Happy New Year from me, Bea Benederet

Has Miss Barbara Stanwyck arrived?

Stanwyck arrived at 5:30, and within 10 minutes had locked herself in the master bath with the coral pink princess phone. She won't come out or say who she's talking to.

Oh, shit -- my prescriptions are in there.

Let us know when Hope Emerson shows up.

That's very insensitive of you, R3 -- you well know that poor Hope died three years ago. Of course, she may still make an appearance when Thelma Ritter gets out the ouija board, later.

Did Hepburn make the deviled eggs?

And of course, as usual, Judy didn't show. That really pissed me off because she was supposed to bring the picked sausages. And then when Lucille found out Judy wasn't coming, all of the sudden she had a "wig tape emergency" and couldn't make it. But what Lucille didn't know was that Irma Kusely was sitting right next to me when she called to cancel, so I know for a fact that she made up that story.

Can someone please explain just one tiny thing this 24-year-old gay guy: Who the fuck are these people? TIA.

Hepburn DID make the deviled eggs (they were 30% celery, but the way -- cheap bitch). but of course La Katherine wouldn't deign to actually attend the party, so she sent the platter over with George Cukor. Uhg.

Is that Uncle Joe? He's a movin' kinda slow!

A drunk Zasu Pitts made a pass at a server...

Spring Byington and Beulah Bondi getting blotto in the corner.

Elvia Allman is in the kitchen, washing up plates and emptying ashtrays. She gets so shy at these things.

Thanks to this thread, I think we may need to come up with a term for those posters who are too old to be classified as "eldergay." What do you bitches think of "homofossil"?

What say we drive out to Helen Hayes' place and moon her in her own back yard? We'll throw pebbles at her bedroom window first. Alice Pearce says she knows which one it is.

If I get too drunk, Rose Marie offered to drive me home.

At the stroke of midnight, Fran Ryan flashed her cooch on top of the baby grand while singing "Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive".

Isadora left early with some young stud. I tried to tell her that scarf clashed with her outfit...

Shirley Booth ran out the door the minute the deviled eggs were finished, farting with every step.

Bea, you DID invite Elsa Maxwell, didn't you?

Kaye Ballard and Rose Marie? Last I heard, they were still here.

While his wife went to the bathroom Adolphe Menjou was flirting with Anne Shirley...

Coral Browne brought the most delightful hors d'oeuvres. Lord, that Vincent can cook!

OP, are you telling us something about Shirley Booth most of us don't know?

Is Joan Blondell still there? Still passed out?

Oh, look! Nancy Kulp arrived in her bird-watching outfit with Katleen Freeman in tow.

Kathleen always looks so fetching with her hair wrapped up in concentric braids.

Norma Varden, here.

Has anyone seen my tiara?

Damn it, Bea! Charlotte Greenwood just kicked me in the head! Again!

Now, wait a minute....is that Doris Singleton or Doris Packer?

That drunk, slovenly Barbara Pepper was chatting with me, then belched so violently chunks of that awful Jell-o Aspic flew all over my new dress. I knew I shouldn't have come!

By midnight Charlotte Greenwood was doing that stupid dance of hers and kicked Agnes Moorehead's Golden Globe off the mantel.

I think it was totally unfair to make Hattie McDaniel and Butterfly McQueen to stay in the kitchen washing dishes.

Elder gay shit.

Old ladies + Schlitz + deviled eggs = a whole ness of methane. No open flames, ladies!

yes, R32, it is. And far funnier than anything you babygays have posted lately.

Alice Ghostly, Pauly Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly just showed up. Damn I know I am stoned, but it is confusing to identify which one them is talking.

I'm not one of these guys who yells eldergay at everythread, but come on. I had to Google everyone in OP's post.

Then you're an idiot, R36.

My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.

No, you're the idiot R36. Cultural literacy is knowing the great painters, the great musicians, the great architects. Everyone you've mentioned is some supporting character in some 1950s sitcom. Learn the difference.

Fuck you, R39. I have a Best Actress Oscar, Tony and Emmy. I WAS NEVER SUPPORTING.

Whoa, Reta, go easy on the rumaki! Take some and leave some!

Would someone please get Tyrone Power off the coffee table? And get the maid in here with some Lysol!

R40 Unfortunately, neither was your bra, dear.

Franklin, dear, Maria Ouspenskaya's bathtub vodka doubles marvelously as a disinfectant. I should know -- I just used some to clean up the trail of sick Patsy Kelly left on the patio.

R2, I think she was talking to Shirley Eder...

Where's Thelma Ritter?

Was that Hattie sneaking up the back kitchen stairs, who was that woman with her.

Bumming a Salem from Iris Adrian in the kitchen.

Marian Martin just put a call out for some Chop Suey.

Can you believe it?

46 posts and nobody has even noticed I'm here!

Viv! How's tricks? Cop a squat and have a mai tai!

Will someone tell Glenda Farrell to stop leaving her goddamn chewed up Wrigley's on the coffee table?

R48 Hey, Viv! Join us over here! We're having a "Lucy's Sidekicks Club" meeting.

Louise Beavers need to quit with the Bogartin', yo. Puff-puff-give!

Such folderall!

Does anyone under the age of 95 know who these people are? Is there a gay board I can go to that discusses entertainment relevant to those of us under 25?

Try anyone under 40 r54.

R54, don't you have some new Grindr pics to post?

OK, r55, maybe this is the time for gaylings like me and borderline eldergays like you to form an alliance to keep out the rocking chair and denture set.

I love going to parties. Nobody knows me...until I open my mouth!!!

And why should they be kept out, R54/R57? I'm sure that more of them pay their annual membership fees here than your ilk does.

R54, is this the only thread that appears when you visit DL?

According to trolldar, R54/R57 is the creator of this awful thread, a pathetic EST about a drunk nephew:

R51 Sorry we were late. We had to rescue Lucy from another disaster.

R61, R54/R57 is to busy trying to get his nephew's armpit sweat out of his upholstery. And yet he still wants us to believe he is "under 25".

Bea, darling, if Maria O. is swilling the vodka and bummin' ciggies, I hope you have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand. Girl gets REALLY careless!

Maxene Andrews just pedaled up. Why does she need that cane for - I saw her cutting wood last week. Ohhhhh - she's pissed Nancy Kulp didn't take that ride in her rumble seat, like she offered.

And Ethel Merman called and wants to know why the fuck she keeps getting invited to these parties. She said if she wanted to eat tuna she'd open a can.

Good heavens, ladies! Crack a window! This joint stinks to the high heavens!

And just WHOSE bright idea was it to invite Flo Foster Jenkins? Sounds like cats fuckin'!

I'll just sit here in the corner nursing my Brandy Alexander. Has anyone seen Lynette Winter or Marge Redmond?

Thank goodness Ann B. Davis is (still) around to clean up after everyone.

[quote] Thank goodness Ann B. Davis is (still) around to clean up after everyone.

She won't leave the convent!

Would anyone like any of this delicious bread pudding I brought?

Who wants to tell Jinx Falkenburg there's no alcohol in Downey fabric softener?

I see Cindy Lou Fucking Who showed up.

Mary Wickes and Marjorie Main have been in the bathroom together for a very long time. Maybe I should go check on them?

Gaaaary....Gaaaary! Get off your dead ass and go out to the car and get me another pack of Chesterfields. And hurry the fuck up, I haven't had one in almost 10 minutes! Useless bum.

Can I get you girls anything?

Frances Farmer is leaving and will drop anyone off who's brave enough to ride with her.

[quote] Frances Farmer is leaving and will drop anyone off who's brave enough to ride with her.

Is she driving the Edsel again?

It's DAME Judith Anderson, if you don't mind. And, YES, it is denim. Now, kiss me. And, yes, DAME Flora Robson shall watch.

Mary and I are leaving now, but I hope Charlie's not driving again.

There are only a few of these people I haven't heard of, but I was there when fire was created...

Well, Bea, we're the people! And tell Connie Gilchrist to stop shouting "BINGO!"

Saints preserve us!

Oh shit. Is Judy Anderson going on with that Dame crap again?

This is the most DELIGHTFUL party I've been to since my dear Flo shed the earthly coil!

Nuts?

Shall I sing another aria, dears? How about the Queen of the Night's aria from The Magic Flute?

Gather "round the piano everybody. Bea benaderet, Bea Arthur and Bea Lillie are going to sing. Ira Gershwin is going to play for them. Marvin Hamlish wanted to, but hey, it's Gershwin. Oh come on Marvin, stop sulking.

