Helen Lawson's Off Their Rockers

That old bitch Betty White might be doing the nighttime version of this show, but I've got the hip daytime version! I'll be playing tricks on unsuspecting people! Uh...either playing tricks or turning them....

• Give it a rest, hun. A long rest.

• Huh? Who's Helen Lawson? And Betty White's doing some nighttime show? She's already barely functioning in Hot in Cleveland. Confused!

• [quote] Who's Helen Lawson? You've failed the Datalounge Proficiency Test. Please turn in your tiara and buttplug and sashay away.

• Where's my hairdresser? This old broad needs a touchup and a spritz of Helenesque!

  Call%20me%20Miss%20Lawson%21

• First up: Helen poses as a "Gillian Girl" and spritzes hairspray into the eyes of unkempt teenage girls in a skate park.

• Then: leather clad guest star Joey Heatherton plays a prank on mosh pit punkers!

• You can always tell when it's been on Primetime. The old people take over.

• Eldergay jokes: something even more tired than a Helen Lawson joke.

• The phrase Eldergay = Old man trying desperately to be clever.

• The only star of a Helen Lawson thread is HELEN FUCKING LAWSON!

• These miserable little turds somehow also manage to be assholes at the same time. Talk about a chicken-and-egg quandary. Luckily I'm a star, not a philosopher.

  Helen%20Lawson

• R11, I'm embarrassed for all of us, please let it go.

• Miss Lawson! Miss Lawson! May I have your autograph on this bottle of Helenesque??

• Coming up next: Helen takes Paris Hilton to the nail salon - except it's really the STD clinic!

• This segment has been brought to you by Helenesque - the combination cocktail and parfum. For when you need a drink - or a splash of stink!

• In the seldom-seen pilot episode, Helen Lawson is slapped royally by the Empress Carlota when Lawson refuses to curtsy.

  Henderson Lawson

• Next week: The stars twinkle in heaven! HELEN LAWSON. ANNE HATHAWAY. and LENA DUNHAM. Three of your favorites all in one episode!

• .

• R12 eats young people's excrement.

  Helen%20Lawson

• Helen and her production crew were kicked out of Sans Succi Retirement Villas when she called several residents "stupid old cunts" after they refused to film a scene with a clearly aroused pony.

• Next week Helen visits The Blue Store on 8th Avenue. A twink who's in on the joke lures a young muscle dude into an adjoining video booth, but it's Helen's ass the muscle dude ends up fucking through the glory hole, not that of the twink. Blue Store Cashier: Gedde Watanabe.

• What about the Helen/Johnny Knoxville scene?

• I only watched a little bit of Betty's show when it first came on. Actually it was pretty lame... There was a bit where she was telling the viewing audience how a glass of wine a day is good for you. Then the camera panned back and she and this other lady were holding giant glasses that must have had an entire bottle's contents in each one. It would have been better if the camera continued to pan out to reveal Helen sitting on a nearby sofa saying, "To each his own," before snorting a line of coke.

• I'd pay to watch Helen kick Betty's ass on live TV.

• Where's my wigs? I need my fall!

  HL

• I loved the episode where Miss Lawson told a group of people that she was the new spokesperson for Activia and after having them eat it for a new "commercial", she informed them it was actually horse semen. Hilarious!!

• There's going to be a special episode after the Super Bowl airs. Helen and the cheerleaders is all the TVGuide says.

• Next week's episode teases Helen brokering a reunion between Olivia & Joan.