I read this article about mismatched libidos between straight couples and there's a bunch of comments from readers revealing their horrible sex lives. In almost all cases, the men are being starved of sex from their female partners, but are not admitting to cheating. Many have to 'schedule' sex sessions. Blech. Some comments:
"Havent had sex in over three years. Two children, 6 and 10. They the most important things in my life and I want to be there while they grow up. Trapped is was the feeling. Now it is more a realisation that I have chosen to stay. For me and the children. Still sucks tho."
"We still find each other attractive but the desire for sex is not the same as it was when we first got together. We probably have sex 2-3 times a month, she finds that adequate, for me it is not enough."
When I was in a relationship (3 years), it was sex pretty much every day or every other day. Does this hold true for guys when you reach 5, 10 or 15 years? Or do I have a barren sex life to look forward to post 40? Guys seem to want regular sex well after their female partners turn off once they have kids.
I've been partnered for 6 years and we have sex 2-3 times a year.
Perhaps people should learn to have relationship without sex.
Why are some people so obsessed with it?
Eh, most men who say they aren't getting enough sex in the marriage are lousy lays, and won't help with the house or kids so the wives are exhausted at bedtime.
I know I know, lots of you don't want to hear the truth, you'd rather blame the wives.
Don't forget the horror of middle-aged spread! As a woman, I know that when I'm more than 10 pounds overweight, I feel so slothful and disgusting that my sex drive evaporates.
Sex in LTR's is boring. Doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. The bloom wears off, believe me.
Women don't lose their sex drive until they get married and then they lose 1/2. When the kids arrive, they lose the rest of it.
If R3 is right, why did they put up with a lousy lay and bad housekeeping before marriage? Makes a guy feel trapped to see sex disappear, and even worse, hunted down and trapped.
I won't leave her. It's 25 years and counting, and except for that, she is a beautiful person.
Not all women, of course, so no flames. If married straight guys posted here you would get a lot of agreement.
It would be nice to have sexy times once in a while, spanking it to porn can get boring.
Now in year 2 of (gay) marriage our sex life has plummeted. I am trying to figure out ways to bring it back. We used to have sex a LOT.
It's not realistic to return to that, but good lord... at the rate this is going, a year from now I'll be like 'Hey, is it almost time for my annual blowjob?"
I know a lot of gay couples 5 to 10 to 15 years in the relationship that still have lots of sex. (Or, at least they say they do.) Does this not happen at all with the straights?
Sex is highly overrated!
15 years in...last sex was 6 years ago...his choice...he has ALOT of issues in that department ( it was never the glue that held us together anyway)...I have no intention of ever leaving because he is great in every other way...but have supplemented my huge online porn collection with the occasional trolling of Craigslist for hookups..only married men since they are in the same position of only wanting sex; not any kind of life change
It's not acceptable to cheat, R11
After a certain amount of time a relationship isn't about hot romance or wanting to fuck anymore... it's about companionship. One way to keep alive that intimacy is to feel comfortable enjoying sexuality in front of each other, even if it's not literally "with" each other. Watching porn together, or not minding at all if your partner enjoys some porn with you in the room... feeling free to jerk off in front of each other, even if the other partner isn't joining in... There are ways. You don't have to fuck all the time.
21 years, weekly sex. Not always creative, but satisfying.
Went through a rough patch about 10 years ago--the sex became sparse. We didn't realize you have to keep active even if you don't really feel like it because if you don't, intimacy takes a dive. One partner cheated, the other would have, given the opportunity. We worked through it.
10 years later closer than ever. I sometimes miss hair-pulling sex, but I wouldn't trade him, lose him, or cheat on him for anything. Pretty sure he feels the same.
Also: separate bathrooms!
Interesting in how the woman is always blamed for a decrease in a sex drive in hetero relationships rather than an assumption the man is a horn dog.
I'm a gay man in my 40's. I love sex but my drive isn't near where it was when I was 21. I have a career, family and a whole lot more now. However my partner has the sex drive of a 17 year old.
Sex is fun, but I don't understand why it should be the be-all, end-all, pinnacle of every evening. I don't think the decrease has to do with exhaustion as much as finding satisfaction when you get older in other areas of life as well.
...and you wonder why so many men wearing wedding rings wait in steam rooms for head.
They're closeted, R17. Despite your fantasies.
