Just how important is love to you?

I used to think that it was a big part of life. I'd dream about having a Hollywood star-looking boyfriend. Now I don't. I just try to find someone who I'm comfortable with.

• bump

• I'd rather have good vietnamese food

• Extremely. You can't find love on the outside. You find it on the inside.

  Tyra

• I find vietnamese food on the outside AND the inside

• lol

• I just turned 36 and I couldn't care less about finding love. I've been in love twice. Been there, done that. If I met someone great, I'd do it again. But I won't settle (like I have in the past) and I won't waste time or energy "looking". If the second half of my life is spent with friends and family, so be it!

• If you don't find a partner by 40, forget about it. By then, the rest who are available are a rotten lot. Drinkers, dopers, unstable, limited interests (sex and food), and they can't usually hold a job----Oh yeah, JUST LIKE YOU!

• r7 you're a cunt!!!!!!

• If gay men were like straights, I'd actually agree with you, R7. But since the average gay relationship is about 2 days, today's partnered gay is tomorrow's single gay. This happens at all ages.

• R7 here, and I forgot. They also tend to have an optimistic world view like R9.

• learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all

  AnnE

• Being in love with someone? Not really important. I'm not really interested in relationships. But it sure would be awesome to find an amazing boyfriend to spend my life with, regardless. Being loved by people who I care dearly for myself? Very important.

  Francis

• R10/7, I'm years away from 40. Sorry if I'm a realist.

• [quote]Just how important is love to you? I used to think that it was a big part of life. I'd dream about having a Hollywood star-looking boyfriend. Then that bitch Joan stole him away

  Bette

• Love is everything to me.

• Love is a construct created by society to dope the masses into marriage, relationships, etc. Makes for good movies and novel plots, but not so practical in real life.

• No it isn't R16. Sad that you feel that way.

• Single or coupled, love is all there is to life that is of lasting worth. To have known love makes death so much more acceptable. I have found that those who fear death the most have experienced love the least fully.

• [quote]Love is a construct created by society Yes, but so is communicating via the internet just as you are doing R16.

• Oh, love is not just this illusion, this construct. Love is the goal. Being able to come from a loving place as much as you can. Of course, you can't really have lasting, joyful love if you don't work on yourself for awhile first. Love yourself is number one. Work on your issues is number two. These can take a long, discouraging while but it's worth it. Then you can find the most amazing love you didn't realize existed. I know I was lonely and resigned that it would never happen for me, but I still did the work I needed to, with that small glimmer of hope. We just had our 2 year anniversary, and have vowed to spend our lives together. I know that we're still newish, but we have the best love we've both ever experienced, despite trying it with gobs of people throughout life. Ages 39 and 60. Love makes everything in life better. We laugh together, we are sweet to each other. The feelings we have are much deeper than we ever felt before. And we really work at keeping our relationship honest and connected. An excellent relationship (because why aim for anything less?) is one of the hardest things you can successfully accomplish, but the rewards for your effort, and your willingness to be vulnerable and open are immeasurable. And oh so worth it. Maybe I sound mushy to the cynics? Okay, fair enough. But let me assure you that I'm enjoying my heart-full life much more than i did when I was a sarcastic, cynical bitch (that was my M.O. for years). We do have our good days and our bad days. In fact, we had (and resolved) a petty fight today. I'm not trying to say it's 100% bliss, but when we have issues, the pain of the emotional separation is great motivation to resolve problems, and then things are great again. Pursue love! It's worth it.

• r20, sounds like you've done that rare thing and actually developed a grown-up attitude towards relationships!

• OP finding someone you are comfortable with has just as much to do with "love" then finding a "Hollywood-star looking boyfriend." Physical admiration does not equal love. One can physically admire many people whom one does not love. One can also be comfortable with people one does not love, of course, but one can't really love someone one is not comfortable with, whereas one can certainly love someone who is not "hollywood-star" looking.

• Love is very important if you're talking about loving yourself. That is what's important.

• r9, gay men's love affairs, like everybody else's, are only what society allows them to be. When we've had a few generations of being able to make our own choices without being censored or punished we'll see what the natural state of gay affairs is.

• I agree with R22 that your concept is a little twisted, OP.

• "When we've had a few generations of being able to make our own choices without being censored or punished we'll see what the natural state of gay affairs is." Well the first generation is a bust, if this place is any indication. Guys here spend half their free time watching internet porn and get their social skills from it, then go out in the real world and expect their romantic life to resemble the plot of a porn movie. When it doesn't, they bolt.

• Not very. I don't believe it exists in most cases. I've largely lost interest in relationships and have decided to live alone - perhaps permanently.

• It's an disease that comes and goes regardless of how you 'feel' about it. A mental illness, love makes me realize how mentally unstable I can become over another person. It's far better to be dumped than to dump. Dealing with feelings and then a total lack of feelings for another person is very disquieting. It's noticing that the person hasn't changed, but something inside me has changed. Ick.

• The old, "it's not you, it's me" pronouncement, eh, R28?

• R28, the disquiet comes from your fear of intimacy. It's hard to stop being attracted to someone when you're really working on being current and transparent with your emotions and life. Sure, there are people who just aren't a fit, but if you're generally compatible and both are willing to be vulnerable and intimate, the attraction just grows. While you choose to avoid relationships, spend time loving yourself and endeavoring to be more open with whoever is in your life: friends and family. The disconnect so common in modern society is responsible for much of the depression, loneliness and emptiness people feel. You need to connect. We all do. It's our nature. You deserve better than the life you're allowing yourself to have.