I love a good party.

Does anyone else find all these references to eldergays tiresome?

I caught Frances Bavier tootin' up a storm over at the punchbowl a little while ago and let me tell you, it smelled like something had crawled up inside of her and died. I offered her the last of my Di-gel tablets I had in my purse but I guess that upset her and she told me where to go then stormed off fighting tears.

Darlings! Thank goodness I found you. Was just at this tiresome shindig at Ida Lupino's place. Just horrible mood, but how could it not be? First of all--it's at IDA LUPINO's. A dreadful place if ever there was one. Secondly, she had to tell her story. You know--THAT one. The one about how she was raped as a child. In her driveway. She got all pissy with me when I said, "Ida, how horrible for you. That must have been quite painful. All that gravel. . ."

I'd love a cocktail, thank you dear! I've just come from the most AWFUL party! They were serving daiquiris made with HONEY!

Oh, good Lord. Maudie Prickett and Irene Tedrow are scissoring in the guest bedroom.

Who is that woman fisting Spring Byington's cooze?

Is that dear, dear Louella up on a stepladder, peering over the hedge into our garden?

Peeing, not peering ROSE!

Sorry I'm late, dears. Cary and Randy wanted to show me their new beach house...

OK I'll play along. Sharon Lawrence and Sherry Stringfield are in the kitchen hurling candy corn into Megan Mullaley's cleavage. Will they suffice? I'm to young to have watched these actresses in their shows during the first run, so I only know them from the reruns.

Ran into Peg Entwhistle in front of Musso & Frank. Said she try and stop by after she dropped something off near the Hollywood sign.

Catering was provided by Mary Grace Canfield Catering and Drywall Services.

There's one man here. Katherine Hepburn

R99, the adults are here, you can go down to your home in the basement.

Eve Arden better put a cork in it! She's not as wry as she thinks! Or is that stinks?

Think again, r102!

Fatty asked me for a ride home I said NO thank you very much...

Marjorie Bennett and Minerva Urecal are doing Jello shots on the patio? Do they have a designated driver?

Betty Lynn, Hope Summers, Elinor Donahue anI just got back from Andy Griffith's memorial service.

[106]-Fatty Arbuckle did in Virginia Rappe, not the Black Dahlia. I know that and I'm a Frau from Oklahoma City.

Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?

Elsa Lancaster here, does anyone care?

I'm up for a showtune or two!

Will someone please rub my sore tootsies?

I thought we agreed beforehand no one would ask Margaret Truman to sing!

Edna May Oliver is telling that "I banged Clark Gable" story again. I'll bet he sat on her face just so he wouldn't have to look at it.

Has anyone seen my date Cosmo McMoon? Last I saw he was headed into the garden with Jules Munshin.

Is Hattie McDaniel coming?

Yes, I know she is here. I asked if she is coming. It was that or an earthquake.

And why are all these non-Sapphic interlopers standing around? You'd thing they never saw plush carpets matched with short drapes before.

You know, I blame this all on my high school World History teacher, Mr. W. I left his class the only 13 year old boy who knew who Mary Miles Minter was. What kind of a chance for a decent life did I have after that!

Hey! Judy Canova says they're out of cigs out under the carport!

Wouldn't Ethel Merman fit in at such a bash? Busy? Not invited?

Claire Trevor wants to know if Lizabeth Scott made it before midnight....

The Merm spoke at R65. She simply does not get our tastes, and the only sure way to shut her up is to call her "mannish."

I am ready for my strip tease. No, I don't belong here as a guest, but I accepted the gig as my first paid job in 74 years.

But if you want to see the skin come off, too, you have to pay extra.

Mercedes De Acosta just took the dump of the century in the second floor powder. Apparently when she eats pussy she really eats pussy.

Wut about Mary Martin? She seemed so ... lipstick to me. Or is that another get-together?

HOW OLD ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Mary was accounted for at r80.

I ain't missin' out on NO free booze!

But Charlie Farrell wasn't driving, r80. They were in a taxi cab.

Damn you people are fucking lame.

And R129 Janet was married to the divine designer Adrian.

I, BTW, was married to the divine designer Jean Louis, but I wouldn't be caught dead at this party....

Meh. This might turn me off the datalounge permanently and I'm no spring chicken myself.

Don't go in the pool house. Mary Treen and Margaret Hamilton are having a three-way with the new cabana boy.

When is that stinkfish Lana Turner getting here? We have heard that Tyrone Power has sizemeat and must ask her for verificatia.

OK, ladies--who's up for one of my famous Tuna Tacos?

It looks like Minna Gombell and Ruth Hussey carpooled again this year. But Nedra Volz and Judith Lowry had to take the shortbus from the "home." Did Arlene Francis make it?

Arlene shared a cab with Dorothy Kilgallen.

Has anyone seen Elizabeth Allan?

R135 Bitch, you stole my recipe!

Did anyone remember to invite Peggy Wood and Cuntface?

[quote]if Maria O. is swilling the vodka and bummin' ciggies, I hope you have plenty of fire extinguishers on hand. Girl gets REALLY careless!

For God's sake, keep her away from me!

[quote]We have heard that Tyrone Power has sizemeat and must ask her for verificatia.

Lana wouldn't know. Check with Errol Flynn - he can confirm it for you.

I can't believe Linda, Lori, Merideth, Jeannine, Pat AND Gunilla showed up. Bea was all class and didn't say a word about that biTch June not showing up...

FYI ladies, Kate Smith was just in the bathroom for 20 minutes. You DON'T want to go in there for a while, if you know what I mean.

Frances Farmer just ate a sofa cushion. And I'm the cunt to broadcast it.

[quote]And I'm the cunt to broadcast it.

You won't get an argument from me on that point, dear.

and thread closed....

Well, ain't this a kick in the cunt! All the ladies have a party and don't invite me!

Good thing I don't think anything about crashing a good party.

The slight was deliberate, Connie.

Jack Carson and Robert Wagner were in the bathroom together for a long time. Hmmm...

I saw Natalie Wood show up but the moment she saw Kirk Douglas, she fled the party. I wonder why???

Rosemary DeCamp is sitting in the corner, dozing. She had enough of Shirley Mitchell doing the cha cha.

Crawford! Either shit or get off the pot..you can't still be in there cleaning the damn floor with Dutch cleanser!1

SUP BETCHEZZZZZ!!!

Is someone strangling cats? Oh, it's just Jean Carson and Iris Adrian trying to sing "Auld Lang Syne."

But do I hear someone sucking on helium balloons? Oops! Sorry, it's just Mae Questel.

Oh, and Margaret D.? Please don't EVER wear Spanx again.

Jane Withers kept staring at my stumpy little arm. I demand a girl look me in the eyes when I'm fisting her with it! Otherwise, where's the magic?

Mickey Rooney tried to crash the party in drag, but Bea noticed that unlike the invited guests here there was no stubble on that chin.

I heard from Lana that he can't get it up unless he uses a gas station rest room first. I don't understand that. Do you?

This party is LADIES ONLY. Well, except for Grady Sutton, Edward Everett Horton, and Franklin Pangborn.

Oh, dear dear dear dear dear dear dear!

I just don't understand why so many men are going in pairs to the bathroom for the longest time. Clifton Webb and Monty Clift have been in there for almost a hour! I have to tinkle! Oh,dear!

Watch where you step, Spring!

I'm here to bring some glamour to this party!

The young Shirley Booth (who, like most in this thread, was probably straight).

Didja bring your karn cob holders, Annie?

Jesus Mary n' Joseph Bea, don't bother me right now while Polly Bergen is making eyes at me. I swear the next time you sneak up on me and poke me in the ribs while doing your Betty Rubble laugh I'm a gonna give ya a knuckle sandwich.

Patti Page sneaked in while no one was watching...

Just pretend there's an apple in it and start bobbing.

Oh look-- it's Penny Singleton and Arthur Lake! How about a nice Dagwood sandwich, guys?

[R157] - Wally Cox is out by the pool talking philosophy with Eartha. I could swear she was saying something about "pure trash" but her hoisting a Schlitz was a real "If my fans could see me now!" moment (not in a good way either).

Oh, thank God. Maudie Prickett is going in to clean up the bedroom.

OP is a 58 year, 310lb queen living in a small apartment with 3 cats...each with 3 word names. Really pathetic.

Ah, shut the fuck up...

I'll take "What enrages babygays?" for 310, Alex.

LOL at R170. Probably hit a nerve.

