Met someone, he's 23 and still lives at home
He's gainfully employed and is responsible He says he's saving money and likes he's Mom cooking (he's Italian)
* still live at home
Italian men do not move out until they marry.
The fact that is purposely choosing to live with them and still wants his mom to cook for him does suggest he is probably still fairly dependent on his parents. That would worry me personally, but then I value independence a lot. Still he is only 23 and as others have said that is more common in Italian cultures.
When his partner learns proper grammar, he can safely leave.
To still WHAT at home, OP?
Is English your second language?
With any luck he will stab you in the back
I'm living in (northern) Italy at he moment, and I know quite a few grown men who are still living at home with their parents well into their thirties. The phenomenon is so weird - these guys are actually often referred to as "ragazzi", or "kids", by their parents. Do I think it shows lack of independence? No, I think they're just cynical spongers, milking mamma and papà for all they're worth. Run, do not walk, from these people - there's no way you could possibly have an equal and meaningfully reciprocal relationship with them. Unless you're willing to slip into parent mode and replace the real parents.
An old friend is no longer speaking to me because I suggested that her 25 yr old daughter should obtain some marketable skills to support herself and that her living at home is not optimal for learning independence, life skills, becoming adult, learning to support oneself.
I guess the friend just wants the 25 yr old daughter to find someone to marry and to financially support her - as her parents are supporting her now.
It's a different time. There are a lot of legitimate reasons for adult children living at home longer. Most of them financial.
My mother and I live together for financial reasons. I was in a relationship for 8 years that ended, and moved around for a few years--but ended up back at home. I have my independence of course, and I help out my mother financially, and it helps me out. I never understood this American thinking that one must live on your own at great expense to prove your "independence." But then again, I get along pretty well with my mother, so I do not consider it a bad thing.
Yes, R9, but when the parents financially supports the 25 yr old so the 25 yr old never gets motivated to learn marketable skills that would adequately support herself, then its a problem.
Plus the parents treat the 25 yr old as if she is still 17.
It causes extended adolescence and a lack of adult life skills.
A lot of people I know are still at home. Some if them are almost 30. I try not to judge because its a tough time but the ones who are doing nothing to change their situation on a practical level get no love from me.
"An old friend is no longer speaking to me because I suggested that her 25 yr old daughter should obtain some marketable skills "
He's probably nagging his daughter nonstop at home, begging her to get a job or find a husband, and making threats to throw her out that she doesn't believe.
He's trying to save face by pretending it's okay with him, and is horrified and ashamed to realize that other people think she's a useless leech.
R12, you know a LOT of people living at home near age 30?
How do you happen to know a LOT who do this?
You must know mostly lower class people.
R13, you have that exactly right.
23-24 is definitely time to cut the apron strings.
yes, R11, but none of those details were in the original post, now were they?
As I said, there are a lot of legitimate reasons.
I worked with a Brooklyn Italian guy who was mid 30's who lived at home and whose mother made his lunch every day. He had two older sister who were married, so it wasn't an 'only child' thing. It's a cultural thing - his family was old school. He'd call home and speak Italian to his parents - they hadn't really learned English even though they'd been here at least 20 years. I'm 85% sure that he wasn't gay.
Another part of it was that he was immature - a typical weekend was hanging with friends, going to the beach in the summer like he was 20, not 40, and working out at the gym.
People live at home as adults for many reasons. Some just love and get along with their families. Others want to save money in this economy. True, some are just pathetic freeloaders.
I moved back in with my parents in my late 20's when I went to law school. My family didn't have a lot of money so tuition was entirely my responsibility (i.e., loans and scholarships). Knowing that this was expensive, my parents gave me room and board. Thankfully, they had an attached apartment so I had a degree of privacy. I did my own laundry and cleaning. Mom cooked dinner for me (I made my own breakfast and brown bag lunch). I moved out at 30 when I graduated.
I am forever grateful for their generosity. It was all they could give. It was one of the reasons I did well in school and got an excellent job -- I had fewer stresses than many of my classmates. They did the same for my brother when he went to graduate school.
My mom has sinced passed. I'm seriously considering moving back "home" to be with my dad (I'll still keep my house -- it's nicer). He's 87 and I am very close to him. He won't be around forever and I am a widower myself. I'd ask him to move in with me but my house is not "old people friendly" (lots of stairs and he has already had three joint replacements).
The economy alone has a lot of people living at home... or returning home... at all kinds of ages where you'd think it was unthinkable. Another sign of the times.
As to anybody under 30, so many of them were raised by praise junkies they probably can't function independently in any event.
I would happily move in with my mother if the house was big enough-provided I had two rooms and an en-suite. It would mean we could afford somewhere really nice, and she's getting older and needs help sometimes.
