How Would Christianity Be Different if Liza was Jesus

Go.

You mean she isn't?
When taking communion you'd get a full glass of wine, not just a tiny sip.
The Last Supper would be attended by Halston.
There would be countless Renaissance portraits of Judy Garland.
Children would be taught Bob Fosse moves in Sunday school.
There would be a church in Orlando named, "JUDY! Queen of the Universe!"
http://maryqueenoftheuniverse.org/
The signature miracle would be the turning of water into vodka.
The Pope would wear tight t-shirts and crotchless chaps.
On Ash Wednesday, you'd get a smudge of Bolivian blow on your forehead.
"Hail Judy, full of drugs, Liza spewed from Thee..."
Raising Momma from the dead would be the signature miracle
Instead of a last supper, we'd have a last night @ Radio City.
There'd be no more talk about the mother being a virgin.
The battle for the Holy Land would be centered in New Yooooork, New Yoooooooork.
David Gest would be the richer by thirty pieces of silver.
Judy would have been visited by the three Weissmanns--Herbert, Sylvia and little Arnie.
Talk about a come back!
The Resurrection would open at Carnegie Hall, $300 a pop.
The books of the New Testament would be a series of live recordings.
Liza would have THE most fabulous apostles.
"on the third day she rose from the dead for another comeback at the Palace."
Georgia would be one of the apostles.
Hi%2C%20Georgia%21
Scorsese would have given her the lead in 'The Last Temptation of Christ.'
The Crucifixion would be a scathing review in the Post.
Liturgy vestments would be called "boyfriend jackets."
It would be called the Lasht Shupper.
Shouldn't the question be "if Liza were Jesus" instead of "if Liza was Jesus." Just wondering.
Boy friend BLAZERS, you FANTASTIC APOSTLE at R25. Nowdo your pennance by praing in front of the sequin-covered basillca.
Christianity was founded on control of women. It would have never happened in the first place.
All the church hymns would be by Kander & Ebb! "That's Liza with a Z not List with a S for S is SATAN!"
Zak%2C%20an%20apostle%20in%20the%20Church%20of%20Liza%20with%20a%20Z
And on the third day she rose again from a blackout Ascended to cold porcelain and sharteth on the right side of the seat
She'd turn the water into vodka
She would rise from the grave, belting, "Maybe this time I'll be lucky...."
This thread is funnier than I expected
I get my DREAMS from Our Father who Art in Heaven, but my DRIVE from my mother!
Three words: Peter Allen Magdalene.
The three wise men bring: gold, frankincense and sequins!
The catechism would be replaced by the exortation, "Do it for Mama!"
Andy Warhol would have sold Turin Shroud screenprints.
%27Limited%20Edition%27%20of%2010%2C000
Thirty talents? Thirty is NUTHIN!
The altar boys would be twenty-three year old club queens who sashay up to the altar with bitchy attitude.
Straight men would watch musicals.
[quote]Turin Shroud screenprints Talk about a redundancy.
The word "blessed" throughout the Beatitudes would be replaced by "sensational."
Marrying a gay man would be the norm.
"Vestments, People! All eyes are on me, but my eyes are stuck with you. Let's keep them happy!"
Pilgrims from around the globe would head for the site of Studio 54.
We would all think her name was Jeshush.
Joe%20Mama
It would totally ruin my favorite story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. And that would be a pity, because for the moment, it is my only story about Tallulah Bankhead at St. Patrick's cathedral. Surely there cannot have been many occasions to chronicle. But if Liza had been Jesus, perhaps there would have been. That's what I think about, sometimes.
"The other day, someone said to me, 'Lisa, love the hat!' And I said, 'Thanks! But the name is Jesus, not Lisa; and this isn't a hat, it's my halo!'"
About the woman taken in adultery: "He that is without shin among you, let him casht the firsht shtone at her." To the woman taken in adultery: "Go, and shin no more."
It would have been even easier for Christianity to replace Judy-ism.
"When my baby smiles at me I go to Heaven..."
All of the hymns would be written by Kander and Ebb.
Fox News would be covering "The War on Cabaretmas".
Dancing and gay male sex would be sacraments. Music in churches would be better.
That cross would've been made by some fabulous designer.
Lloyd Webber's breakthrough musical would have been "Liza M Superstar."