[quote] I offered her the last of my Di-gel tablets I had in my purse but I guess that upset her and she told me where to go then stormed off fighting tears.

[quote]by: Ann Miller

At least she kept her hands off of your CARN cob holders!

What's up everyone?

Oh, Christ. Once she's had a few, we'll hear that Doggie In the Window...again and again...

Any of you gals seen my golf balls?

I saw that poor poor Gail Russell sitting all by herself looking so sad. I tried to hug her but she became very uncomfortable. Oh well. I did all I could do. I'm tired of this kid's stuff. I want whiskey! Where is that waiter?

Which one of you bitches copped my cigarette holder?

R170, with his "cool and slimming" facial hair.

I said, Elsa, if you keep making that face I can't concentrate on what I'm doing. And I could hurt you. And then she made that face.

And I hurt her.

She's my maid.

(Slap)

She's my mother!

(Slap)

She's my maid!!!

(Slap)

She's my mother!!!!!!

(Slap)

SHE'S MY MAID AND MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!

Peggy Cass and Kitty Carlisle just arrived! Looks like Peggy's not gonna start that diet 'til tomorrow.

Will someone tell Cathleen Nesbitt to stop playing on the automated stair lift?

Some of these hot dogs taste like they found an interesting route to the table.

I love them!

If you'll excuse me, I need to use the powder room. Oh, wait, all done...

Bea, darling, can you put out some more deviled eggs? Marion Lorne grabbed the last one and is doing a, um, "parlor trick" with it.

God, even Rod Serling would read this thread with a sense of awe.

Well dahlings, I am here so let the party really begin! And yes, I am going "commando" tonight!

Love this thread!! And to bitch twink that doesn't know who these people are: LEARN!!!! This is your heritage! Not fucking Lady Gaga!!!

I'm driving Jud-eh home tonight. She's had too many of those damn pills again! If LB Mayer were here I would hit him on the head with a pot!

Use your hair.

Phew! Lil Tashman kissed me hello and good gravy, does her breath stink! I suspect she's been doing the lickey-split with Kay Francis again.

God, just 2 more hours til 4pm here on the east coast. That's when the Shady Pines set are wheeled into the dining hall and then lifted into their beds, and this thread comes to a crashing halt.

R193, feeling "youthful" and "sassy"

Rudy was lovely. Like an athletic girl with a slight prolapse. But, no, we never. Of course not.

Johnny tried to kiss me, and he had to pay.

Plus Mama had to use all that makeup to cover up the bruises. And you know I'm allergic to the smell of makeup.

Oh! Crab cakes!

Anyone for tennis?

And anyone know where we can find some balls around here? We don't have any at home, heaven knows.

[quote]OP is a 58 year, 310lb queen living in a small apartment with 3 cats...each with 3 word names. Really pathetic.

