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Anxiety/fear about death

I've struggled with anxiety for years, and lately I've been obsessing over death. In the past I've had hypochondria which would cause me to panic (convinced I had a brain tumor, that kind of thing), but this time it's different. I'm not worried about OMG AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK?!?! like I used to, I'm just freaking out about the fact that I have to die one day, and everyone around me will be dead, too. I don't have any siblings and have no plans to have kids, my partner is 15 years older than me and I don't have many friends; I'm worried that someday it's just going to be me, by myself, with no one to take me to doctor's appointments or be by myself in the hospital, or to plan my funeral. I'm fearing the fact that death is the one thing in life that we absolutely MUST endure, and we have little control over how and when it happens (other than eating right, avoiding bad habits, etc, of course). It's also one of the few things in life we MUST do alone--even if I died in some sort of terrorist attack with a thousand other people, I'm still going through the process of dying ALONE. I used to be very independent, but in the past few years as my anxiety has increased, I've relied on other people (my partner and parents mostly) a lot. I don't like to be alone for long periods, I don't like to go to the doctor alone, I don't like to do much of anything alone. I do wonder if becoming more self-reliant will help me get over some of the fear of being alone in my old age. Everytime I think I get past this fear of death and it's not on my mind 24/7, someone dies. Last week it was a friend who passed very suddenly from a heart attack, age 43. And that got my mind working--what if I die suddenly? I could die tomorrow and my last day on earth will have been spent worrying about death and working. Everything I've worked for in life could be gone in an instant. What would my parents do? I have another friend who's my age who died last year, and every single day her mother posts these long, sad posts on FB. I don't want my mother to have to go through that. It makes me more anxious because I know as I get older, there will be more and more funerals to attend, including my own parents and my partner. Sometimes at family gatherings I look around and think if I live to be 85, all these people will be dead before me and I'll be attending all these funerals. Sometimes when my partner is on the couch next to me, I'll look over and think "someday I'll be alone on this couch and all of this will be just a memory". Does anyone else think this way? I know, I need therapy, unfortunately my health insurance is horrible. I feel like I'm wasting so much of my life worrying about death and getting old. I get depressed because I think if I'm having THIS much trouble at the age of 28, when I could have another 60 years left to live, what's going to happen when I'm 80 and my days are REALLY numbered? Or what if I only think I have another 60 years, but I am diagnosed with a terminal disease in only 10 years?


a mess
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