R9, R17 (same person) all the relevant details were posted at R8.
When you were questioned or disputed or disagreed with, you then decided to state that you didn't have facts - you seem to need to save face - when all the relevant facts one needs were given at R8.
Many people in their 20's live at home. Usually because they were raised in and still live in a ridiculously expensive area or are from a family oriented culture. It isn't that much more impressive to live in an overpriced studio or shared apartment in a cool neighborhood, certainly not if it's on your parents' dime.
I lived at home while going to school and working several part time jobs. Thefe was a bad economy in an affluent area. Many of my friends were in the same boat, aside from the ones whose parents paid for them to go to college in another area.
They are paying her not to do porn or strip.
Anyone who has given such obsessive, negative thought to my life is not anyone I'd speak to either.
Unless you're looking to move in, why would you care? Judgemental doesn't cut it.
I lived with my mother until the day she died of cancer.
Lost many friends and dates over it too. I'm thankful I learned not to trust few, and to befriend fewer.
I then watched those who ridiculed the way I live go broke and ask the government for a bailout, as if the bad economy were some type of excuse for doing what they consdiered a character flaw in others.
You are ignoring the need to impress golddiggers with a place for them to crash after you have sex with them, and that impressing people you don't even know or really care about trumps the need for long-term financial stability.
Nowadays, in this economy, no age is really too old. It's all about what you contribute.
Not a sexy answer, but it really depends on the situation. A lot of variables at play.
Anyone who thinks they need to examine the "variables" about my livi9ng situation need no longer concern herself (himself) with that.
Moved to NYC at 18 in 1977 to be a painter. No money, no connection, no clue. It was the smartest and best thing I could have done. Learned what it meant to be hungry, work shitty jobs and make terrible mistakes. In the end it all worked out okay. And no I never made it as a painter.
"It's a different time. There are a lot of legitimate reasons for adult children living at home longer. Most of them financial."
Oh no there aren't. Adults who still live with their parents and use the excuse "I can't afford to live on my own" are full of shit. It's just a lot easier to live with mom and dad than to make your own living. Laziness and arrested development; those are the reasons why you see so many twenty-somethings and even thirty-somethings who still live with their parents.
After 21 you're kind of a loser.
Just read Griffin is a Bay area record producer...maybe he and Jeremy are working on an album while they await the birth?
I have a friend who is 35 still living at home, she never stays out after 10pm. I think its weird to live with your parents at that age. These people stay immature and childish.
I don't think anyone really WANTS to live at home. If someone is living with their parents, they're probably there because 1) they don't have any money because there's no job for them or 2) trying to save money to buy a condo/house. It would be hard to date someone living at home if they didn't have an exit strategy in place. In a better economy,
After high school before college. No reason to be home after that.
When you apply for social security.
" what about the children!?!?
R19 .. I really like you and your story. You sound like a good son and a fine man.
Come to daddy.....purrrrrrrrrrrr
I think Americans are now being forced to do what many cultures have been doing for many years. I have a relative who married an Asian woman and her family had a compound. One large building for communal living, what we'd call a living room and a primitive kitchen, with smaller bungalows built around for the various kids and their families. Most of the cooking was done outdoors in a patio type area.
It seems to work for them and makes for a stronger family unit.
R25, it does adult children a disservice to not force them to acquire marketable skills so that they can support themselves in an adult life.
If an adult child is still living at home and not working on acquiring marketable skills to gain a trade, skill, profession, or job that will sustain them, it is wrong to encourage their laziness or lack of motivation or lack of direction.
The only reason I don't live with my parents is because I want to live in NYC and they live in the suburbs. But everytime I go back, I am tempted to stay. I love hanging at home with them, having family dinners, I get along with them much better than my roommates, and yes my mother babies me a bit. If I had parents who lived in the city of my choosing (NYC or wherever), I'd like to still be living with them, and I think they'd like it too.
I think that's a wonderful thing, to still have such a close bond with your family. I could admire that in someone
(BTW, this is my first post on DL! I haven't paid yet so I've never actually gotten in a freebie before!)
The fair-weather people in this thread are amazing. They must have nothing else to offer except "financial stability" so they judge others.
This is yet another thread that shows the true ugly that lies beneath those people we mistake for benign.
It's almost like someone should move back home just to shake out their phony friends.
I' 38 and moved back home two years ago after my father died. This is after being away for about 17 years. Unfortunately, my mother was so dependant on my father that she would be utterly lost by herself. When I explain that to people after they find out where I live, the consensus is that its fine. I have a job and a social life so I'm fine with it.
Having your own place all to yourself is going to become a thing of the past. It already is. The last generation to be stupid enough to take on mega-mortgages (now 30 somethings) are in debt to us way over their heads.
