I want a baby

My partner and I (both male, together 7 years) have never discussed this, but lately I've been thinking about this a lot. I want to adopt a child. I'm scared to bring it up, because I honestly don't know what his reaction will be. He's never said anything that would make me think he doesn't want one, necessarily. It just might seem like it's coming out of the blue. Am I nuts to even think of this? I think we could do it. We're both in our mid 30s and are financially stable.

• Try fostering first.

• If you require blessings from the internet to move forward on this STOP.

• USA Today had an article on the shortage of kids for adoption. Blacks aren't putting up their babies for adoption anymore, as Welfare Obama has increased the welfare they get for breeding. Whites are keeping their kids and Asians have stopped producing en masse. So that leaves overseas. But Ethiopia and China have cut back on babies leaving as their economies take off. This leaves Russia which just stopped it.

• My only advice would be don't take any advice from r3.

• Too bad R3's parents didn't.

• [quote] shortage of kids for adoption. [quote] cut back on babies leaving You're a fucking idiot cuntbag.

• Borrow a child for a weekend and you might change your mind.

• Get a puppy

• Get a nice cactus. Most baby clothes fit right over them.

• R7 speaks the truth.

• Op, why do you want a child? If it has anything to do with fulfilling your life....get a dog and move on.

• I think it's great! Just be sure to decide beforehand who gets the kid most of the time once you split up.

• What does it get you? Thanks a lot and out with the garbage.

  Rose

• [quote][R7] speaks the truth. So does R9.

• Plenty of children up for adoption in Los Angeles. They are actively persuing Gay couples. Being a parent is a wonderful gift.

• Promise you won't name a little girl Douglas?

• Why do you think you and your partner would be good parents?

• Surrogate works great and it will help your relationship immensely.

  SJP

• OP, I notice you don't mention once why you want a baby, just that you do and you've been "thinking about this a lot" lately. "Lately" makes this sound like more of a recent impulse than a well-conceived plan. Also how have you been with your partner for 7 years without discussing whether you want kids? Seems like the kind of conversation you have when things get serious. My partner and I did and so do most couples, I assume. I also assume this is a serious relationship and you and your partner are open and honest with one another about your goals, desires and plans in life. Otherwise, I'd say you're not really suited to be parents at this time. It's not fair to bring a child into a possibly tenuous, fraught relationship. R2 speaks the truth. Needy Internet trolls don't sound like good parenting material to me.

  2%20cents

• I want a baby too

  The%20Dingo

• R11, I want to provide a child with love and a positive upbringing and contribute to the next generation. R17, we're both kind, patient, and empathetic, and I believe we would provide a wonderful, secure, loving home for a child.

  OP

• How true is it that if a baby is denied the breast, the body and physical presence of a woman, they are served at a huge disadvantage?

• Do u really want a baby for paternal reasons or because it is IN between the gay these days? Remember, you cannot return the baby to the store.

  Lana%20Kane

• [quote]Being a parent is a wonderful gift. One with no return receipt, unfortunately.

• [quote]Obviously you don't understand. What you're really doing is denying one of your children the opportunity to live a wonderful and advantaged life! How sad that is. Good afternoon

• R21 OP, yes that sounds like good prerequisites for wanting to be a parent. As long as you consider everything slowly and bring the topic up with your partner without being totally set on it yourself, things might work out if you don't jump into adoption. R16 -- Thanks for my laugh of the day.

  Anonymous

• Try the old advice to wait a year from and if you still want one then do it. Be VERY upfront with your feelings also. (Almost) Nothing worse than a bitter parent.

• OP, just ask him if he's ever thought about being a parent. If he's open to it, I would really try fostering first. You can foster infants, OP, and I know of two cases, where both couples ended up adopting the child they fostered. It definitely took awhile, but it happened.

• It sucks. Don't trap yourself.

• I have a child from a previous (straight) marriage and I have fostered kids. It's different being a foster father. It's not the preparation you think it is, because the responsibilities are short-term and part of you worries about bonding so closely with kids that will eventually leave you. Talk it over with your partner. We have my son and a daughter together. I love being a dad. So does my partner. Our kids are worth every sacrifice we make.