• [quote]"I love you" I'm 47 and no one has ever said these words to me. Have also never had a boyfriend. And it's not because I'm unattractive or a terrible person, it just has never happened for me. So by now I've more or less given up that it ever will and just make myself content being alone (not that I still wouldn't welcome it, however, if only so I don't end up old and alone). That old saying about "there's someone for everyone"? I stopped believing in that years ago. I think some people are meant to be alone and that I may be one of them. And it's not a reflection on you as a person or on anything you've done right or wrong, just that that's the way it is. So be it.

• It is whatever it is. I'd much rather focus on trying to be a good person and friend, rather than think about romance. And regarding the prospect of a long-term sexual contract, no one is more reliable for me than myself...

• I don't give it a lot of thought. Never had it, never will, not sure if I care all that much about that. I've always been alone so I can deal with being alone for the rest of my life, it doesn't matter.

• [quote] Just how important is love to you? I used to think that it was a big part of life. I'd dream about having a Hollywood star-looking boyfriend. Now I don't. I just try to find someone who I'm comfortable with. I'm confused here. You seem to be mistaking "love" with "having a Hollywood star-looking boyfriend", as if you could only love someone good-looking. Is that what you're saying? Are you really this shallow? I've been in love for 12 years with a man I can best describe as "someone I'm comfortable with". He's not gorgeous, rich or hung, but he's sweet, kind and cute, and treats me very well. He's also very in love with me. I like my definition of love better.

• I tend to agree r31, although I have had a few men tell me that they loved me but it turned out to be just so much bullshit. I don't know for sure what the definition of love is but it seemed like it may have been important to me when I was in my 20s and 30s and somehow kept looking for the right older man to give it to me and I freely admit that then I had some "daddy issues". The thing is, many of the older men were kinda fucked up too. At age 58 I have pretty much gotten over the illusion of "love" and realize that it is no more likely to happen than the knight in shining armor that all gay men dream about. I don't mind the idea of being old and alone as I function quite well on my own, at least as long as health holds out. Anyway, since all the "older" men I used to be interested in would now be younger than I am agewise, it is sort of silly to try the daddy thing with someone younger.

  I'm over it.....

• What is love?

• Baby don't hurt me,

• Don't hurt me no more

• r36, a christian should be able to tell you that "God is love", despite their being hateful people to begin with; that really tells one nothing though as "God" is undefined as well and not only that, how does one know "He" even exists? It therefore becomes a philosophical question. Other than that, years ago when David Frost had his TV show, one of his favorite questions was to have guests give their definition of love so I suppose it is also a very subjective thing???

  Anonymous

• R37, I have daddy issues too. I'm 34 and I know I will be in your shoes in the not so distant future. Oh well!

• As that Nazareth song goes, Love Hurts. Or at least, it CAN hurt. I was in love with a guy I dated a few years ago. Still sort of am, but not passionately like when it was fresh. It's also scary - at the beginning, we'd fight, but then he'd call me LITERALLY 20 times or more PER DAY. DAY AFTER DAY. Finally, the spell broke, but I'm not sure I'd want to go through that again, or put someone in that kind of mindset. Or myself. Gay people are fucked up, I've realized over time. As another person said, though, that's an artifact of society's hatred and bigotry towards gay people. As time passes and gay people give less a shit about society, I suppose they will become more normal. But as it is, yes, their relationships last two days, everyone seems to do drugs, everyone is a screaming queen with lip gloss, etc.

• R41, you need to start with the bro in the mirror.

• I'd like to find it. If I could find the right one and be happy, it'd be so great. I thought my last boyfriend was the one, until I found out he was sleeping with half the city....

  29%20and%20bitter

• Like attracts like 29 and bitter.

• [quote]He's not gorgeous, rich or hung, but he's sweet, kind and cute, and treats me very well. He's also very in love with me. I like my definition of love better.[/quote] I could say the same thing about mine, with whom I'm very happy (I think I'm R20, but suffice to say I wrote the very long post). In the final analysis, while all those other traits are fun, what really matters is what we are to each other. How we make each other feel emotionally. I'm dismayed at how many report there's no love for them in this life. I'm sad that it might indeed be true. But it doesn't have to be. It depends on what's important to you. But if things aren't working the way you'd like, seek the change internally rather than externally. Later, it'll show up, but only if you made the change inside yourself first.

• [quote]Later, it'll show up, but only if you made the change inside yourself first. Maybe not even then. But, if you're truly satisfied with your life, have good friends, and have realistic goals, then it shouldn't be a devastating issue.

• r45, That was/is my problem. I was handsome enough on the outside, but I was dead common on the inside. I needed to have conquest after con conquest to reassure myself that I was attractive. As a result I never committed to any of the men that loved or may have loved me. I'm old and alone now. I've accepted the fact that my single life is of my own making. I'm not bitter or even angry with myself. I did the best I was equipped to do. I was simply poorly equipped for lasting love. Hell, I'm not the only one who has come to this realization, many shout it out to me as I walk down the street. I've become quite the romantic for the young of today. I sincerely love to hear of men finding one another and marrying, adopting kids and doing all they can to live happily ever after.