And on the third day
she rose again from a blackout
Ascended to cold porcelain
and sharteth on the right side of the seat
She'd turn the water into vodka
She would rise from the grave, belting, "Maybe this time I'll be lucky...."
This thread is funnier than I expected
I get my DREAMS from Our Father who Art in Heaven, but my DRIVE from my mother!
Three words: Peter Allen Magdalene.
The three wise men bring: gold, frankincense and sequins!
The catechism would be replaced by the exortation, "Do it for Mama!"
Andy Warhol would have sold Turin Shroud screenprints.
Thirty talents? Thirty is NUTHIN!
The altar boys would be twenty-three year old club queens who sashay up to the altar with bitchy attitude.
Straight men would watch musicals.
[quote]Turin Shroud screenprints
Talk about a redundancy.
The word "blessed" throughout the Beatitudes would be replaced by "sensational."
Marrying a gay man would be the norm.
"Vestments, People! All eyes are on me, but my eyes are stuck with you. Let's keep them happy!"
Pilgrims from around the globe would head for the site of Studio 54.
We would all think her name was Jeshush.
It would totally ruin my favorite story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. And that would be a pity, because for the moment, it is my only story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. Surely there cannot have been many occasions to chronicle. But if Liza had been Jesus, perhaps there would have been.
That's what I think about, sometimes.
"The other day, someone said to me, 'Lisa, love the hat!' And I said, 'Thanks! But the name is Jesus, not Lisa; and this isn't a hat, it's my halo!'"
About the woman taken in adultery: "He that is without shin among you, let him casht the firsht shtone at her."
To the woman taken in adultery: "Go, and shin no more."
It would have been even easier for Christianity to replace Judy-ism.
"When my baby smiles at me I go to Heaven..."
All of the hymns would be written by Kander and Ebb.
Fox News would be covering "The War on Cabaretmas".
Dancing and gay male sex would be sacraments. Music in churches would be better.
That cross would've been made by some fabulous designer.
Lloyd Webber's breakthrough musical would have been "Liza M Superstar."
[quote]Shouldn't the question be "if Liza were Jesus" instead of "if Liza was Jesus." Just wondering.
R27. Yes! When using the word "if," the auxiliary verb should be the plural form, meaning you must use "were" not "was."
Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus.
OP, please take note.
We'd have to ring them bells;
We'd have to ring them bells....
Vincente Minnelli would have directed "The Greatest Story Ever Told."
Sermons would reference "The Parable of Elsie."
All the priests would have been ga...oh wait.
Judas would have been named Lorna.
"Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus."
Grammar Nazis should spell check
Services would conclude with the collection plate passed around while the organist plays "Money."
Churches would allow smoking.
dumbest thread ever
I like royal blue.
Well, look at Christopher Hitchens at R68!
I am happy we got this were and was thing figured out.
Yes, R71, so is I.
Mass would start with, "Gather around, I've got a story to tell..."
Sigmata would consist of long, black, spidery eyelashes.
BC = Before Cabaret
AD = After Drugs
Men would have to have the babies. Think about that.
How high were you when you posted this question, OP?
I'll have what you're having.
Instead of dying for our sins, she's find our sins to die for!
"I just started working with clay" would be a powerful mantra.
So Liza walks into a hotel, hands the clerk three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
So many funny ones here, how did the Halston one get W&W? Am I missing something from that "joke"?
R75 wins the whole thread.
Bet thread in a long while.
Tony Danza would be Pope Detoxus VII.
She wouldn't be betrayed by Judas....she'd be betrayed by LORNA.
Tuesday, January 3, 1978
When I got home from the office I made a lot of phone calls, then walked over to Halston’s to pick up Bianca, she was cooking like a Puerto Rican, and she had the whole house smelled up with onions and hamburgers, she had them out on the counter. We cabbed up to 86th Street ($2.75) and we finally hit Saturday Night Fever at the right time and were able to get in. Well, the movie was just great. That bridge thing was the best scene—and the lines were great. It’s I guess the new kind of fantasy movie, you’re supposed to stay where you are. The old movies were things like Dead End and you had to get out of the dead end and make it to Park Avenue and now they’re telling you that it’s better off to stay where you are in Brooklyn—to avoid Park Avenue because it would just make you unhappy. It’s about people who would never even think about crossing the bridge, that’s the fantasy. And they played up Travolta’s big solo dance number, but then at the end they made the dance number with the girl so nothing, so underplayed. They were smart. And New York looked so exciting, didn’t it? The Brooklyn Bridge and New York. Stevie Rubell wants to do a disco movie, but I don’t think you could do another one, this one was so great. But why didn’t they do it as a play first? What was this first, a short story? They should have milked it—done it as a play first and it would have run forever.
Bianca fell asleep. Somewhere in the theater we found Dr. Giller. But he had related to the movie so well that he wanted to see it again, so we left him there and went back to Halston’s
Halston and Bianca were in the kitchen together cooking, and he said he had so much energy he wanted to go dancing. He told me lots of gossip—he said that the night before when the doorbell rang it was Liza Minnelli. Her life’s very complicated now. Like she was walking down the street with Jack Haley her husband and they’d run into Martin Scorsese who she’s now having an affair with, and Marty confronted her that she was also having an affair with Baryshnikov and Marty said how could she. This is going on with her husband, Jack Haley, standing there! And Halston said that it was all true, and he also said that Jack Haley wasn’t gay. You see? I was right, I didn’t think so. Halston said Jack likes Liza but that what he really goes for is big curvy blonde women. So when the doorbell rang the night before, it was Liza in a hat pulled down so nobody would recognize her, and she said to Halston, “Give me every drug you’ve got.” So he gave her a bottle of coke, a few sticks of marijuana, a Valium, four Quaaludes, and they were all wrapped in a tiny box, and then a little figure in a white hat came up on the stoop and kissed Halston, and it was Marty Scorsese, he’d been hiding around the corner, and then he and Liza went off to have their affair on all the drugs.
There would be no resurrection, just a whole lotta "comebacks"!
She would have been baptized in the River Hudson by the prophet Kay Thompson.
Godspell would be ten times better.
No crucifixes as necklaces, but jewelry by Liza!
Great theological arguments would center over whether or not Liza and Eloise were two divine entities or one.
Water wouldn't need to be turned into wine. Water would be wine.
R103 owes me a new keyboard. Mine now has small bits of partially-chewed pizza between the keys.
It would have gone nowhere because once she realized she could turn water into wine, she would just get drunk and do nothing else.
SHE would have worn the Crown of Thorns, rather than IT wearing HER!
"Western" society would be matriarchal, and men would be prostitutes for women more than the other way around. Women would be the pursuers and select husbands. Brothers would work for their sisters until approx. the Industrial Revolution. Men would currently be fighting for equal pay and the right to buy condoms and have vasectomies/not father children that they don't want.
Lorna would be even more jealous.
Joe would like white and gold.
Still laughing from yesterday at r44.
"Sensational are the poor in spirit..."
"Sensational are the peacemakers..."
R52 wins, tho it was closhe
The National Anthem would be Judy's version of Battle Hymn of the Republic...