Anyone know any good Jesus jokes? I like to tell them at Easter
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws 3 spikes down on the front desk and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus is walking down the street when he comes upon an angry mob.
They have surrounded a prostitute, whom they intend to stone to death.
Jesus rushes to the woman's defense, brilliantly defending her and convincing the mob to spare her life.
He winds up the spiel by dramatically declaring, "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone!"
As soon as he says this, an old woman steps forward and nails the prostitute right between the eyes with a big stone.
Jesus turns to the old woman and says, "Mom, do you always have to do that?!"
Not quite a Jesus joke:
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Two bees are flying around Bethelem and one complains about not finding any flowers. The other bee says not to worry, that across town there's a big celebration going on with lots of people, holy men, kings of orient, frankincense a baby who's screaming like someone cut off the end of his putz and spread from the best deli in town. "Fresh fruit to die for." The first bee thanks the second bee and askes about the odd little cap he's wearing. "Oh this? I didn't want people to think I was a wasp."
God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested
Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got
sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied.
"I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor
suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was
there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up
some Jewish bitch!"
Why did the whore go to church?
She heard Jesus was hung like this. (Hold hands out in a Christ like pose)
What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?
"This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."
Q: What do the Easter bunny and eggs have to do with the Resurrection of Jesus?
A: We'll start with a discussion of middle eastern fertility cults circa 4000 BCE...
Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?
every time you see a rainbow, jesus is having gay sex.
Of course Jesus was Jewish.
He didn't leave home until he was 33, he went into his father's business, and his mother thought he was God.
Not Jesus or Easter......Nuns entering heaven.
Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy
water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
Q: What's the difference between jesus and a vagina?
A: A vagina is still good after a couple of nails..
How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they wait for it to evolve into a new one.
Why didn't the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a sidewalk on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
A little boy called charlie was at sunday school and he sat next to this girl he liked.
It was teaching time so everyone was listening except for the girl sitting next to him who was falling asleep.
The teacher asked 'Who is God's son'
and Charlie stuck a needle into the side of the girls stomach and she screemed 'Jesus Christ'
the teacher said well done and spoke about Jesus, the girl drifted back to sleep.
then the teacher asked 'Who was the mother of Jesus'
and charlie stuck the needle into her side again, she screemed 'Mary Mother Of Jesus'
and the teacher congratulated her once again
she fell back asleep.
lastly, the teacher said 'What did Eve say to adam after they had their final child'
Charlie stuck the needle once again and she yelled 'If you stick that thing in me one more time all hell will come down'
Why did jesus die for our sins?
He didnt. He doesn't exist
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who suffers for insomnia?
He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
Yeah, but did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Accidentally sold his soul to Santa!
Two nuns go riding bicycles around the Vatican.
One nun says to the other, "Funny, I've never come this way before."
The second nun goes, "Yeah, I know... it's the cobblestones."
Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
God rather than Jesus:
A man was standing on the porch when a dam broke upstream. A jeep drove by and the driver said, "The water is rising, hop in and I'll save you." The man answered, "I'm staying here. My god will protect me."
The water continued to rise so the man went to the second floor of the house. Just then, a boat floated by and the skipper said "The water is rising. Get in and I'll save you." The man answered, "I'm staying here. My god will protect me."
Soon, the water got so high that the man was forced to retreat to the roof. As he clung to the chimney, a helicopter flew overhead. "Grab the ladder and I'll save you," said the pilot. The man answered, "I'm staying here. My god will protect me."
There was a large whoosh and he was washed off the roof and died. When he got to heaven he demanded to speak with god. Upon seeing god he said, "I put my faith in you. Why did you let me die?" And, god answered, "I sent you a jeep, a boat, and a helicopter - what more did you expect?"
(By clipping coupons and shopping wisely)
I don't care who your old man is, get that cross out of my backyard.
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
How does Jesus masturbate?
Like this...(place your hand flat on your groin, palm side down and mimic jerking off using the hole in your hand)
What did Jesus say on the cross?
"Someone get me a pair of flats, these spikes are killing me!"
Jesus was suffering nailed to the cross. He was sick of this savior shit. He called to a boy who was looking on.
"Hey kid, come over here. If you pulls these nails out of me so I can get down, I'll make you a king."
The kid looks at him and says sure.
And Jesus screams, "NOOO!!! Start with the feeeeeeeeeeet!!!"
to be read, not spoken:
and Esposito SCORES ON THE REBOUND!
Is there something missing from r29's joke?
Seriously, bitches, these are like the oldest Jesus jokes in the book. I've heard them since, like, 2nd Grade. And I am a WAYelderG4Y.
What do you expect? New jokes after two thousand years?
80's cult joke
Wow. Almost this entire thread is the same person. With really tired material.
I even bought the bumper sticker!
I only knew one of these jokes already. But I only chuckled at the Heblew.
I guess people just don't make Jesus jokes in my circles. People don't make jokes, period. Hmm...
There are some funny ones here. Thanks, OP.
R33, you left out "The Mongol hoards."
My only contribution to this list is "Hey! Barabbas! I can see your house from here!"
Long way to go for nothing, R24.
Jesus and Moses are golfing.
Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’ll be just like Arnold Palmer.” He hits the ball and it lands in the lake.
Moses says, “I’ll get it.” He goes down to the lake, parts the water and retrieves the ball.
“Okay,” Jesus says, “This time, it WILL be just like Arnold Palmer.” He hits the ball and again, it lands in the lake. Moses goes down, parts the lake and retrieves the ball.
“Third time is a charm,” Jesus says. “Watch, just like Arnold Palmer.” And for the third time he hits the ball into the lake.
Moses says, “This time, you can get it yourself!”
As Jesus is down walking on the lake looking for the ball, a crowd has formed. One guy says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” Moses says. “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
You can substitue Tiger Woods to make it less dated!
[quote]Long way to go for nothing, [R24].
I know! And the joke completely drops Hitler at the last stop before finally getting home.
Somebody write a better ending to the Hitler in Heaven joke!
The Pope calls an emergency meeting of the College of Cardinals. When they're all gathered, he stands before them and announces that "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I just received a telephone call from God himself."
"The bad news is that it was collect from Salt Lake City . . ."
I dont get it r43 ;/
He's a Mormon r44. The collect thing? Jail?
R31, if you pull the nails out of the hands first it hurts like hell when you fall forward with you feet still nailed in.
Honestly, have you no capacity for crucifixion humor or the simple mechanics involved?
[quote]Honestly, have you no capacity for crucifixion humor or the simple mechanics involved?
I don't. I figured it must have something to do with pulling out his toenails vs. fingernails. Thought JC was held on there with spikes. Saw a movie where the Japs were said to be pulling out the nails of POWs.
Keep em coming kids. My Jesusy brother is here for Easter and it's been heavenly torturing him with some of these.
Dear, dear, R47. Does your Asbergers get in the way?
Your mother wishes she'd had you aborted, r48.
Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-
a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
b) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.
d) Beer has never caused a major war.
e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.
g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.
h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.
I) You can prove you have a beer.
j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.
I told R11's joke at Easter and got a big laugh. My fundie brother-in-law wanted to laugh, you could tell.
Does anybody remember a joke about a priest who comes across a boy crying beside a cliff and the boy talks about how the family went over the cliff in the car and now he's all alone and the priest hikes up his robe and begins to unzip his pants and says something like "Well, Timmy, today is not your day."?
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"