[quote]Shouldn't the question be "if Liza were Jesus" instead of "if Liza was Jesus." Just wondering. R27. Yes! When using the word "if," the auxiliary verb should be the plural form, meaning you must use "were" not "was." Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus.
OP, please take note.
We'd have to ring them bells; We'd have to ring them bells....
Vincente Minnelli would have directed "The Greatest Story Ever Told."
Sermons would reference "The Parable of Elsie."
All the priests would have been ga...oh wait.
Judas would have been named Lorna.
"Correct usuage: How would Christianity be different if Liza WERE Jesus." Grammar Nazis should spell check
Services would conclude with the collection plate passed around while the organist plays "Money."
Churches would allow smoking.
dumbest thread ever
I like royal blue.
Joey
Well, look at Christopher Hitchens at R68!
I am happy we got this were and was thing figured out.
Yes, R71, so is I.
Mass would start with, "Gather around, I've got a story to tell..."
Sigmata would consist of long, black, spidery eyelashes.
BC = Before Cabaret AD = After Drugs
Pontius%20Pilot
Men would have to have the babies. Think about that.
How high were you when you posted this question, OP? I'll have what you're having.
Instead of dying for our sins, she's find our sins to die for!
"I just started working with clay" would be a powerful mantra.
https%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DZ4udMQBtMzc
Around%20the%202%20minute%20mark
When burly mechanic and truck driver types got upset they'd scream LIZA H MINNELLI
The Eucharistic host would be made from Cream ... of CHHHWHEAT!
Our%20Lady%20of%20the%20Pigleh%20Wigleh
Lorna Luft would be Judas.
Ann Miller would be the patron saint of hoarders.
And Esther Williams patron saint of swimming pools.
Grace Khelly would suffer a shtroke and die in a horrific car crash for shtealing Mama's Ohscar.
Call and response at the end of service... Pastor: You are my mentor. Congregation: You are my mentor, too.
The holy spirit would be rubbing alcohol
The confessional booths would be staffed by reporters from The National Enquirer.
This would be my Christmas card.
http%3A//www.officiallizaminnelli.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Judy++Liza+7-244x300.jpg
So Liza walks into a hotel, hands the clerk three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
So many funny ones here, how did the Halston one get W&W? Am I missing something from that "joke"?
R75 wins the whole thread.
Bet thread in a long while. Thanks, fellash!
Tony Danza would be Pope Detoxus VII.
She wouldn't be betrayed by Judas....she'd be betrayed by LORNA.
Frances%20Gumm
Hi R91. Tuesday, January 3, 1978 When I got home from the office I made a lot of phone calls, then walked over to Halston’s to pick up Bianca, she was cooking like a Puerto Rican, and she had the whole house smelled up with onions and hamburgers, she had them out on the counter. We cabbed up to 86th Street ($2.75) and we finally hit Saturday Night Fever at the right time and were able to get in. Well, the movie was just great. That bridge thing was the best scene—and the lines were great. It’s I guess the new kind of fantasy movie, you’re supposed to stay where you are. The old movies were things like Dead End and you had to get out of the dead end and make it to Park Avenue and now they’re telling you that it’s better off to stay where you are in Brooklyn—to avoid Park Avenue because it would just make you unhappy. It’s about people who would never even think about crossing the bridge, that’s the fantasy. And they played up Travolta’s big solo dance number, but then at the end they made the dance number with the girl so nothing, so underplayed. They were smart. And New York looked so exciting, didn’t it? The Brooklyn Bridge and New York. Stevie Rubell wants to do a disco movie, but I don’t think you could do another one, this one was so great. But why didn’t they do it as a play first? What was this first, a short story? They should have milked it—done it as a play first and it would have run forever. Bianca fell asleep. Somewhere in the theater we found Dr. Giller. But he had related to the movie so well that he wanted to see it again, so we left him there and went back to Halston’s Halston and Bianca were in the kitchen together cooking, and he said he had so much energy he wanted to go dancing. He told me lots of gossip—he said that the night before when the doorbell rang it was Liza Minnelli. Her life’s very complicated now. Like she was walking down the street with Jack Haley her husband and they’d run into Martin Scorsese who she’s now having an affair with, and Marty confronted her that she was also having an affair with Baryshnikov and Marty said how could she. This is going on with her husband, Jack Haley, standing there! And Halston said that it was all true, and he also said that Jack Haley wasn’t gay. You see? I was right, I didn’t think so. Halston said Jack likes Liza but that what he really goes for is big curvy blonde women. So when the doorbell rang the night before, it was Liza in a hat pulled down so nobody would recognize her, and she said to Halston, “Give me every drug you’ve got.” So he gave her a bottle of coke, a few sticks of marijuana, a Valium, four Quaaludes, and they were all wrapped in a tiny box, and then a little figure in a white hat came up on the stoop and kissed Halston, and it was Marty Scorsese, he’d been hiding around the corner, and then he and Liza went off to have their affair on all the drugs.