You want to stay 'Middle Class'? *snort* Then you're going to have to stay at home with your folks, and when they die you get your own property.
Enjoy! Because we're even coming for that next LOL.
R49, what you say may be true, time will undoubtedly tell.
R8- is the child the baby of the family? We need a whole thread on the last child in a family. So spoiled.
The guy has a job so that's good. But in America, it would concern me after he turns 25 years old in particular...unless he is fine. And I mean GOD DAMN fine with the best cock and ass evah!
I cant stand pussy...of any kind.
Not even a cat!
And a gay man- who has a job no less- living at home with perfectly healthy mama is the biggest most caverneous pussy of them all.
Who wants to bang that big nelly?
R45- Like the tattoo on my ass says, "welcome aboard. Please come again"
I agree with R20. My friend's kid is still at home and she calls him honey and baby. Makes his breakfast. Takes dinner requests. He is 28 and ALLEGEDLY straight. Although I have never seen him date anyone. Personally, i think his mommy has ruined him for anyone- male or female. He is an only child.....
I grew up in Bay Ridge, which is largely Italian. Living at home till marriage has been the custom forever, and has nothing to do with the current economy. It was always a big deal when someone broke that norm. I remember when I was kid being in a friend's house while there was a huge fight going on between the parents and the older son. The son was insisting he was getting a place with friends in "the city", and the parents wanted to know "how can you do this to us?" The mother was in hysterics crying and the father was red-faced angry. The son was 24 and just wanted to move in with a couple of buddies; that's all there was to it. The son relented, stayed home two more years until he got married, and bought a small house a few doors down.
I wasn't much different. I went to college at Georgetown, and when I graduated moved right back home, and commuted to my new job downtown. To be honest, while many view moving back home as a sign of immaturity, I (and others of my ilk) view it as a sign of being highly responsible. I wasn't wasting any money on rent, nor going out (very much, anyway) and blowing my money on all of NYC's high-ticket trappings. I saved a ton during those years and paid off all my student debt. Did this for five years. I'll admit that by 26 it was starting to feel wrong for the first time. So I got my own place then.
This living at home shit for an American is bullshit invented for loser straights. I don't see how any gay man could do this and fully pursue a gay life during some of the very best years of his life: his 20's!
As my mother told me, at 18 graduated or not, you're out the door.
It made a non homosexual man out of me.
[quote]He's gainfully employed and is responsible He says he's saving money and likes he's Mom cooking (he's Italian)
He's a mammone! It's a common cultural phenomenon in Italy. In fact, it's so common that sociologists have voiced concern over it. Even politicians have chimed in worrying about the current generation of "over-coddled" Italian men.
R58, and others, are just making excuses to put price tags on sex, whether or not they realize it.
Why the fuck should anyone care about how another chooses to live if they aren't directly involved? That's just pathetic.
Ted Kennedy lived with his mom for most of his life, btw.
I don't get what the big fuss is about. 23 is still college-aged, and who can afford to not live at home while attending school these days?
R8 I'm sure this was just the excuse they needed, I get a feeling they've probably been fucking sick of you for a long time. After all reading a few posts on here is all it took for me to reach that stage with you. Those poor people.
The rest is all pretty accurate, I mean you only have to consider people like Lindsay Lohan to observe this causal link between not living with your parents and the development of important life skills for adulthood.
They are all pussies..Italian or not. There is no need for a new word.
[quote]I then watched those who ridiculed the way I live go broke and ask the government for a bailout, as if the bad economy were some type of excuse for doing what they consdiered a character flaw in others.
Well aren't you a special little snowflake. And you wonder why you're still single.
I'm 50 and still live at home, I have a lot of issues obviously and no future because I've never lived as a functioning adult.
you still at home? how comfortable are your parents with moon shining?
R65- I rest my case.
It is different nowadays. Most college grads have huge loans and no futures. Everyone in this generation will pretty much lead a Norman Bates type life.
R68, you are being very exaggerative and overly dramatic, but definitely making a vast exaggeration.
[quote]you are being very exaggerative and overly dramatic, but definitely making a vast exaggeration.
Did I exaggerate how many forms of the word exxagerate you just used in your post r69?
Its no different except that these kids are PUSSIES. I had loans. Get a fucking job or 2 or 3.WORK your ass off bitches. What do you think immigrants did that came to America or those who went thru depression or survived a war? BUTCH IT UP, GURLS!
[quote] Get a fucking job or 2 or 3.
I think that may be the problem r71.
R72- NO! There are many jobs but they are jobs people dont want to do. Lazy and arrogant.
And mommy has mde them feel special. Humiliation is a key point of growing.
It's not so simple here anymore, and it's probably unfair to make a blanket judgement about all adults who live with family members.