Nope! I'm 42, about 175 lbs (which would be an appropriate weight if I was three inches taller), living in a medium-sized apartment with no pets. Pathetic is your own opinion, so I'll leave you with that.

~~~~~~~~~~

This party has gone on much longer than I anticipated. I'm gonna make a quick Costco run for pork rinds, toilet paper and Parliaments. And I'm bringing Dressler with me because a) she's the perfect donkey, and b) if she's not watched closely, she'll drag her ass all over my wall-to-wall carpeting.

This is for you, Greta. So you know I haven't forgotten. As much as I've tried, Gott knows.

Well, all I can say is a threeway with those Gishes was more like watching a tennis game and being close enough to the court to occasionally get smacked by the ball.

If you know what I mean.

Laudy, what a mess! But as I likes to say, I'd rather play a maid than be one.

Bea, who's gonna tidy up in here?

What the fuck kind of name is Jinx Falkenburg, and who invited that bitch to the party?

This thread had promise, but it's devolved quickly and is no longer amusing.

Gott im Himmel, I had to go in the bathroom after Kate Smith got through with it! Scheizer! Maria, go to the car and get the Ajax. I can't stand to use that toilet until it's sterile.

We are Here! We are Queer! We know who Gladys Cooper and Bonita Granville are and we ARE proud of it!

Look at Alexander Woolcott in banana curls over at R203.

A party doesn't need a social critic, you ass. It needs more ice! Why don't you roll out to the tavern on the corner and get some? We won't miss you. We promise.

Jesslyn Fax is running around telling everyone she's "post-menopausal." Sure, if your definition of "post" extends to 40 years!

R207, she's referring to the size and shape of the "Lady Helper" she requires since her lovepouch turned 40.

Anyone have some Summer's Eve? I'm fresh out.

Lordy, the only saving grace about this thread is that is proves that homosexuality existed since ancient times.

Why, I was missing my dear friend Dorothy Arzner, only to find I've been sitting on her face all along!

Oh dear have I missed the party?

I sho do likes dese partiez wit all dese pretty white ladiez! Does anybody know where Tallulah done run off to? Isa gots ta axe huh somefin'.

Goodness gracious Bea. How did all of these A listers find out about your little wing ding? Just so you know, Tallulah, Merle, Irene Ryan, and Janis Page are taking the pot out in the garage. Tallulah offered me a shotgun and I shot her an eye roll.

Dear, I know Hattie. Hattie is a friend of mine. You are NOT Hattie...

214 = Mary Wickes (hastily forgot to sign my post)

Is the party still going on?

If so, I'll be right over.

Goddam it -- what day is it? Did I --? Fuck. I missed my own goddam party.

That's the last time I bum muscle relaxers off of Rosie Clooney.

Does anyone know how long 25 trays of pickled herring and rouladen can safely sit at room temperature?

...and Barbara Billingley as The Beaver.

Betty Bacall needs a cigarette.

Wow ...this thread was a CLASSIC last year, but it was deleted! How did it get resurrected?

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

We thought you had left us, Bea.

As another happy new year came and went, has your neverending house party managed to keep the fun going? And isn't it swell that all your guests are of sufficient age that there has been no embarrassing spotting of that white rug in your powder room, since of course you have no ladyplugs to provide them? After all, you're not running a bus station.

Eva Gabor did ask why you wore three wigs at a time on PETTICOAT JUNCTION.

Anne Francis was supposed to pick up Joanna Barnes at the airport and then come directly to Bea's. Anne got lost, but luckily Salome Jens lives near by and picked up Joanna and found Anne, so they all arrived on time

Lois Nettleton is on her way but is stuck in traffic. Mary Jo Catlett said she is also on her way, she finally got a cab. Beverly Sanders and Marian Mercer are waiting for Nancy Kovacks to pick them up

Carol Wayne and Audrey Landers had to go home and change clothes ,,, they showed up wearing the same dress.

Helen Gallagher is dying for someone to ask her to sing "Danny Boy."

Jan Smithers said she will be there, but if you-know-who shows up, she is out of there

Arlene Francis showed up wearing a blindfold and tried to guess who showed up.

Kitty Carlisle arrived in a ball gown, as usual.

To Tell The Truth, Peggy Cass was a hoot!

Dinah Manoff just walked in, and said that Kristy McNichol sends her regrets

Is Lady Peele aka Bea Lillie there yet??

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

I don' t think Marjorie Lord and Jean Hagan like Bea's new glass coffee table

Shelley Farbares and Prisciila Morrill are playing bridge with Sue Ane Langdon and Mary Louise Wilson

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

Why weren't Marjorie Reynolds, Betty Furness, or Marjorie Lord invited? I know that Phyllis Kirk and Gale Storm had prior engagements.

I'm 44 and this shit is ridiculous. I picture the queens participating in this to be upper middle class, white, and extremely self absorbed and sad and lonely. Add racist, sexist and self loathing. They unfortunately think this is how all gays should be. So so sad.

R236 is an insufferable bore.

Some stragglers have showed up a little late, but they brought some primo pot.

Verna Felton drove with Patsy Kelly and Zazu Pitts and Beulah Bondi and Jane Darwell filling up the car. They are a fun crowd.

I need a drink, a smoke and some ass. Just came from my bitch sister's place, and you all know what THAT means? Aline McMahon's out there, parkin' the car.

r236, any 44-year-old who goes around referring to himself as "Punk dude, hung and inked" is WAY more pathetic than some campy old queens having fun.

I took to google for some of the references, but so fucking what...once I took the time to learn a bit about a few of the main characters in this collaborative fiction I got the humor and am enjoying the thread.

Those of you complaining...the world existed long before we did and Bea Benederet was a very popular actress in her time. I just u tubed my first Petticoat Junction.

Hey! I'm here too, and I'm really not as much of a dyke as I played on TV

Hey, will some you gals help me pull Arlene Francis away from the air conditioner on that window sill?

Anita Gillette just walked in. Guess we forgot to pick her up.

Nancy Dussault arrived with Anita Gillette. I always get those two confused! There's Marjorie Bennett, Ruth McDevitt and Cheerio Meredith. Love all of them, but keep Cheerio away from the gin.

How odd that people should take the time to announce their disinterest. If I feel a scenario has nothing to offer me, I simply don't involve myself.

I said much the same to Charles when he suggested celebrating the new year in Mykonos.

Gail Fisher, Rosalind Cash and Lynne Thigpen are coming up the walkway, while Janet MacLachian parks the car

Frances Reid just showed up in leather.

Playing charades are June Lockhart, Jane Dulo, Inger Stevens, Joyce Bulifant, Angela Cartwright, Ann Morgan Guilbert, Sada Thompson, Kathleen Nolan, Sheila James, Naomi Stevens, Merry Anders and Joyce Van Patten

[quote]Frances Reid just showed up in leather.

... walkin' Lois Kibbee on a leash!

Hope Lange, Claudette Nevins, Louise Sorel and Carmen Zapata are playing ping pong in Bea's rumpus room

Sue Ane Langdon is doing the Frug on the pool table while Josephine Hull makes it rain! Go, Miss Cougar Thing!

Sheree North, there you are, you ol hooker.

Una O'Connor just motorboated Mamie Van Doren!

I'm glad no one invited Constance Ford this year. Such a Debbie Downer!

For some real fun, put Barbara Bel Geddes and Kim Stanley in the same room and ask them who Tennessee Williams thought was the better actress. Better bring some iodine to patch up the wounds. Of course, Kim will bring the alcohol.

...and Dorothy Malone as Constance MacKenzie.

I need some earplugs! I have to ride home with Mae Questel, Iris Adrian, and Jean Carson. And Florence Stanley is driving!

r112, Hildy wasn't magnificent, she was Incomparable, on stage and under the sheets.

Is Bruce here? I'm his Aunt Harriet.

Harriet Nelson, Gale Storm and Dale Evans just rode in bareback on Trigger.

Ann Sothern is going to be a little late. The Boss kept her overtime.

Thelma Todd just pulled down her pink panties after too many Pink Panty Pulldowns. I can confirm she's only "The Ice Cream Blonde" up top!

Bess Myerson wore her crown. Was that really necessary?

Ethel Merman? Ethel FUCKING Merman? I'LL tell you about Ethel fucking Merman! What a cunt-tease she is.

What the FUCK is going on here!?!

I didn't get an invitation to the party again this year. That's a kick in the cunt and a stab in the back.

This is fucking fucked up!

Well, I'm here girls! And I'm feeling horny tonight. Who wants the best lay of their lives?

Wow! Lupe Velez just let me taste her ragout and boy, was it spicy! I'm going back for seconds!

Why does Connie Ford's breath smell like Irene Dailey's balls?

Mercy! I do believe Olive Thomas has slipped some laudanum into the sarsaparilla!

Margaret Wycherly and I had to stop for some smokes and Rock and Rye. Bea is a dear, but never has Herbert Tareyton in her house.

I'm here, too!

I'm terribly sorry I'm late! Do sit. Oh Moira, give over! G&T please!

Damn that Dwayne Hickman! He told me this party was at Kristen Stewart's place. Now I've got Marjorie Main giving me "the squint".

If any of these old bags says they love Forever Spring I'm gonna hurl!

What the fuck is an Itay Hod? Sounds like pig latin for a suppository.

Hey Connie! Over here. My pussy's warm.

When Barbara Colby saw that her ex-mother-in-law was present, she did a quick 180 to exit the room. On her way out, she almost knocked over Reva Rose; luckily for Reva, Joan Hotchkiss and Gail Strickland were able to steady her/

Driving away, Barbara almost struck Amzie Strickland and Lucille Benson as they were crossing the street. Barbara's car almost sideswipe Sandra Gould's auto in which Marion Lorne and Kasey Rogers were passengers

Anne B. Davis is she still supposedly dating Sam, that butcher guy?

