Update: From the OP who let his friend live with him during a separation
I posted here a month or so ago because I had recently let a good friend move in with me during a separation. He is an old friend, and I am also close friends with his wife. The situation pretty much sucks. I thought it was a "trial separation" and that he'd basically spend some time deciding what to do, try to patch things up, and so on.
Well, no. Without telling anyone, he served her last week. She is now calling me all the time crying, leaving messages. He has subsequently moved out (I didn't ask him to - he had plans to move out all along) into a hugely expensive new apartment and is dating tons of people. She does not know he's dating, I don't think. Meanwhile he's acting pretty cool and calm, and this weekend we and a bunch of college buddies are slated to go on an annual ski trip. She just left a message freaking out at me wanting to know who the other "women" are, if there are any, and if I can talk to him and try to get him to talk to her.
I do not know what the hell to do. I like both of them individually. This situation has become untenable and I feel caught in the middle. On the one hand, I sympathize with the wife -- blindsided. And my friend is acting totally nonchalant. He is also asking me opinions/talking about his new dating life, and I feel uncomfortable encouraging (?) it, as if I am betraying his soon to be ex. I also know BOTH sets of parents, and his wife's parents have emailed me asking how she is and how he is..
HOW DO I EXTRICATE MYSELF FROM THIS????
[quote]Stuck in the middle with YOU!
You're not STUCK, drama queen. Don't pick up the phone, don't see either of them and don't stir shit like you seem so eager to do.
And lastly, don't make this about you, as it also seems you're eager to do.
Bitch, WE TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!
How do newly separated people always date tons of people? And here I am single and having trouble getting one date.
Tell your friend that his soon-to-be-ex is constantly calling you.
Tell him that he needs to talk to her and that you are no longer to be put in the middle of his affairs (literally).
OP loves being part of this drama but wants to be the star while the couple is in supporting roles.
Extricate yourself now, before your pal goes broke living the high life in his hugely expensive apartment, and buying drinks for every bimbo in town.
If you have to choose between then, stay friends with the wife. She isn't going to be looking for another free place to live in a year.
Well it's a pretty intense drama. They can be fun until they go overboard. I'd write back to the folks and tell them they need to talk to their children themselves (nicely) and then do what R4 said. Oh and R6.
It sounds like the woman needs mental help. Tell her to get a grip, grow up and leave you alone. People can't use you if you don't allow them to.
R2 made me laugh.
It's her husband, R8. You don't expect a close relationship like that to fall apart so suddenly and completely. Even if there were signs. Of course she's a basket case.
That said, OP, she needs to understand you aren't her link to her husband.
Wow - that's awful. So your friend just doesn't want to be married anymore? He needs to talk with her - he at least owes her that.
This avoidance is making it worse. Question - how old were they when they got married?
I'm guessing they were young and it was "the next step". He may have felt forced into marriage because she wanted to - all of her friends were getting married, etc.
I thought you slept with him.
Think positive, maybe you will catch the food and die
r11 - yes. Married right out of college...not trying to be drama queen at all. just confused about loyalties etc.
More importantly, did you get the husband drunk while he was staying with you and sleep with him???
This thread is useless without pictures
R14 - Thanks OP. I knew it. Getting married right out of college is a huge mistake.
The marriage can't be saved then - he wants out and knows it was a mistake to get married that early.
I feel bad for his wife, but I don't know how much she forced the marriage. Men typically aren't running to the alter, so I'd have to think she may have pushed him into it.
He knows if he talks with her, she's going to try and manipulate him and get him to stay.
He's done - but he needs to man up and say so. Something tells me he already has many times, but she doesn't want to accept it and is acting like this is all a big surprise. When it really isn't.
Stand by your friend - ditch his soon to be ex-wife.
Graduation marriages aren't typically "forced" by one partner, R16, it's more common for people that age to just have unrealistic expecations. No manipulation or bullying, just the ridiculous belief that living the kinder-kuche-kirche lifestyle will make you happy. I just hope this guy figured it out before they had any kids.
They both sound frightfully immature, which supports my theory.
Change your number.
Yeah, is this the OP that was fucking with the husband? Or is that a different story?
i was not fucking the husband.
But you want to be in the middle, OP. Otherwise you would not entertain hysterical entreaties from the wife about the whereabouts and doings of her husband and the husband's attempts to validate his latest bit of fucking stuff.
