If your mother was in the hospital for 2.5 weeks for surgery and then in a transitional care facility for another 3 wks
before returning home, would you visit your mother for 2.5 hours every single day in the hospital and the transitional care place before she returns home? And your mother has both a husband and daughter in the same city who visit too.
yes, you ungrateful son
I'd visit a lot more than that. "Transitional care" means a nursing home and you know she hates that and is afraid of being abandoned there.
every single day and for 2.5 hours every single day for 5.5 weeks?
I absolutely would visit her for 2.5 hours per day, or longer, regardless of whomever else is in the same city.
It might be a pain some days, but my mom's always been good to me, and I'd have no problems being there for her.
No, the transitional place is NOT a nursing home - she is there just for a few weeks to recover from the surgery. She will be going home soon.
She has a husband and daughter in the same city who visit too.
She is not being abandoned in any way whatsoever.
Sounds like you've answered your own question, OP.
I don't have that kind of time. And she lived in another city.
R2, how long would you visit if not 2.5 hours every day? Are you working a fulltime job, R2, or are you retired/unemployed?
How old is the mother? Is she incapacitated by the surgery to the point that she needs an advocate then I can see that a regular presence that implies vigilance on the part of the relatives is important. But there are other family members there regularly.
I wouldn't. I would certainly go regularly, maybe even daily. But that's just me.
I would not do that, because I loathe spending time with my mother.
R9, you say "I wouldn't". I think you are saying you would not visit for 2.5 hours every day but would visit for much shorter times regularly.
No, she is not incapacitated by the surgery.
She is vastly overweight and in transitional care to regain strength.
Why do you ask, OP?
Spend as much time with her as you can. My mom was in a similar situation and, looking back, I wish I had taken a leave of absence from work and spent every day with her. Unfortunately, she passed away while she was in the nursing home which is probably why my advice to you is GO! TAKE CARE OF HER! you'll be glad you did.
Somebody *please* co-sign my bullshit!
If a surgery was so serious that they had to keep her in the hospital for 2.5 weeks and then a care facility for another 3 weeks, yes. It's rare for patients to spend that kind of time in a hospital, so I'd want to spend as much time with her as I could to keep her spirits up.
OP's bf is visiting his mother in the hospital and OP is jealous of her.
Why do you have this all down to decimal point madness? MARY!
It's your mom. Visit her. Don't count the minutes like a anal retentive douche kit. Make the visits meaningful, no matter the length or duration.
You sound like it's almost who has to prove who is the better child by who visits the longest - like it's some sort of science project.
Chill the fuck out
Okay, R16, but that is assuming that your presence every day would lift her spirits.
It is not a given or automatic that your presence would lift spirits - for example, if there has been conflict between the two of you or the two of you do not like each other very much.
You are an mentally unbalanced nut case, R19.
Leave your boyfriend alone OP. Let him do what he needs to do. You don't own him.
Yes, R9. Two and a half hours is a lot. My mother isn't exactly a warm or kind person (to put it nicely), which plays into this, so it would be wasted time and I'd probably leave sad and exhausted. A half hour for regular visits would be enough, IMO.
I do have a question about having visitors for such a long periods of time during convalescence. When I'm sick, I value peace and quiet. I know that regular visits from loved ones are important, but can't frequent visits strain someone who's had surgery that requires so much convalescence?
Yes, I would, OP. And my mom would do the same for me.
Christ, OP. If your boyfriend wants to spend time with his sick mother, let it go. Find a hobby or some interest that doesn't involve your partner for awhile. Don't be so high maintenance that you're jealous over the time he spends with his mother after surgery.
R 21 - I'm not the one obsessing over how many hours someone spends visiting a loved one in a hospital or convalescent home.
What's it to you how many hours someone spends doing what they want to do, it sounds like you're kind of possessive and controlling. And I need help? I'm unbalanced? Yes. Keep telling yourself that honey.
Will you tools please listen to R18. It was quite obvious to me immediately upon reading OP's whiney complaint. He's pissed because the bf is tied up with his mom and isn't free to come home and pound his hole every night.
My mom lives 5 minutes away from me & I don't spend 2.5 hours with her a year - so, no.
R23, I agree with you about the peace and quiet and convalescence time.
When I was in the hospital, I actually did not want any visitors (excepts for the nurses) because I felt so awful -
and also because I looked and felt terrible without having my hair washed and without decent baths/showers. In fact, there was no hair washing except dry shampoo powder, and just very incomplete baths in bed, so I felt dirty and grimey.
Plus recuperating, I did not feel well, and didn't feel like talking or entertaining visitors.
Plus the bedpan problem which can make one lose dignity.
You should be happy, OP. Don't they say that you can tell what kind of a husband someone will be by how they treat their mother? Would you rather that he is a jerk? Use the time he is away to have some alone time. And be supportive, you can score some points with the whole family.
ITA @ R29. I'm not one to like being pampered when sick. I like to be left alone. I might appreciate a quick visit every few days, but that's it.
Also, no one wants to feel like they have to entertain "guests" when they feel sick or in pain and, unfortunately, that's how some visitors behave--like it's a social call and they expect you to keep up your end of the conversation.
My mother wouldn't want that. I can't see how any mother that would. They want you to live your life. A visit and a call is nice. But why the overkill? The poor mother doesn't need that.
Damy, why do you do this to me, Damy?
OP is one passive aggressive shit.
I think the OP is getting the true nature of the issue at R20. The person visiting his/her mother for so long each and every day has a poor history with the patient and they do not appear to enjoy each other's company. Going forward with this premise, what's the point of the visits? What's the underlying agenda? Dysfunctional families do strange, inexplicable, and potentially destructive stuff. I don't know why the OP didn't go into more specifics about the situation because they'd determine our answers. If the situation is like this, I can't imagine that two and half hour visits are good for anyone, patient included.