Awaiting WaWa Walters for her "Most Fascinating Females Dead or Alive of the Past Century" telecast.

You should have seen the dirty look Lana Wood gave Jill St. John when they ran into each other at the powder room. Stefanie Powers just giggled.

Shooting craps were Dina Merrill, Anne Revere, Ann Doran, Ann Rutherford, Karen Valentine and Sandy Duncan

Estelle Winwood is not Tallulah's best friend! I am! And I've got the scars to prove it!

OP - are you just listing your neighbors or something? Who the fuck are those people and why should we care about them being at your hovel?

Where's the booze? And the pills?

R281 = Broke her finger when her mother punched her in the nose for not cleaning the basement.

Gloria Grahame just took her bra off.

That cunt Frances Bavier keeps harassing me about my tasteful nude scene in "Rosemary's Baby."

[quote]Gloria Grahame just took her bra off.

When she gets to her panties, someone track me down. I love a dinner of week-old fish.

Give connie a 40 and a root vegetable. She'll entertain herself for hours.

Christ. Barbara Hale brought hors d'ourves again. She uses that ancient Radarange to nuke em.

Minerva Urecal and Frances Langford are bobbing for dildoes!

Stevie Nicks kicked my daughter in the bug!

Pasty Cline is standing in the middle of the living room wobbling "Crazy." Goddammit, she's become that annoying song.

Anyone want the Ronnie Reagan dildo? I need a rest!

Oh, me sainted mither! Did oye miss the parity AGAIN?

Why, oh why, wasn't Rosemary DeCamp invited? She feels so bad, she's crying over Bob Cummings picture.

Who the hell let Pamelyn Ferdin in here? We don't need any problems with jailbait! Get her out of here before Nancy Kulp sees her!

Marlene @ R204 tell her to use Bon Ami!

Totie Fields just took a shit in the backyard.

Earlier, Juliet Prowse kept floating through the room scissor-kicking and singing, "Nothing beats a great pair of L'eggs". Totie was shooting daggers across the room at her. I have a very uneasy feeling about what's about to go down.

Elder gay stuff. Nobody under 40 knows who Bea Bernadaret was, nor do they care because the 1950s and 1960s were decades before their birth and considered to be like silent movie times to the elder gays in comparison. All the 80s and 90s crowd cares about is dick and dope. They don't like or watch black & white shows of yesteryear. They don't know much about history or old movies or old TV shows. So don't waste your time trying to start up talk about old timey stars.

Arlene Dahl isn't wearing any panties.

Just caught Elizabeth Ashley rifling through my upstairs bathroom medicine cabinet. Don't believe a word that woman says, she's a LIAR.

r295 We were having a nice conversation here before you got here. Thanks for your input, but we'll continue our chat.

So, move on back to talk about AnnE, Gaga and Miley and we'll talk about the people we want to talk about.

Girls, is that Jayne Mansfield over there talking with Lana. Two bleach blondes who love to show off their tits!

WTF are you talking about R302? You have sonething against Pamelyn Ferdin?

Opps. I meant r299, not r295.

Bea certainly makes a mean Old Fashioned! I'm feeling a bit tipsy. I typed in the wrong numbers. My apologies.

And I'm feeling a burning in my loins too. Connie, can you come help me out? And bring Susan Flannery with you.

Will someone PLEASE tell that bitch Maria Montez that others need to tinky? Shit, I've been holding it for about an hour now! That Evelyn Ankers sure does make a killer Mai-Tai!

Curtains don't match the carpet, if you catch my drift, Mary r302.

If that bitch Anne "Frank Lloyd Wright Is My Grandfather" Baxter confuses me with Faye Emerson one more time, I'm going to wear her snatch like a mukluk.

I'm here, chickens! Let's get it on! Bend over ladies, I'm here for the butt buffet!

Bea honey, you throw a swell patty. Pass me one of them Schlitz in tub dear. I gotta show Virgy Mayo, Glynis Johns, and them snooty drips Jane Greer and Gloria Dehaven how I can belch to the tune of Bei Mier Bist du Schoen. Oh look at Debbie Reynolds and Cloris Leachman circling the piano while doing interlocked somersaults. Whatta scream!

Nancy Kulp and Ann B. Davis went behind the hedges in the garden more than a hour ago, and nobody's seen them since!

Wow! This was a legendary thread that I thought was long gone!

I hope I didn't miss the buffet table.

I do love egg salad. And beer.

Would someone please be nice and chat with Capucine? She's looking depressed out there on the balcony.

Mary Wickes and Marjorie Main are awfully close, aren't they?

And Faith, I agree about Evelyn's mai-tais. They go down smoother than Tyrone Power on a Filipino houseboy!

You certainly deserve a "MARY" Mary @ 302! That's not Jayne Mansfield, its Joi Lansing. I oughta know---she came with me.

This year's party is a little tense. Nancy Kulp and Kay Thompson were the first to arrive, but they haven't spoken since Nancy sold Kay that ride-on lawn mower that stopped running one week later.

On the bright side, I've got just enough time to clear everything out of the medicine chest before Rose Clooney gets here.

Now that I've seen Shirley Booth re-enact Lady Godiva's horseback ride across the back lawn in nothing but the paper crown she wore as Hazel, I've seen it all.

Looking up bull dyke in the dictionary and one will find Kathleen Freeman's picture as an example. She looked like she was with a man once and she was so unhappy with the experience she bit his dick off.

Edie Adams called. She and Ernie are running late. Guess he was in a fender bender and hasn't even gotten home yet!

Will someone tell Geraldine Page that getting a part on Kraft Theater does not a movie star make. God forbid she's ever on Playhouse 90.

What larks! Eva Le Gallienne and Mary Martin are on their way over to Allison William's house to throw eggs while crowing the way Peter Pan should crow.

bump

Would someone please tell Theda Bara to lay off the brisket?

Bea, dear, thank you for inviting me to your soiree. It's delightful. And everything is so clean! But, dear, I hate to tell you, Milton Berle is outside trying to crash the event---and he's in drag, no less! Oh---wait---that's Bette.

There's somebody named Julie Andrews outside. Wants to come to the party. She certainly looks like she would fit in here.

Should we let her in?

Okay, we're all going to sing Happy Birthday to Peggy Wood. Remember to sing "Happy Birthday, dear cunt face" instead of "dear Peggy"! She gets such a kick out of having an iconic film moment like that.

Would someone please distract Peggy Ann Garner? She's getting ready to thrill us again with her big speech from A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN. She does this every year and she is much too old to pull it off!

My annual NYE party is just 24 hours away and the preparations have run me BREATHLESS. It hasn't helped that Aggie Moorehead showed up a day early, drunk and tear-stained, mourning her, uh, friend, Debbie. So not only do I have dozens of jars of pickled eggs to decant and medicine cabinets to clear out, but I'm suicide watch with Endora. I sent a car for Rose Marie -- I need backup.

Calgon, take me away!

Bea, Maudie Prickett here. I can come by and help with the preparations. Just put me to work but I'll only stay til things get rolling. You know me. Margaret (Hamilton) and I are in bed by 9:45 no matter what. I made plenty of divinity, kolaches, and rosettes for the holidays and set an allotment aside for your celebration. I sure hope to see that darling Elinor Donahue again.

Nancy Davis is going to show us a new trick with A cucumber, she said Ronnie showed her. She said , she was the best in town. Don't think it will go over big at this party.

I don't stand a ghost of a chance at this party.

Why does Arlene keep asking everyone if they Are in the "Legitimate Theatre?" And why did she bring that fag hag Kitty Carlisle?

Whew, Francis Bavier's pussy stinks!!

You bitches have better not ask me to sing nothing - I'm only here for some drinks, and to hang out with my girl Tallulah.

And stop shaking your goddamn heads at me - these needle tracks on my arms are none of your fucking concern.

My God, this damn party has been going on for two years.

Jesus, Bea, can't you let go and let our gal Eileen Heckart host for a while?

Is the party still going on? You old gals are a hoot!

R336, this party's been going on for 4 years!

Doris Lloyd is on her twelfth Old Fashion and is doing her imitation of Merle Oberon's Can Can dance from The Lodger again.

Poor Aggie cried herself to sleep. But once she did, the party started! Nancy Kulp -- I shit you not -- has a lampshade on her head. And I think she thinks she's at Dan Tana's -- she just stopped Edith Head and asked her for a steak tartar,a side of cream spinach and two boilermakers.

Stay clear of the Ladies Room. Gwen Verdon just let one rip in there.

This year's party is going to be low key -- I've got this dry, nagging cough that I can't seem to shake and I'm so low energy. Time to see Dr. Jacobson again! Judy heard about him from the President so you know he's got to be good.

I'm gonna lie down for a bit. Girls, can one of you put six dozen eggs on to boil? And they delivered the kegs up the road -- just roll them down the drive way and into the walk-in. Wake me at 7.

Rose Marie was feeling a little under the weather but promises to make an appearance.

So, I wake up from my nap, coughing up a lung (and it's my good one!) and not one of you fat, lazy bitches has lifted a finger to get things ready for this party. Fran Ryan -- for someone who finally got an invite after three years of begging, I'd think you'd be a little more helpful.

Keely Smith just arrived. She thought she should stay away, but there was nothing else for her to do.

Rachel Roberts got mad everyone was taking selfies at the other end of the room, jumped up on a table, pulled up her skirt and yelled, "Why don't you all take a picture of THIS?!"

I just got a text from June Lockhart. She's on her way.

Thelma Ritter just phoned. Not gonna make it this year, horrendous case of the shits; can't be more than 10 feet from the bowl.

