Do you have any desire to get married?

This thread assumes that you are a gay or bi person who has same-sex relationships. Please don't answer if you're straight. Let's also assume that Gay Marriage will be completely legal in all 50 states in the next 5-10 years, and with all the legal options that straights now enjoy. Got that? Gay marriage, 100% leagal, 100% equal in the U.S. or England or wherever you're from. So...

• No. My partner and I have been together for 35 years and have wills and some other legal stuff in place. 15 years ago, we had a party and invited all our friends. Between ourselves, we called it our wedding celebration, surrounded by friends and laughs and love. At one stage, we caught each others eye across a crowded room. We shared a wink and smile and at that second I considered us "married".

• I think that the next generation of people will have a lot of gay marriages. Many will have a childhood free of ridicule and/or the assumption that they are straight. This will enable early and healthy dating lives and eventually marriage stats on par with the rest of the idiots out there. For us, in the inbetween time, maybe we will, maybe we won't.

• I would feel odd at a ceremony. I don't really like to be the center of attention...I hate birthday parties for me and such. I guess if there were good legal reasons to do it but even then I'd just want to have some sort of online minister come over and the ceremony be just the three of us.

• My partner and I have been married for seven years. We were married at city hall with four family members and two friends in attendance. We did wear fine ass Italian suits, took some great photos, had a long drunken dinner with our group and some additional friends, and then went to Paris and Rome for three weeks. It has worked out not badly, but no kids, not ever. We know our limits. I own that boy's ass now and I kind of like it.

  Montreal

• mope, never understood what all the fuss was about. I still don't

• Yes, celebrated our 20th anniversary by getting married in Central Park last year. We had a Rabbi officiate and just our son and daughter as ring bearer and flower girl. No big ceremony but it was hugely emotionally for us in a way neither of us expected. Once DOMA is struck down, we will have ALL the rights and privileges as spouses and protections for our kids. I respect those that do not choose to get married but for us it was the rit decision.

  RONTEX

• Honestly, I know few gay men in my circle who wish to be married. Sure, they want to find "true love" and the perfect guy, but the boredom of the institution of marriage and living a life similar to boring straight people? I don't know any young guys in L.A. who actively pursue lifestyle. Marriage is more of a woman's thing.

• R6, let me guess: You're a lesbian. They really should just call it lesbian marriage for as much as most gay men care about "marriage"...

• I live in Canada where same sex marriage is completely legal. I am bisexual but in no rush to get married. I would get married to a woman, though. I don't feel like I would need a marriage to keep me in love with someone or to keep me committed to them, but I would get married (eventually). It's nice knowing that the option is there. But whether or not I got married I'm committed to relationships in the long-term sense. Instead of just going around saying "my wife" this, and my wife that, how about we show the world that we are together, and will be forever. (tbqh I don't think I want to get married to a man, old men are so gross, later in life I'd be regretting it, tbh)

• [r8], let me guess: You're a self-loathing sad little fuck. I'm sorry you don't believe Gay men coud want marriage or kids. You're a sorry small-minded person.

• WTF? I never said gay men *couldn't want marriage/kids, but I strongly believe that few do, especially young gay men (and really young men in general). You sound like a bitter, breeder-emulating wannabe old fuck. If anybody is self-loathing, it is you!

  R8

• No, I'm too much of a Socialist and free love advocate; abolition of marriage and family as bourgeois, exploitative tools should be the goal. Whenever some smart ass tells me that, as a man I can now marry another man I lay the Socialist line on them--it confuses the fuck out of them and then I laugh and laugh and laugh.

  Anonymous

• R9 Your statement is exactly why so many people don't trust bisexuals - you said you would marry a woman, but probably not a man. This is exactly why so many people don't like bisexuals - because they almost always take the straight path when they settle down because it's an easier life.