If you want to be Switzerland in this, then every fucking time without fail that you are asked about the other party, every time you are asked an opinion that you might regret making, you have to repeat ad nauseum, "You know I wish the best for both of you, but I'm staying out of this."
I DO NOT want to be in the middle at all. But these are both close friends. I have said, many times, that I don't want to be in the middle.
His wife especially is begging me and pleading with me to reason with him. Even her parents have emailed me. What do I do? Hang up on her. The whole situation sucks.
Extricate yourself from the situation as swiftly as possible
OMG, OP. We were bored with you the first time around - and NOW we get a follow-up.
Never should have gotten involved, OP.
Punch and Delete both of them.
When all is said and done, when this is over neither of these people are going to want to have anything to do with you.
The wife won't forget you took the husband in and if you stay friends with her the husband is going to think you are talking about him behind his back.
You say you don't want to be in the middle of this, but you already are.
Dear God, tell the frau to grow up and face the fact that her husband is no longer in love with her and has moved on. She needs to know that there is no hope and they will be NOT be getting back together. Encourage her to cut her losses and move on too while she's still young enough to get another man.
Her parents sound freakish if they are contacting YOU instead of their own daughter to find out how she's doing. They are fishing for gossip with you because the daughter has cut them off. Tell them firmly to MYOB and stop bothering you.
I'm with the majority. You thrive on the drama and feel important and powerful being in the middle.
Do you not have business of your own to be in the midst of? A well adjusted person with a fulfilling career, relationship, social life and place in one's community wouldn't give this much energy to friends.
Express regret about the breakup, tell each of them you're happy to see them but can't play therapist or monkey in the middle, and move the fuck on.
Unless, of course, you don't have anything better to focus on. In which case I suggest a week's worth of DAYS OF OUR LIVES episodes to learn how much drama you can stir up for yourself and for them.
Is this a porno?
I do have other stuff to focus on. I was the one who gave my friend a timeline for moving out. I'm the one who lets his wife's calls ring to voicemail. I'm the one who has yet to return the parents' THREE (yes, three emails. The latest is that his wife has sent an email to our entire group of friends asking us to come over on Saturday to sort through his stuff and get "rid" of it and most of us are going to help her (I have yet to respond).
She has helped me out in the past, so I do feel badly -- she in fact helped me get my current job due to a colleague. I do feel I "owe" her. He is behaving like a newly minted single 21-year-old and she thinks he's going to see that she got rid of his stuff, means business, and comes running back. It's basically an all around shitshow.
OP, I don't think you're consciously trying to be in the drama but you are being too nice. You listend and tried to be a friend but this lady seems like a leach. Don't avoid the calls. Just tell her you do not want to be in the middle anymore and you'd appreciate it if she would respected that. End it there. Don't let her go on and on after you state your peace. She will try but don't let yourself get sucked in by her anymore.
WTF does this drama queen need a gang of people over to get rid of his stuff? She's a self involved attention whore who is trying to drag everyone around her into her problems. Don't go to the 'fire sale' OP. Let her do what every other adult does who has lived through divorce--put the husband on notice that he has until a certain date to get his stuff, then it will go in the trash. Simple. She doesn't need to throw a party to get rid of someone's old junk.
First let me say that I believe you have good motives and really care about these people. I think you're honestly trying to help.
But you need to get out of the middle. So tell all parties how much you care about them and want to stay in their lives, but can't be in the middle anymore. (Most people have some experience with getting caught in the middle of drama and should understand your feelings.)
Tell them you feel like you're in over your head and don't think you're actually helping. If you know of any good therapists, pass it on and then refuse to act like a therapist.
Don't "pick" either friend, but if anyone ignores you and tries to keep you in the middle, dump them. They aren't your friend. Being clueless cause your stuck in a bad situation is normal, but ignoring an earnest request from a (presumably) good friend to change the behavior is not okay.
Best of luck.
What kind of stuff is she giving away? Are there other mutual friends like you in the mix? Is she calling them too? I think you might not be the only one being dragged into their drama. Keep it simple OP cause you probably will lose both friends or at least the wife whom you did not side with and help with her schemes. Cut your losses and tell your friend to talk to his wife and get his shit out of his old house.
What kind of stuff is she getting rid of?
THAT should dictate your next response to her.