• OP, you should be more afraid that you are in a 7 year relationship and you are afraid to bring up the subject. Wanting to raise a child is a perfectly natural thing. It can be a wild and mysterious journey but full of reward and a real education on life. Good luck to you. And you do not need training wheels like fostering a child or "borrowing" a friend's. Neither is comparable to having your own child and being committed to it. Nothing will prepare you for parenthood. Before a het couple has a child no one suggests they do such things before they start a family.

• My partner and I adopted twins in 2008 from the US, there are plenty of children in the US to adopt. Not true about whites and blacks. A lot of kids need homes, it's really the greatest gift. Go for it.

• WOGER, I WAN' ta haff a BAY-BEE!

  Linda%20Purl

• [quote]Being a parent is a wonderful gift. Bumper sticker on the rear of a dirty 2005 Dodge Caravan seen parked at Walmart, along with a "Serenity Prayer" bumper sticker, a "God is my Co-pilot" bumper sticker and "My Child is an Honor Student at Saint Ignatius School"

• My best friend had her first child two years ago. She waited until her late thirties because she wanted to get some of her wild oats sewn or something like that. She has traveled the world performing and had many fun adventures, and her son has opened up her world in new ways, but I know she wishes that she had really understood all that she was giving up when she had him. She hasn't slept much in two years, she was nursing him. She is constantly providing him with care, so her identity as a person and an individual feels totally erased at times, according to what she tells me. She calls me frequently sobbing. I think she is happy, but I think she knows now that she had absolutely no idea what she was getting into. If you have never provided care for someone 24/7, you have no clue what being a parent is like. I don't either, as I have no kids, but I did take care of a sick parent, and it took every single reserve I had in me to not go crazy, and I still came close many times. She and I often talk about the commonalities. You love your child/person in your care with all of your heart, but caring for them literally breaks you apart as a person and you are never the same. If you can read all that and really take it in, not just dismiss it that you know better and you'll do it better, as most people do, and then you still want to do it, maybe then start considering. But do your research. When people say being a parent is the hardest job in the world, that is no joke. It will literally suck the life out of you and then want more. You have to be prepared to not only be kind, compassionate, loving, and able to set boundaries, but you have to be able to do that on no sleep and under enormous stress. That is why people crack.

• Adopt me.

• R20 ROFL

• Everything R35 says is true, but the rewards are also something you can never be prepared for. It will shock you to realize how much you can love a child and how much they can enrich your life. Lots of people have been transformed and redeemed by the unconditional love of parenthood. Just today I was listening to the epilogue from Les Mis and was moved by Valjean's dying confession to Cosette: "....on this page I write my last confession. Read it well when I at last am sleeping. It's the story of one who turned from hating. A man who only learned to love when you were in his keeping." **sniff** "and remember the truth that once was spoken, to love another person is to see the face of God."

  I%20know%2C%20%20Mary%21%20x%201000

• [quote]One with no return receipt, unfortunately. Well, there are other ways to hit the "undo" button.

  Mrs%20Patsy%20Ramsey%2C%20formerly%20of%20Boulder%20Colorado

• [quote]And you do not need training wheels like fostering a child or "borrowing" a friend's. Neither is comparable to having your own child and being committed to it. Nothing will prepare you for parenthood. Before a het couple has a child no one suggests they do such things before they start a family. Might be a good idea to start making such suggestions to those couples.

• OP - You probably need to do some reading about parenting and preparation for parenting. If you really want a child, but your partner doesn't, it could be the end of your relationship. I used to work with someone who decided to end his relationship when, many years into the relationship, his partner (female) finally told him that she didn't want children. He decided that he would try to find another partner who did want children - knowing that he might never find another partner.

• OP: my partner and I were together for MANY years before we decided to have children. Our daughter is 2 1/2 and her baby brother is due in March. We wanted a biological connection to our kids so we went the surrogate route. We've had a very good experience - but it has been pretty expensive. Being a parent is the hardest thing we've ever done - but its been the most rewarding, too. My partner had never held a baby until our daughter was born - and we quickly learned about parenting My advice: tell your partner you want to have kids and start talking about it. You both need to want to do it and both be committed to it. There are a variety of ways to become a parent - you just need to decide what way works best for you.