Andy%20Warhol
There would be no resurrection, just a whole lotta "comebacks"!
She would have been baptized in the River Hudson by the prophet Kay Thompson.
Godspell would be ten times better.
No crucifixes as necklaces, but jewelry by Liza!
Great theological arguments would center over whether or not Liza and Eloise were two divine entities or one.
Water wouldn't need to be turned into wine. Water would be wine.
you would see this hanging in every home
http%3A//worldofwonder.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/photo-1.jpg
R103 owes me a new keyboard. Mine now has small bits of partially-chewed pizza between the keys.
It would have gone nowhere because once she realized she could turn water into wine, she would just get drunk and do nothing else.
SHE would have worn the Crown of Thorns, rather than IT wearing HER!
"Western" society would be matriarchal, and men would be prostitutes for women more than the other way around. Women would be the pursuers and select husbands. Brothers would work for their sisters until approx. the Industrial Revolution. Men would currently be fighting for equal pay and the right to buy condoms and have vasectomies/not father children that they don't want.
Lorna would be even more jealous. Joe would like white and gold.
Still laughing from yesterday at r44. "Sensational are the poor in spirit..." "Sensational are the peacemakers..."
R52 wins, tho it was closhe
Azil
The National Anthem would be Judy's version of Battle Hymn of the Republic...
http%3A//youtu.be/U-rW6Y5IRUI
The holy trinity would consist of 'the ice, the slice, and the holy spirit'
Favorite thread ever.
The disciples would all be members of The Lollipop Guild.
Thank you R22 - the best laugh I have had in a long time!
[quote]Ann Miller would be the patron saint of hoarders. And the gifts of the Magi would include karn con holders.
Nuns' habits would be replicas of her "Mein Herr" costume.
The three wise men would be the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe....
Mama%27s%20singing%20again%21
Actually, R118, I think that the three wisemen would have been Roger Edens, Harold Arlen and Arthur Freed, with Kay Thompson omitted only for reasons of gender.
Instead of throwing the money-changers out of the temple, she'd have led them in a chorus of "Money Makes the World Go Round."
If the Three Wise Men had been Frank, Dean and Sammy, Pontius Pilate would've been whacked.
The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel would have been painted by Joe Eula.
The Holy Grail by Elsa Peretti for Tiffany&Co.
R121, Sammy gave up Christianity and became a Jew. Liza would have been devastated. R 122, do you really believe that Joe Eula thought about painting while on his back?
Liza collapses a third time.
The Devil would look an awful like Louis B. Mayer.
Zak%20with%20a%20Z
You'd keep your Bible on the coffee table.
My gold lamé dress from Hit the Deck would be on display at the Cathedral at Chartres.
Ann%20Miller
If Liza was Jesus that would make Judy God?
[quote]If Liza was Jesus that would make Judy God? No, it would make her the Madonna. Instead of Ave Maria, the faithful would show their devotion by singing Swanee.
Louise Veronica Ciccone would be known as... Louise Veronica Ciccone.
"The Agony and the Ecstasy" would have been about the life of Mark Gero.
Good Friday would be Fabulous Friday.
We'd all gather 'round the Christmas tree and sing "Losing My Mind."
LOL r132, that took me a minute.
Instead of saying grace over a hearty meal we would say it over pills and liquor.
A man
Truman Capote as Judas Iscariot
St. Patrick's Cathedral would be on Broadway and it would cost a hundred bucks to light a candle.
Somehow I would imagine the Immaculate Conception would be pretty much true.
Preparation for the priesthood would include dance lessons in Jazz and Tap.
Every church would be very happy-clappy.
"Liza with a Z" would replace the "Our Father".
"Liza with a 'Z'" would replace the "Our Father".
People would refer to "the Virgin Judy" without snickering.
Betty Ford Clinic would be renamed Bethlehem.
