How would Christianity have been different if DataLounge were the Bible?

For a start, the last supper would have been on prime-time.

Verse numbers would be replaced with penis sizes.
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There would be no Christianity and no Bible. Once the Bible was posted, someone would immediately have posted: "This never happened."
So much better before the Fall.
Prelapsarian
The Immaculate Conception would be called out as an EST.
There would be more than one Mary's.
Cheryl's pussy would STILL stink.
Water would be turned into wine for the eldergays. For the gaylings, water would be turned into thick salty jizz.
This bible is useless without pix.
Loaves and fishes would be replaced with bread pudding and turkey meatballs.
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sinners would be punished with the SHITBRA!
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The Passion in the Garden would be the name of a cruising spot.
Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing.
[quote]Instead of fishes and loaves, the masses would be served cak and a container of icing. Not just a container, but a WHOLE CAN!
Fish-fraus and loads would replace fishes and loaves.
The most popular parts would be the Gospel According to Matthew Bomer and the Gospel According to Luke Macfarlane. Nobody would like the Gospel According to John Travolta.
Hopefully DL posters would have the intelligence to see the ridiculousness of Sky Faerie Worship.
The Red Sea would have been parted by RuPaul saying "Sashay....away!"
You're a whore darling would replace Amen. It would feature the Gospel of Carol Channing and the corn, when did I eat corn? tale. The filthy whirlpool of WeHo's San Vicente Inn (does the place even exist anymore?) would be a holy shrine. Thank You For Being A Friend would be a popular hymn. Saint Doroty, Saint Sophia, Saint Blanche, ... and Saint Bette White Matt Damon's ass would be the holy cross. Kirker suffered for our pointless bitchery. David Ehrenstein would be the prophet everybody mocked. Fibromyalgia would be one of the plagues of Palm Springs. The Last Supper would be the Last Brunch. Jesus would be a 'gay for pay' stripper on a strip club tour. Judas would be a Log Cabin Republican. Marie Magdalene would be a Sean Cody model (Patrick, Jamie, or Brandon). Walk of Shame would replace the walk through the desert. The Crucifiction would be a LipSync for your Life battle. The Devil would be Cheryl. Prancing Ponies are the harbinger of the apocalypse. 'those free of sins shall be the first to punch and delete'.
Revelations would document the struggle between the righteous Madonna followers and the evil Jan-bot followers, showing their allegiance with a 'wardrobe malfunction'
Mary Magdalene would wear a shit-bra.
Jesus' quote, "May you eat of my flesh and drink of my blood," to a crowd of 12 other young, twinkish males would probably have a somewhat different meaning on DL, I reckon. As well as, "Suffer the children, CUM unto me."
Lisa Whelchel would serve Whataburgers at the Last Brunch.
Well, they already wore caftans, so the wardrobe would be the same. I guess the apostles would have to wear earrings.
Methusala, queen of the eldergays!
Umpy would be a wise man.
There would be a whole book of the bible dedicated to Golden Girls inconsistencies.
John the Baptist would be Juan, The Blatino Husbear
Somebody would bitch about that crying baby in the manger.
Noah's ark would be overrun with cats.
Adam and Eve would be Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw. Taylor Swift would be Lilith.
Three wise eldergays would bring gifts of poppers, meth, and an novel by Armistead Maupin
Anne Hathaway would be competing for Best Performance by a Leper in a Supporting Role.
I wonder what ever happened with Abraham's hot nephew and his bitch wife?
Jesus' brow would have been wiped by a frau.
Judith, Ruth, Deborah, Eve, Sarah and every Mary would have fibromyalgia.
Joseph's coat of many colors would be fiercely ridiculed.
Well, for one thing, absolutely nothing would be different at the Vatican.
Only New Yorkers get into heaven.
no, r18. The devil would be MHB. Great list.
Surprise flaccid penis pics during all the baptisms.
'Pointless bitchery' as a beatitude.
R28 would be burned at the stake and her ashes fed to pigs, just on principle. In fact, if it were possible....
