What clever sitcom lines make you LOL just thinking about them?
Both from Lisa Kudrow on different shows.
"Oh, now you have TWO!...oh...now you have two..."
"I LOVE Mary J. Bilge!"
Grace, asking Will's advise on four different dresses to wear: "This one's slitty, this one's slutty, this one's titty, this one's butty".
Oh my girls, Rhoda Fay, and Brenda Fay!
I don't get it, Ma. If you liked the name Fay so much, why didn't you just name one of us Fay?
I didn't like it THAT much!
Jack McFarland: You don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay? FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!
Jack McFarland: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me?
Grace Adler: My dog knew.
R3 One of my all-time favorites, too!
(After his grandfather mentions summoning the police)
"*Pfft!* The police? They're too busy out there winning the war on drugs!" -- Luke, MODERN FAMILY
My favorite running gag ever is how incredibly cynical ten year-old Luke is on MODERN FAMILY about the police. It's never been explained, but it always makes me laugh.
PHYLLIS: "Oh Leo, I'm so depressed... my daughter Bess wants to marry a boy whose parents are dwarfs."
LEO: "I hope she finds one!"
I remember something on "Maude" when I was a little kid about a group called the Fathers Against Gay Society.
Maude: "Oh, the F.A.G.S.?"
SUE ANN: "Mary, do you [italic]know[/italic] what happens when you leave Veal Prince Orloff in the over for too long?"
MARY: "N-no, Sue Ann, I don't..."
SUE ANN: "He DIES, Mary!"
Another from Will and Grace:
"Might as well be."
Jody: A lot of famous people were gay. Plato was gay.
Jessica; Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?
I don't "LOL" about anything, you insane crypto-illiteralist.
Jack Donaghy: "She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place on television."
Maeby: "We can go get ice cream, right Gangy?"
Lucille: "I don't *think* so. That chubby little wrist of yours is testing the tensile strength of this bracelet as it is."
Lucille: "Lindsay, dear, you want your belt to buckle...not your chair."
Home Security System Salesman: "Sir, surely you can't put a price on your family's safety!"
Homer: "I wouldn't have thought so either, yet here we are."
Jeez, R9, get it right. It isn't difficult to find.
Sue Ann Nivens: Mary, dear - do you have any idea what happens when you let Veal Prince Orloff sit in an oven too long?
Mary Richards: No, what?
Sue Ann Nivens: He dies.
[quote]Jack McFarland: You don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay? FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
[quote]Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!
[quote]Jack McFarland: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me? Grace Adler: My dog knew.
"What is she, headless?"
The Voice of the Night
Wow, r14. Remove the pole from your ass.
[R15] I think that was a different episode-- the one where Jack's mother doesn't know he's gay. The original quotes were from the pilot.
Blanche: Dorothy, perhaps you should find an organization that is less fanatical in its devotion.
Dorothy: Like what, Blanche...the PLO?
Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Ah, your first kiss was in the rain.
Blanche: No, it was in the shower.
Phoebe on "Friends", restraining Rachel and Monica, who were fighting and are now both kneeling on the floor: "If this was prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches!"
"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because Charlene's interference. Julia rants at Charlene via phone, who then asks Suzanne what she should do.
"I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell outta town!
Also, when Suzanne told "Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual" and when she told her lesbian friend "honey, if we can put a man on the moon we can put a man on you!"
R12 = elderly cunt.
You've got splinters in the windmills of your mind!
I saw it in a window and I just couldn't resist it.
-Carol Burnett Show
Phoebe pretending that she doesn't already know what Ross is telling her:
That is brand new information!!
Stale pastry is hollow succor, to a man bereft of ostrich.
Lucille Bluth unknowingly driving past her daughter Lindsey who is imprisoned in a cage (and dancing) on the side of the road after being arrested in a demonstration:
Lucille complaining about a Gay boat demonstration that is overshadowing her husband's retirement party on another boat:
"Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!"
Buster Bluth chasing a bird flying around the house:
"It walked on my pillow!"
This one from Karen:
Karen Walker: Hit the road, you syphilitic toad.
Lyle Finster: Karen, if there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's rhyming insults.
Lorraine Finster: Sow.
Karen Walker: Cow.
Lorraine Finster: Runt.
Lyle Finster: Stop it!
And this one:
Karen Walker: Hey, Wilma, I need your help.
Karen Walker: Remember Lorraine Finster? The dame who stole my husband and tried to bump me off. Well, I think I found her. Private Dick said he dug up an L. Finster and the Hotel Knickerbocker. C'mon, let's go down there and give her the what for.
Karen Walker: Enough with that. Remember Lorraine? The husband who stole my dame and tried to bump me off. Private Knickerbocker says she's at the Hotel Dick. Let's get her.
Karen Walker: Oh enough with that. Jackie, I need your help. Remember Lorraine? The dame who stole my bump and tried to husband me off. Well, the Finster Hotel is Private Dickerknockers. Wanna come?
Laughing As I Type!
"Beaverhausen, as in....where the beaver lives."
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?
[quote]"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because of Charlene's interference.
My favorite quote from that episode:
No-Lipped Jury Lady: I don't think jurors are supposed to threaten each another. I don't appreciate that.
