Let's Pretend we're a direct-to-DVD movie.

I am Jenny McCarthy, star of the movie. Also the caterer.

• Sounds boring, OP.

• I'm Bai Ling, brought into the cast for international sales and currently on the roof.

• I'm Billy Zane, with 119 acting credits (11 films in 2012) and nothing worth watching going all the way back to a forgettable role in Twin Peaks (1991). If you see my name in the credits, run.

• I'm Corey Feldman, I'm the lead male role. I'm getting paid 50 bucks a day and 5% of the gross earnings for my role as a has been drugged up father. My wife and daughter are both played by Lindsay Lohan (2 bucks a day and 0.01% of gross earnings). We play a dysfunctional family trying to make it in showbiz.

• I'm the cover art. I look just enough like the poster of a Hollywood blockbuster for a frau at the supermarket to buy the DVD. Cut to her kids faces at home, watching Star Track.

• I'm the female lead's big boobs, which are prominently displayed on the DVD cover of this "erotic thriller"

• I'm Martin Lawrence. Remember me? Even Tyler Perry won't return my calls these days.

• I'm Jake Silbermann. I am the producer and in order to get this movie completed we will need your help. We take PayPal and all major credit cards, as you already know.

  Anonymous

• I am a cheap gay comedy, with cliche characters and a few obligatory, full-frontal, male nude scenes.

• I'm David DeCoteau. Now take your clothes off.

• I am the stock footage of a hilarious explosion.

• I'm Richard Grieco and although I am listed as the "Name Above The Credit" star of this film, I am actually only in it for about seven minutes.

  Because the Main actor is younger, prettier, and not a "name" yet.

• I'm the generic, muzak-like "rock" music playing in the background. There wasn't enough money in the budget to get the rights to a well-known song.

• I like you, R5.

• I'm Lindsay Lohan, the STAR.

• Star Track, hee, R5.

• I'm Shauna Sands. I keep the crew satisfied.

• I am Cincinatti. I stand in for New York, London, and Constantinople.

• I'm the stock footage of exotic locations or famous landmarks, because we couldn't afford to shoot this movie on location

• I'm TLA releasing. Care to rent the latest gay comedy shot at a coffee shop in WeHo?

• I'm the plot. I've been heavily altered from the writers original idea to be more economically viable.

• I'm the director's mother, regretting taking out that joint credit card.

• Oh Hello! it's me, Fabrice Fabrice, the craft services coordinator.

• This movie was brought to you by Here TV. If you don't get Here TV, call your cable or satellite provider and tell them you want Here TV.

• I'm the Syfy channel. I love these movies.