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Does your physique influence the way you see yourself in terms of gender?

Weird issue, maybe, but this has always been an issue for me that I could never quite resolve. I'm a grown man in my late 30s with the body template I believe that more resembles a woman than a man: smallish, oval face, small, soft facial features, soft whiskers, narrow shoulders, wide hips, short torso/long legs, some gyno, and a fat ass. I am on the tall side, though, at 6 feet. I know that my more feminine build has influenced how I see myself in terms of gender. Part of me feels like a man, the other part like a woman. I was a very late bloomer. I didn't begin shaving what wispy facial hair I had until I was a sophomore in college. I always felt intimidated by the other guys in high school and then even in college, because they looked like men. I still feel that way..so physically different...and am very awkward socially, especially around men, straight and gay. They just look so much more developed than me in every possible way. I have absolutely no self-esteem. Having to look at myself in the mirror or have a photo taken terrifies me to no end. In my mind, I never really completed puberty or had a puberty that went totally wrong. My brother and father both look like men physically, so I don't think it's a genetic thing. I've always been afraid to bring this up with my doctor, because it's embarrassing and a part of me doesn't want this all confirmed for me, if that makes sense. I like guys. I've been attracted to guys for as far back as I remember, even before all of this started, so that's not an issue. I feel like I'm the only person who's gone through this. I can't even find anything online about it, except stuff on body dysmorphia and gender identity disorder, which are not the issues. Those are psychogical issues. I know what I look like...it's not a misperception. I just want to cry when I think about this. I definitely feel more like a man than a woman, and have fought this my entire adult life, lifting weights etc to get my bod to look more like a man's, but with little result. Does anyone else feel like this. btw, I'm not an EST. This is actually something very painful to even deal with.


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