People have always regretted having children, once they got old enough to be disappointing. But now, in the era of the helicopter parent, everyone's afraid to say so, even to themselves.
What's remarkable about this article is not her feelings, but her willingness to go public.
My mother has always said, "I should just have raised poodles."
She was kidding, right?
Yes, everyone just hates having children. They hate being straight too. Being straight REALLY sucks!
Is a thread topic for introspective fraus?
I'm actually interested. It seems forbidden
She seems to be a closeted lesbian. Would this be a factor?
This woman shared something that many parents feel. However, since her comments may hurt her children, she should have kept her mouth shut. The MS/Karma factor is interesting, though.
I might have admired her honesty if she said she didn't want children before she had them but why make her kids feel like shit now? I'd tell my mother to fuck off if she told me that now.
[quote] But now, in the era of the helicopter parent, everyone's afraid to say so, even to themselves.
Gee, I wonder why? Could it be because they don't want to HURT THEIR CHILDREN? Btw although most parents wouldn't argue that raising children can sometimes be a nightmare, but they still have NO regrets about it. I'm sorry so many of you with damaged parental relationships don't get this point, but it's true.
r5 seems to be onto something....
I don't think so r9 all the lesbians I know are eager o have kids.
People ask me if I have or want children and I always mention I have four hungry cats haha. The looks I get. Why? They need groomed and fed and cuddled just like other mammals. Hell no I don't want any brats sucking the life out of me the rest of my life.
These are people who thought a kid would improve their relationship. Or be like a sitcom kid, leaving their room only to say something cute. Or that it was like a softly lit diaper commercial. Kids are selfish little assholes who don't know how to act. It's hard, hard work and to do it right requires patience and wisdom and putting your ego and most of your own needs last. How the fuck this doesn't occur to people BEFORE they have the kid, I'll never know. I agonized about having kids b/c I knew how terrible it could be. There are some shitty moments but I could never imagine regretting having him.
Exactly what I think!
More than anything, she sounds like a really scared person who just went along with everything, instead of taking the responsibility to stake out her own way in life.
Who said it'd be easy?
[quote]Kids are selfish little assholes who don't know how to act.
Speak for yourself, hon.
[quote]Kids are selfish little assholes
They're supposed to be.
That said, I don't know why anyone would want to bring a child into the world anymore.
I think she sounded and looked like a lesbian, too. I wonder if what she really regrets is not having fully lived before dedicating her life to raising kids. It's weird how she had to mention the sex life. In the pic, she looks totally butch.
That said, a lot of women regret it. They just don't say it. I can't tell you the number of moms that say, "Don't have them" to me if I mention I have thought about it.
R17, I've always wondered if the new-ish infant who played Taffy Davenport had any kind of trauma from that birth scene.
If that bitch's kids are "parasites" it's because SHE raised them that way. She probably doesn't deserve kids.
Creating a human being is a very complex job and a huge responsibility. How people like her forget that they were once kids themselves and how they felt, is beyond me. People like her like the myth of kids, the cutesy baby image they have in their minds but they forget that these kids are actually people.
Oh, and there are HORDES of shitty, awful parents too, as many here know.
My mother feels that way & it doesn't bother me one bit. Most days I wish I was never born....so I kind of wish she had just aborted me.
My mother felt that way too. And she never let any of us forget how we ruined her life.
That is fucked up. Is she mentally ill? I'm very sorry.
Hold the phone here --
There is nothing written that all women have to be mothers and some women who have become mothers are not honor bound to love the condition in which they find themselves.
There is nothing "wrong" with these women as some have said on this thread.
And, I would imagine there are a goodly number of men who regret ever siring children.
Though in some cultures and communities to be sure, the men have very little to do with the actual raising and paying for their children.
And whatever one's individual thoughts are about deciding to have children or not, you should not fall victim to the mental trap that all cultures, peoples, ethnicities, generations, etc. think the same as you do.
My mom never wanted to have children either but she is still the best mom ever. Even though I knew having us kids was a great burden for her, we knew she loved us just the same. All my life she has worked multiple jobs just to keep us fed, clothed and housed.
Now that we're older, we're all independent and she has 5 little grandkids who she just adores.
Sometimes parents are entitled to just vent and that's exactly what the writer is doing. Does it make her a bad mom? No. Not in my opinion. If she takes great care of her kids, that's all that really matters.
[quote]And whatever one's individual thoughts are about deciding to have children or not, you should not fall victim to the mental trap that all cultures, peoples, ethnicities, generations, etc. think the same as you do.
This is a website (as are most pop culture-based ones) where participants are pretty much incapable of comprehending the terms of which you speak. Or some just don't want to.
Some will regret it, some will never regret it. Although I find her honestly awesome, I do feel for the kid who will read this one day.
I think more women should be upfront as this one because it reminds people that having children does not guarantee happiness and your life is not your own anymore when you have kids.
