How do you deal with not being liked?

Sometimes, some people just don't like you for whatever reason. How do you cope with not being liked? In those situations, I am often overcomed by the desire to make them like me and expend energy in trying to get to know them.

• How old are you OP? Are you in a relationship? I'm 38 and I find as I get older, it doesn't matter as much. Do not waste your time. Some people click, others don't. Just move on and expend energy on keeping the friends you have.

• I just deal, not being liked is simply a part of life sometimes.

• Treat people decently and, if they don't like you, move the fuck on. That's how you cope.

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• I kind of get what OP means. My issue currently is that I have apparently offended someone who was an acquaintance through a mutual friend. I have no idea why or how, and I have issued an apology. But this person just refuses to discuss it. For some reason, I have this drive to know what I did that was so deeply offensive that they won't speak to me over it. And how could it have been that offensive, and I don't even remember doing or saying it? So, yeah, I have issues too...

• What R1 said. Grow up, OP.

• I'll give it just a little though just to examine myself, and whether I might have done something that may warrant an apology. Really though, just a little thought…then I move on. No everyone has to like you.

• I truly could not care less.

• It used to bother me quite a bit, but I've just come to get over it. No one is universally liked.

• R4, Don't toss and turn at night over it. I had a very similar experience and I later learned (via a glance at their blog - apparently a vehicle to solicit compliments) that the offended / pouty person is not worth the inner struggle. Also, the unexplained freeze out is a go-to tactic of manipulation and control for the personality disordered, no matter how squeaky clean their reputation. Best to nod and smile if you see this person, and not gossip about them to 'vent' or 'process' what happened. They get off on the idea that someone is obsessing about them (in reality they create these puzzling situations). If you have to vent about people like this, do so with strangers and don't use names. Pretty soon you'll get over it with your self esteem intact, and with a finer BS detector.

• Thank you, R9. Good advice.

  R4

• i agree with everyone that said grow up...when it comes to personal life. on the other hand, my supervisor had made it obvious that he does not like me at work and it's affecting everything i do day to day. he's passive agressive and micromanages me to death. what's the best way to approach that. oh, and i've already tried to be direct and he just brushes me off.

• OP, At some point in everyone's maturity--for me, it was about 26--you realize that if you're basically an ethical person, if you treat people fairly, anyone who doesn't like you (without cause) is probably one of the following: narcissistic, schizophrenic, paranoid, jealous, or damaged. The best thing is to avoid them--I promise you they dislike loads of other people--and let them crash and burn. You're welcome.

• Everything r12 said. In my case it was pretty recently. I am almost thirty - two. Really just conduct yourself well through these situations, and you will see them for what they are. Like r12 said, don't cave to the probably tempting urge to gossip about the person in order to somehow get back some of your good name or be understood. Don't do it. Be direct, brief and honest with an apology, clarification or what have you - and don't sound emotional during. Then forget about it. Ridiculous people out themselves. You won't have to repair your reputation. Skip the idea of being this person's pal, too.

  r9

• In a professional situation, that is, if I have to work with them, I'll confront them ("What exactly is your problem with me?"). If it's someone I don't have to deal with professionally, I simply ignore them.

• [R14] you would say that to your supervisor??

  R33

• OP that is trivial compared to the following two situations, which you will learn eventually: a) Somebody who pretends to like you but really hates you; and, b) Somebody who likes or even loves you and then suddenly he doesn't and pretends he never did. Once you've had these happen to you, you'll wonder why you bothered with your present case - because in the end, that's the best being friendly could get out of these folk. We rationalize and invent reasons why people don't like us, but at bottom most people are just herd animals with no independent judgement at all. They either feel that not liking you makes them a more valued member of the herd or that liking you puts them on a lower level in the herd than they want to be. It's not something they can control because it is a biological instinct among follower personalities. If they could think their way out of it, you would end up with case b. And in the more likely case that they pretend to be friendly to you in order to practice their deception skills, well, then you have case a. Don't bother looking for psychological triggers, misinformation, gossip, or "maybe they're just having a bad day." That's called "projection," where you try to imagine why you might act this way. These people aren't you. They are sheep or pack dogs or lemmings, and they have literally no control over this behavior.

• What other people think of you is none of your business. Live by that. If you treat people well, are kind, respectful and know who YOU are, you can put your head on your own pillow at night. It's THEIR shit to deal with, not yours. The older you get, the more you realize that. And life becomes happier and easier.

• "Somebody who likes or even loves you and then suddenly he doesn't and pretends he never did." This happens a lot in the gay world. Let's discuss this instead.

• I guess I could have been just a little clearer with some additional verbiage. If they respond positively to your continued efforts and come to like or love you, it is only a matter of time before their herd instinct resurfaces and snuffs that out, that's why case b is the very best you could achieve by being friendly to them. They aren't in control here. The herd instinct is more powerful than their brain can handle. You see it a lot in people who grew up around dirty industries like petrochemicals or around toxic environments.

  R16

• Good advice at r9, r12 and r16. I've dealt with this situation with a coworker for 10 years (the only other gay guy in the office). We used to lunch together once a week but then he took to ignoring me, literally turning his back on me when I tried to make small talk with him at a company function (since other, "better" people were around). He did this once before years ago, and we didn't speak for a year then he thawed only to turn on the ice again about a year ago. The difference is the first time it tore me up and I obsessed over why he hated me and what was wrong with me, what had I done etc. This time I really don't give a fuck, he's just a miserable ass, and don't think I will ever bother with him again.

• r16's advice is flat wrong. EVERYONE is responsible for his own behavior and has control over it. Relinquishing "control" is a choice. Following the "herd' is a choice. Perhaps a subconcious choice but it never relieves him from the responsibility for his decisions. Nazi Germany, anyone?

• Gay men acting like 13 year old girls. Example #418: This thread.

• I'd guess that a lot of adults who care about whether or not people like them were the conciliators in difficult households as children. Making sure people like you is a holdover from making sure that Mom and Dad were happy with you and that you didn't get hit. You have to move away from that mindset.

• But isn't that why having the president support gay marriage finally tipped the balance to our side R21, because most people don't and can't think for themselves under any circumstances and so they look to social clues as to what is acceptable behavior, so having a powerful person on our side made all the difference?

• Here's a pictue of me!

  http://www.chessbase.com/images2/2003/lahno01.jpg

  OP

• I just don't care if someone doesn't likes me, OP. That's how i deal with it. Not everyone is going to like you, that's life.

• People with healthy self esteem who encounter hostile people usually avoid them. They simply shrug and say to themselves, "I wonder what HIS problem is." And then they forget it. They don't spend a lot of time wondering what THEY did wrong. Instead, they focus on the fact that the other person is likely damaged in some way. Only people with low self esteem worry about these things. They have something to prove to themselves, so they twist themselves in knots trying to get approval from hateful people. It's a fools errand though, because you can never get their love......the same way you (apparently) never got Mommy's or Daddy's.