There was a woman in the news years ago who's son stabbed her to death. I believe he was drug addled, which explains how that happened.
As she lay there dying, she told him she loved him. I read a similar story about a man who killed his grandmother.
I can't speak for fathers, but as a mother myself, I understand this, when you become a mother, assuming you are mentally and emotionally normal, it's like you've never known what love is until that moment. No other love can compare, not love of other family, or romantic partner, none.
R9, in my experience the stress and strain of parenting older children (teens) doesn't touch the underlying love I have for them. The weight of responsibility and trying to do the right thing for them just makes me feel old and tired.
I would think it would be no different for adopted kids. I certainly feel that way. Once MOST people make the commitment to be a parent, you feel the responsibility pretty much 24/7.
On the other hand, I have a cousin who for 20 years has thought "me first, kids later if there is time/money". His daughter broke several ribs in a park once and I carried her to the car and drove her to the hospital- he couldn't be bothered to take off his ipod headphones. Just gave me a thumbs up and smiled. It was when I realized I wanted to be a parent.
People get very offended when I tell them of how I loved my daughter.
r4 i am the non-bio mom, and yes. it is clear the feeling is the same. i couldn't possibly love him more than i do, and it is a tad overwhelming.
"The baby’s been easy — way easier than anyone made it out to be."
I have stepchildren, an adopted foster child, and a biological child. I was surprised, actually, that I love them all with such intensity. My stepdaughter just had a baby (to whom I'm not genetically related at all) and I would kill anyone who tried to hurt that child...although I'd probably react the same way if someone tried to hurt any baby.
Yes. One wants the best for children-their future matters more than anything you think you *need*.
Yes, OP, the bond is so strong that you would give your life to save your child. It's also true that no one can really prepare you for the intensity of parental love. For me it was instant and hit me like a ton a bricks on the day he was born. I vividly remember putting his little hand in mine--against my palm (it was only about an 1 1/2 inches big) and thinking to myself, "one day this hand will be bigger than mine" and I felt such an overwhelming sense of responsibility to protect him and give him everything. I also remember looking at him and thinking, "you are pure potential, a blank slate. Shit, I better not fuck this up." I suddenly realized the big job I had taken on.
He's 21 now and a wonderful young man that I'm very proud of. He has given me plenty of trouble over the years, but it makes no difference. I still love him as much as I did on the day he was born. Maybe more so because all great memories as well as the bumps along the way make those bonds even stronger.
[quote] I wonder if the opposite is ever true. If you feel surprised by how the responsibilities of a child outweigh the love. People would never admit this though.
In the age of the internet, people admit it all the time. Just a few days ago someone posted a link to an essay by a father who doesn't like his three-year-old and flat-out admitted that he never wanted children. A few months ago there was a woman yapping on TV about how she gave up her parental rights because motherhood "just wasn't doing it" for her.
Fathers love unconditionally. Mothers not so much. Plus,they tend to use their kids as emotional blackmail. Disturbing but not surprising.
Typical DL. Point to a few rare extremes of parents who hate their kids and call it a "trend."
I feel that way about my niece & my nephew. Their parents are a-holes to the 3rd power but those kids mean more to me than life itself. They are just too precious. After the Sandy Hook shooting, I cried myself to sleep for 2 nights after my 6-year old niece told me if a mass shooter came in to her class, she would just play dead. A kid shouldn't even have to think or prepare for the unthinkable. They just are so perceptive and have no filter so it's endearing to have conversations with them. I've always said little kids and animals are more perceptive than we think and that they are the best judges of character. Yes, Mary! i know but its true. I live by that statement. The smallest among us sometimes know the most.
You've been spreading your woman hating crap over every thread, r21. Careful, or someone may start to think you have mommy issues.
I love my daughter to death.
Absolutely. I never wanted children and was terrified when I found out that I was pregnant. Grew up in an abusive home and don't speak to my mother. Have a great relationship with my now almost 21 year old daughter. I could not believe how much I loved her right away and still feel the same. It is a different love than any other kind. Scary at times with the thought of what life will bring and you only want the best for your child ( happiness, health , love etc...) I don't understand a parent that could disown a child or abuse them.
Having a child is like walking around with your heart outside your body.
R24, I am just tired of hypocritical women bashing men. I used to bite my tongue but since Iv'e been at DL I realized I don't have too. It's been liberating. Don't dish what you can't take. Oh and THANKS Datalounge for setting me free.
Sorry you got a raw deal with a shitty mother, R28, but you can't then generalize about all mothers because you got one that was terrible.
R29, Who said my was mother was more shitty that any other mother out there? I'm talking about women in general. They are hypocritical men bashers. No excuse for it.
R30, you're the only one in the room who doesn't realize you're showing your ass on this thread.
Stop embarrassing yourself.
Being a mother means sacrificing for your kids. Why, I remember one day when I was feeling a bit blue, my children wanted to go to the lake, so I drove them right over there.
R32 no one under 75 uses the word "why" as an exclamation at the beginning of a sentence that is not a question.
I'm considering having children. I still have to find the right woman, though.