11 years here. We have sex 3 times a year? Mostly due to him. He just isn't interested. :(
We both also work all the time, which doesn't help.
That said, and this is something a lot of people just can't understand - I wouldn't trade him or this for the world. I'm madly in love with him...he says the same about me.
We're both in our 40s and sex just isn't the point of everything anymore.
Side note: we've done the 3-some a few times. They were fine but in the end not worth the amount of time and effort involved.
Cheating in a gay male relationship is stupid. If you can't be honest with each other that you lust after other men and can't bring that energy back into your shared bed in whatever form, you shouldn't be together as a couple.
I jack off to watching my partner watch Cam4. Hottest thing ever.
Having kids does a number on your sex life. Plain truth.
Your focus changes and your fatigue increases. Your "number one" priority becomes the child/children, rather than your beloved. Even though you are still in love with that person and find them attractive. You are often just too mentally and physically exhausted.
r20, you're a republican, right?
so angry and judgmental.
Fine with us, R17. We get the money and the house. You get blow job duty. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh, and thanks for offering your services for free thereby allowing our family finances to remain intact. If our husbands cheated with women, they would run off and leave us and start having more kids with the new whore........which would drain the bank account.
Straight woman here. In a long marriage with no sex for the last six months. His libido has diminished over the last three years due to, what appeared to be, a bout of depression that he wouldn't seek help for. Now he just doesn't feel attractive due to his weight and won't even discuss the subject, says he will feel better when he loses weight.
Otherwise, our marriage has greatly improved in the last year but the fact that it looks like I'm never going to have sex again is pretty damn miserable. The love is still there, on both sides, and neither of us will ever cheat. What's the point in trying if you know that you are going to be rejected time and again?
Kids complicate the relationship for straights, and then about the time the kids are out of the house and the husband has visions of screwing his wife on the dining room table again, menopause hits.
Menopause is something no straight guy (or even most straight women) really understand or are prepared for. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood changes, physical changes, the list goes on and on.
Cheating is stupid in any relationship, R20, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be together. It means you have work do to.
LT gay relationship here. Sure it was good at the start, it has waned off, but what I don't understand is how it has become so awkward to try and get back in the groove. It used to be the look in the eyes, or the raising of the eyebrow that set it off, now sometimes it just ends up as "is something wrong with your eye?"
We are still mad in love, but oh boy, things sure have slowed down.
These women simply do not know how to treat their men. Men are the kings of the house. They should be cooked for, waited on, and fed delicious foods. It is of vital importance to stroke their egos whilst also satisfying their sexual appetites.
17 years together and sex at least 2 to 3 times a week, usually more. He has the sex drive of a 18 year old. me, I'm calmer. I peruse porno to get in the mood and definitely like a hit of pot before. It is possible to keep it going. When we're both in the mood, it can still be explosive. And we can still be honest about sex needs, and try new things (though there isn't much left to try after 17 years).
I went into this relationship thinking to myself that I wanted someone I was very attracted to, so that I'd enjoy always having sex with him, and for the most part, that came true.
I'm in the same boat as you, r1. Same amount of time & everything. Both of us have put on weight, but my husband is 350 lbs, and he has not been taking good care of his body at all. I just cannot find that attractive any more. He knows that this is the problem. He also doesn't keep himself as clean in those "important" areas. We've also had a discussion about that, but that was months ago. Sometimes you're just stuck with what you have.
[R23] it sounds like you are the whore. And probably voting against gay marriage as that would threaten your dream of alimony.
Why can't you just do it yourself?
It's different for everyone. I was in a 13 year relationship where I was the younger partner. Our sex drives didn't match in that his was lower than mine, which I totally get now that I'm older, but we still had sex about 3-4 times a week. I jacked off to supplement but did not cheat.
I have two friends who are a couple. One of the men is hardly at all interested in sex. He lets the other partner find it elsewhere. Dangerous to do, though, as the other partner has now fallen for someone else. We'll see how that goes.
I also know a lot of straight women who lose interest because of what another poster wrote. The men are lazy, don't help with the kids, expect the women to do everything, and the women are so tired they don't want to have sex anymore. Also, some of the straight guys are two pump chumps. Contrast that with some straight couple I know where the men take on an equal share of the work with the kids and their sex lives are better, although with kids it seems the frequency always drops no matter what.