  Proud%20Papa

• I sincerely don't get the desire to have one and I'm female (and gay). I have friends with them who are happy and friends who are miserable. For me, it just never seemed worth it. And I think it's a load of crap that you can't understand love unless you have one. But tell your partner what you're feeling and see what he says. And good luck to you if you decide to pursue it.

• The other question is, if he doesn't want a child, then what? You've been together 7 years and you have no inkling what his reaction would most probably be? Not a great sign that you should be considering adopting anytime soon as a couple, even if he agrees to it.

• Adopting? Yes, if you both are sincerely on the same page, do your research, and get some experience with kids (if your relatives have any you can babysit). Creating a new one? No, no, no.

• One of the things I like best about being a parent of a young adult daughter (loved the whole experience except for the scary times when she was ill) is that now that she is grown up I can ask her for advice and she fixes my computer. Seeing my child grow into a wise, compassionate, and caring adult is my proudest achievement. There is nothing like the love you have for a child, especially when they are not a selfish, thoughtless, pain in the ass like a few I know. Having children can be expensive, though, especially when they start driving and go to college.

  A parent

• ITA, R46 and I've had a similar experience. I feel I've wasted my life and made wrong decisions at least somewhat, but being in my daughter's life was not part of that -- it was and is the opposite of that and made me feel that I did something right and worthwhile by helping her be the kind, successful person she is today.

  Anonymous

• For me, having kids was the right decision. This is too important and intimate a topic to be discussed in any depth here. Do be aware that adoption might not be a viable option for you. Check out the possibility of a gestational carrier. How about starting the conversation with, "Have you ever thought about having kids?"

• Is that 'cause the django ate your baby?

• Do it. Ask any adult or child who was in the foster system and they will tell you the one thing they wanted most is a parent. I am not kidding. You simply would not believe the longing these children have for a family. It's heartbreaking. Anything you can offer is eons more than they already have.

  A%20Child%20Welfare%20Worker

• bump

• Kids ruin everything.

• If you're in your late 30s, you're too old. Parenting is for young kids.

• I always thought I would eventually be a parent, I had thought that since a teen, and I'm now 40. I've never had the right partner to take on the challenge, frankly, and I can't imagine doing it as a single person. Single mothers, how do you do it? As I have gotten older though, I see my sister. She has 4 kids, 7 and under. They are wonderful and well behaved, for the most part. My sister, I think kind of found her calling after another career. She's a really good mom. I spend a LOT of time with them. I now know, I have a lot of the right instincts to be a parent, however, I'm just not willing to sacrifice what is needed to be a good one. I make a decent living, but I want the things I want. I want to go on vacation a few times a year. I want not to worry about my spending. I have a lot of fun with the nieces and nephews, and love to spoil them. If my sister can't afford X gift, I probably can, and I know they appreciate it. I'll have to be careful, but whatever. There are times though, just being around them--the noise, the whole thing is just too much. Thanks! It was fun! And then, you don't have to worry about it. No tantrum, no screaming. I can't imagine now on a day to day basis. I don't think I have that sort of patience. Best wishes OP, but please spend a good long time with friend's children babysitting. It shook my confidence to the core.

• No OP, friend's kids and even nieces and nephews ARE NOT the same as your own. I can't stand to be around my friends kids for very long. But I love my own to death.

• More protein from a shake or tofu. Why bother with a baby, so full of gristle and fat.

• Yes, Sparky, you can make it happen. When I dropped the bomb on my husband, he came around. Parental urges have little to do with sexual orientation. You'll make great dads.

• Thanks all. I talked to my partner a couple of days ago. He was very surprised to hear that I wanted one; he had apparently never thought about it at all, so he wants some time to think about it. We'll discuss it some more and see what happens. If it turns out that he doesn't want a child, that's something I'll live with; I love my partner and won't leave him over this. But I'm heartened that he seems open to the idea.

  OP

• OP - if you and your partner decide to go the surrogate route - or even just have questions - happy to chat offline about our experience.

  Proud%20Papa

• I recommend Children's Bureau if you're in LA. They offer FostAdopt. You're matched with a child who you take care of and if the birth parents don't get their acts together, you adopt. They're great people there.