Rules of etiquette for gym newbies.

1. DO NOT say "I don't like to let other people work in" or "I like to work out by myself" when someone asks you to work in on a machine/bench you're using. DO let the person work in with you. 2. DO NOT change the channel of the TV that's playing in the weight room, especially if it's sports. And certainly don't change it to House Hunters International on HGTV. DO leave it as is, or if you must change it, ask others in the weight room if it's ok and make sure you change it to another sporting event. 3. DO NOT wander aimlessly on the gym floor looking in awe at all the machines and weights, like a flyover tourist staring at all the tall buildings in NYC. I and other gym vets are on a mission at the gym. We know what body part we're there to train and which machines/weights we need to use. You're clueless wandering takes time away from completing that mission. DO come to the gym with a mission each day and a decent idea of how you want to complete that mission. 4. DO NOT stand next to the water fountain and chat with your gurl friend about Lady Gaga or the Beverly Hills housewives. Again, we are on a timed mission, and your blocking the fountain in order to make inane chatter screws up our timing. DO take your stupid conversation somewhere else. 5. DO NOT make mindless chit chat with me or anyone. I don't give a rat's ass that you hate your job or that you got a great deal on your new gym membership for your new year's resolution. I am there to work out, not to hear about your dull, pointless little life. DO not talk to anyone unless it's about weight training and supplements. 6. DO NOT take a flat bench, place it the narrow aisle, and park your ass on it to adjust your ipod settings. This is pure stupidity. Not only is it dangerous, but you're using a bench for a trivial activity that could be used constructively by someone wanting to lift weights. DO stand in the corner if you must play with your ipod. 7. DO NOT lazily leave the weights on the barbell when you're done, or leave dumbbells on the floor to create an obstacle course. DO restock all weights when you're done. 8. DO NOT leave a bench without wiping it down, especially if you're coughing and sneezing all over it. DO take a power towel and the sanitizer provided and wipe down the bench. 9. DO NOT take up a full bench with your belongings in the locker room. Bench space is limited, and hogging a bench is just impolite. DO take a portion for the bench for yourself, leaving some room for another member to place his belongings on. 10. DO NOT stare at me on the gym floor. Yes, I work hard on my body and I understand the need to ogle, but this is a gym, not a bar. Save it for Boxers or the Eagle, or whereever it is you go to meet men. DO subtlely take a few peeks, if you must stare. 11. DO NOT even attempt to have sex with me in in the sauna or steam if you don't have a good body. You've been warned. Again, I work hard on my physique, and I only hook up with guys who are similarly dedicated to their bodies. DO hook up with the other out of shape trolls and leave the hot guys for each other. 12. DO NOT leave your jizz soaked towels on the sauna or steam floor. That's absolutely repulsive and reflects your character. DO toss them in the laundy receptacles when you're done taking care of business. That's what they're there for.

• Do NOT undress on a bench because you're afraid to go into the locker room!

• OP, you sound like a real fucking winner. And I bet all your friends say you can still pass for 40.

• I am telling you NOW so I don't have to tell you THEN.

  OP

• Insufferable.

• OP sounds horrible. This... "DO subtlely take a few peeks, if you must stare." Just about sums it, though.

  %27Subtly%27%2C%20Dear

• How about people leaving their bags and coats on the floor and benches?

• There is no way this wasn't written by the original Michfest "I am telling you NOW so I do not have to tell you THEN" poster.

• Yo, my first name ain't "Baby," it's Janet...Ms. Jackson if you're nasty!

  OP

• You just know everybody looks the other way when OP, aka "Miss Rules", enters the gym.

• The only rule I beg to differ with is #1. I belong to a huge gym in NYC and workout at the slowest times possible. It never fails that there will be only 9 guys in the gym and one asswipe always asks to work in on the one machine I'm on, despite the fact that there are about, oh, a hundred other machines not being used at that moment. I always say no btw. And then he hits on me in the steamroom.

• At least you are getting hit on, r10!

• [quote]I and other gym vets are on a mission at the gym. We know what body part we're there to train and which machines/weights we need to use. [quote]Again, we are on a timed mission, and your blocking the fountain in order to make inane chatter screws up our timing. [quote]DO NOT stare at me on the gym floor. Yes, I work hard on my body and I understand the need to ogle, [quote]DO subtlely take a few peeks, if you must stare. My [italic]Mary![/italic]-o-meter just exploded, OP.