I may be reading too much, but it kind of sounds like the woman ate herself into her situation so she bears some responsibility for her predicament. This complicates stuff. Morbid obesity also means she likely had enablers in the family. This isn't a simple situation by any means which is why I'm confused why no more details were provided. I guess the OP wanted to present the situation neutrally. But there's no such thing as neutral in whacked out families.
Just realized that I mistakenly addressed R11 as R9 upthread.
very astute observation, R33
And you are also right about the overkill/overboard
R32, your observations are also astute
R36, what details would you like to know?
And yes, the mother ate herself into being very obese - but I'm not sure where you are going with that fact or how it impacts current situation.
Just park her in a wheelchair in a major sports stadium. Someone is sure to come along to take care of her, so it will work out well for her eventually.
I don't think it's that simple, OP.
Do what you feel right about doing. The only measure that matters is how you feel about it inside.
The mother of what, OP?
R41, it is also important how the patient (the mother) feels about it. That is just as important, if not more so, than how the visitor feels about it.
Well, R39, what details do you think are important for us to know? History of family relationships and interactions might be a good place to start. Why do you think your friend feels so compelled to visit like this? How do you feel about it? You're hinting that you're not pleased. Why?
[quote]the mother ate herself into being very obese - but I'm not sure where you are going with that fact or how it impacts current situation.
Chronic morbid obesity can cause more health problems than alcohol or tobacco. There's a huge laundry list of conditions that are either created or potentiated by it. One could argue that the patient was responsible for her own poor health, no? Is this what some family members think? Is this what you think? That can open up a huge can of worms. Did the father and other siblings enable her? Or did they fret about her weight and try to help her to no avail? Did they argue about this? Was there one family member running out and buying enormous amounts of food to keep her happy (the enabler) while other family members were mortified? Are they angry that she quite possibly ruined her health permanently (and the family finances probably)?
There's so much that could be going on in this dynamic. When there's such a morbidly obese family member, or there are drug and alcohol issues in the family, there's often some type of dysfunction in their wake.
Was she in the hospital due to complications with gastric bypass?
R45, no, an ulcer in intestine which suddenly caused pain and became inflamed and an open tear.
Is this a math problem?
This is a battle you won't win, OP.
Visiting parents in the hospital is hard to define. My feeling is, when it feels like an obligation, it's time to go home. For many there is no feeling of obligation and the number of visits and length of time for each visit isn't a consideration. But, if there are children and husbands or wives too, that definitely affects each visit and the length of time. I've been in your position, I've always been single, so when I had a parent in the hospital I hung out there and broke up the time by making trips for Ice cream, hot food that was wanted, I even washed their hair and if necessary have someone come in to cut their hair and give them a foot massage or pedicure. One of the sad developments with getting sick and old, is the decline in physical contact. So if I got bored, which happened more often than not, I'd just give a neck or back or leg and feet massage.
Keep in mind, a lot of those activities I've mentioned can be quite a financial imposition for many of us, so don't feel guilty of you're not in a position to afford those little perks.
I just pray OP's boyfriend is sucking nurse dick - any and all nurse dick. Nurses, like fire fighters and teachers, truly are heroic human beings.
Daily visits ensure higher quality care. The boyfriend's mother has a daily advocate and her caregivers know it.
2.5 hours? Like the rest of civilization, the boyfriend hates OP and will use any excuse to stay away from him.
The husband of the mother is present every day for two hours.
There is no question about the mother receiving excellent care. The health care center gives excellent care and has a very highly regarded reputation.
The father hates OP as well.
Hell to the no.
No, she wouldn't want to see me 2.5 hours everyday! Geeze...a couple times a week would suit her, for an hour, tops.
My mother had open heart surgery and, because we live together, she was discharged home the second week. She convalesced at home for two months and went back to work. We had very good in home care.
My question to you, OP, is why she went to rehab/transitional in the first place if the three of you could have taken care of her at home?
another nut case at R58
R58, you obviously have devoted your entire life to your mother which is so stereotypical of a gay son.
Plus R58, some people have jobs to go to in order to make a living
And others do not have a house/home which they own or where someone can convalesce for two months
And some people live alone, work a fulltime job, and live in an apt.
And R58, you have posted many times before about how you have lived with your mother all your life - pitiful and deranged. And if that is not you, you are the other pitiful poster who cannot live without his mother.
Bug off with your ridiculous scenarious and mentally unbalanced thoughts.
yeah, right, everyone who needs rehabilitation, physical therapy, and close care after surgery should stay at home rather than in a transitional or rehab care center.
And yeah, right, physical therapy and rehab can be done in an apartment or a home rather than ina care center.
And yeah, right, everyone's insurance covers fulltime home health workers in the home for unlimited days.
And everyone can handle in a home or apt, a vastly obese woman who needs all kinds of care, physical therapy, and rehab.
yeah, right, every surgical patient or patient with needs should just stay in an apt or her own home or the home of her children
r59 and r61, thank you for making me remember how fortunate I am to be able to have done those things.
I hate these threads. They remind me of what lousy son I was and forever will be. The actions and inactions we can not change haunt us the most. Lousy sons happen to very good people.
R63, please see R33. I doubt that you were as lousy a son as you think you were or are. No need to be haunted by anything.
Op sounds like my ex.
Horrible excuse for a human being.
I can only imagine how peevishly OP acts when his BF comes home from being with his mother. Maybe the bf will have enough sense to dump him and find someone who doesn't sing me-me-me all the time.