How would Christianity have been different if Joan Crawford were Jesus?
I know that this was originally done as a thread with Liza as Jesus, but I just couldn't help myself.
Not sending personal thank-you notes would be a mortal sin.
Barbara Bennett from "Red Book"
There would be no wire hangers, EVER!!!!!!
It would be easy to tell if the horizontal beam were level.
She would know YOU'D know where to find the water to turn into wine and the disciples!
Dammit, Golgotha is MY place!
Might as well have "Property of the Roman Empire" tattooed on my backside!
The nails used to crucify her would be acrylic, not wire.
The stigmata would be dripping Jungle Red!
TINAAAA! Bring me the ax! I will get myself off this goddamn crucifix.
Upon her 4am resurrection she would remove facial mask, dunk her head in a bowl of ice and review her script for "Ice Follies Of 1939".
She would have turned water into Pepsi.
That stone wouldn't have waited three days for JC to roll it aside and clean under it.
She coulda walked all over Christina racing to the shallow end.
There'd be no Pepsi served at the Last Supper.
LAZARUS! Roll aside that BITCH of a boulder!
Ash Wednesday would known as Eyebrows Wednesday
I treat you to a LOVELY Last Supper, and all I get is smart-aleck BACKTALK!
Communion would involve a drag of a cigarette and a sip of gin.
There would be a safe in the Vatican filled with every document concerning Christina Crawford.
The president would swear in on John Waters' copy of "My Way Of Life".
She would be ressurected! This wouldn't be HER fucking first time at the rodeo!
"You are the light of the world. Now tear down that bitch of a bushel and let your light so shine before men!"
Every prayer would be acknowledged with a personally autographed photo.
"Blessed are the GODDAMN peacemakers!!"
Christina would be Judas.
The first Sorrowful Mystery of the Rosary would still be The Agony in the Garden.
"I'm not mad at you, Helga, I'm mad at your SINS!"
The fourth commandment would have to be changed to "Honor thy mother and thy many uncles."
Baptisms would be performed by dunking one's head face-first into a bathroom sink full of iced rubbing alcohol.
In church services and prayers, believers would be referred to and and addressed as "fans".
Well, you know, with her ability to heal the sick and all, she couldn't have played a wheelchair-bound Blanche very convincingly.
"Thus she cast Bette Davis out of Warner's..."
[quote] Communion would involve a drag of a cigarette and a sip of gin.
WRONG, she didn't drink gin. 100% Smirnoff and Pepsi.
If you can't do something right, don't do it at all!
Her initials are already J.C.!
I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford, the daughter of G*d. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.
I think the most important thing a disciple can have - next to talent, of course - is their hairdresser.
Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite to a party, there were only twelve.
Mary Magdelene would rub myrrh into the crook of her elbow to attract men.
You woulh have been burned in the Middle Ages if you prayed to a crucifix that showed her aged beyond her Mildred Pierce days.
Marilyn would be the name of the beloved disciple.
"You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I wasn't on this cross!"
"But ya ahh, Jesus, ya ahh!"
R31, a blasphemer told me she took to drinking gin by the glassful while filming "Trog".
Before she broke into the spiritual big-time, she was led into the desert and taunted by a red-haired, gravel-voiced Satan who forced her to practice the same Charleston routine again and again, threatening, "Get it right or you're outta the show!"
To Pilate: "There isn't a dirty cover-up in this entire Empire that I don't know about and you hand is in everyone of them, YOU REEK OF IT!"
To John the Baptist: "Hauling me over to Caesar's table like some picked-up floozie! Or one of those prophets. Out to give the big shots a nice night in town. Is that what you think of me?"
"You expect me to ignore my disciples, they're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really MADE ME!"
"Heavenly Father, you are a lousy substitute for someone who really cares."
"You know, a few minutes ago a centurian asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the soft drink King and the Queen of the Jews. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match."
JC: "I'm glad you think that, Herod, because messiahs beat kings!
Herod: "Not in Jerusalem, dear."
I am NOT one of your APOOOOOOOOSTLES!
"Suffer the little children to come unto me. I'll teach those tiny bastards what suffering IS!"
No Christina, you were JUDAS!
Instead of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John the Gospels would be told by Douglas, Franchot, Phillip and Al.
To the money-changers in the temple: "Is this an institution of worship or a TEENAGE BROTHEL??"
She could use her knee pads stored at the studio for prayer instead.
"My mother, a carpenter!"
Carol Burnett would've played Jesus instead of Jason Sudeikis.
[quote]Before she broke into the spiritual big-time, she was led into the desert and taunted by a red-haired, gravel-voiced Satan who forced her to practice the same Charleston routine again and again, threatening, "Get it right or you're outta the show!"
This later prompted Judas to exclaim, just before hanging himself, "And people say I'M an asshole?"