• R13 I'm a woman So when I said I would most likely see myself marrying a woman, I mean a same sex marraige. I guess I've seen enough failed marraiges and creepy old dudes for a lifetime

• No.Just no. I'm just not a fan of weddings.Or marriage. Or monogamy.I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

  lesbian

• Hey R8, R6 here and no, I'm not a lesbian. I'm a gay man who has wanted a family since I was a kid and fell in love with another gay man who wanted the same. Now that marriage is possible we chose that. What is so difficult to understand about that? If you don't want to get married or have kids THEN DON'T! You are the one that sounds bitter and jaded.

  RONTEX

• [quote]No.Just no. I'm just not a fan of weddings.Or marriage. Or monogamy.I don't understand what all the fuss is about. Of course straight married people have the option of having a wedding... or not. They have the option of monogamy... or not. Not sure where people got the idea that all marriages HAVE to involve a wedding or have to involve monogamy or have to involve children. Certainly not all straight people's marriages do. These are things that modern married people can choose for themselves. At least those who have been granted freedom and equality by their governments. A marriage provides a couple with a way for their relationship to be legally protected. And r1, legal arrangements like wills etc do not protect you in the same way. You or your partner will be taxed out the ass when those wills go into effect: straight married people won't pay a dime. This is unequal. And it wouldn't matter if only one gay couple in the world wanted to marry. Legal discrimination must STILL come to an end.

• Oh, and a word of warning. It's possible that OP and others on this thread are gay people just shooting the shit and sharing their thoughts, but any such discussions and responses should be taken with a grain of salt. The right-wing's latest strategy is "gays against gay marriage." And the right is known to pay trolls to post on discussion boards. Take part in discussions and say what you think, but there's no reason to ever accept that anyone online is who they say they are. Take it with a grain of salt.

  http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/2013/01/nom-clearly-moving-forward-with-nas

• Yes. Before we had a child it was more like maybe. But now that we are parents, yes.

• No. Not interested in hetero-normative constructs. I agree with R17 that legal discrimination should end.

• The kind of people who use the phrase "hetero-normative constructs" are the same kind of people who claim to not own a television set. Obnoxious in either case.

• I do not own a tv, nor have I ever used that phrase. Anything I want to watch is available on the internet.

• Do you also whine about not finishing your dissertation?

• We have been together for 16 years. We met in our early 20s. If it ain't broke don't fix it

• This question, like the parental love thread, sure does bring out the bitter non-tv watchers. Whether or not YOU have the desire to get married, I would hope you would support the fight for marriage rights. It's not always about you, personally and your rejection of 'hetero-normative constructs'.

• We got married because there's no way that writing up legal protections separately would equal the 1,700 benefits, rights and privileges we automatically get for saying "I do." All those who say they'd never get married, wait until DOMA falls and we can get our spouse's social security. Watch how many of them change their tune as they age. There's no legal document outside of marriage that would do that. Same with spousal Medicaid/Medicare coverage, etc. We were together for about 16 years before we got to walk down the aisle and get legally wed. In terms of the emotional connection or bond we feel, I agree with others, marriage isn't necessary for that. It's really about protecting the life you built together. Nothing short of marriage will protect it 100%.

• I have no interest in marriage. Copying Heterosexuals with their gold rings and marriage vows is a bore to me. I have no need for that. I'd rather live together in sin.

• Hooray for sin!!!

• I think a lot of heterosexuals live in sin, so I'm not sure you're all that unique and anti-hetero R27.

• What happens if one of your gets sick, and the family gets a court order preventing you from visiting your sick partner? What about next of kin issues if your partner dies or is in a coma?

• I'm guessing those who don't want to be married don't ever expect to develop such a connection with a partner, R30. Because there's no way you can develop a deep, intimate relationship with someone and not want to protect it. They must choose the single life, I suppose. (Which is a perfectly fine choice).

• Sounds like a drag to me

• R31 "Because there's no way you can develop a deep, intimate relationship with someone and not want to protect it." Wha?