I don't know how you can be "mad in love" with someone you're not having sex with. Sure, you can deeply love a long-term partner even if you're not intimate but use of the word "mad" connotes at least some level of physical passion. And while I know every one is different, at 54 I still want sex every day. I have to think some of you in long-term relationships who only have sex two or three times a year are staying together for financial or social reasons, not because of a genuine desire to be with the other person. I can think of four couples I know right off the bat who give plenty of lip service to their "devotion" to each other but barely tolerate each other's presence when together. What kind of a relationship is that?
I think to have sex on a regular basis you have to have a series of medium-term relationships.
[quote]I have to think some of you in long-term relationships who only have sex two or three times a year are staying together for financial or social reasons, not because of a genuine desire to be with the other person.
I can only speak for myself, but:
I still love him deeply, and believe I always will. We share life together. There is a lot of laughter and affection, day to day, in our relationship. We are always cuddling/spooning in bed. But it somehow doesn't translate into the urge to do actual sex acts. It used to. But now, maybe we are so merged in life that the "urge to merge" carnally is made redundant. I don't know. All I know is that the love is strong, we are deeply fond of each other, but... not much sex anymore.
R34, You were right about one thing: Everyone is different. Let's try not to judge.
Those saying they don't know how a relationship can survive without consistent hot monkey sex are very young and naive.
Forever love/lust is a fairytale, gaylings. It can not be sustained. Sorry to burst your bubble.
21 years together, gay male couple. We have not even been intimate in any way, shape, or form for over five years. This is mainly due to him becoming severely depressed and stressed over finances. I'm ten years younger than him but my libido has plummeted in recent years. I still jerk off a few times a week and once in a while hook up with a guy off Grindr.
"Also, some of the straight guys are two pump chumps."
Foreplay would be nicer. Cialis is NOT the old guy's friend.
R38 is right. The fortysomethings and other eldergays need to learn that that 'forever lust' just can't be reproduced in their gyms and saunas. Break out those sensible caftans, bitches, and eat your gruel.
I think kids fuck it up
41yrs...Once a week like clockwork. He still turns me on. So warm, so loving, so safe. Not as exciting as in the beginning but better in many ways.
Once I hit 50, I doubt I'll care how much sex I'm having. At that point in my life, I'll be more than happy with just companionship. Someone to talk to, travel with, and to be by my side as we grow older together. And at that age, I won't have to worry about them cheating or leaving me for someone else.
[quote] So warm, so loving, so safe
R45, and you would be wrong.
ALL long term relationships sound miserable. Schmucks.
Now I'll be waiting all day for an opportunity to use the phrase "two-pump chump."
I am a straight woman in a 17 year marriage with a hot blooded Hispanic man. Here's the deal... I am not interested in sex every day while he still is. So, we compromise. I give it up lots of time when I'm not interested to make him happy, and when I am interested, he fucks me without mercy for as long as I want it. Tah-dah!
We also have two kids... I will say that stress takes more of a toll on our sex life than the kids ever did.
Why are heterosexuals posting here? No one cares about your boring, ordinary, uninteresting lives.
r 51, the question was about long term relationships... who else is going to answer the question?
We're almost together ten years and still have sex at least twice a week, more on vacations.
Yes, we do schedule sex, but we love that. We know certain times are about sex first.
Having said that, sex, while still fantastic, is more like 45 minutes a round instead of 3 or 4 hours. But that's okay.
Having been in sexless LTRs before, I refused to accept that this time. Thankfully we're on the same page.
One word: kink.
Mild (or not). You'd be surprised how much the introduction of something new can reinvigorate the bedroom.
You can also try introducing others into the mix. Not my thing, but some friends claim this is great.
Bump (he he)
'sexless marriage' needs to be an oxymoron. why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free but also when you do buy the cow you should get all the milk you want. i just couldnt be in a sex deprived marriage. it's called a sexual appetite for a reason and like any appetite it requires regular feedings.
[quote]Interesting in how the woman is always blamed for a decrease in a sex drive in hetero relationships rather than an assumption the man is a horn dog.
Well, you ARE on Datalounge. Blaming women is the default setting here.
OP, it's different for every couple.
"I have to think some of you in long-term relationships who only have sex two or three times a year are staying together for financial or social reasons, not because of a genuine desire to be with the other person."
and let me read btwn the lines here: you are single, and have never been in a relationship longer than a few years, right?