It's normal for other cultures, and not just Italian (by the way, the Italian mama's boys are called "mamones," which are distinguished by this term as lazy, clueless, etc., from other people who live with family).
And if you feel you need seek advice as to whether or not to date a person because you're not sure whether his living situation will be an issue, then don't pursue it.
op....as always this comes down to looks. If he is hot then yes it is ok that he still lives with his parents. If he is not hot then why bother us?
At this point, I'd never get hired and at this point, my self-esteem is in the toilet and I don't have any confidence to get a job. I wish I could be like everyone else and be a stronger person. It's too late for me.
R77 - don't give up. The economy is fucked right now. I bet you have a lot to offer.
Christ on a stick, I'm Italian-American and I moved out at age 19. And never went back, nor will I ever.
Thank you R78 for the kind words.
R79, That particular cultural trope is more well-known in the country of Italy itself.
I am also Italian, moved out at 18, practically killed my parents doing so.
They moved a few years later and still have a bedroom set up in case any of us want to come back.
I get it, they loved us, never wanted it to end. But I had to go to college and just discovering my gayness.
They are both gone now. All I can tell you is that I still feel like I was really loved and no matter what I did or how life treated me, I always had a safe place to go.
I find it odd when I hear parents talk about not wanting their own offspring to ever return to the nest. If you raised a beautiful soul, then you should want to be around that till it ends.
"You want to stay 'Middle Class'? *snort* Then you're going to have to stay at home with your folks, and when they die you get your own property."
Your Corporate Overlords - Reverse Mortgage Division
I saw a show in Italy where they said the same thing about men living at home. It's the opposite of here. It's an insult to the parents to move out until you are married.
It's not an economic thing. They fallowed a guy that bought his own house for the day he gets married. He takes care of mother and dose stuff around the house the father is too old to do.
America is the only place that dose this move out at an exact age thing.
In most other countries and in this one up to about 100 years ago it was normal to stay on the farm until the parents died. Usually 3 generations. Families pooled their money, skills and labor.
No social security or safety net at all. Elderly were taken care of by the generation before them and so on.
Really, this is a modern concept that if you dont get kicked out of the nest at 18 or 21 somehow you will be a looser.
And from what I can tell, for about the last decade it has been on a reverse cycle.
My family is extremely well off financially and we have a very large home...so my parents couldn't care less if I move out while I pursue my goals. The pressure to move out is typically more common amongst the proletariate and petite bourgeoisie.
I have my own area of the house so privacy is not an issue.
R84/85 it's "does" and "loser"
Wow. A lot of "I used to walk to school and back in a blizzard, uphill both ways" going on in this thread.
I agree with the posters who say that it's a different world right now. It's very common (and there is much less of a social stigma now) for people to move back in with their parents post-college right now so I'd say they should be moving out by the time they're 26.
It is very difficult to get a job right now and yes, they can probably get a job flipping burgers instead of their college degree but that can barely afford to cover car, gas, phone, insurance, and loans for a lot of people so to add rent on top of that...
I would say mid-thirties would be too old to still live at home. Look at Bradley Cooper.
Aside from what's good for the adult child, how about what's good for the parents? I've known parents who started preparing their kids at a very early age to be self sufficient and out of the house when they graduated from high school. It was an understanding in the family. I thought that was cold. My kids know they're welcome if they would need a place to live for a while but I don't think it would ever work long term. My son, in his 20s, stayed with me for about 3 months when transitioning from one side of the country to the other. We have very different lifestyles and when he's home for even a short visit it doesn't take long before they start clashing. By the end of the 3 months we were both ready for a break.
Honestly, I don't know how adults from two different generations can live together compatibly for long. Plus, the parent-child dynamic is always there to a certain extent no matter how old the child gets.
93 is a good age to leave home
With all the corporate downsizings, foreclosures and the like, it is the only option for many people...
I'm 40 and moved out for good when I went to college.
Like most adults, the thought of living with my (now 66 year old) parents isn't exactly positive. I'd feel neutered and we'd definitely have conflict (though we have it anyway).
My sister, at age 38-40, sold her home and moved back in with them while she attended grad school. For the most part it worked - some tense moments and some fights, as there always is living with people, but, again it worked, and she saved a bunch of money. But, that was a very defined "positive" reason to live with our parents -- and she moved out shortly after she graduated, as she always planned to do.
It may be "pathetic" to some, but if I absolutely had to I would. If I lost my job and ate through most of my savings and really had nowhere to go. (Though I'd probably try to arrange something with a friend or my sister first). But, even though his would make sense financially, it would be the worst possible situation. Living at home as an older adult because of dire circumstances always seems to lead to the most conflict because the child moving home is often going to be insecure, angry, depressed, etc.
