Relationship where one partner suddenly leaves the other without explanation
I had a elementary teacher whose husband suddenly left her with her 2 kids after 10 years of living together, without explanation. It was extremely sudden. I wonder what causes this. Have you ever had this happen to you, and if so, why do you think he left you.
It's because they're chicken shits who want to leave without the drama.
OP are you sure he left without an explanation? Its not like a teacher is going to announce to her class, "my husband left me for a pole dancer last night."
They fall for someone else, usually unexpectedly.
One is not the loneliest number..it's two, when one or both partners are unhappy.
It's not sudden for the person who leaves. That sort of scenario usually means the leaving one has hated their life for a long, long time and just wakes up one morning and it's either leave or die. It's a classic case of "it's me not you".
I wouldn't do it-- I don't think I would, anyway, but I can definitely sympathize; not with abandoning children, but with leaving a partner suddenly.
In my own life, I am with a partner I do not want to be with. It's not easy for everyone to exit a relationship they no longer want to be in. Some of us don't know how to get out, especially when there is no singular horrible reason to get out.
In my case, I would be consumed by guilt if I left, because I know he is madly in love, and more than that, he is heavily dependent on me for his standard of living and his socializing ("our" friends are all "my" friends). He would be a mess if we broke up. There is nothing for me to discuss with him (ie he is not doing anything wrong that I would like him to change), and I am sure he thinks everything is wonderful between us.
Although I won't suddenly drop out of the relationship, I do fantasize about it all the time.
Or they're impulsive and/or bipolar.
That's a great way of putting it, r5. It isn't "sudden" for the leaver at all. I wonder how close I am to that point of leave or die.
And you keep waiting for some kind of argument you can blow out of proportion and use as an excuse for leaving. Then one happens and you just look at them and at the top of you voice yell: "OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU."
I don't understand the utterly sudden aspect at all.
Couples have issues, but unless one or both parties are seriously passive aggressive or being martyrs for the relationship, most healthy relationships have a time where one (or both) partners will talk to the other and express that they are unhappy, unsatisfied, etc.
Long relationships/marriages don't obligate both parties to stay if one is unhappy. But most would have the courtesy to talk about it, bring it into the open, see if therapy would help, etc. It's unpleasant but far more fair than just packing one's bags and saying "Buh bye, you bore me."
Other than a seriously abusive relationship, an unfaithful one, or a scenario where one partner lied tremendously about who they were to the other, the "sudden" doesn't fit in.
R6 makes it sound like he's the one doing all the giving, but he must be getting something in return or he would have left.
Maybe you lack courage, R6 or are waiting to find someone else before you cut the cord.
You sound unhappy and I therefore don't mean to sound snarky but I think there's another side to your story.
[quote]Relationship where one partner suddenly leaves the other without explanation
People who watch The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills have seen this played out over and over...one of the husbands even killed himself to get away from his unhappy life and marriage.
People sneer at these kinds of shows but in fact there's a lot about human nature to be learned from them. No, really.
You do realize you're not doing your partner any favors by staying with him "for his sake," right, R6? You are allowing him to live a lie – a betrayal that will sting much harder and longer than a drop in his standard of living or a restriction of his social life.
[quote]R6 makes it sound like he's the one doing all the giving, but he must be getting something in return or he would have left.
I think R10 does a good job of explaining R6.
Surely you realize that long term relationships fall apart all the time, for a variety of reasons. Some breakups are indeed sudden, but generally at least one partner has been unhappy for some time. Often a "midlife crisis" will prompt someone to decide leave his partner rather suddenly.
No, I don't get anything out of the relationship that I would miss, I know that for sure. But what I get out of staying is avoiding the drama of the breakup (and being the cold-hearted bad guy, etc.). I am definitely not saying that it isn't cowardly, it is; although I am genuine when I say that a breakup would be very hard on him emotionally, financially, and socially (and none of that for me).
But that larger point I am trying to make is that I think it is common for people to be miserable in a relationship and not be able or willing to articulate to his or her partner. I think long term frustration and confusion can lead people to make (what seem like) sudden decisions to leave, or more drastically, to suicide or murder.
A friends wife recently left him with no explanation after 20 years of marriage. No good explanation anyway. He doesn't make as much as he used to, and she got sick of having to clean her own house. She called a moving company, and was out when he returned from work. I think that she is nuts from menopause? He still makes about 100k a year, but used to make 300k, so it isn't like they are poor. She still thinks she will be able to land a richer man at the age of 47. It will never happen.
You don't own a gun, R15?