"I have to think some of you in long-term relationships who only have sex two or three times a year are staying together for financial or social reasons, not because of a genuine desire to be with the other person."
I actually think this is true. And it is really true for straight couples.
I actually think there are a lot of people on this thread who have never been in a relationship for more than a year or so. And are equating sex with love.
I'm married, we've been together for 11 years. Our sex life has its peaks and valleys. Lately mostly valleys. But we are truly in love with each other. I know. So incomprehensible. Though in the end it isn't for anyone else to understand or sanction but the two of us.
I don't get this. My husband and I have been together for 17 years. We got together when we were young. We're in our 30s. We still have sex at least 3-4 times a week. When I talk with my friends, they can't believe it. Many still have kids sleeping in bed with them and rarely have sex. I'm pragmatic & realize my husband is attracted to other women & that's part of life. But why would I send him out into the world everyday sex-starved and resentful? Seriously, unless you have an illness or something, for god's sake
fish whine about sex. Men have sex. Topic is boring.
Typical frau @ R62, who thinks all you have to do to keep your man from straying is stay fit and put out on the regular. Honey, if you've been together for 17 years, trust me, you husband most likely has cheated.
Men cheat because they want variety and conquest. Having sex with the same person for years and years gets boring. If it were as simple as just scratching an itch or feeding an appetite, people wouldn't be compelled to cheat because those urges can be satisfied with porn. But men do cheat----a lot, and the primary reason they do is because they want something different and new.
R64 You're over generalizing. Men come in all different varieties and definitely do not all have the same sex drive or need for difference like you state.
Many men are content with their partner and many men do not cheat if only because they love the person they're with and don't want to hurt them. Human beings function on a higher level and aren't just a collection of bodily urges. We're able to think before we act and have self control.
Sex drive also changes depending on life situations. For example, due to health issues, aging, stress, job situation etc. For some people, putting up with a little boredom in their sex life is a small price to pay for having someone who's there for them through life's great trials and tribulations.
What r65 said -- the guys I worked with over the years were pretty tired after each day of office shit, so just wanted to get home at the end of the day.
The cheaters tended to be those who had other mental problems that they thought sex would cure.
I never saw a man who cheated do so for fun.
There are as many reasons for cheating as there are cheaters.
R62 here. As I said, I'm pretty realistic and pragmatic. I realize 17 years is a long time & of course I'm sure my husband would love to have sex with someone else. That's just human nature and I get it. I don't know if he's ever cheated. My point is, I don't get the women who refuse sex all the time. How can you expect to have a happy relationship? We've also never allowed our kids to sleep with us unless it was an extreme situation - sick or a nightmare. I know a lot of couples whee the kids are in their bed nightly and a lot where they don't even sleep in the same room.
I don't think there was a reason to attack me R64. I'm not a typical Frau. I'm realistic but happy.
A lot of straight men need to realize that women who work outside the home, have kids and do all the housework are often tired. Maybe if they'd get their fat asses out of the recliner and away from Sport Fishing and the Military Channel and actually help fold laundry, cook and vacuum they might get laid more.
[quote]My point is, I don't get the women who refuse sex all the time.
Patricia Heaton wrote a book about doing that, then went on talk shows celebrating her success.
It was odd...
Women get turned off by resentment. If she resents you, she is not fucking you. No resentment, good sex life.
If a woman has young kids and never wants sex, either she's tired all the time from working all day and taking care of kids every other waking moment, or she's pissed off because Daddy Dearest expects her to work all day and take care of kids every waking moment, then spread her legs whenever he's ready. There is such a thing as needing down time, instead of being treated like a sow with every family member constantly sucking at your teat.
Too many men act like they're just another child to be serviced. Then they wonder why their wife doesn't see them as a romantic partner instead of just another chore.
Sorry, but OP asked.
More straight females complain to me about their husbands' lack of interest in sex than vice versa. These are women in their 40s and 50s, the kids have left home and their libidos are going strong. But they tell me their husbands don't want sex nearly as much as they do.
R72 a lot of women like sex more when the kiddies are out of the nest. Their libido increases while, sadly, their husbands start developing prostate and performance issues. That's why quite a few older women divorce or have affairs.