• 3/10

• OP: You look so youthful! Was AARP doing a promotion with Abercrombie & Fitch?

• Anybody who takes the gym this seriously has a sadly empty life.

• DO kick the OP in the twat if you run into her cruising in the showers.

• OP laments the demise of Connexion...

• This is the same troll who used to talk about admiring his body in the mirror while standing on his Central park terrace "in the City," imagining his sexual possibilities.

• OP, no one probably wants to have sex with you anyway. You sound like a major asshole, and probably have a butterface since you're so obsessed with looks.

• "I and other gym vets are on a mission at the gym. " OP, you really do need your ass kicked. Get over yourself, you prissy bitch.

  Another gym rat and probably been at it longer than Miss Opie.

• I work out 7 days a week and this list is bullshit. Obvious trolling. [quote]You're clueless wandering takes time away from completing that mission. Riiight. I'm there to work out, that's what I'm focused on. Some random walking around taking in the amenities isn't going to bother me one bit, because I'm not even focused on anything other than my workout at the gym.

• Rule 2. get rid of the fucking sports events. If you change the tv make it anything but idiots being payed to play games.

• "being payed" oh dear.

• ...what's a "power towel"?

• OP sounds miserable.

• DO NOT spray your itchy taint with Desenex and needlessly overbroad tugging gestures when standing next to my locker OP. I'm trying to smoke over here.

• What's an ipod?

  Hot%2025%20year%20old

• People who have to work out so much tend to have butter faces.

  Just%20sayin%27

• You should have your own gym at your house, honey.

  Lana%20Kane

• A gym is not an office. I get so tired of people sitting on equipment scrolling through their emails. "Resting" between sets does not take five minutes.

• Sounds like OP might be the sort to have plastic covers on his sofa. DO NOT tell otherwise.

• What is it with men and spray deoderant? One quick squirt is enough. Holding the button for 30 seconds doesn't make you any less stinky.

• Who the hell is still using spray deodorant?

• R33 - Exactly!!!! Who does that??? Isn't that environmentally wrong!!???? I thought it was illegal. Do they still sell that shit?

  Lana%20Kane%20

• OP. You're just showing us and confirming what an asshole you are. You should just be glad that there are a lot of people (not just you) who are interested in working out. what a fucking douche you are.

• op, you are 'straight' acting, aren't you?

• The OP cannot possibly be for real. He's just putting this on for a laugh.

• I thought it was funny. You can kind of tell that even the OP does know everything- guys who like to fool around in the saunas etc aren't that discriminating- rather those who do obviously have a thing about it, just as it is obvious that others want no part of it. I take the gym pretty seriously- it's $ and I mean to get the most out of it, safely and efficiently. There are those who kind of hang out- sure they can be nice- but I am there first and foremost to work out and stay in the best possible physical shape I can. Being fit makes me feel good and enables participating in sports that I love- vanity used to be part of it- but not so much now as I am 59; neat, clean, fit, but 59.

  charlie

• OP cannot be for real! He types with an old-fairy mindset, his material is highly exaggerated, While there's truth to some of his points, there's no need to go on and on and be so fag-bitch and petty. He isn't amusing, probably doesn't have that good a body, well, maybe good for his age, his advanced age, and is wasting DL space. I think R15 has it right! R10, I've got one at my gym; always wanting to work in. I think he is just hitting on me, so I always say no and point to anybody and say anyway I'm in love with that guy. Usually he'll slunk off. And if I even look at the steamroom, he's there! Anyway, I think OP is trolling.

  Edga

• I'm so, so, so sorry, Mother...I mean, OP.

  Strict%20Toilet%20Training

• What does it mean to "work in?" Sorry, I don't go to gyms, I have my own equipment at home. Gyms atttact jerks like OP.