Okay, the craziest thing just happened. Babe Paley showed up on the arm of Barbara Pepper! They look like Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig, and each is more drunk than the other. Barbara, sure, but Babe? No one knows where to look. Half of us work for her.

Waiting for Claudette Colbert to show with the molly.

Did Coral Browne put LSD in the punch again, or am I really seeing Frank Cady in a bouffant, sheath and slingbacks in the corner talking to Cathy Lewis?

That's Joan's new girl. Norma something.

[quote]WTF are you talking about ? You have something against Pamelyn Ferdin?

[quote]WTF are you talking about? You have something against Pamelyn Ferdin?

You bet your sweet ass I do!

[quote]Best. Party. Ever.

Best.THREAD.Ever.

Crack a beer and get the deviled eggs prepped, ladies -- it's that time again!

yes, i'm bumping this

I’m on my way! I’m picking up Elizabeth Patterson, and you know how she can be (glug glug) so we might be a little late. Save me an egg!

This is one of the best threads of the past decade, imho

Oh, Bea -So sorry you've been under the weather. I'm boiling some more eggs, and I've sent Patsy Kelly to get a couple of cases of gin. Little Pammie Ferdyn will drop them off as soon as she gets back from visiting Kim Richards. Don't you worry about a thing. Marjorie, Kaye, and I will be over with the ice before the other guests arrive!

OP -This is the best thread, ever! I sat and giggled all the way through it. I very much appreciated the subtle (and not-so-subtle) references to old scandals and legends.

New Year’s Eve is an odd choice for gal’s night out. What were all the husbands doing?

Shouldn't that be whom were all the husbands doing??

[quote] with half a dozen cases of Schlitz and a gross of deviled eggs.

I hope someone cracks a window!

Claudette arrived, drunk as ever....She thinks her shit doesn't smell!!!!!

[quote] whom were all the husbands doing??

Barbara Eden, no doubt.

R170, more like 68-year-old....

Did anyone bring some goofballs for Judy?

Yikes, Violet Carson and Ann George just showed up in housedresses and hairnets. So much for British elegance! HEY, WHICH ONE OF YOU BITCHES STOLE MY FUNNEL?

Did someone say "British elegance"?

Who invited that drunk twat Gladys George?

Hattie McDaniel wants to know why she has to stay in the kitchen and wants to know if it’s ok to drink from the same glasses used by the white women. She also wants to know where Bea keeps the condoms.

Frances Bouvier just stormed in. She’s demanding scotch with a vodka chaser

Damn! That bitch, Tallulah, has locked herself in the bathroom with someone and won't come out until she gets her cock sucked. I may have to pee in the kitchen sink again like last year.

Has anyone invitied verna felton?

No! Leave Verna at home! The bitch always sashays around the room using that goddamned Fairy Godmother voice and offering to grant wishes to the giggly girls. How's a fellah supposed to compete?

I loved hearing Viv's stories about all the shit that went on with that Lucy cast, especially the ones about Little Ricky always going around kicking the elders in their shins. One swift kick in the ass would have done him good. I'm just glad Bitch Bette didn't show up. Or is she here?

Coral Browne, eyeing Lee Patrick, demands that people stop requesting daiquiris made with honey.

Holy Christ !! JERRY HERMAN just breezed in and ran straight to the piano !! Girls, get ready for a show tune singalong !! But please make sure Lucy doesn't get there first, let Bea handle the MAME songs. Don'y worry, I'm gonna tap on that goddamn piano for all it's worth. Now THIS is a party!!

Mary Wickes loves to take center stage, do her schtick about everybody else in the room, and when somebody asks who she is responds "Don't be so nosy!"

Is that Jeanette Nolan with her Marge Simpson like hairstyle doing Dirty Sally spit takes and all of a sudden breaking into bad Eastern European accents?

Someone please keep Jeanette Charles away from Bess Myserson! She's trying to grab her crown!

God help us. Rosalyn Borden and Marilyn Borden, aka Teensy & Weensy, are at it again, trying to get Reta Shaw to do a soft shoe dance with them. Reta's tired as she's been fighting with Hermoine Baddley all day, trying to keep a fight from breaking out with Ms. Gingold. Rumor has it that Patsy Kelly is searching for ukuleles to repeat the "Take a Little One Step" number from "No No Nanette" and has volunteered to assist the Borden twins.

Not sure it has been mentioned but had Bea B. not turned down the role of Ethel Mertz, DL might never have known the name Vivian Vance.

If the Borden sisters sing "Ricochet Romance" one more time I'm going to kick them in the balls!

More ice!!

I was just in the living room with Blanche Yurka, and that bitch is crazy. She kept insisting she had witnessed a murder and when she tells all she knows, heads will roll. I told her the only thing we’ll be rolling around here are the joints.

Say, where IS Libby Holman, anyway?

Did Edith Head bring her famous bread pudding?

[R390] That bread pudding was so old it had a longer beard than Patsy Kelly. Don't know why Edith is always bragging on that pudding... Just cuz some of the younger ladies like to lick out the bowl doesn't mean it tastes good. What's really moving this party along are my spicy Italian meatballs! Both my TV hubbies, Roger C. Carmel and Richard Deacon swear they're the most delicious balls they've ever tasted. And they should know!

R389 Was Blanche clicking her knitting needles as she made this claim?

Lucille La Verne and Edith Massey are now performing "The Patty Duke Show" theme for us in the nude! They think they are identical cousins!

Edith just pushed Lucille off the stage. She wants to perform "Gypsy" for us. OK, enough of those eggrolls Mr. Goldstone!

Ladies! Ladies! A little more decorum, please! And more ice!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. As I was saying, Harpo used to use his fingers, while Groucho preferred to use his cigar. And as for Gummo...

HI , I'M JOYCE DEWITT...AM I TOOO YOUNG FOR THIS PARTY ?

WHY ARE VICTOR BUONO AND WALLY COX HERE ? I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A FAG PARTY .

Come on in, Joyce. Your pal Suzanne is here somewhere, too. She’s promised to tell that ridiculous story about how she killed her father. It’s hilarious!

Did June Lockhart and June Allyson ride together ?

At least we can trust Susan Dey not to comment on the shenanigans.

IS Gloria Henry coming? She always talks to Kitty Carlisle .

Gale Sondergaard showed up just to prove that she is not Dame Judith Anderson or Margaret Hamilton or Anne Revere, even though she turned down Mrs. Danvers and the Wicked Witch of the West and was replaced by Anne Revere on "Ryan's Hope". Helen Gallagher confirms that by jumping up on the bar to sing "Danny Boy" in honor of Dame Judith.

June Lockhart is upstairs. She plans to play her Rolling Stones and Jimi Hendrix albums to the Brady girls until Susan Olsen's head explodes. Maureen's and Eve's tongues are wagging -Getting reacquainted. When she has finished, June has promised to entertain the guests with her Jonathan Harris impressions and stories about Billy Mumy's and Mark Goddard's very long lunches together off-set.

[quote]Maureen's and Eve's tongues are wagging

Yeah, Spring Byington and Patsy Kelly's tongues are wagging, too, if you catch my drift.

Is Lizabeth Scott here and did she bring her book of... contacts?

Oh, and you can talk, dear Lee? I'm surprised. It's the first time anyone has seen your tongue inside your mouth in years... Patsy and I have a deep, spiritual connection – Unlike you and the chorus of Chu Chi Chow.

Cut off the booze. Mary Jane Croft just backed into Vanda Barra’s car. And Mitzi McCall just barfed into Mitzi Gaynor’s new cha cha heels.

It's not Mary Jane's fault! She was in tears and practically hysterical after that fight with Vivian Vance over who was better at... "handling" Lucy. Kitty Carlisle did her best to console her -taking poor Mary Jane into the ladies room for half an hour to help her fix her face, but I saw her coming out, and her lipstick was more smeared than ever!

So Kitty Carlisle got her hooks into Mary Jane? Peggy Cass warned me about that slippery-tongued bitch.

Oh, the stories I could tell you about Kitty Carlisle... The bitch had more than one Night At the Opera, if you know what I mean. Poor Moss Hart had no idea what he was getting into. Or not getting into, as the case may be.

How dare you put Bea's name in a thread title. It triggered me.

She's been dead for years and seeing her name again as an aborigine, it was awful.

I wish this was twitter so I could cancel you.

r411, wish we could cancel YOU

I prefer to be erased, not cancelled.

Oh dear, oh dear! And it's been such a nice party so far... I don't know how they roughnecks managed to force their way in. Kaye, perhaps you and Tallulah could show them out? Quickly? I need to go to the... Oh. Never mind.

Did anyone bring Spanish Fly or a French Tickler?

Leave it to Grandma Joad to bring up such unsavory things. Don't get me started on what I saw her doing with those grapes! Pshaw!

Oh, Aggie, what I did with them grapes was a heck more savory than what you did with Shaw...and if you don't like it, you can lump it!

You want to step outside, Zeffie? I'll show you how to play St. Joan -The method way.

I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near your cooch when it starts sizzlin', Aggie. What a smell of sulphur!

Who brought that brat, Margaret O'Brien?

Betcha anything that love-hate thing that Zeffie and Agnes have going will get played out in an upstairs bedroom before midnight. Of course they'll likely have to kick Barbara Stanwyck and Debbie Reynolds out of the room to do it. These old dykes are just too closeted to have a good, old-fashioned gang bang in the parlour like the young gals are doing.

That little Kristy McNichol sure is a dab hand at Rock, Paper, Scissors -if you get my drift...

Why do I feel this thread has become the private showcase for one deranged DL-er?