I would lay down my life for my partner of many years. Is this any different?
My sister once told me that if she had to do it all over again, she would choose not to have kids. She's a decent mom and she loves her children, but deep down she resents them for changing her life so much. I think her emotions are probably common but few parents would ever admit it.
It is hard, OP. They grow up and dissapoint you.
The moment my child was placed in my arms, I knew I would never love anyone or anything more than I love him. Yes, you absolutely know instantly that this is the most powerful love you will ever know, and that you would give your life to protect him or her.
I have a hard time believeing this mother/child bond business, because my mom always tells me she wished she never had kids
AND she recently told me if I ever commit suicide she will make sure that I do not R.I.P., that my ghosts will walk the streets, all because I owe her some money.
yes op. look at Fantine!
I don't have bio children but i feel this way about my nieces and nephews. One of my younger nephews was floundering in the sea once - with no lifeguards and no other adults around. Without even thinking,I jumped in to pull him out. And I can't swim. Lucky for both of us the water was not too deep.
Isn't it a chemical thing? Oxytocin, I think. It helps create parental bonds. Maybe bad parents don't have much of that chemical in their bodies.
Lots of pedos in this thread. Yikes.
r37, I know several folks who say this. In fact, when I've mentioned that I never wanted kids, they always say "do NOT have them."
That being said, I'm glad I don't. I can't imagine loving something so much that can die. I have a hard time even having pets for this reason.
it IS the worst part about it. the constant worry and concern.
but the beauty of it far outweighs the bad.
I have to roll my eyes at some of the over-the-top comments about love for children. Too much, people. You're trying too hard.
While I do understand unconditional love for children, the whole "I'll lay my life for you," and "Having a child is like walking around with your heart outside your body," is just cringe inducing.
Love is love. Many people would lay down their lives for their significant others; and for people they love deeply. Such feelings are not exclusive to ones child(ren).
47 it is a totally different love. I rolled my eyes too until I had a child.
Of course it's different r48 and that's not what I meant. Non-parental love is just as strong. If anything, the person you love really lifts you off the ground and make you feel like you can do anything. Some people are driven mad by love.
I haven't heard it from anyone in this thread, but there are some parents who think the love they have for their children is far superior/unique/deeper than anything a non-parent has experienced. That is what I call BS on.
With children, it's a mixture of obligation, intense protection because you brought them into this world, biological bond, and nurturing a new life.
R47/49 = childless
It's not always hearts and flowers.
And that's OK.
I do think there is a biological basis for the parent-child bond.
But that is not to say that other relationships can't have similar emotional bonds, or that every parent feels that kind of bond with their child.
I'm going to say something controversial. I am not convinced that guys or adopted parents can have the same kind of intense throw themselves in front of a moving car kind of love for a child that biological mothers can. I know there will be a billion posts saying I'm wrong, but I don't think anyone can ever love you like your mothers. Sure, there are some shitty moms, but I think sharing a body with another human that you made, for 40 weeks, creates an unbreakable emotional tie.
Is anyone saying the child/parent love is somehow "better"?
We are answering the OP's question. It is different and more powerful than I ever imagined. And I too did not 'get' that until it happened to me.
People who want to be parents should be parents and people who don't want to be parents don't have to, but shouldn't get all defensive about it.
Furthermore, this instant-at-birth love-fest does not always happen, and parents should not be alarmed or ashamed by this.
(PPD symptoms excepted, of course.)
r40 - sounds like we had very similar mothers. Mine was an abusive narcissist. She used to tell me that once she died, she would come back to haunt me. She's been dead 5 years and so far, no ghosts that I know of! I'm glad she's gone.
I don't have any kids, but I got my dogs when I was just a little kid myself
14 years later, and Ive had my dogs for longer than some people have had their children. To me, they are my kids. I know they are only animals but I love them all the same. I get the emotions that parents feel. They need me (at least sometimes), so I care for them and worry about them, cry if they get injured, feed them and worry if they are being picky eaters, bathe them, and (lmao) teach them to be independent so they can help themselves (they let themselves out into our fenced off backyard to go pee and run around, in between our daily LONG hikes)
Maybe im not qualified to answer OP's question, but it's an indescribable love, sort of like the type of love you have for your siblings. You care about them and want the best for them
I agree with R53. There is something hormonal that goes on that insures a strong bond. It's instinctive and out of your control. The maternal bond was/is necessary for the survival of the species. If mothers didn't have a fierce desire to protect their young, our species would have died out.
r53. You are wrong, but it's clear you're not open to that possibility.
Most of this thread is bullshit. Yes, there are some parents out there that love their kids with this kind of fierce passion, but overall most people with kids treat them like crap. If it weren't so, we wouldn't have so many fucked up kids in this world. I get that you THINK you have this kind of love, but your behavior is not in line with what you say. I've seen too many "parents" have a kid and then drop them off at daycare for their entire childhood to be raised by strangers. If you truly loved your child, you would raise him/her yourself 24/7. And if you can't afford to do that, then you have no business having a child.
Definitely not the best option for most children, so, no.