Meeting a guy next week, who is 'the man that got away'. We haven't seen each other in 5 years.
Don't know, but my sense is he is now in love with someone else - and I'll leave the dinner feeling like crap.Any suggestions ?
That great beginning has seen its final inning.
Every trick of his you're onto, but fools will be fools and where's he gone to?
Don't act desperate.
Should I act like I don't really need him to be happy - but, if he's available in the future, we should try again ?
This will end in tears.
Why act like every trick of his? You're one too.
At the time , I was coming out of a long relationship, and didn't want to get involved in another again so soon . Now, after kissing lots of frogs , I realize we really are meant to be together - the chemistry is unlike anyone else I've met. I'm not 22 anymore either, and ready to be in love again.
Sounds to me like he's lucky he got away.
OP, the man that won you has gone off and undone you. That great beginning has seen the final inning. Don't know what happened. It's all a crazy game.
I should have realized this was DL , when I used that reference. It's made me laugh - but I wish someone would reply seriously.
OP play it cool. You dont want to come off as desperate or needy because that could scare him off. If it turns out he has found someone, act like you're happy for him. If he is single, there are subtle ways you can drop the hint. Instead of saying something like, "I want to settle down and be in love" say "I think maybe I am ready to settle down". That also maybe a good way of reaffirming the reason you didn't pursue him years ago because you were still getting over the break up. If you get the chance to talk about what you are looking in a mate, list qualities he has. Most important, dont drink because booze can sometimes make people say things they later regret. Good luck and let us know how it went.
I'd love the chance to do this, op. Even if he's taken, you get to 'go back' and reexamine.
RE 11 -Thank you - lots of good advice there
Some of you don't seem like you can exist without a relationship. You're either just out of one, dating, or giddily starting a new one.
Do you look better, or worse than you last saw him ?
Don't forget OP, this is about now, not about who was right back then.
Just be in the NOW. Feel what you feel and think what you think. But be kind to yourself. Be grounded. However things go is a total experience of who YOU are, from the inside out. You will have the kind of dinner and connection with him that is a reflection of who you are now, not five years ago. If you end up in some heartbreak scenario, then you will have let yourself get there. The same for a healthy relationship. Do you want drama? No one else can make you happy. No one else "completes you" and all that crap. It's crap. You might fall in love with this guy, you might go "What did I ever see in him?" But have self esteem and self respect no matter what, then you cannot go wrong.
#17 = Iyanla Vanzant
Excellent....THANK YOU You sound like a therapist, which is good.
R11 gave some great advice and I'm going to throw in my two cents, as well: Timing is everything. You weren't ready for this guy 5 years ago and he might not be ready for you now, no matter how much you think you're destined to be be together.
All of us have obsessed or pined for someone who wasn't available or interested. And OP, I think your overwhelming "need" to be in love could be clouding your judgment. After all, you didn't choose this man 5 years ago and you may have had sound reasons, which you've conveniently forgotten. And even if that's not the case, time can change people. Your needs and his might be very different.
Go to the meal. Put on a smile. Keep the conversation light but honest and make sure you're someone fun to be around. I would advise against revealing your agenda, as it could easily frighten him off if he's not on the same page. Take the temperature of the room and if you sense he's interested, make another date.
Toss any and all expectations. And good luck!
OK, here's a serious reply, OP. Don't push it or force anything. Have dinner, then go from there. Your own feelings may have changed and you just don't realize it yet. People change. You've changed, he's changed. He's not the guy you fell for five years ago, no matter what you think. Also, you may be idealizing him.
I say approach this as if you're meeting someone new. You kind of are.
RE 20 & 21 - Great advice, and so true. I'm putting all the onus on myself, and him liking me. You gave me a new perspective. I feel more relaxed - and will also see how he would fit into my life at this point, and stop the idealizing. Thank you !
OP, I thinks this one is simple. Keep it light and friendly. If he's taken then you back off. If he's single and you still feel the same about him after dinner tell him you're interested in trying again to see where it goes. Don't be coy or drop hints hoping he'll figure you out.
I'll add my advice--
Don't play games. Don't push buttons to get a rise out of him. Don't bullshit. Be as honest as you can be.
I don't play games, and am honest. But I do tend to get a bit overly defensive at times - in the stupid, macho way a lot of us do. Like 'fine , go off in your new life together' kind of BS. I'll have to tamp that way down. And before anyone says it, I understand it's only about the hurt of rejection. I know that. We're guys - we always like to win.....even if it doesn't really matter.
Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes.
I'm rooting for you, OP. It's been five years since I saw my "man who got away", and I would love nothing more than the two of us getting back together again...even though it's doomed.
I hope you can find your happy ending.
OP, relax and have a nice time. Use it to catch up as you would with an old friend. Don't say, "I'm ready to settle down" or any variation of it. Just be honest and say, "I've missed you! I'm so glad we got together tonight." You have no idea what his motives are or why he wants to see you, do you?
If he's in a relationship, but wants to "see you" then you can tell him you 've been down that road, and you're not interested in being the "spare." You deserve to have a happy stable relationship, and if there is no potential for it than you'll just have to remain friends.
Good luck, OP. Remember, not all advice is applicable to all situations, so play this one by ear. You had been with this man for 5 years and you know him more than almost anyone else on earth. And he knows you more than almost anyone else on earth. Reestablish the connection that made him and you want to stay together for 5 years. Remember the good times and learn from the bad times in your relationship. If you reestablish that magical sense of connection then he will fall for you again and if he doesn't then it was never meant to be. Relax and have fun with this new opportunity. Sorry for sounding corny, but there is something romantic about reconnecting with an old flame that you thought was extinguished forever.
OP, wear your prettiest caftan and be sure to wait till after dessert before presenting your hole.
R30, This Mortal Coil's It'll End in Tears. Great bit of dream pop, especially the covers of Big Star and Tim Buckley.
You may never have this chance again. So say everything you need to say. Circumstances may prevent it from working out; if it doesn't re-ignite at least you won't spend the rest of your life wishing you had told him all the things you were too afraid to say.
Thanks guys - never imagined I'd get this much advice. Thought I might get 1 or 2 replies.It is much appreciated.
Oh, by the way #29 - we we not together for 5 years. Dated for several months,then I called it off. It's been 5 years since we've seen each other.
Oooh, OP, you in danger, gurl!!
Who initiated the date? If you, be prepared for rejection. If him, he's into you.
I truly believe that you only get one "chance" with a person. Yes, there are exceptions but it really is true. People are always changing and growing.Probably, he's moved on-and so should you OP.
"Any suggestions ?"
More restraint and unreachable handcuff keys.
You made your bed....
You may be right, R37.
What led you to this hypothesis?
R40-R37 here. Years of hard experience lead me to really think there is no second chance. I think many of us look at the past in a sentimental/rosy way and forget why we didn't make it work with that person before. Again,there are exceptions,but very rarely.
I'm very good friends with my "one who got away". Sadly, I'm not the one that got away for him. I was a brief fling that didn't mean anything. Alas.
Good luck OP. May you have better results than I have had.
Thanks R37 R41 --
I think you are correct.
There are precious few successful "do-overs."
" 'Tis wiser to leave the past in the past. "