A perfectly legit reason for an adult to live at home is if the parent really needs to have someone living at the home.
"My family is extremely well off financially and we have a very large home...so my parents couldn't care less if I move out while I pursue my goals. The pressure to move out is typically more common amongst the proletariate and petite bourgeoisie."
What are your "goals?" To be a rock star? To be a fashion designer? To be an actor? Or maybe your "goals" are to live off your parents until they die and leave a vast fortune to sustain you for the rest of your life?
You sound like an incredible loser. Your parents are probably very sad that their offspring turned out to be a loser wastrel like you.
R88- flipping burgers is a fine job. And thats my point. "no jobs" means not one they want or feel they deserve...cause mommy has coddled them. Fucking get out there and get 3 jobs flipping burgers but do something. Thats why all the jobs go to mexicans, indians and asians. They have humility and arent stuck up little spoiled bitches whose mommies wipe their ass into their 40s.
If the 3 jobs were blowing hot guys, fucking hot guys and getting rimmed...suddenly these princesses would be able to work.
I would hire a burger flipper with another job over an out of work college grad in a heartbeat.
[quote]I have my independence of course, and I help out my mother financially, and it helps me out. I never understood this American thinking that one must live on your own at great expense to prove your "independence." But then again, I get along pretty well with my mother,
You sound like a great guy. There isn't anything wrong with living with your folks as far as I'm concerned, as long as you are contributing to the houshold and their well being. And assuming of course that you are not hiding from life- ignoring growth, relationship possibilities, etc....- and that mom and/or dad are reasonable loving people.
I'd voluntarily live with anyone's mom (provided she had the space and allowed me freedom) if she were nice and a great Italian cook to boot! I'd contribute to the household in any way I could.
R96, Having an adult son who has his mother (or mother figure) cook for him every day is very off putting because it impedes the adult son from ever learning how to grocery shop, handle and prepare food, and cook for himself.
Women do not exist just to cook for men. All men should learn how to handle and prepare food. Cooking should not be determined by gender roles.
Trying to perpetuate very old-fashioned gender roles where woman do all the cooking does not help society or individuals.
R97. Your post presupposes-
A) The poster NEVER cooks for himself and is unable to navigate through a supermarket.
B) He doesn't contribute in any other way to his mother's life (his mom may just be a great chef) so that the skills he DOES contribute well make for a mutually beneficial situation.
In a lot of relationships one person or the other is a better cook. That doesn't mean the other party is useless in the kitchen.
The most acclaimed movie right now is about a mid-30s son living at home so it's not such a stigmata anymore.
"The most acclaimed movie right now is about a mid-30s son living at home so it's not such a stigmata anymore."
What the hell movie is that? Why didn't you mention the name of it? Please tell me, because I would like to know.
It is not realistic for a lot of young people to live on their own in their early 20s anymore, you cant always make ends meet working two minimum wage jobs.
The only people I judge for living with their parents are the ones that are always crying broke. There is no reason for you to ever say you are strapped for cash if you are living with your parents. Pick up the tab every once and awhile. You also shouldnt flaunt the latest iwhatever or brag about the vacation you just went on. Moochers.
Couples with children that live with either set of parents are the biggest losers. Two adults with a child should be supporting their own household. And dont get me started on women and men who let their boyfriends/girlfriends move into their parents house. No excuse for these people.
If R99 is talking about Silver Linings Playbook,it is a terrible example. The son is living at home because he just got out of a mental institution.
Failure to Launch...
Can anyone really outline how society has benefitted overall by everyone moving away to be so "independent"?
I put "independent" in quotes because, though people now may be independent of their family of origin, they certainly are super dependent on any number of other things...sex, drugs, food, alcohol, random people they meet, losers they shack up with for differing lengths of time, etc.
Honestly, the definition of a society is an interdependent group of people living in a specific shared area. This idea of 'the lone cowboy' is ridiculous, counterproductive in the short- and long-term and, essentially, goes against everything in nature, both human and general.
R98, you certainly are playing dumb about gender roles.
You are either playing dumb or you do not understand historical gender roles.
Women were and still often are relegated to doing kitchen duties including almost all or all of the cooking by men who refuse to cook.
The only way society will break away from these gender roles is for husbands to do their equal share of the cooking and not to relegate cooking to the woman because the man considers it 'women's work'.
And yes, on rare occasions, the man enjoys cooking and takes over that chore fully, but it is pretty rare in the average family or twosome.
And adult male children who have their mother cook almost all their meals for them are in an arrested state of development and very childish.
R64 is mad that I won't cater to his kink, obviously.
Such a sad way to troll.
The biggest losers are those who judge others over irrelevant shit.
R99, yes, it certainly is a 'stigmata'.