The Beloved Disciple's Twelve-Load Weekend!
The Resurrection would have culminated with Sunday Brunch.
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want," loses its stature as the best-known bible verse to this gem, Ezekiel 23:20: "She lusted after her paramours, whose genitals are like those of donkeys, and whose emissions are like those of horses."
The Last Supper would instead be the last feeding of the Sows At The Trough.
The Last Supper would have been all-natural artisanal no-yeast peasant focaccia and a nice Olive-tinis.
Veronica's Veil would have proven to be the result of makeup.
Zacchaeus, the wee little publican who climbed the tree to see Jesus preach, would bear an uncanny resemblance to Leslie Jordan.
And dont EVEN get me going on Jesus washing his disciples feet!
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Mirror Ball Chandeliers in St. Peter's!!!!!
There would be endless threads about the Last Supper and who was bringing what, with reminders like, "Nothing with cilantro, please. It exacerbates Mary Magdalene's fibromyalgia."
Jesus would have never been crucified. When the throng of men tried to nail Jesus to the cross, Nan Mychganwomyn would have frightened them off by yelling, "Man on the land! Man on the land!"
Abraham's wife Sarah: the first frau!
MikvahFest!
Instead of Judas Iscariot and Pontius Pilate, there would be David Ehrenstein and Judy Pills Garland. Instead of Cain and Abel, it would be Kirker and Umpy.
The bread at the Last Brunch would be not event toast.
Jesus rising from the dead would become the greatest EST ever told
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[R49], Zacchaeus would be the neighborhood gargoyle.
The Dead Sea scrolls would hold all the secrets to the Golden Girls' inconsistencies.
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Adam & Eve would finally be Adam & Steve.
Satan would be a hissing eldergay.
Jonah would have swallowed the whale
"O Little Town of Sodom" would be a popular Xmas carol
One of the 10 Plagues of Egypt would be possums in bathroom cabinet drawers.
angels presenting their halos
Sodom & Gomorrah would consolidate to become the Holy City.
Circumcision would be an abomination.
Jesus would turn over the tables in the temple because he didn't like the cutlery.
Feuding tribes would align with either Duke's or Hellman's mayonnaise.
"not much"
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Judas was an insatiable bottom.
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Sara would turn into a pillar of scented candle.
Judas would be stereotyped as a greedy Jew.
oh wait
Instead of the sign of the cross, Christians would begin and end prayers by making a "dialing the phone with a pencil" gesture.
Ezekiel saw his heels way up in the middle of the air
http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DAfdMftXRpeM
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After the Fall of Man in the Garden of Eden, the gays would shrug, disrobe, and par-tay.
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at least once in every Perry Mason court scene you'd hear "post pics of your cock on the bible. do you swear to tell the truth, the hole truth and nothing butt the truth, so help you Mary?"
All of the apostles would be authenticated, except for Judas.
Fornication would get you a mere slap on your limp wrist.
The crosses that 90% of the people here are bearing would be put to actual use.
in parts of Appalachia trouser snake handlers can still be found in some churches
As a rascally prank, Jesus would spike the wine with HFCS.
Jesus would fall into a suicidal depression after realizing that even he could not heal fibromyalgia.
Feb.3 would be a High Holiday
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blessing_of_the_Throats
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I am a Christian and I do believe in the bible. Gay sex is in the bible. Unfortunately for people who want to change it or don't agree with it, the bible is an ancient text over 3,000 years old. I'm quite sure every single generation since then has been debating or questioning it. Having said that, I do believe people can be gay: born that way, a learned behavior or experimenting. It's one of those unexplainable things in life. The human body is amazing and everything works for a purpose. The vagina is self cleaning. Who can explain why the rectum needs to be cleaned before having that type of sex? Why gay people can't reproduce? We don't have the answers but this doesn't mean that gay people should be discriminated against. What someone does in the privacy of their own lives is none of my business and treat gay people just like I want to be treated.
The Holy Trinity would be Dorothy, Rose and Blanche.
Yes, r86, but instead of the priest putting candles around your throat, he'd put his cock in your mouth.
