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Rules of etiquette for gym newbies.

1. DO NOT say "I don't like to let other people work in" or "I like to work out by myself" when someone asks you to work in on a machine/bench you're using. DO let the person work in with you. 2. DO NOT change the channel of the TV that's playing in the weight room, especially if it's sports. And certainly don't change it to House Hunters International on HGTV. DO leave it as is, or if you must change it, ask others in the weight room if it's ok and make sure you change it to another sporting event. 3. DO NOT wander aimlessly on the gym floor looking in awe at all the machines and weights, like a flyover tourist staring at all the tall buildings in NYC. I and other gym vets are on a mission at the gym. We know what body part we're there to train and which machines/weights we need to use. You're clueless wandering takes time away from completing that mission. DO come to the gym with a mission each day and a decent idea of how you want to complete that mission. 4. DO NOT stand next to the water fountain and chat with your gurl friend about Lady Gaga or the Beverly Hills housewives. Again, we are on a timed mission, and your blocking the fountain in order to make inane chatter screws up our timing. DO take your stupid conversation somewhere else. 5. DO NOT make mindless chit chat with me or anyone. I don't give a rat's ass that you hate your job or that you got a great deal on your new gym membership for your new year's resolution. I am there to work out, not to hear about your dull, pointless little life. DO not talk to anyone unless it's about weight training and supplements. 6. DO NOT take a flat bench, place it the narrow aisle, and park your ass on it to adjust your ipod settings. This is pure stupidity. Not only is it dangerous, but you're using a bench for a trivial activity that could be used constructively by someone wanting to lift weights. DO stand in the corner if you must play with your ipod. 7. DO NOT lazily leave the weights on the barbell when you're done, or leave dumbbells on the floor to create an obstacle course. DO restock all weights when you're done. 8. DO NOT leave a bench without wiping it down, especially if you're coughing and sneezing all over it. DO take a power towel and the sanitizer provided and wipe down the bench. 9. DO NOT take up a full bench with your belongings in the locker room. Bench space is limited, and hogging a bench is just impolite. DO take a portion for the bench for yourself, leaving some room for another member to place his belongings on. 10. DO NOT stare at me on the gym floor. Yes, I work hard on my body and I understand the need to ogle, but this is a gym, not a bar. Save it for Boxers or the Eagle, or whereever it is you go to meet men. DO subtlely take a few peeks, if you must stare. 11. DO NOT even attempt to have sex with me in in the sauna or steam if you don't have a good body. You've been warned. Again, I work hard on my physique, and I only hook up with guys who are similarly dedicated to their bodies. DO hook up with the other out of shape trolls and leave the hot guys for each other. 12. DO NOT leave your jizz soaked towels on the sauna or steam floor. That's absolutely repulsive and reflects your character. DO toss them in the laundy receptacles when you're done taking care of business. That's what they're there for.

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