Maybe your friend didn't tell you that he beats her nightly or has 3 whores on the side.
Don't presume you know everything about someone's relationship based on what they deem to tell you.
I knew a lesbian couple who were together for more than 25 years. They were ubiquitous during the CA fight for marriage rights and as soon as they actually got married one of them walked away. WTF? Very unexpected.
This happens so often that it makes me nervous about relationships.
R16, you are hearing only your friend's side of the story. He's likely hurt and humiliated that his partner left him, so naturally, he paints her as the villain: "Bitch left me because I don't make enough money."
The wife's story might be something entirely different--maybe not anything as dramatic as beatings or whores, but perhaps not anything as shallow as your friend's decreased income level, either.
[quote] But what I get out of staying is avoiding the drama of the breakup (and being the cold-hearted bad guy, etc.). I am definitely not saying that it isn't cowardly, it is;
So, you're admitting you're a coward and you don't want to look like the bad guy.
But you sanctify your cowardice and need for approval by saying he'd suffer more and has more to lose.
If you leave this very bad scenario for too long it, will be much much worse when the crunch eventually occurs.
Maybe you're also frightened of your BF.
You need to take some form action ASAP.
(Again, I don't mean to sound snarky. I really feel for you in this horrible situation).
Most enduring long term relationships go through periods where either one or both parties contemplate whether the grass is greener single or with someone else but come through them still in love.
Once you've made the unshakable determination that you aren't in love with someone anymore and would rather be out of the relationship, it's over. Just going through the motions is unfair to the person you're with and is setting them up for a worse heartbreak than simply being honest and respectfully ending it.
Sometimes things have been dying for a long, long time for one or both, and comes a day when you can't pretend for one second longer.
It's best to remain an independent person (your own income, checking account, job, etc.) in case things go wrong. Don't be dumb; if someone wants to combine eveything (how romantic!) they're a gold-digger.
[quote] But that larger point I am trying to make is that I think it is common for people to be miserable in a relationship and not be able or willing to articulate to his or her partner.
Unable? No. Unwilling? Perhaps. No one likes confrontation.
It's also true that people tend to not want to be the decisive ones. Many people wait until an event happens to impact the relationship so they can either blame the event or the partner's reaction to it. Versus speaking up and articulating what they are thinking, which would require them to own their shit and take responsibility for their part in the relationship's end.
[quote] ... as soon as they actually got married one of them walked away. WTF?
I know a startling number of couples, gay and straight, who have had the same experience: coupled, living together, and seemingly rock-solid in their commitment to each other for years and years, and then as soon as they got legally married, it all fell apart. I think that in most cases, the relationship was a comfortable old habit that the couple hadn't really examined for ages; becoming officially, legally bound to each other provoked an "oh, shit!" moment that caused one or both partners to start thinking about problems in the relationship for the first time in years.
[quote]It's also true that people tend to not want to be the decisive ones. Many people wait until an event happens to impact the relationship so they can either blame the event or the partner's reaction to it. Versus speaking up and articulating what they are thinking, which would require them to own their shit and take responsibility for their part in the relationship's end.
You are aware that you and I are not actually disagreeing?
r6, I think you should leave your partner. You think you are doing him a favor but let him find someone else. Someone that loves him before he is too old to be a good catch.
Many times men ignore women's pleas to talk out a problem. She talks, he tunes out. She leaves. He's surprised.
R6, we may agree on the theory, but I also agree with R28.
Own your life and your happiness. Put on your big boy/girl pants and tell your partner how you feel. It will suck, but it's the first step to healing.
That is, unless there are other considerations (Children...or the fact that your partner brings home the bacon and you like BLT's.)
r19, that seems like the cause was what was keeping them together.
I've seen people gay and straight alike rush headlong into marriage exactly BECAUSE they were feeling stress in their relationship. They think it's going to be the 'glue' that will keep it all together. For those lesbians, perhaps once they were married they realized there was nothing about that piece of paper that was going to fix their problems.
My therapist elaborates on this about couples who don't have kids.. They're all looking for something to lean on when the relationship itself loses it's meaning. People with kids have something to focus on when their relationship starts to falter. They invest all their meaning into their children and sometimes it really does help to get through the rough patches- other times it's just sad for the kids.
I dunno. My partner and I have been together for 16 years. I have wanted to leave twice. I thought that I didn't love him anymore. I stayed for stupid reasons (the house we own and business we owned together). We are happier than ever, and are madly in love. Some people need reasons to stick through the tough times. Things always get better, and people can work through shit, but most people don't have the patience unless they are for forced to.