No man should be living at home in his 30's unless he has some very dire circumstances.
I know that there are a lot of college grads and straight divorced people who end up moving back in with their parents, often bringing their own children with them. It seems like such a huge imposition and a rotten thing to do. Even for someone caught in the foreclosure mess, can't these people rent a cheap apartment and keep their own lives going?
I just don't understand it. Unless you're disabled or your parents need your help, I can't see why any responsible adult would do this.
Even before the economy took a dive, about 6 years ago, I noticed this stay at home trend.
I was waiting for a meeting to start and made a joke about about how old kids are now, before they leave the nest. The next thing I hear was the speaker talking about how her son was 25 and he benefited from her "extra years of parenting" LOL
Lauren Gram still lives with her parents on Parenthood.
Whether I am interviewing someone for a job or talking to them in a bar, I can spot the social underdevelopment of a stay at home child. They all need to get out! Coming back....hmmm maybe after you have at least seriously tried out in the real world......for 10 years or so.
Studies have shown that young people these days want to remain adolescent as long as possible. They don't want to grow up and put if off as long as they can, hence all these 20 and 30-somethings who still live at home with Momsy and Dadsy.
"Can anyone really outline how society has benefitted overall by everyone moving away to be so "independent"? "
With families like mine, it means fewer murders.
I'm perfecly serious. Deadly serious.
Well I just turned 24 and am still in my parents' basement.
I suffer from terrible depression a few years ago so it took me 6 years to graduate from college. I have always had a part time job, many of which were pretty impressive. I have worked as an assistant teacher, a paid intern at a non profit and as a field organizer on a couple of local campaigns. I have about 5-6 years of solid work experience.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to find full time work. I network well but I only have been able to hold down two part time jobs. One pays $10 an hour the other pays $12.50 an hour. I work my ass off at these two jobs and I am grateful for what I have. But there is ***no way*** I could afford to live in NYC.
It is what it is.
This question is strictly an American WASP one.
One older, non-WASP lady of another culture once asked me: why do white parents dislike their kids so much that they expect/want them gone from their life (except holidays) as soon as they turn 18?
Having never thought about it that way, I didn't know how to answer her.
Besides the poor guy with the murderous family circumstances, does anyone else have any opinion on what I stated above?
This country would be much better off if people stopped trying to be so damn "independent" all the time.
R115 = Looser!
55 going on 56!
Oh well, I'm living with the love of my life. So screw you,society!
Ditch him homey, he's gay. Oh wait scratch that...
R107 lives at home (a double wide trailer) and carves voodoo dolls on the failing porch to sell at the local swap meet, once a month.
At Datalounge 18 is too young to live at home.
That according to the posters at datalounge.
R8, she doesn't sound like much of a loss as a friend. However, if you have any friends with kids you want to keep as friends, you should know not to comment on how they raise their kids, even if they're bitching about them at the time.
Touchy subject for just about anyone.
My father was the only one of five kids to move out of the family home, until one sister got married when she was 56. Always thought it was weird.
My parents wanted me outta there as soon as possible, post-college. All on good terms, but they made it clear. I ended up being thankful for it.
They actually charged me rent - close to fair market - for my bedroom. Not for the first few months after college, but starting from when I landed my first job.
But they added this deal: "We own the house. You pay us rent. But, move out anytime and we'll give you back 50% of all the rent you've paid, as a starter fund for living on your own."
It worked out great: after almost a year, I'd paid enough rent that getting 50% of it back was my first/last/security for my own apartment.
I think more families should try my parents' approach. Assuming they do want their kids to leave, which I'm learning is a far from universal assumption. Some parents do not want to let go.
R126, couldn't you have been out in six months if they hadn't charged you rent? Parents profiting off of their children, especially when they just graduated, seems like a selfish way to teach a lesson in self-reliance. Usually, the parents hold on the the rent money and then give it all back. Unless they were hurting for money, they sound like jerks.
As long as you are employed and helping around the house and not mooching, it's shitty to charge you for a bedroom and then keep half the money when you leave. I mean, honestly, if you were in a position to afford it and they had next to nothing, would you think of charging them rent when they get older and need to stay with you?
Charging kids rent?! WTF? That's the most fucked up situation I've ever heard. They're family for Christ's sake, not tenants. R127 is right, parents profiting off their children is fucked up. If they wanted to get rid of their kids that badly, why even have them in the first place? It's like kids adopting puppies when they're young and cute but not wanting them anymore once they grow up.
And the whole point of living at home is to save money. If you have to pay rent then you might as well move out and pay rent somewhere else. Have a landlord profit instead of your own selfish parents.
If he is good-looking and gives good head, the 23 year old can move in with me.