• My husband and I are already married, although not legally. If (when) we can get legally married, we probably will. We have all the legal documnets in place, but as R26 points out, there's SS. He made a lot less than I make, and he's retired. He has health issues that keep us from marriage/domestic partnership. He'd lose his ADAP coverage, and I can't afford it unless I can get the tax return a joint filing would give us. So, yes.

• Definitely open to marriage in the future. Right now I can't even find a decent date. I actually want the big celebration on the farm with lots of food, booze, music. So maybe it will happen.

• R33, it's simple. Use R34 as an example. He wants to protect his partner (by providing insurance coverage). So if you were in a relationship with someone and they couldn't get medical treatment, you'd just tell them to suck it up bitch? Nice. Marriage is about protecting each other and the life you've built together. It's not about imitating heteros.

• right, and it's not about having a big wedding or all the other typicaL wedding industry trappings. For me, it's about legal and financial protection for my family.

• R26, when DOMA is gone it's not going to change anything for me. I have no desire to get married now, not do I expect that is going to change. Getting married to get somebody's social security is not a reason to get married.

• R38, I was thinking of it more along the lines of being able to leave my social security to someone I cared about. Perhaps marriage isn't for you, since thinking about the welfare of others isn't natural for you.

• R30. Lived through that. My family can't set foot in a hospital room or have any say in treatment unless he allows it. They also can't get one thin dime unless he gives it to them. Lawyers can be wonderful things.

• While I am thrilled to see the expansion of legal recognition of same gender couples, to be honest, I really want to see religious bodies bless and celebrate the relationship of same sex couples. I am a Catholic and I believe that marriage is a sacrament. I want my priest friend to be the officiant at my marriage, when that time comes. I want a papal blessing for me and a partner. I want the special grace that I would get when I receive any of the sacraments. I want all the bells and whistles that comes with a Catholic wedding ceremony. Alas and alack, I doubt I will live to see this. However, in Catholicism, the only forgivable sin is despair, which is defined as the loss of all hope. I refuse to lose hope

• oh jesus christ!

• r38, do you realize how bitter you sound?

• Yes, I do. I want to be married by 35. I turn 30 this year. Marriage is very important to me, as is building a real life with someone and not becoming one of these desperate old Peter Pan gay guys still hitting the clubs in their 40's. It's very unseemly. I'm proud to be a part of the gay generation that finally seems to be taking real steps towards growing the fuck up. That's what marriage is about: adulthood and real love. You can't get there if your entire life and self image revolves around sex.

• I hate confinement. I don't want to be strapped to someone like that. If you're in love and it's good times, yeah. But if it all falls apart all I want to do is get out. And that means I won't get all tangled-up moneywise or property wise; what's mine is mine.

• Fine. But does that mean you don't support gay marriage for others, r45?

• [quote]And that means I won't get all tangled-up moneywise or property wise; what's mine is mine. And when you are old and having trouble taking care of yourself, what's yours is all you will have.

• R30 and R31 some people have good relationship with their family and their partner's family as well. When I die my parents will lose their only child (if I die before them obviously) so in my opinion they have as much right to decide what to do. Besides they all know my wishes. As for medical insurance, I live in a country with universal health care so that's not the issue. We don't have gay marriage yet, but hopefully will one day. For now, straight couples who live together for at least 3 years have the same rights as married couples so if you're not very traditional, the whole wedding and marriage ceremonies stuff is pointless. Most of my coupled straight relatives and friends aren't married and don't care for marriage. Marriage is not for me, but of course I support gay marriage and equal rights for everyone.

• This is a cool thread, I am married to a guy, legally and it seems otherwise. I am 43 and he is 38 and we have been married for 7 years. The hetero-normative stuff gets tiring, but I understand it as a political statement. This stance usually comes from old school settled gay men or cyber aged bitter ones. This opinion seldom comes from genuine hedonists or queer activists. No one should get married too young, so that is not my point. We should have the right to pursue or not pursue marriage of course. Many gay people would be divorced many times if people got married just because they can. This is new after all and we don't have many role models. I would say do it when you think it is right, and you are ready, and if you both want to make a full commitment to someone, which of course means sharing your life financially too - for better or worse. The gay men who are uninterested or outspoken against marriage seem to exemplify those who cannot receive and give love freely and with trust. Intimacy and commitment issues, maybe. This exists in the straight world too, so it is also "hetero-normative", which is a mostly silly phrase. If you don't want it, don't do it to yourself or someone else, but no fancy constructs are required.

  man%20and%20man

• I can't believe I didn't get more props for pegging the non-tv-owner.

