There seems to be two philosophies on this: 1) cut off contact (antagonistic or neutral), or 2) maintain an active friendship.
I don't see how you could maintain an active friendship with an ex unless you either wanted them back (and were using the 'active friendship' to work towards that goal), or had never really been that in to them in the first place.
All different. Cut one off completely, am cordial but distant with two, and have a good friendship with one. We went through a lot and understand a few things that others don't.
Another vote for "all different." It always depends on the ex--how we broke up, and whether I was interested in him just for sex (in which case we rarely stay in touch) or was genuinely interested in his intelligence and personality (in which case we usually stay in touch).
Yes, R2 and R3, but what is your post-dating philosophy? Some people actively seek to cut off contact, even if the break-up wasn't a bad one - a clean start, so to speak. You two must subscribe to the first philosophy, since you actually wanted to stay friends with some of your exes. (You can adhere to the first one, and still have a crummy ex that you can't stay friends with. It doesn't mean your overall philosophy changes for every person.)
Same as R2 and R3. And to answer your question R4, all started with a clean break.
I like clean breaks myself. I may still appreciate qualities in exes, but I don't like being friends with them - I keep my distance, and even avoid them if they enter my circle somehow.
[quote]Yes, [R2] and [R3], but what is your post-dating philosophy?
I have no particular one. I treat my exes as individuals.
You actually do, R3. Your philosophy is to treat each relationship on a case-by-case basis.
Pretty much all but the two most recent.
The last one was a 10 year bitch of a relationship. She treated me like shit then wanted to be 'friends' and refused to discuss anything meaningful about why we broke up, i.e. "let's just pretent it never happened". I cut her off.
The other I am polite with but our politeness is a thin facade we both keep up for pretense. She tried to friend me on facebook. She's vain and egotistical and thinks she broke my heart, but I really just want to tell her to fuck off because she's a fucking idiot. It's kinda funny actually.
The only ex that I have maintained a friendship with is a man that seems to make it a point to stay friends with his exes (which he has with all but one.)
Were it up to me - done is done - but he actively pursued the friendship and when all is said and done he is an interesting, smart, complex, funny, creative, kind and caring person. The kind of person I would seek to have as a friend.
Relationship = 4 years.
Friendship = 18 years.
My ex and I got together when he was 19 and I was 20. Too young and immature. We had 7 years of drama and cheating on both sides. Luckily we ended up as friends. My parents are crazy about him and would be pretty upset if he was not around. His current partner and I have become bff's. It's pretty sickening how happy it all turned out.
I keep one ex as a friend although we do not see each other often. Very mature and responsible -- feel safer knowing he is in my life although at something of a distance.
Two exes and friends with both. One was my first serious boyfriend. He and I have been friends for 22 years with varying degrees of contact. My other ex I was with for 14 years and so far is the love of my life. We stayed friends for years. We had a hard time moving on from each other. We can never be in a relationship again because we bring out the worst in each other and too much bad history. We still get along but he has a serious boyfriend now and we don't talk much anymore. When we do talk, he unloads all kinds of stuff. I get the impression his new boyfriend is not a good listener, which he has hinted at a few times.
My 4 previous exes (over 15 years) have been cut off...mostly because they cheated/lied/stole. Why would I want a person like that as a friend afterwards?
Just broke up with a short term (9 months)after being single for 8 years (he turned out to have Asperger's which made the relationship difficult). I'd like to remain friends, but am finding it difficult to deal with the change in lifestyle of not having him around. I believe I will try to start it up again against all better judgement out of loneliness.
Are you 12 years old op?
I did not kill or maim any of them.
My idea of post-relationship friendship is to refrain from bad mouthing them - except on anonymous boards.
That was weak and sad, R15. At least an educated teen can use commas appropriately. What's your excuse?
I think R13 deserves a hug ((((())))).
Ex # 1: I wanted to stay friends with him but the guy I dated after we broke up discouraged me because he felt threatened and knew I was still fucked up from the break-up. I have since lost all contact with him and he moved away.
Ex #2: I was with for a long time and am still friendly with him. We talk every few months on the phone and get together maybe once or twice a year. If we lived closer we probably would hang out more.
Ex #3 The most current, the longest lasting relationship and the one with the most drama. We stayed in contact and would hang out for about a year or two after the break up. A few months ago he decided that as any chance of patching things up with me was not going to happen, he was moving on and left the state to parts unknown. I now realize that I am still deeply in love with him, think about him constantly and am in the process of accepting he really is gone for good.
[quote]I don't see how you could maintain an active friendship with an ex unless you either wanted them back (and were using the 'active friendship' to work towards that goal), or had never really been that in to them in the first place.
^This. That's the way I feel. And I think it will just cause problems later on down the road.
[quote]We had 7 years of drama and cheating on both sides. Luckily we ended up as friends. My parents are crazy about him and would be pretty upset if he was not around. His current partner and I have become bff's.
That's pretty twisted. But hey, whatever works for you.
I'm friends with all three of them. The most passionate one turned out to be my best friend.