• Keep it up, OP. Looking good!

  http://fatnewsfeed.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/GymMain_1650302a.jpg

• A few more, my darlings: 13. DO NOT use the equipment for anything other than what it was intended for. There are two bench presses, and they are not to be used for some sit-up maneuver you found online. DO use the bench press only if you're going to be benching. 14. DO NOT ask me to spot you if you have bad breath. I don't want to become overwhelmed with fumes from the onion and garlic sandwich you had for lunch. DO brush your teeth, rinse with mouthwash, or chew breath gum before asking me to spot you. 15. DO NOT wear a muscle or tight tee if you're out of shape. I and no one else wants to be subjected to the sight of your cellulite trying to escape the fabric. This type of gym attire is meant for those of us with hard bodies that beg to be displayed. DO wear oversize tees and sweat pants until you reach a point where you body is fit for reveal. 16. DO NOT give me a dirty look when I grunt when weight lifting. The grunting allows me and others to push ourselves to the limit and then some. Working out sends my and most guys' testosterone through the roof, and grunting is a natural manifestation of that. Until you dedicate yourself to the gym, you will never know that feeling of invincibilty that increased T gives you. DO look straight ahead and not pay attention to my T-fueled grunts and just imagine me making those sounds in bed.

  OP, Get big or get out of the way, bitches!

• R41, "working in" is where 2 people alternate sets. It allows them to work out continuously while resting when the other person is doing their reps.

• Nice job, OP, 6/10 I truly laughed out loud at this little nugget: [quote]DO hook up with the other out of shape trolls and leave the hot guys for each other.

• Do NOT share buttplugs on the Ellipticals. It's simply unsanitary

• Do admire my shaved mangina with protruding butt plug when I bend over in the locker room.

• Okay, now I know 100% the OP was never for real in the first place. His demands are getting too hilarious/ridiculous/cartoonish/MOTHERFUCKING-MARY to take seriously for even one second. Only a fool would think the OP was serious. He means the whole thing as a whacky, exaggerated satire of gym-mentality, that much is obvious.

• P.S., well-played, OP. You're getting funnier and funnier the more I think about your posts.

• I dunno, I thought this was pretty spot on. People being lazy at the gym piss me off too, because it usually detracts from my workout and keeps me there longer than I'd like to be. There's nothing I hate more than having to wait around five minutes while some jerk sits on the machine I need to use, staring blankly into space, because they don't have the motivation yet to do another set. Also, if I could add something to the list, it would be: do NOT use the treadmill or elliptical directly next to someone if there's twenty or thirty unoccupied ones available.

• I hate when someone asks to work in. I just walk away and let them take the machine.

• [quote] DO NOT even attempt to have sex with me in in the sauna or steam if you don't have a good body. Or even if you do, because only pathetic pieces of shit have sex at the gym.

• Please post some more of the DO/DO NOT rules, OP. I'm in the mood for a laugh and I don't think this thread has truly been milked for its full comedy potential yet.

• Sounds like OP goes to a real shitty gym. I have never encountered even ONE of those problems, and I am in my gym everyday. And I also suspect OP is not as hot as they like to think they are. In fact, their words tell me they are very very ugly.

• Fuck you. I'll put on HGTV if I want. There's no reason sporting events have to be on all the time.

• [quote]DO NOT change the channel of the TV that's playing in the weight room Your gym has only one tv? Sounds like a real dump.

• OP all that testosterone you take is affecting your brain. Drink something sugary and listen to Diana the goddess Ross for a few hours. When you go back to the gym next time you ll be wanting to reach out and touch every fellow gay you meet, no matter how fat or flabby he is,

  Diana

• I always put Jeopardy! on the t.v. and nobody has ever complained.

• Are there gym newbies?

• DO NOT GRUNT!!!!

• Long list. OP seems more interested in who is he working out with than the actually workout itself. Might I suggest P90x DVDs and a chin-up bar in a doorway in your flat?

• R61, the P90x is a good idea. But the ceilings in his mom's basement are probably too low for a chin-up bar in the doorway.

• The ones that bug me: 1) hogging equipment. there is one guy who goes around the floor with a magazine. he'll do a set, and just sit there reading for like 5 minutes before doing his next one. everyone stares but as far as i know people just deal with it. his nickname (have no idea if he knows it) is 'oinker'. 2) yapping on a cell phone. 3) being lazy at the gym. this shouldn't bother me but it does. there is definitely a large contingent of gym-goers who really don't notice or care whether they are actually getting anything out of their workout routine, they just want to self-acknowledge that they have been inside a health club for 30 minutes. it just seems to have a draining effect on the energy of a gym. 4) perfume. 5) anything other than sports on the televisions. fortunately, this is hardly ever a problem at my gym.