The Sermon on the Mount would include the exhortation, "Be ye perfect as my floors, countertops, and closets are perfect."
R49. We shoudda guessed, after all, she never spoke about her people - chosen or otherwise.
The Baby Joan would've scrubbed down the stable with Bon Ami before receiving the Three Wise Men.
Fuck, I love this thread.
Nobody would have been permitted to leave the Last Supper until they had finished EVERY BITE.
[quote]Instead of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John the Gospels would be told by Douglas, Franchot, Phillip and Al.
No, Phillip would be known as "the Virgin Terry."
There'd be slew of Mexican gardeners named Joan.
The very devout would make Christmas pilgrimages to San Antonio.
Le Sueur Peas would sponsor the 700 Club.
I hereby condemn Christopher and Christina to eternitu in hell "for reasons which are well known to them."
"... I make no provisions in the next life for Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, or atheists, for reasons which are well known to them."
She would turn water into 100-proof Smirnoff.
SUDDEN FEAR would be my favorite parable.
"Who do you think you're talking to??????!!!!!!"
(to one of the faithful who took her name in vain)
Saying the name "Bette Davis" in church would be cause for excommunication.
The Pope's vestments would include shoulder pads, ankle-strap shoes and a wide-brimmed hat with a veil.
Faye Dunaway would star in "The Greatest Story Ever Told."
Joan tries to help St. Peter walk on water ...
Joan: Well, that's good, but you've got to push off more with your weight. Let's see that again!
St. Peter: But I'm afraid I'll drown!
Nuns would take a vow of promiscuity.
[quote]To the money-changers in the temple: "Is this an institution of worship or a TEENAGE BROTHEL??"
I thought it was "Get out ... get out before I KILL you."
I took burnt offerings and I was glad to get them.
Bette Davis would have a burning bush.
Joan to Pontius Pilate: Will you walk me to the cross?
Joan: Jewish royalty ... [Saunters up Golgotha in her Adrian-designed mink-trimmed crucifixion suit]
She'd wear a crown of Pepsi bottlecaps and pop-tops.
THE DA VINCI CODE would cause worldwide controversy with its assertion that Joan was sleeping with Carol Ann.
Instead of of the Sermon on the Mount, we'd have Joan mounting some producer named Herman.
The ascension would refer to her eyebrows.
After being informed by the Lord that He must die for the sins of humanity, instead of accepting His fate, Jesus would prune off all the buds in Gethsamane.
PETER! BRING ME THE AXE!
Before the cock crowed, L.B. would deny her a contract renewal three times.
The apocalypse in the Book of Revelations would be the making of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
On her last supper:
Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twelve men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twelve men I'd want to invite to a party.
[italic]Simon Peter and another disciple were following Jesus. Because this disciple was known to the high priest, he went with Jesus into the high priest’s courtyard, but Peter had to wait outside at the door. The other disciple, who was known to the high priest, came back, spoke to the girl on duty there and brought Peter in. “You are not one of his disciples, are you?” the girl at the door asked Peter. He replied, “I am not.” ... As Simon Peter stood warming himself, he was asked, “You are not one of his disciples, are you?” He denied it, saying, “I am not.” One of the high priest’s servants, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, challenged him, “Didn’t I see you with him in the olive grove?” Again Peter denied it, and at that moment a rooster spoke to him and said:
"Simon Peter, I think I'm really seeing you for the first time in my life and you're cheap and horrible."[/italic]
Instead of incense, thuribles used in the Catholic Church would contain smouldering Lucky Strikes.
Don't fuck with me, fellas. This ain't my first time at the Olive Garden!
The Gospel by Christina would have no chance of being included into the New Testament.
Before each church service, parishoners would be given a once-over to make sure they were "camera-ready."
[quote]we'd have Joan mounting some producer named Herman.
No, Sherman - the Sherman on the mount.
It would have imploded after the release of Whatever Happened to Baby Jesus?
The Ten Commandments
1) Thou shalt use padded hangers.
2) Thou shalt do something properly if it is to be done at all.
3) Thou shalt not leave the house without full makeup.
4)\tThou shalt not drink Coca Cola.
5)\tThou shalt not keep thy eyebrows natural.
6)\tThou shalt not covet the career of younger starlets.
7)\tThou shalt monogram.
8)\tThou shalt not overcook thy meat.
9)\tThou shalt not worship Bette Davis.
10)\tThou shalt not carve idol of thy God post 1948.
JUDAS ISCARIOT: You think just because you performed a few miracles you can get a new donkey and some expensive new shrouds and turn yourself into the Messiah. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump whose mother gave birth in a manger and whose father took in broken chariots. With this thirty pieces of silver I can get away from every rotten stinking thing that makes me think of this place or you!
The opening hymn of every Mass would be "Two-Faced Woman", led by the priest in blue gown, fur stole, and blackface.