Don't forget to tip the bartender generously, darlings! Scotty reminds us discretion doesn't come cheaply. xo

Anyone seen a pig run through here?

And just like that, the thread is ruined.

Thanks for the reminder, Bea. Scotty really knows how to get just the right group together for a party, and you are the perfect hostess!

Scotty? Bartender? I don't know him.

Oh, the ridiculous shit that comes out of Charles Laughton's mouth...

Looks like the party has come to an end for another year. Bea, thanks for inviting us into your home. It was a fabulous party! Haven't had so much fun in ages! See you next year?

Dear Friends,

As we enter the holiday season in the midst of a pandemic, I feel I should enforce some social rules for this year's get-together, and plan a few things out in advance. EVERYONE has to bring ice.

There. I think we're all set!

Oh dear, there's an incident at the powder room door

Carol Channing has locked herself in and keeps shrieking, "Corn, when did I eat corn?"

Reta Shaw has been waiting so long she's pulled her piece and she's threatening to blow the door down,

"We're sick of you pulling this same old shtick every year, Carol, you pretentious cunt!"

[quote]Oh, the ridiculous shit that comes out of Charles Laughton's mouth...

His mouth, what about the stuff that's leaking from his ass?

Who wants a sandwich?

R7 They're all long LONG dead actors/actresses. For anyone to remember most of them, they'd have to be well into their 70s. Your guess is as god as mine, re, why we're doing this.

ELSA DO NOT !!! LET CHARLES MAKE THOSE SANDWICHES IN MY KITCHEN !!

R7 and R435, this thread is an homage to the legendary personalities, tall tales, and vicious gossip that surrounded these celebrities of yesteryear. In their heydays they would have all found themselves the subjects of multiple DataLounge threads. Gay rumors. Stories of coprophilia. Drunkenness that would put Charlie Sheen to shame. Gather it all together in a single thread where the caftan-wearing cognoscenti can demonstrate both their bitchery and their wit -What could be more perfect for DataLounge?

Oh -And never eat a sandwich proffered by Charles Laughton. Trust me.

R437 You can't just dangle that out there, especially after your explanation, and not give the dirt!

You don't have to scroll back too far, R438. Legend has it that Charles Laughton was into shit. Literally. Supposedly he once ate a turd sandwich.

Stanwyck wasn’t invited nor Hepburn. Supporting players distaff division only.

Each time this thread is resurrected, I hold out hope that it will be somewhat witty and maybe even something like a snappy 1940s screenplay. But, sadly, it's just a lot of jokes about bodily functions but in the voice of old actors.

And your contribution, R441, didn't change anything, did it?

Ladies! Ladies! This is a party, not a street brawl. Now, one of you come to the kitchen and help me with the deviled eggs while the other goes to get more ice. We only have forty days left to get things ready, and you know how bitchy Miss Vance gets if we don't have sufficient...

Miss Vance may have a big potomas in her hostess pants

but she's hardly the biggest bitch in this crowd

How dare you look at me when you say that, Bea! What a cunt!

This year, just for fun, we're going to have a Homecoming Cunt. I mean Court! Nominations, ladies?

Did George Burns ever give you a pearl necklace and was there a new centerpiece on Gracie’s dining room table afterwards?

Bea: Speaking of Gracie -Fields, that is - her villa on Capri is next door to Noel Coward's, and the stories she tells! Those parties get so wild she's threatening to grow a dick so she can attend one.

Tallulah: Darling, my dick is bigger than Noel's. And I've had nearly as many young men suck on it.

I don't suppose there's room for little ol' me at this year's bash?

You're always welcome at any party, Roddy. Just so long as you bring more ice!

But leave your fucking movie camera at home, you big fag! I don't do those kinds of films for free, bitch!

Oh, Helen. Unlike you, dear, stag films are beneath me.

Hellloooo??? Helllloooo? Can anyone hear me? "Oh, Piffle" Forgotten again.

Una Merkel is singing about "Wet-Ass Pussy." Bea, I do declare, did you put Miss Sissy Boodles out in the rain again?

Little Josie that hat is simply dreamy!

I was, uh, I mean, what was I saying, oh, yes, the superior Veta Louise Simmons in, what was it called, HARVEY.

Okay, everyone -listen up! The party starts next week. If your last name starts with A-M, you are bringing ICE. If your last name starts N-Z, you are bringing deviled eggs. EVERYONE needs to bring at least two bottles of champagne or wine. Marjorie and Patsy are bringing six cases of bourbon. Carol, dear, you just bring the corn.

Ellen Corby has crotched face masks for all -- please take one at the door when you come in. And if you see poor Doris Singleton lingering wobbily at the hand sanitizer station, please try to steer her toward beer, instead, and try to get her to eat something.

Did Gladys George bring the liquor?

Hope Summers called - she forgot the address. She is picking up Shirley Mitchell.

Would somebody please search Juliet Prowse for matches?

Spring Byington just volunteered to do a cavity search on Juliet Prowse, but Nancy Kulp beat her to it. You know how Nancy is about matches...

Hey! Does anyone know some Karen named Pence? Oh. Wait. Karen Pence, right. Bea, did you invite your mother to this party??

Patsy Kelly's had a few too many

she's beating around Tallulah Bankhead's bush again

Well, I never....

OMG, Patsy Kelly neck deep in Tallulah's bush...

Wish I could unsee that

Francis Bavier and Hope Summers

are fighting over the "pickles" again

Reta Shaw is trying to force the younger girls to "dance" with her...

again

Julie, you cuntface, come out of the bathroom before I piss all over my new boots!

Rosie O'Donnell is lighting her farts on the terrace...

And Mable Albertson is NOT amused

I'm sitting at the corner table against the wall beside myself and 12 feet away from everybody else, darlings, just to be on the safe side. But then you all know that I always got my schnapps off by wanting to be alone, so have a drink on Bea's tit for me!!

I don't know WHAT the hell Connie Gilchrist is doin' on the front lawn, naked as a jaybird, but if she doesn't get her clothes back on right this minute, girdle included, I'm turning' the hose on her.

Bea! It's YOUR house, DO sumthin'!!!

[quote]Ellen Corby has crotched face masks for all

That bitch will use any excuse to get her face in someone's crotch.

OMG the entire Gilbreth family just pulled up in Foolish Carriage!!!

Please, ladies! What I said was, "I've made crotch masks that allow you to get your face in there. It's pretty -lace curtains to surround the beef..."

Eva Le Gallienne adores the feeling!

And just who is feeling you, Eva?

Bea! Those fucking Gishes have asked AGAIN if you're going to have the sheets changed on their bed, because the ice floe melted!

I HATE those scenario dykes. Gimme a bush with a rat hole and I don't need no fancifications. "Way Downlow East" my foot.

Bea, why don't the two of us just slip out back with a bottle of vodka and some Chesterfields and... compare notes about Lucy?

Oh, lord, who encouraged Jane Darwell to dance ...?

Gladys George is in the den, watching a bootleg DVD of Valiant Is The Word For Carrie...

It is kinda funny watching Bessie Love make it rain with her stimulus money.

Speaking of stimulus -Did you see what Jane Lynch was doing with Mildred Natwick in the kitchen?? All I can say is, DON'T put ice in your drink whatever you do!

[quote]I don't know WHAT the hell Connie Gilchrist is doin' on the front lawn, naked as a jaybird, but if she doesn't get her clothes back on right this minute, girdle included, I'm turnin' the hose on her.

Saints preserve us, indeed!

[quote]a gross of deviled eggs

Gross.

Honey, those aren't deviled eggs!!

Ladies! Ladies! Come into the parlor, everyone! Bea has a new game for us to play. It's a variation on Beer Pong! No, don't bother finding your undies, Tallulah.

Bea, gotta run. (Air kiss) (Air kiss). Couple of things. Billy Haines is bent over your wicker chaise lounge with a severe case of anal leakage. You'll never get those cushions clean. Billy Barty is passed out in your Frigidaire vegetable crisper. And Billie Hayes keeps trying to shove Freddy the Flute up my bunghole.

Great party. See you next year.

It's been a wonderful party, Bea -just like always. You and all of my favorite cunts together again! I brought you a bottle of single-malt whiskey and hid it in Martha Raye's snatch where no one would look for it. Be sure to get it before she leaves! Ta ta!

OP -Eight years ago you created the most marvelous thread. I look forward to its annual return. If you're still here and reading this, thank you!

Kathleen Freeman and Reta Shaw are still trying to get an unconscious Tallulah into the guest bedroom

Tallulah is characteristically "sans-culottes"

Bea dear, there’s someone at the door named Elliot Page who claims to be on the guest list.

The poor thing looks lost

Go home, Mabel! I'm not buying that "sick headache" routine. You just want to see me naked again. I told you it was over years ago! Now put your clothes on and get in the car with Marjorie and Kathleen.

R41 You really can't understand Orbán and his appeal to Hungarians without understanding Hungarian history, the Turkish occupation certainly but also Hapsburg rule, 1848, Trianon, Communist rule and 1956. And yes, Saint Stephen and the Christian tradition.

Orbán's message -- Keep Hungary Hungarian -- holds powerful sway over Hungarians whose history has time and again seen outsiders bring nothing but ruin.

You may disagree with his policies, but he is an exceptionally skilled politician, probably second only to Mrs. Merkel in Europe.

Sorry about the misposting. But Hungarians always enjoy a good party.

How did Bea and company celebrate Easter, I wonder?

Tastefully. And with lots of ice and deviled eggs.