I am amused by this frau at work. She's in her early 30's, married, 4 kids. Very involved in kids activities after work. Whenever anyone mentions sex, she exclaims, "Gosh, with everything going on in our lives, my hubby and I only have sex 7 or 8 times a year." I laugh in my head and always think, "Honey, YOU may be having sex only 7 or 8 times a year, but I guarantee that hot-ass husband of yours is having sex a lot more often than that." Her hubby is one hot slab of beef. If she thinks he's not getting it on the side, she's delusional. He "travels" a lot with his job (wink, wink).
How are we defining sex?
I think gay men looking from the outside onto a hetero marriage are often not seeing the full picture.
For example, MF sex lives are different than MM simply because women can fake it. And sometimes in these marriages the men have never been able to satisfy their wives.
The wives fake it so whatever the husband is doing that's not working, he continues to do. She puts up with it until she has kids but then their sex lives start dwindling because she's really not getting anything out of it . After all, there are between 10 to 15 percent of women that's never experienced an orgasm. And about 15 percent of women find sexual intercourse painful.
Heh heh, R2 is a Twitard!
77 replies and no mention of LBD? Amazing.
This "men from mars, women from venus" bullshit is just that. Yeah there are generalities, but, just look at US presidents to see the variety among men.
Obama for example, despite good looks and charisma, there is not a single credible rumor of affairs outside his marriage. There is, by all accounts, a very strong love relationship between him and Michelle.
On the other extreme, Bill Clinton who had a nonstop swirl of such rumors from the very start of his campaign.
Some men seem more wired and suited toward monogamy. Others, definitely want sex with a lot of partners and will pursue it no matter what. Many are somewhere in between.
This goes for gay men as well as straight. I know some gay men who can't imagine monogamy, ever, and I know other gay couple for whom monogamy is both assumed and easy to uphold.
[quote]This goes for gay men as well as straight. I know some gay men who can't imagine monogamy, ever, and I know other gay couple for whom monogamy is both assumed and easy to uphold.
This is absolutely true. Monogamy is both gratifying and effortless for me. I don't know if it's genes or upbringing or a combination of both, but I've always been this way -- as have my four straight brothers.
I also know more women who have cheated on their men than men who have cheated on their women. So while the generalities may have a basis in fact, I've learned not to ascribe the stereotypes to individuals.
[quote]I'm not a typical Frau. I'm realistic but happy.
I'm not like a regular frau, I'm a cool frau!
Monogamy was also effortless for me, too. It's not like I didn't look at other men, but I never felt some overriding desire to sleep with someone else. It takes time to forge the intimacy of a long-term relationship. I work better within the bounds of that intimacy. Sex with people I don't know was always just OK.
R80 and R82, I admire and thank you for saying it. Sometimes when I read the posts on threads like this I am left feeling there's no hope of every finding a decent guy.
Sex with my partner can be complex as he is +'ve, he over worries about infecting me and I worry that his orgasms are not very fulfilling. However, he makes me cum like I have never cum before. Five years together and very very much in love, and last weekend he made me cum like I have never cum before.
Another effortless monogamous here (11 years, since early 20s).
I resent the suggestion that infrequent sex in heterosexual relationships is the fault of the woman.
I'm female, currently in a heterosexual relationship, and I am the one with the higher sex drive. My partner feels up to sex about once a week at most, and just likes to cuddle the rest of the time. It's not that he doesn't love me or find me attractive, he just doesn't feel the need for sex as often.
Yes, it is frustrating.
For all those who need sex just a couple a times a week more than your partner, can't you masturbate in the shower?
Why does it always bother me when one half of a couple lets everyone know that "he would never cheat on me/I know he loves me/we will be together forever/just because we haven't had sex in years and years, I know he loves me and would never stray...ever."
You don't know that and you know that you know that you don't know that! Telling people how you feel is fine, but stop speaking for someone else.
Thank you, r88. Your words were music to my ears!
Any gay man that desires monogamy is either too unattractive to sleep around or is a sex negative puritan!
R88 You cannot have a relationship if you don't trust your partner. Why would I be involved with someone where I'm constantly second guessing what he thinks or believes and worrying about if or when he'll stray. That's a huge waste of time and energy.
The reason you're together in the first place is that you believe this person would not lie to you or won't deliberately hurt you. And if your partner tells you they would never cheat on you and love you etc you either choose to believe them or not. If you have doubts then your relationship has zero chance of working out because you'd always be looking for suspicious activities.
From your post I'm going to assume you've never had a successful relationship. When you do, you'll see that's the only way it can work is if you have absolute faith and belief in your partner.