She's a lesbian attacking innocent beings for her choices. Look at the pix! It's a hellish article.
I already was under the impression that it's pretty common for parents to regret having kids. It's one of the reasons I don't want any. I already have enough in my life that I regret; I don't need to add anything else to the list.
What in the world would give you that impression r31?
The women I know (and this is anecdotal) who had high professional goals for themselves regret having kids. Having it all is a myth.
Of course she is r23. She is a dyke.
What in the hell did this frumpy dyke think she was missing out on?
For most people, having a child is the greatest accomplishment they'll ever have.
Breeding is best for the average person who is not gifted intellectually, spiritually, or physically. It is the best thing a mediocre person can ever do.
This bitch's problem is that she's dillusional and thinks she could have really done something with her life.
This fucking bitch is as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside.
what a fucking bitch she is
R33 the flip side of that is also true; devoting oneself solely to a career and giving up the chance to have kids. "Having it all" is indeed pure bs.
My mother never wanted me but she still loved me. I'm wise enough to understand the common sense of not wanting a pregnancy, when you can't afford another child.
Parenthood is damn hard but no one wants to admit it.
Many men aren't smart enough or devoted enough to care about the children they bring into the world.
Think of all the men who had children with their slaves, they really didn't have it in them, to even care about their own children.
The media portrays parenthood as the ultimate egoic accessory, when in reality, the opposite is true: a real parent has to give up their life in service of another.
Every fucking parent I know seems to go on and on about how horrible their children are...I used to really want to be a dad, but as time goes on, I just don't think I'm enough of a masochist.
[quote]Hell no I don't want any brats sucking the life out of me the rest of my life.
I, I didn't know you came here...
Are you nuts, r39?!
Breeding with one's legal property until 1863 was MONEY IN THE BANK!
Typical woman. She probably got pregnant to hold to manipulate a man. They live and breath for men.
r37, it's interesting that (again, anecdotally) the high-powered women I know who didn't have kids don't regret that choice -- in part because they see our mutual mom/executive friends really struggle...and fail at both 'jobs.'
Exactly. You usually feel like your child should come first and if you vary that in any way...that kid will NEVER let you forget it.
Anyway, just think of it this way, you've been working hard and haven't slept much and just when you settle down for your much needed rest, your little dear wakes up with a stomach ache and pukes all over her bed. Forget sleep, all of a sudden all you can think about is your kids temperature and how to fit that soiled quilt into the washing machine.
The part about these "loving mothers" who have kids and then throw them over to be raised by daycare workers was so true!!!!
There was a study done on parenthood and the conclusion that having children does not add any happiness to your life.
I guess you have the capacity to be happy or you don't and having kids is not going to change that.
My emotionally abusive brother and his alcoholic closet-lesbian wife are good examples of that. Three kids later he is still an emotionally abusive prick and she is still an alcoholic/closet-lesbian. (I don't have a problem with the lesbian part, just the closet part.)
And I guess my patholigically jealous, enabling, malicious sister who, three kids later, is still a pathologically jealous, enabling, malicious little twat is another good example.
The woman in the article loves her kids as much as she can, they grew up fine, they can take care of themselves. She's just being honest and speaking for the other mothers out there who feel the same way but don't have the guts to admit it.
Her daughter can't take care of herself. That's the most poignant part of the article.
I don't follow anything about the Jersey Shore people but just this week Snooki said being pregnant was disgusting. She said she loved her son and was glad she had him and will have more children (later), but pregnancy was just disgusting and she was sick of people saying how great it was.
The real truth hurts. It isn't pretty
[quote]This bitch's problem is that she's dillusional and thinks she could have really done something with her life.
Something practical, like learning how to spell.
I find it interesting that the entire article is one justification after another for every single life choice she ever made regarding those kids.
Never did she say that she was the short-sighted one. She says she'll cut off her arm for her kids - but won't stop herself from advertising in the biggest tabloid on Earth that she never wanted them. Never did she muse that perhaps having a loving mother 1/2 the time might have been better than a resentful parent 100% of the time.
This woman is sick in the head.
She's an extreme introvert whose internal batteries are recharged when she is alone.
When you have kids, you are never alone. Ever.
I feel like her essay was written with very little self-awareness or compassion for the kids.
R21 & R22 - I feel your pain.
My father made it plain the he regretted the "miracle" of me coming into the world many, many times. And believe me, I wish I had never come into the world.
I truly wish people would not give into the pressure to have kids they don't really want. The kids are either conciously or unconciously aware that they are not wanted and it can really screw them up.
I certainly don't begrudge this woman for wishing that she had never had kids. That's certainly a valid feeling, and I have friends who feel that way. (They usually felt societal/familial pressure to get married and have children).
