The Inevitable Boston Marathon Telethon: your predictions
With your host Denis Leary!
Matt and Ben on tape.
And Ted Danson and Rhea Perlman, asking viewers to text the word CHEERS in order to make a $10 donation to the American Red Cross.
Donnie Wahlberg and Conan O'Brien duet on "You'll Never Walk Alone" while Steven Van Zant plays mournful guitar accompaniment.
We'll perform an extra-saccharine version of "More than a Feeling", of course.
Mark Wahlberg in a thong singing "Good Vibrations".
The Boston Pops Orchestra will do a special concert.
Tom Brady of course
Everlast will roll up in his limo to sing about the plight of the working class. House of Pain will share their pain.
Marky Mark will announce his intention to run for mayor of Boston.
Ben Affleck will clench his jaw and direct the celebrity concert from the sidelines, like Quincy in the We Are The World video.
Secretly, on their jets out of Boston (because who would ACTUALLY live there?) nobody will give a dime or a fuck, because all it is is a PR bump.
All my fat friends will spend all day live tweeting about it from their couches and change their facebook photos to the Red Sox logo.
Steven Tyler will sing the second worst version of "Wish You Were Here", after Fred Durst's version from the 9/11 thing.
Ben Cohen with pledge against bullying in sports, and hopefully give a few blowjobs.
Ahh..thanks for the cynicism DL. I can always count on you! It's such a nice counter balance to all Facebook friends subtly making it all about them and their feelings.
Cyndi Lauper* singing "True Colors" with the Boston Gay Men's Choir, while the camera pans over marathon runners in wheelchairs, waving American flags.
[italic]* I know Cyndi's not from Boston. But do you think she'd pass up this opportunity?[/italic]
Elizabeth Hasselbeck will go rogue and urge the US to nuke Pyongyang.
Everyone's heart is CRYING on facebook. Amazing with all of the unspeakable horror that happens every day, all over the world. So disingenuous.
Tom Cruise there to promote Obl... speak on the phone to those wishing to donate.
Justin Bieber making a severed limb an honorary belieber!
Jay Leno will be the host, people. In fact, you need to watch him tonight.
He's the biggest Boston patriot in the nation.
Dane Cook will do a special "comedic tribute" to Boston featuring a sentimental look at ho's he's fucked and bro's he's "dude-d"
Don't forget about me. I am already picking out my celtics jersey.
A live link to Rihanna singing the national anthem at the Red Sox game, hopefully with a black eye and two broken front teef.
Dave Loggins' "Please Come to Boston in the springtime" will play while a slideshow passes of people around the nation creating pyramids of baked beans cans with little plastic American flags sticking out from them to express grief and solidarity with Boston.
Gillette will sponsor a new Marathon Memorial razor that gives an electric shock to your face so that your beard will stand up micro seconds before the hairs are cut down like innocent bystanders on Boylston Street.
Kanye will claim that Mayor Menino hates black people.
"Hi. I'm Bahstan Rahb. On Suhvivah, we play the game in tribes. Today, we are all ONE tribe..."
Perfect R24 lol
I will show up just to confuse you even more and make you assume that I am actually from Boston
Speaking of Facebook.... here's something I don't get.
A friend posted something about the bombs going off at the marathon. She got 5 'likes'
What the fuck is there to like about a bombing!
Facebook is such a dysfunctional shithole. It's so juvenile. It just shows how disassociated people are from life, especially when they're "liking" disasters to show their unconvincing support of emotion. Support emotion!
Chris Evans will auction off his chest hair to help the families!
I won't be there. I have my own problems miss
Special appearance by Great White and their pyrotechnics crew.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg will sing "The Greatest Love of All" while a montage of the Red Sox plays in the background.
ghosts of Walter Brennan, Bette Davis, Agnes Moorehead, and Ruth Gordon will read from Longfellow, Dickinson, Hawthorne, and Thoreaux.
[Aside]A Facebook Like doesn't mean "liking", sometimes it's an acknowledgement or sympathy. That said, I wish there was a dislike button for everyone who keeps posting about their personal memories of Boston. Who gives a fuck?
Now back to our regularly schedule cynicism.
They'll drag out those kids from the school shooting to do background vocals while Katy Perry sings "Firework."
Thousands of running shoes each with a little candle.
If only it was on a plane and in first class then I woulda gone BAM and knocked that pipe inta tha haaaaaabor.
Dionne Warwick asking for donations for her Boston Victims with AIDS charity.
R17, Jay is on vacation tonight. Otherwise you are spot-on.
And the Cyndi Lauper post is hysterical.
I know I'm going Hell but I laughed out loud at r21's post.
Madonna singing "Causing A Commotion"
You guys are such amazingly clever assholes. I hope that when I die you can come eulogize me ! I really think the Ted Danson Reha Perlman idea is pretty good.
An appearance by Oscar Pistorius.
Minnie Driver, remember me?!!! I used to date Matt Damon.
Thank you for the introduction, R37.
Please join me at this terrible hour of grief and woe by sending me a hefty donation in cash to:
Boston Race-Amputation AIDS Victims and Dead Babies of Terrorism Foundation of Light in Christ, LLC
c/o Miss Dionne Warwick
141 San Jose Fevela
20070-013 Rio de Janeiro-RJ Brasil
Senhora Lupella Tatu-Gordura, Chairwoman and Diva Maid
Miss Cindi Dallas Houston, Treasurer and Budding Chanteuse
The need is immediate and the cause is very, very close to my heart, so give till it hurts. Otherwise fuck you.
Hey gays, any room for me on that stage? I can be quite presidential as I showed on my last venture.
I seriously don't see the jokes in this tragic event at all.
It's not the event itself, R45, it's the carpetbagging phonies who co-opt the crime for political agendas, publicity, self-important crusading, etc. It's shameless. And shameful
60's band The Standells will perform their hit "Love That Dirty Water" after the mayor symbolically dumps 20 Lbs of red dye into the River Charles.
TMZ has the tweets of "celebrities" like Kelly Osborne and Kim Kardashian, who feel the necessity to tell the world how they feel about every fart that happens while they are getting their make up applied. Oh and thanks Eva Langoria for filling us in on the event of the day- like no one watches the news on TV. They are phony, sad assholes. It would be more appropriate to just shut your holes.
R45 needs to go drag her slug ass elsewhere. Any cunt who has to announce her cluelessness with ungrammatical huff here is both misplaced and begging for a salt shaker.
Shepard Smith usually does breaking news pretty well, car chases anyway. But today, when he reported that some of the serious injuries were decapitations I did laugh out loud, despite the sadness and what not.
It is offical!
Dionne Warwick makes any tragedy funny.
What did Anderson say??
LOL! Thanks Op.
r51, I was wondering when someone would mention that song
R50-51 are missing
Bieber will perform and at the end, he'll tearfully proclaim that he hopes the victims were beliebers.
Abbie Hoffman will rise from the dead and begin crooning Love That Dirty Water in his thick Massachusetts accent.