• I cannot fathom why someone would get "annoyed" that there is anything other than sports on some television somewhere. There are lots of people (including me) who find no enjoyment in watching sports. I don't find it annoying that some of the TVs are showing sports. Why can't you share the world with others who don't think like you do?

• well, for starters i have little understanding of men who don't enjoy sports. i don't get that at all. i agree it's not my business, but i really, truly don't get it. in any event, sports are energizing and exciting and therefore can have a motivating effect on a workout. from a practical perspective, sports make more sense in a gym because you don't have to pay close attention to follow a game, plus you don't need any audio... if you are watching the latest garden renovation show, it's unlikely you are doing much of a workout, because your attention is way too distracted. is it an 'issue'? not really, it hardly ever comes up, mostly because at my gym the manager keeps the tvs on sports all the time, and if anyone objects they are not saying anything about it. if i happen to use another gym that is not showing sports, usually they are pretty accommodating about switching over. but men who don't like sports? ugh.

  r63

• Maybe you need your full wits about you to run on a treadmill, but I can run fast without tripping and watch Meet the Press. "in any event, sports are energizing and exciting" To you, perhaps, but watching golf or baseball is hardly "energizing" to me. It's like watching paint dry. I enjoy playing sports, but I'm not the type who likes to just watch someone else do something. I'd rather engage my mind if a TV is on. Even a garden renovation show is more interesting. And luckily at my gym, there are plenty of TVs, so everyone can get along fine. No one there seems to want to force their view of the world on everyone else.

• 17. DO NOT attempt to bench more weight than your weak, newbie body can handle, because I will not come to your defense and save you from being decapitated when I see you struggling to lift it. We reap what we sow, doll. DO bench no more than 50 lbs, as your muscle-free amorphous body will handle any more than that at the onset. 18. DO NOT use your personal trainer as your psychologist. Remember, you are there on a mission to make your body fit for public consumption, and not to complain/seek advice about your problems with your job or significant other. They are fitness experts. They will tolerate your incessant whining only because they are being paid to spend time with you. Do not mistake their tolerance for interest. DO limit interaction with your personal trainer to discussion about working out and nutrition. 19. DO NOT tie only one gym towel around your waist before proceeding to the sauna/steam/shower, when it is clear that you need two or three to be fully covered. The need for more than one towel implies a waistline that is wider than one that a person with my physique would deign to touch. Here's a simple way to recognize when you need extra towelage: If I can see more than one-tenth of your upper leg with just the one towel, then you need hurry on back to the towel bin and get extra towelage. Additionally, when you do tie more than one towel around your waist, DO NOT prance around pretending that you're only wearing one. You're fooling absolutely no one and only calling attention to how large your waistline truly is. DO tie ample towelage around your belly if needed (using my simple rule), and if you must use more than one towel, I implore you to be not try to conceal such a fact. 20. DO NOT poke holes in the shower curtain so that you can steal peeks at the traffic that is coming and going. If the management sees those holes, they will only replace them with solid, opaque curtains by which you will not be able to see any of the passersby. The trick is not be greedy with your ogling. DO grab looks through the already transparent curtains to glean if anything fuckable is on its way to the steam or sauna.

  OP

• 21. DO NOT make falsetto, squealing noises when I cornhole you. If you are going to have sexual congress with a perfect, muscular specimen like me then I insist you express your throes of passion in a rich, baritone growling. 22. DO lick my nipples in rapid, counter-clockwise motions when we both cum. And given my sexual prowess, we WILL both cum multiple times.

  OP

• Why are shop bottoms like OP such miserable cunts? Is it the result of living with 5 other people in a 5th floor studio walkup? Is it the knowledge that, despite his alleged good looks and fit body, he'll never make more than 30K a year? It is the fact that since he's so miserable, he will die alone (not to mention broke).

• 23. DO flex your sphincter in approximately a 3/2 rhythm with the thrusts of my elephantine penis in your ass. 24. DO NOT stop flexing your sphincter until I authorize you to.