• Good God NO! Marriage just fucks up a good relationship eventually. And I'm not so desperate that I have to have someone there with me every fucking night. For the gays who want it though, I applaud and support them. If they can make it work, then good on them.

• Not for me, I am entirely for it, for other people.

• I have consistently less and less desire every time I see this thread.

• Yes, my husband and I got married during the pre-Prop 8 window in California on Labor Day 2008. We have been together since 1998 and were domestic partners since 2005. As R49 said, we welcome the chance for others to have the opportunity (not obligation) to legally marry if they so wish. There is something very gratifying about calling someone 'husband' and knowing it is legally recognized in your state...and hopefully one day to your nation.

• R51 What was the point of saying that you are not so "desperate" to have some one there every night? Seems presumptive and suspicious to me. My partner and I are apart a lot, more than we would like due to careers. People who don't want some one there every fucking night, have that right as there is no easier thing to accomplish. It kind of shocks me that so many gay men think that having a partner in life is primarily about having sexual companionship and a public social companion only when they are in the mood. Sharing life together is sweet and challenging for those who have the desire and feel for it. Don't infer that partnered people are desperate. The actual marriage part is more a necessary right than a human need. We were kind of surprised that we did it....

  lucky%20man

• Bump - I want to see more opinions

• I agree with R3 and R7.

• NO

• Certainly. I'm not an e*dergay, though.

• lucky man gets it.

• No, I have no desire to get married. My first (and only) relationship of 18 years was to a lazy bum, who to this day, is still a lazy bum. Once bitten, twice shy and all that. And good on those who do get married and make it work. I enjoy the peace and serenity of being alone, unlike the turbulent, drama filled years when I was partnered.

• Another no here. I've never been a fan of celebrations, legal commitments, or splitting my money.

• Faskinatin'

• R55 Most married couples spend the vast majority of their nights together. That's just a simple fact. Yes there are those who are apart more for various reasons, work, etc. You seem like the type who attempts to devise your own meanings to what others write so it will fit your agenda. So in that regard, you've failed.

  R51

• From the musical "Greenwillow": "Never Will I marry" (Frank Loesser 1960) Never, never will I marry Never, never will I wed Born to wander solitary Wide my world, narrow my bed Never never never will I marry Born to wander 'til I'm dead No burden to bear No conscience, no care No memories to mourn No turning, for I was Born to wander solitary Wide my world, narrow my bed Never never never will I marry Born to wander 'til I'm dead No burden to end No conscience, no care No memories to mourn No turning, for I was Born to wander solitary Wide my world, narrow my bed Never never never will I marry Born to wander 'til I'm dead Here it is sung by the incomparable Nancy Wilson:

  http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DNT8Ul1vDYUY

• 1. I completely support same-sex marriage as law. 2. Do I want it myself? HELL NO. 3. Under no circumstances? Well, if it was easier to ensure visitation, inheritance rights, etc., I'd consider it -- but that would be more trying to "game the system" than it would be any desire for actual marriage. I'd see it no differently than filing incorporation papers or something.

• If gay men want to get married of course they should have the right to... but pushing the idea of marriage seems like going back to the Ozzie and Harriet era. Let's face the facts: 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. 60 percent of all 2nd marriages end in divorce. And while some marriages work and are wonderful...others are quite destructive.

• All for it for everyone. Maybe even me, but not in foreseeable future.

  Edga

• I might marry someone if he wanted to immigrate to this country, but not otherwise.

• At some point

• yes