And at the end of the Mass, the priest would dismiss the congregation by ripping off his wig to reveal the bright orange hair beneath.
Worshippers of Bette Davis would receive the Inquisition.
She would raise Irving Thalberg from his grave, alive once more, then cause him to die again after a quick, tear-filled reunion with Norma Shearer just to spite the bitch.
The three wise men would be hung truckers.
I would be Mommie Dearest.
33 would have been a good age for her to die. She looked good!
The holy land would be Brentwood, not Jerusalem.
The disciples wouldn't be walking through town barefoot or in sandals..........Joan can handle the socks!
When the poor came to Christ begging for alms, the response would be: "Not a cent! Good luck, darling."
Rules of attire for attending temple would be incredibly strict, and head coverings would be mandatory.
JC would rather you go bald to church...than looking like a TRAMP!
Armageddon would be a gun-slinging showdown between a denim-clad Joan and Mercedes McCambridge as the devil ...
Satan: I'm going to kill you.
Joan: I know ... If I don't kill you first.
Jesus would take a pause during the Sermon on the Mount to grab a drink and say to Peter, "The cue cards are too low! Tell them to bring them higher!"
Mary Magdalene would have her past white washed by studio flacks and be sent to MGM's finishing school. In addition s new name would be selected for her in a write in fan magazine contest.
Why, it wouldn't have been different at all.
What would alter things by exchanging one hysterical, dissembling control-freakish, demanding, "generous" monster with a fabulous wardrobe of out-of-style outfits and a passion for grand entrances for another?
[quote] What would alter things by exchanging one hysterical, dissembling control-freakish, demanding, "generous" monster with a fabulous wardrobe of out-of-style outfits and a passion for grand entrances for another?
Ooh, this bitch WON.
"Down there I sell whiskey and cards. All you can buy up these stairs is the salvation of your immortal soul. Now which do you want?"
-- Vienna in JOHNNY GUITAR
Thousands of young Broadway hopefuls would hone their craft in road company productions of JOANSPELL and JOAN CRAWFORD SUPERSTAR.
The Beatitudes would be radically different (the meek would definitely not inherit the earth), and would end with the line "Nobody ever said life was fair, I'm bigger and stronger than you, and I will always beat you".
"Bette Davis" would be one of the names of Satan.
R104 is one of the most depressing facts about Joan. Her friggin' name she used until she died was CHOSEN BY SOME RANDOM FAN GIRL! Her original name sounded far more glamourous.
r111 = Lucille Ball.
In her pre-divinity days in Galilee, the Lord Joan was once heard to shout in exasperation, "I'm running a woodworking shop ... not a charm school!"
When she taught us to say Hail Mary....she wanted us to MEAN IT.
"DOOON'T FUCK WITH ME, PHARISEES!!"
Instead of at a seder, the last supper would have occurred at a roadside pie shop called Mildred's.
Liturgical vestments would include ankle strap shoes, shoulder pads and bottles of Pepsi with a straw and napkin.
"My Way Of Life" would have been the basis of JC's Sermon on the Mount.
Mixed fibres would be an abomination but homosexuality would be fine.
There would be no submersion in water for baptism, but instead the believers would enter Joan's multi-spray shower for total redemption and washing away of sins...
..."but do YOU call this soul clean? DO YOU???"
Give a man a meatloaf he eats for a day. Give him the most fabulous recipe for one and he eats for a lifetime.
St. Peter's Basilica would have had interior decoration by Billy Haines.
Instead of Pilate offering the crowd the choice between releasing Jesus or Barabbas, Mayer would appear before the fans and offer them the choice of dropping the contract of either Crawford or Shearer.
Mary Magdalene would know where to find the apostles AND the booze!
The instruction "Turn the other cheek" would only apply to Lucy Marlow.
[quote But my loaves and fishes have all this red juice in them when I push on it....]
Christina, loaves and fish lose their vitamins when they're overcooked. And you are not getting up from this table until you finish all ten thousand of these loaves and fish, young lady.
Yes, I said 40 days and 40 nights! No, it can't only be 30 days!
Why must EVERYTHING be a CONTEST???
"Pull down that BITCH of a wailing wall and put a wall where it ought to be!"
Instead of wafers, communion would be conferred only on those who got on their knees to SCRUB, TINA, SCRUB!
Wars would be fought between Catholics and Protestants over their irreconcilable theological dispute about whether her greatest period was the MGM or the Warner Brothers years.
She would have adopted 13 apostles.
My mother, a common surrogate for the Holy Spirit!
Aren't the communion wafers enough? Do you have to degrade us, Mother?
That bishop "gentle tap on the cheek" during Catholic confirmation would have been a full out SLAP!!! that left a bruise.
The Temple in Jerusalem would've been decorated in high Hollywood Regency by William Haines.
Heads up! Millie and Veda are back on TCM tomorrow at midnight (9:00 Pacific.)