• 25. DO call me Daddy when we fuck. And I will call you "Missy." As in, "Lap up my jizz puddles off the locker room floor, Missy, and there might be a shiny new nickel in it for you."

  OP

• I do not care about most of these but... Do not put hundreds of pounds Of plates on the squat/bench press bar, do a rep or two and leave the plates on the bar for me to unrack. I'm neither your maid nor your Mommy. Clean up after yourself.

• [quote]DO NOT take a flat bench, place it the narrow aisle, and park your ass on it to adjust your ipod settings. I've never seen anyone do this. You're reaching. [quote]DO NOT make mindless chit chat with me or anyone. I don't give a rat's ass that you hate your job or that you got a great deal on your new gym membership for your new year's resolution. I am there to work out, not to hear about your dull, pointless little life. DO not talk to anyone unless it's about weight training and supplements. I seriously doubt this is a problem for you. You are clearly an angry person with issues, and most people would know to steer clear of you.

• [quote]well, for starters i have little understanding of men who don't enjoy sports. i don't get that at all. I love sports, but you sound very small-minded and dull. You probably appear that way to most people, too.

• I have to agree with the rule about fatties and too-tight clothing. I see numerous fat, older men squeezing into brightly coloured Under Armor shirts to look "muscular" and young. Unfortunately, they end up looking bloated and desperate. Even worse, there are a few who pair their about-to-explode lycra shirts with those neon sole running shoes. These men look beyond ridiculous.

• Y'all a bunch of phat bitches up in here! Sounds like you need to focus more on your own workouts.

• I don't mind bring frustrated with other people at the gym. Fuels my workout.

• R65's pic:

  http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120606155829/glee/images/8/8f/Shannon_Beiste3.png

• 26. DO make sure and hum my favorite Rolling Stones songs to me after I cornhole you hard enough to hemorrhage your out-of-shape, unworthy asshole and leave you dripping blood, Missy. I prefer "Satisfaction" "The Last Time" and "Ruby Tuesday." 27. DO NOT leave your asshole blood behind. You WILL clean it up. Whether it's with paper towels or your own tongue, I don't care. But a gorgeous, perfect physical specimen like me will NOT put up with you ugly bitches like the lot of you leaving your sexually-ruptured fluids everywhere.

  OP

• I once joined a gym and was told by the owner, a guy named Rick, that he had gotten rid of the "screamers" and the gym was better for it. I thought he meant "screaming queens" and was immediately offended but it turned out he was really referring to the guys who grunt and scream when they're lifting heavy weights.

• OP..go fuck yourself. Do you own the gym? If not, shut the fuck up. The newbies pay just like you do.

• 28. DO NOT challenge my authority. I have spent enough years and hours of ferocious, emotional dedication in gyms (which your inferior brains are too small to even conceive of) and you twinkish, sexual menials are simply not allowed to question my gym expertise. If anything, you should be expressing gratitude at me for not stepping on the lot of you like the inferior physical specimens you are....MISSY-GIRLS!!! And then you sexual menials actually have the TEMERITY to expect muscular physical perfection to deign to give you sexual attention? The arrogance of some pitiful, weakling, loser lower-ladder-rung-dwellers of society. Who can't grab SUCCESS and fuck it in the asshole like I do.

  the%20REAL%20OP

• With a magazine, R63??? Isn't that so 1994?

• I quite enjoy the addendum of rules...

• Smell her.

• OP = bossy muscle bottom

• 29. DO thank me for being cool and down-to-earth enough to give you out-of-shape menials permission NOT to constantly kneel and bow in the presence of a muscular, physically perfect specimen like myself..... MISSY!

  OP

• Thank you OP. Somebody had to say it.

• Roid Rage

• 30. DO tell me that my beautifully sculpted asshole smells like a fresh cedar tang any time your slithering little tongue rims the golden, ethereal tunnel of my diamond-shitting asshole. Being the strong, aggressive perpetual winner I am in life, I do an excellent job of maintaining a variety of pleasant aromas which issue from my muscle-rippled, perfect ass. Much better than any other smell you'll encounter in a gym, so I expect other people in a gym to have a sense of gratitude about this detail.

  OP.....really

• Nigger, please...

• R91, that made my night...tyvm. Still laughing!