Satan would be a synonym for Streisand.
In a parallel universe Liza IS the christ.
Stephen%20Hawking
In hotel rooms The Bible would be in the mini-bar.
during the communion ceremony you would get a puff of cigarette instead of a wafer
The communion wafers are Quaaludes.
And at the time of your death, you will find yourself standing in judgement before Steve Rubell.
I'm sorry, but some of these just crack me up ! Keep em coming!
In "The Twelve Days of Christmas," "six geese a-laying" would be replaced with "a shixshpack of Schlitzsh."
And you'd stand under the mistletoe if you want to get fucked.
Here you go, r153.
http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D0hFb-vepuM8
Oops. I'm on the 9th day of Christmas.
http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D0hFb-vepuM8
r155
The Vatican would be home to Saint Chita's Cathedral.
If Liza was Jesus I'd jump in the air And give all my toe-shoes to you. I'd get all those hair ribbons out of my hair, And once and for all I'd get . . . Hey, I like blue!
Joey%20Luft
Nun habits would consist of: black velvet halter top, black sequined tap shorts, bowler hat, necklace, garter belt, fishnet stockings, and lace-up boots.
My%20God%2C%20it%27s%20enough%20to%20drive%20a%20girl%20into%20a%20convent.
[quote]Nun habits would consist of: black velvet halter top, black sequined tap shorts, bowler hat, necklace, garter belt, fishnet stockings, and lace-up boots. And topped with boyfriend jackets.
R151, it's been pretty well established that Steve Rubell thought of himself as Saint Peter.
Forty days in the wilderness would be an Inpatient Treatment Program at Betty Ford Center.
Uh, what do you mean by IF?
gay%20men%20everywhere
"Maybe This Time, I'll Live" would be sung on Good Friday.
The Stations of the Cross would be a musical with all the cast...er, people dressed in sequins, and there would totally be a reprise!
She would have resurrected Elsie. "What good is rotting alone in your tomb, come here the mushic play..."
A grilled cheese sandwich bearing the likeness of Liza Minnelli would sell on eBay for $28,000.
Judy Garland would star as herself in MGM's all-singing, all-dancing TECHNICOLOR production of "Song of Bernadette."
Easter Parade would have been a Cecil B. DeMille biblical epic.
There would be a controversial Christian organization called "Jews for Liza".
Jezus ... with a Z!
It would certainly be more difficult to argue certain elder gays make too much of Judy.
Instead of wafers and wine, communion would consist of valium and vodka. Instead of making the Sign of the Cross, Jazz Hands!!!
The%20Body%20of%20Liza%20Compels%20Me%21
Instead of turning water into wine, her first miracle would have been making a star out of Lorna Luft.
Halston would have designed The Shroud of Turin.
Apocrypha would be a disco bar she passed out in wearing a silver pantsuit and a black bra for a blouse.
The four evangelists all would be named Bruce.
It would finally be recognized that, no, of course Vincente Minelli was not her biological father.
She would have cleared the agents out of the lobby of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.
Well, in addition to being scourged at the pillar and crowned with thorns - being stoned!
Instead of spending her last night at the Garden of Olives, she would have spent it at the Olive Garden.
Her scene in CABARET where she returns home after her father didn't show up would have had special poignancy.
David Gest = Mary Fagdalene?
The Our Father would be the Our Mama.
The Resurrection would be known as The Comeback.
It would have taken more than three days for her to rise after her good Friday night.
1.
http%3A//art.thewalters.org/images/art/thumbnails/pl9_37475_fnt_sl_x78.jpg
2.
http%3A//vintageinspiredclothing.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/judy-garland-and-baby-liza-minelli-happy.jpeg
Ascension Thursday would be the day she got up before 3 p.m.
Her getting nailed would not have been a one-time occurrence.
The Frank Sinatra recording of "New York, New York" would be banned for being heretical.
Mary wouldn't be a virgin.
The Three Wise Men would have brought vodka, coke, and Marlboros.
Vestments for Mass on the Feast of St. Joey would be blue. For the Nativity of Liza, vestments would be black and of an embarrassingly short length if the main celebrant is over 60.
Instead of feeding the multitude with a modest number of loaves and fishes, she would miraculously provide the crowd with an endless supply of bugle beads and lip gloss.
All the hymns would be called "hers!" and all of them would be written by Peter Allen.