Roberts Oral University would be Ivy League
"Father, why do you forsake me?" Jesus looked up into the sky and wondered. "I have clearly stated my boundaries!" Came the reply
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Thread Watcher would be our excuse to trash each other's animal skin, wool and linen outfits.
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Meloni 4:69
Jesus wept as he typed.
THEATER GOSPEL #863 - "Davey does Goliath" Edition
from worst to best: Hell, Heaven, Pervatory
Moses would part the Margarine Fountain.
And Jani Layne died for our sins (one night stands.. "GET OUT!!!")
The Christ child would be born in mother's basement. The woman caught in adultery would be told "You GO gurl!" Readers would complain "This book is useless without icons." Bible covers would bear a droll blurb by Gore Vidal.
to convince Doubting Thomas, Jesus displayed his Verificata
One of the apostles would shriek, "Jesus, you in trouble, girl!" as he gets led away to his trial.
The Book of Genesis would be All About Eve.
Adam
Forty days in the wilderness would be spent in flyover country.
AnnE Hathaway would die on the cross for our sins.
R87, dear one, I appreciate your apparent intentions, but around here ain't no one is going to buy the notion that vaginas are self-cleaning, not with what we're having to choke on from our straight sisters visiting here and announcing their limited or qualified "tolerance" for gay rights, gay behavior, or gay sexuality. We smell them through our wireless connections, dear one.
r87 is right! And I'm the dame who can prove it!
Cheryl
Tammy Faye Bakker would be the face of CoeCoe Cosmetics
The Galloping Gourmet troll would have catered the Last Supper.
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Thou shall have Drinkie Poos on Fridays. Thou let Julianne Moore be always in the middle. Seriously. Why are me so stupid? replaces Father, why have you forsaken me? Judas' Kiss would be a punch and delete motion. Pictures and youtube clips would be embedded. The famous last supper painting would be a depiction of a Once Around The Garden procession. Webmaster is God! People would be executed by getting thrown into a grease fire. Lord, give me strength to dial the telephone with a pencil. Sodom and Gomorrah would have been Log Cabin Republicans' headquarters. Bible: The Musical by Stephen Sondheim. Providence, New Hampshire would be Bethlehem.
Let's pretend we're in the Book of Revelations!
"And Sarah the Hausfrau laughed" "I don't see anything wrong with Lot offering his daughters to be raped by his neighbors who wanted the Angels instead; everyone knows the Angels were just too hot to be given to those troll Sodomites" "Foreskin's collapse is complete!"
The loaves would be stored in the fridge and no one would care about the fishes.
On good friday, Jesus would be going 'once around the garden' of Gethsemane.
Ciaran
Let's watch the Christians be thrown to the lions! You know Mama's mussy gets wetter than the rain forest when she sees cagemeat!
Any and all of Joshua's wars would be justified with the phrase, "For they were tacky and we hated them." The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters. Any gossip from Paul would be dismissed as a blatant rip-off made by an Olmec head without attribution.
[quote] The Babylonians would be forgiven for they possessed sizemeat and cum gutters. However, there would be passages dedicated to verificata of sizemeat
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I'm taking a wild guess that MARY would not be a virgin.
The Pope would make you kiss his doll
After the Book of Ruth, the book of Jill would follow. Stories would include Jill learning about periods and Sissy's pizza bread!
Judas was gay for pay (thirty pieces of silver) when he kissed Jesus.
The Webmistress will rise again on the third date. [RIP, Datalounge, 01/19/2013]
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And on the seventh day, DL crashed...?
Helen Lawson would be turned into a pillar of salt.
Confession would be held at a Glory Hole in the local Adult Bookstore.
The REAL housewives of Gomorrah Watch what happens
Andy
Bless me, Liza, for I have sinned. It has been six white parties since my last confession. I coveted Matt Bomer's ass. I took Barbra's name in vain. I did not honor my Daddy. I bore false witness against my fuck buddy. I stole Justin Timberlake's hairstyle. I killed Anne Hathaway's career. What is my penance?