I was with someone who lived with his mother. In his 50s. It obviously worked well for him, but it put a lot of pressure on me in our relationship as we always had to spend time together at my place. Ultimately, it felt like being with amarried man.
"Charging kids rent?! WTF? That's the most fucked up situation I've ever heard. They're family for Christ's sake, not tenants."
Goddamn, you are fucked up.
It's absolutely reasonable for parents to charge their kids rent after they get to an age where they should be out on their own. Usually what they charge is well below what they would have paid a landlord. It teaches them responsibility and how to manage money.
It's a POSITIVE action, not a negative one.
You sound like the kind of lazy loser who camps out in your parent's basement because you want a free ride as long as possible.
"Parents profiting off of their children, especially when they just graduated, seems like a selfish way to teach a lesson in self-reliance."
It isn't "profiting off their children", you idiot. It's teaching their children that if you LIVE somewhere you have to pay RENT. There's nothing "selfish" about it, you moron.
R126 here. Gotta disagree, strongly, with you R127 and R128. What my parents did with me was the antithesis of "fucked-up". If they hadn't charged me rent, I probably would have spent that money on non-essential stuff, the kind of thoughtless spending that any 23-year-old living rent free off their parents would do. They charged me $300 a month rent for my room, with $150 of it per month eventually coming back to me. The other $150, yeah they kept it, fair enough. They took out a freakin' second mortgage to pay for my college tuition; their work as parents in that department was done.
Again our deal seemed fair to me, it worked perfectly for all of us and I recommend it to other families.
One could argue, rather, that it is considerably more "fucked up" for a grown adult to live rent-free in her/his parents' house for years and years and years (in some cases a decade plus) without contributing $$.
I didn't want to comment in this thread at first because I live in a different culture where living with your family is a normal thing. But I see so many posters insulting each other just because they have different outlook on life.
I always thought when I was watching American movies that parents wanting their children out of the house, paying the rent when they turn 18 or seeing your family only on holidays to be exaggeration, but I guess that's really true. I personally find that strange. If you get along with your parents and don't come from abusive family, I see no reason for all this. Parents teach their children from the moment the children were born, so if by the time they are 18 they don't know that nothing is free and that they have to pay the rent, then it's a little late for that lesson.
It's important for a young person to experience independence but you can be independent and responsible and still be close to your family, even living with them if everyone is reasonable and mature. As much as independence is important, it is also important to learn to share life and responsibilities with others, to learn how to compromise. I think it's a good thing that your children know they can depend on you if they have problems and that your home is always their home. And when time comes when parents need someone to take care of them, they know they can count on their children.
R126, would you charge them rent if, at some point in their lives, they needed to move in with you? As long as you could afford it, I doubt you would.
And, did it really take you actually being charged rent by your parents to figure out that you have to pay rent to live somewhere in this world?
You did leave out the fact that they had paid for your college tuition, which is a big thing to leave out. But, still, if their goal was to get you out as soon as possible, you could have been out in half the time if they'd let you stay free. Yeah, if you started wasting your money on dumb shit, then they should have kicked your ass out but that doesn't seem to be the case.
R134, most Americans have no idea that a world even exists outside of this country or that things were ever different at any point in history than they are today. Ignorance everywhere.
I lived with my parents until I was 29, then I went to live with my sister and her husband until I was 42 and I don't care what anyone thinks about it because it's none of your damn business!
[quote]Parents teach their children from the moment the children were born, so if by the time they are 18 they don't know that nothing is free and that they have to pay the rent, then it's a little late for that lesson.
[quote]And, did it really take you actually being charged rent by your parents to figure out that you have to pay rent to live somewhere in this world?
Exactly. R126 seems to be slow or extremely stupid. Maybe that's why his parents needed to "show" instead of "tell." I learned that you have to pay rent when I was 7. I didn't need my parents to actually charge me rent to learn that. Also, I know murder is wrong. I don't need it to actually happen to me to know it's wrong.
My parents are 78 and 81 and they still live at home.
Are you charging them rent, R138? Teach them a lesson.
"I think it's a good thing that your children know they can depend on you if they have problems and that your home is always their home. And when time comes when parents need someone to take care of them, they know they can count on their children."
I recall some article I read in the NY Times about a set of parents who made their home a children's and then teenager's paradise, large, spacious and filled with all sorts of entertainment accoutrements. They did this in order to provide a wonderful environment for their kids to grow up in. The kids grew up (sort of), but would frequently come back to stay in the comfort of their parent's home, rent-free of course. But then the parents did the unthinkable; they wanted to SELL the house! It was too big and costly to maintain and they wanted something smaller. The children were appalled; they figured the house would always be there for them to live in if they chose, and would always be there for THEIR children to live in, if they chose. In short, they were spoiled, lazy brats with a pronounced sense of entitlement, instilled in them by their well-meaning, but ultimately dopey parents. So fuck that "your home is always their home" crap.