I am rather freaked out that she is so adamant that her children gave her NOTHING during their entire lifetimes. Even if her children were selfish little bastards (and it does not sound like that was the case), you would think that somewhere along the 30+ years that they were alive she got SOMETHING out of being their parent. More than anything, I'm weirded out that she can't acknowledge ANYTHING good came out of being their parent.
I feel very sad for her (grown) kids. I know what it's like to have a mother who didn't really want to parent. I am somewhat consoled to sense from this thread that I am not alone.
My Mom told me the same thing at 16. My dad told me at 30 but I don't care anymore, Ive been with the same great guy for 28 years. Thank you D :)
op=childless, and jealous
It's not for everyone and it's best that you know yourself well enough so you won't make a mistake or feel pressured to have kids because it's what "normal" people are supposed to want. I knew when I was a teen that I never wanted to be a parent. Too much responsibility, stress and worry and little time for yourself.
[quote]Sometimes parents are entitled to just vent and that's exactly what the writer is doing. Does it make her a bad mom? No. Not in my opinion. If she takes great care of her kids, that's all that really matters.
So wrong. Kids in orphanages have 'custodial' caretakers. Many (most?) are irretrievably damaged by a lack of attachment, love and true caring. Children, even well into adulthood, seek the approval and love of their parents. When they are rejected it's crushing. Parental love and attachment is essential to healthy mental and emotional development. Having someone faithfully change your nappies?---not so much. A paid Nanny can do that.
If this woman's adult kids are well adjusted now, it's not because they had a zombie mother going though the motions of making them breakfast and taking them to soccer practice. It's because, thank God, they had a loving dad who truly cared about them and let them know it. Without him they would be fucked up for sure.
She pats herself on the back because she did her mothering chores well and faithfully. It's true, she didn't neglect her kids "physical" needs. But she did something much worse. She caused them irreparable harm by stating publicly, "I never loved you."
This is why Aspies should not have children--they cannot love them. They really make for terrible parents. I can't believe that some poor sap actually fucked this woman, and on numerous occasions (what's wrong with him?).
How anyone can not appreciate the sweetness of any child, let alone your own, is beyond me.
This bitch is a hard core Aspie who only loves herself and her solitude. The real mystery is how someone could fuck her.
"He certainly did more for us than our children ever did".
R21, 22, 54-- Add me to the list of rejected children. It sounds melodramatic, but it's true. I'm glad there are others. My mom wanted kids for the novelty and delusion. My father didn't want any, and I feel he's equally responsible for giving in. WTF??? Once my mom finally agreed to marry him, he didn't even like her anymore. And he could have found another woman who matched his lifestyle preferences very, very easily (and vice-versa).
A lot of the responses in this thread explain why so many Dl posters are so hostile to mothers and children- and seem so troubled in general. Very sad.
Oh, R3's post was the best in this thread. Many Dlers need to believe that straight people- or gay people in the closet- all lead unhappy lives and that being a parent is a horrible fate.
My mother was very sorry she got pregnant with me in the back seat of my father's Buick, and she's been reminding and taking it out on me ever since.
She was young when she started having kids and probably regrets not having lived a little before settling into parenthood and its attendant responsibilities. Also, she's probably a lesbian. Maybe if she had met a woman she truly loved and created a family with her, she would feel differently about the whole thing.
Children born to mothers who didn't want to get pregnant are literally born with a sense that they are not wanted. Those feeling are very difficult to overcome.
Kids can be great but they can also break your heart. They have the power to make you miserable.
The author's sentiment is common; although not commonly expressed by mothers.
I wish R12 was my parent.
She sure does pat herself on the back a lot, explaining to us how she was such a good mother; a mother who cared more about a loaf of bread and slice of cake than her newborn baby, but a good mother nonetheless. She doesn't seem to realize that it's not for her to say whether or not she was a good mother.
There are some things that should be kept to yourself. You don't have to share every thought you have with the world. She looks so smug in those pictures, like she's so proud of herself. It's as if she expects to be celebrated for her bravery. It isn't brave to tell world that you wish your kids were never born, it's disturbing, twisted, and sick. Mental illness shouldn't be celebrated it should be treated.
I regret Mamie. I should have concentrated more on 4 Oscars and less on 4 children.
Is this the way a sociopath/psychopath would feel about their children? They only take care of them (if they do) because they are supposed to and to keep up appearances, right? Except I think they could never grow to love them but could learn to tolerate them if they're getting something back from the children.
My mother always expressed regret that she had given up her dogs to have children. I am one of four brothers.
She also boasted to us that she had had a combined total of nine miscarriages and abortions, and wished that she had had four more.
After our father died, of cancer, our mother sought out a replacement husband on various trips to the Caribbean. She was quite vocal about how difficult it would be for her to find anyone who would put up with her, "saddled" as she was with four children.
Caribbean resorts are popular with honeymooning couples. Our mother never missed a chance to tell them, "Don't ever have children - they'll ruin your life!"