A private talk is going on at the table next to Susan Lucci's with Marj Dusay, Beverlee McKinsey, Carolyn Jones, Louise Sorel, Robin Strasser, Linda Dano, Carole Shelley, Carmen Duncan, Shirley Ann Field, Marla Adams, and Anna Stuart. They are taking bets as to when la Lucci gets a guest stint as Vivian, thus tying them together among the six degrees of recast soaparation, especially since everybody else is tied to at least one other person at the table because they played the other person's part. Carmen Duncan is asking why no other Lisa Mitchell's are there

Orry Kelly just pinched me in the pantry.

They must be spending a mint on PR -- full-time staff and agency support -- all to create a brand they can use to churn up more money to support an even more lavish lifestyle funneled through their tax-free foundation.

Protestations to tbe contrary, they NEED the publicity. They just want the coverage to be on their terms.

Sorry again.

Is Bea holding a Memorial Day fundraising BEA-B-Q? What charity would she support?

Looking at how long her parties drag on, I'd suspect she was supporting AA...

Considering the cost of insurance including copays and such, a Medicaid card is golden. And losing Medicaid can be a strong disincentive to returning to work. Not sure anyone's yet figured out a good way to square that circle.

Copays? What we need is more ice!

This thread has brought back many happy memories of Datalounge in days past. Thanks for reviving it!

Vivian Vance is preparing to sing a selection of patriotic favorites ...

I suppose my invitation got lost in the mail?

I better not catch that dyke Ellen Corby cheating again at canasta.

Perfect! We'll do it outdoors during the big fireworks display...

More ice! For god's sake, someone go out and get some more ice!

But it's not something he's going to get drawn and quartered for doing. If anything, it sounds like he was too honest and too open about his reaction to her pregnancy. He should have gone back to his office, closed the door, and let out a big scream.

Hon, can I see your invitation, please? I think you may be at the wrong party...

Jesus Christ, it looks like Charles Laughton sat on that English trifle that Elsa Lanchester brought to the party.

Let's hope that's all he did! I've been hearing stories about him and his sandwiches...

R44 Which brings to mind Sen. Hruska's famous remark during the unsuccessful attempt to confirm G. Harrold Carswell, LL.B. Mercer Law School, to a seat on the Supreme Court.

"So what if he is mediocre? There are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren’t they? We can’t have all Brandeises, Cardozos, and Frankfurters and stuff like that there."

Sorry to keep crashing the party. This site has a posting glitch.

R517 It’s OK. I got rich and famous pretending Gracie Allen’s non-sequiturs were normal on radio and TV.

I'm not sure what you mean, Blanche?

R519 Say goodnight, Gracie.

Always open with "In the Heart of a Cherry," George!

George and Gracie made a lovable TV couple adorable even, certainly. But believable, not. You think Gracie was like that in real life? Not that she ever appeared in public out of character.

R522 Of course not. The real-life Gracie Allen was a fantastic comic actress. Nearly every line she spoke had a comedic misunderstanding in it or was a build-up to one. That she could remember so many “off the wall” lines that bore little relation with reality was part of her comic genius.

This thread is so old that the baby gays who posted at the beginning, are now over the hill. Time is a bitch, isn't it!

R523 Somewhere there's a comment on the show that points out how difficult the scripts were for her: the nonsense quality of her lines made them much more difficult to remember than lines that made sense, and of course they all had to be delivered word-for-word as written.

Myself I am curious, just what Gracie herself was actually like.

Stopped by the party and thought I'd find out, but sadly she's a no-show.

Gracie did go to dinner parties with George from time to time. The Burnses were good friends with Pamela and James Mason as well as the Jack Bennys. She was a very private person. The reason that she always wore three-quarter sleeves was because as a child she overturned a pot of boiling water and suffered third-degree burns all over her shoulder and arm. When the family bought their home on Maple Drive (now sadly torn down to make way for a new McMansion) she gathered the children by the pool and had them watch her dive in and swim across it. She never dipped a toe in it again. She just wanted the kids to know that she really could swim if she wanted to. She had very few friends, but those she had were absolutely devoted to her.

I see by the calendar that we are heading once again toward the new holiday season. Let's make a shopping list and stock up while we can. Remember how hard it was with all the shutdowns and runs on things last year? I'll start it off.

New Year's Party Shopping List:

storage POD for the driveway for all the ice

60 dozen eggs

2 cases of mayonnaise

20 jars of whole dill pickles (extra large)

16 cases of gin

30 cases of vodka

1 bottle of Vermouth

1 case of JD (just for our Helen)

2 jars of mixed nuts

What else do we need, ladies?

Nancy Kulp wants to bring her famous ambrosia.

Nine years later, the party is still raging! Bring on another dozen boiled eggs!

Martha Raye was showing Judy Canova how to hold her putter....

Now they're slow dancing on the patio

Love Rita Shaw's dress.

Who's having a midlife crisis? Mamie Van Doren showed up!

Lily and Jane just called. They're on their way and bringing their famous muffins!

Josephine Baker brought bananas!

Oh, Bea -Please, please let's keep Mary Martin and Jean Arthur apart tonight. When those two Peter Pans go at it to see who was the bigger peter it gets old very quickly. Why don't you have Jean help Nancy serve her ambrosia, while Mary plays bartender on the patio?

Kay Francis called to say she was running late and could she bring anything? I told her we could always use more ice.

Shirley Booth is in the living room wearing her bowling uniform...

showing off her form for all the girls

She's a little tipsy

Bea, there’s a non binary headed up the walk. Should I turn on the garden hose?

Bea? Jody Foster manning the front door. She wants to know if Chaz Bono and Elliot Page were invited, or are they crashing the party?

I just saw Margaret Rutherford doing body shots off Anna Lee!

BEST THREAD EVER!!!!!

So glad I found this one. Great one to bump. I love that there are other people who know these people. (I've had a few puffs.)

[quote]Martha Raye was showing Judy Canova how to hold her putter…

[quote]Now they’re slow dancing on the patio

Oh dear, someone had better distract Ann Sheridan. She’s been looking for Judy for 15 minutes.

Bea, Marjorie Main and Edna Mae Oliver are locked in the bathroom again, and poor Spring Byington had to pee in an empty champagne bottle! Where should I put it? We don't want a terrible repeat of what happened to Kate Hepburn last year!

Help! Dorothy Arzner and Ida Lupino are having an honest-to-god pissing contest on the guest room balcony! Poor Debbie Reynolds didn't know what was happening and started doing her "Singin' In The Rain" bit and now Barbara Stanwyck won't stop calling her our Golden Girl... Debbie is crying in the downstairs bathroom. Who will go in and console her?

R545

I will always rise the the challenge

-Margaret Hamilton's nose

WELL! The on again-off again between Beulah Bondi and Una Merkel is unmistakably ON again.

Helen Lawson's on her way over with some young gals from the Dinah Shore Gold Tournament!

Barbara Stanwyck has one foot inside the door and one foot out. Will she please make up her mind?

[quote]Helen Lawson's on her way over with some young gals from the Dinah Shore Golf Tournament!

Don't get any ideas, cunts. I'm pals with lotsa lezzies and I enjoy a good game of golf, but Helen Lawson is strictly dickly, got it?

That will teach you to knock before entering a room, R547!

Ruby! Ruby Stevens!!! I will NOT use your film name, you cat, now or ever. I remember you taking a long gander at me when I was filming "Luck of the Irish," with that divine Ty Power. Our scenes together were sizzling, and oh, his kisses, well, he was unlike any other man I've ever kissed. Never got your hooks into him, did you? He'd have laughed in your face. Norma, Paulette, back me up here.

- Jayne Meadows, the Mrs. Allen, Steve

Patsy Kelly is looking for some action...

but Ellen Corby is playing hard to get, pretending to be studying Bea's erotic Womyn art collection

A muff! She wore a muff!

A muff is no good at all if you shave all the hair off! -Miss Marjorie Main

Oh dear, now Barbara Pepper and Fran Ryan are shaving themselves in the upstairs bathroom!

Damn, damn damn! Can't anyone ever use a coaster? I invite a few friends over for a quiet New Year's celebration and I have to replace five end tables and get two toilets repaired! I don't even want to know what Marjorie and Edna Mae were doing in the bathroom all that time...

At least we didn't run out of ice!

I'm hoping Anna May Wong shows up again this year, so she can show everyone her "ancient Chinese secret."

Lucille Benson and Peggy Rea are hoping to get invitations this year.

You bitches have been having a boiled egg party without me since 2013? No invitation? I know Bea was always jealous about my looks but you couldn't be less flattering, or should I say flatulent by this stinky, sulfuric party of my fellow A-listers.

I brought a pie!

Patsy Kelly's making her chili out in Bea's kitchen...

(I'd stay away from that stuff if I was you...that stuff is cheek flapper)

Okay, ladies. The holiday season is almost upon us. We're gonna need a new thread, and LOTS of ice!

Will someone make deviled eggs this year, please?

Where's Ann Sheridan?

Where's Anne Heche?

Thank Gawd for posts like this. Sometimes I must be reminded that this a gay forum.

There is now an official part two thread.

Happy New Year, Bea!

Just taking a walk down memory lane before attending this year's party.

Sounds like a total shitfest to me.

This is without doubt my all-time favorite Datalounge thread. OP, wherever you are, I salute you and raise a glass to your ever-present wit this New Year's Eve!