Julia: Oh, [italic]really[/italic]? Well, I don't appreciate [italic]you[/italic] leavin' a big ol' box of your June Allyson bladder pads on my nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course [italic]you[/italic] don't care if you [italic]never[/italic] get outta here -- you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!
Grace: Karen, what's wrong? You've hardly touched your muffin.
Karen: Oh honey, since Stan and I split up, I've done nothing BUT touch my muffin.
Gran: "Just the one, dear?"
It's impossible to replicate out of context, and it's mostly noises and hand gestures...
But Joanna Lumley in The Last Shout cornering Saffy's potential mother-in-law (who Pats recognizes as a fellow Bond girl) in the loo is fucking hysterical...
"...and hello, Sabina - naked snake charmer!"
Granny (talking about Elly Mae): "Looky here! She done busted th' buttons offa' her shirt agin' !"
Jed: "Elly Mays proud...throws her shoulders back".
Granny: "It ain't her shoulders thet's bustin' them buttons"! -Beverly Hillbillies
"Blossom, you're so beautiful."
There's a sequence on Frasier where Roz loses it.
Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: FREAKS! Freaks on line one! Freaks on line two! Freaks everywhere!
Roz comes to a party, hugely pregnant and wearing a ghastly silver sequin gown.
Frasier: Roz, darling, you look divine!
Roz: No, I look LIKE Divine.
Julia: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
Marjorie: Why, yes I am.
Julia: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
Marjorie: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
Julia: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie - just so you will know - and your children will someday know - is the night the lights went out in Georgia!
Well, COUNTLESS ones from I Love Lucy.
But this one from Roseanne always stuck in my mind - Rosanne to another woman who just lost her fairly new husband: "It's a shame you weren't married longer, then maybe you wouldn't miss him as much."
Edie: Inside of me, darling, is a thin person just screaming to get out.
Edie's Mum: Just the one, dear.
"They’re trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don’t they know what that’ll do to the fall line?"
"Well, well, well... if it isn't Karen Walker. I thought I smelled gin and regret."
From "Third Rock from the Sun" (William Shatner played the Big Giant Head)
Sally Solomon: So how was your trip, sir?
The Big Giant Head: Horrifying, at first. I looked out the window and... I saw something on the side of the plane.
Dr. Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!
Dorothy: Thrice? Thrice, Rose?
Rose: Thrice is a word!
Dorothy: So is "inter-uterine"....it does not belong in a song!
(singing) Blackman, Blackman, where did you come from?
"Oh, thank God he's white!" - Mary Campbell in "Soap." After seeing her new baby for the first time and being afraid he might be silver since she wasn't sure she'd been impregnated by her husband, Bert, or his alien twin. The black nurse wasn't amused.
"Well, middle class was fun..."
From Roseanne after their power is shut off for non-payment.
"Taxi": [during a written driving test]
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Pssssttt... what does the yellow light mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down."
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: What... does... the... yellow... light... mean?
Bobby Wheeler: "Slow down"!
"Reverend Jim" Ignatowski: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee... yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?
Karen line from W&G when they're stranded in a cabin:
Grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight!!
BF and I use that as shorthand for any horrible thing we have to endure, like Hands on a Hardbody, but that's for the Bway thread.
[quote]"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because Charlene's interference. Julia rants at Charlene via phone, who then asks Suzanne what she should do.
[quote]"I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell outta town!
From the same episode:
Old crone on the jury: I don't think jurors are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
Julia: Oh, [italic]really[/italic]? Well, I don't appreciate [italic]you[/italic] leavin' a big ol' box of your June Allyson bladder pads on my nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course [italic]you[/italic] don't care if you NEVER get outta here—you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!
AL: Peg, we can't have sex tonight. The kids are home. So, if you wanna have sex, the kids will have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
Another. Al has a concussion after diving into the mall wishing well looking for spare change and slips and falls. His complaints are keeping Peg awake.
PEG: You know Al, this is just like you. You're such a big baby. It's just like last summer when you were changing the tire on your car and the car fell off the jack and pinned your legs under the car. Boy, a lot of sleep I got that night. "I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs." That's all I heard that night. Now shut up and go to sleep. And rub my tushey.
From Andy Richter Controls the Universe:
"And I killed the grief counselor. I killed her with my pain."
"It sounds like she gave you a very innocent thanks for a lovely evening kiss. Not a slappity slappity boogedy boogedy boogedy boom kiss."
Ethel! Look what happened to your washing machine!
Will & Grace:
Karen to Jack: Honey, you're simple, you're shallow and you are a common whore... That's why we are soulmates!!
Karen (to Lorraine): If your dress were any shorter, we could see your English muffin.
Lorrainte (to Karen): If your dress were cut any lower, we could see your Yankee Doodles.
[about Wally and Beaver] Dear, did you know they were planning on raising chinchillas?
Yes, they told me yesterday.
Why didn't you say something to me about it?
Because Beaver promised me the first coat free.
Years ago, on the show Mister Sunshine (about a grouchy blind fellow), his future mother-in-lw asked her daughter, "What about children" and the woman responded, "Mother, it's his EYES that don't work!"
The more I Googled quotes from shows the more it became apparent that Lucy really is the best sitcom writing. Though there are tons of them here's a few I really like:
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.
Fred Mertz: And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!
Ethel Mertz: Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!
Ethel Mertz: A divorce?
Ethel Mertz: I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, is this true?
Lucy Ricardo: No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.