And it would be nice if parents could always count on their children to take care of them in their old age, but frequently it doesn't work out that way, for a lot of reasons.
You seem to be living in some kind of la-la land. Reality appears to have escaped you.
"I lived with my parents until I was 29, then I went to live with my sister and her husband until I was 42 and I don't care what anyone thinks about it because it's none of your damn business!'
What was wrong with you that made you hopelessly dependent on relatives to provide you with a place to live? Just curious.
Uh, "reality" is somewhat subjective and conditional. You're being ethnocentric, among other things.
Well R140 the world is not perfect, neither are all the parents or all children.
But I said I live in a different culture and believe me it really is different here than in US or even Western Europe. I live in SE Europe.
I'm not going to argue with you. Just wanted to share different perspective. Also, I read somewhere about this very difference between cultures and basically the author concluded that in western cultures people work (and save money, buy houses...) for themselves and in our culture they do this for the entire family, children and grandchildren. I know many, many examples near me of families where three generations live together. Some people move out of their parents' home when they get married, but in many cases the new spouse comes to live with the new family.
I'm not saying that's good, just different. I actually think that the young couple should be alone. It's better for everyone.
So maybe the best way is between those two extremes, be independent but close to your family.
Nothing wrong with parents charging children rent. I'm Puerto Rican and in my family if someone was an adult with a job and lived with their parents, he or she had to pay rent and a portion of the household expenses.
My family was working class, they couldn't afford to pay for a grown ass person's food/laundry/household essentials and other bills that get racked up in an apt. In my family the working person had to pay as they would if they had their own apartment.
I lived with my parents for one year after I graduated college. They didn't charge me, I GAVE them cash every week b/c they were paying for groceries and other essentials (I lived in a nice space using up their electricity and phone service-back in the day Ma Bell charged you for phone usage).
I don't understand lazy ass white people who think their parents are supposed to take care of them indefinitely. Once you finish college, your ass needs to find yourself an apartment even if it's sharing it with 5 other people. You shouldn't expect your parents to carry you along for years on end while you spend money on non essential bullshit (fashion, tech toys, etc).
BTW I do know how freaking hard it all is. I was paying rent while going to grad school and working two shitty jobs. My parents were old when they had me so they retired and left NYC once I moved into my own place. They were waiting for me to fly the coop so that they could retire to the islands. If I hadn't moved out they would have felt compelled to stay in an apt they wanted to leave b/c their baby girl needed a place.
Seriously, sometimes I wonder at the lack of empathy and disregard for others shown by these 'grown working adults' mooching off of mommy and daddy.
[quote]Once you finish college, your ass needs to find yourself an apartment even if it's sharing it with 5 other people.
Why should I have to slum it crammed up with 5 other people in a questionable part of town when I could live in my own house? My mom would be aghast if I had to slum it like that and she wouldn't hear of it.
"in our culture they do this for the entire family, children and grandchildren. I know many, many examples near me of families where three generations live together."
R134, may I ask who owns the houses where all these generations together? Is there a patriarch or matriarch who owns the house where everyone lives, and who gets to tell everyone what to do? Seriously, one of the big reasons people want their own homes is that they don't want to live under someone else's thumb.
I'm 55, still at home and my mom is very happy with it but my dad not so much but I'm happy :)
Hey R146 I guess the parents own the houses, and I don't think there is a rule who's the boss, usually the strongest personality. You hear about situations when the new daughter in law takes over the house, it's not always the mother or the father. Depends.
It's not a rule that people have to live like this. It's probably more common in rural areas. I didn't want to give the impression that's the best model of behavior, just that it's not unusual. In larger cities there are a lot of couples or singles living alone. But the older generations bought/built houses with an idea that their children will one day live there with their families so there are often two or three apartments in one house just for that purpose. So they are not necessarily together even if they all live in the same house.
"Why should I have to slum it crammed up with 5 other people in a questionable part of town when I could live in my own house?"
It's NOT "your house", hon. It's your PARENT'S house. You just flop there in order to avoid supporting yourself.
I've always lived at home with Mother. We both like it just fine.
Only pussy losers stay at home with no good reason beyond the fact that they have zero ambition and mommy makes them feel special. I cant stand pussy. But I would bang your little mangina till it wheezed with exhaustion just because your a spoiled pussy boy who needs your hole banged extra good. And btw all pussy is old/out dated past the age of 30.
My parents ENJOY having at least one person slum it at their house at a given time. In my early 20s, I did so for several months at a time...but they're huge partiers and even love the people who totally mooch (go figure).
And not all people living at home are subject to criticism. I can't fathom why anyone would think they are.