The Datalounge Police Blotter

A woman, possibly drunk, reported lesbians being "hate raped" on the forum by "penised persons" "every day." She could not give a physical description of the perpetrator. A man reported that "lizard people" were deliberately using bad grammar on the forum in order to cause him a nervous breakdown.

A woman reported that a man was trying to con her into giving him a quantity of red dragon cheese that would prevent her from serving other customers, and that he became belligerent when asked to leave.
A man who gave his address as Luxembourg said he had reason to believe he was being followed by angry British youths of lower class origin.
With the recent snow fall coinciding with holiday parties, we're seeing higher incidents of "shoe removal rage" as drunken guests object to their hosts' requests. Citizens with white carpeting are advised to be on high alert.
Mary Beth Lacey
A man said he was calling 9.1.1 to test a theory that even the datalounge police would ignore him. He said he is invisible to people in the gay community.
A woman said people are harrassing from the eastern time zone by revealing the endings of shows she has not had a chance to watch yet. She said this is being done with malicious intent, probably by members of the Free Republic website.
A man reported he was receiving calls at all hours. He would answer the phone and be told "My city is better than yours" and then the caller would hang up. He said called i.d. said the number was located in the New York City area.
A man who said his name was Mapother said that moviegoers who came to see a movie he made were being given tickets instead to a movie starring "two notorious Australian fags." He believed the perpetrator was a datalounge regular, and that he was being persecuted for his heterosexuality and religion.
Las Vegas is an assault on my sense of taste.
H.%20
bump to see if the evening crowd is more into this than the day laborers.
Three men attempting to present their holes were apprehended by the Datalounge police before this spectacle could be foisted upon and witnessed by the forum.
A woman named Cheryl said that "certain parties" had slandered heterosexual actors, claiming they were gay. Also that they had stolen her last bottle of feminine deoderant spray. She said the police must act immediately to prevent this hooliganism from continuing.
Police were called to a Cheryl's home (no last name given) at 5113 Oakridge Road with complaints of a putrid sewage smell coming from the house and emanating throughout the neighborhood.
Alright folks, nothing entertaining to see her. Move along to a thread about big pecs that jut out.
Officer%20O%27Prisspot
A marauding group of four men brutally assaulted Jayden, 23, about the head and face with his own misplaced comma and attempted to strangle him with his own run-on sentences. In his statement to police, the victim admitted that his part in the conflict included use of the term "eldergays." Police note that this incident occurred in broad daylight at 11:15am EDT.
Police report an "annoying young person" walked into their precinct and reported that nameless Eldergays were hissing at him "on the street." When officers accompanied the AYR to the location, and no Eldergays were found, AYR was forced to admit that the hissing may have emanated from a steam pipe in the middle of 78th Street.
Police report that a man foaming at the mouth complaining that gays only like straight men and furthermore that they hate anyone successful, was talked down off a ledge in downtown Scarsdale.
A group of women (originally misidentified as male) were charged with mischief after calling 911 to demand police remove a male trespasser from the venue of their music festival. Upon arrival at the scene the officers determined that the trespasser was in fact the 9 year-old son of one of the festival go-ers.
9:14am 12/26/12: A resident on East Richton reported all his clothing had been replaced with identical clothing two sizes smaller. 10:18pm 12/27/12: A resident on the 21st block reported a man repeatedly stabbed eight air-filled lawn statues.
A hysterical man placed a call to Datalounge authorities early in morning with a complaint that his elderly mother had once again locked him in her basement, which as it turns out, was also his place of residence. Strangely, when he discovered that the two officers dispatched to get him out were female, he quickly bade the "police fish" remove themselves without a word of thanks.
It was the kind of Christmas where even old Aunt Agnes woke up with a shiner.
Man reports that Irishman came to America seeking to confirm his prejudices, and succeeded.
A man reported he was "financially hate-raped" by a female acquaintance at Ruth's Chris steakhouse.
three lesbians reporting a vocal hate crime and intimidation by a gaggle of gaylings shreeeeeeek ing outside the coffee shop where their poetry reading.
A man called the DL police to report a robbery - several cans of frosting were removed from his cabinets. Suspect in the robbery is the fat daughter who denied all knowledge of said frosting.
According to one report Hollywood is full of witches.
The police report they receive approximately 10 to 20 calls a day from people saying things were "so much better last year." Police advised them to try to be more entertaining themselves.
At 4:17 PM, an eldergay reported a break-in to DL police. Missing items include a Peggy Lee album collection, a vintage Halston caftan, the complete "Wild, Wild West" series on VHS tape and an unopened carton of Virginia Slims. Police are investigating.
Indivividual claiming multiple identities, most intelligible "R27", claims crime has been committed against her, claims her money has been stolen, is clearly outraged, over being banned from a gay website. When asked why an overweight heterosexual woman would have any investment in a gay website, her discourse became unintelligible and she threatened to sue.
A man on West Charnelton reports that the $20 trick he met through Grinder is actually 68 years old and unable to achieve an erection. Complaintant states he'll pursue civil fraud action.
Twelve-year old Yeehaw Junction resident Shitty Little Ann was questioned regarding disturbing damage done to an Amtrak car's restroom.
A middle aged man on South Main reported being conned out of $400 by a young male dancer in a nightclub. Victim could not explain how the money was stolen. All residents should be on high alert for booty-shaking PYTs in thongs.
A class action suit has been filed against all good looking male actors under the age of 30 who have had at least a mild degree of success and who claim to be straight. Members of the DL have no proof, but do have a strong belief, that ALL these men are in fact gay. Certain individuals may not be prosecuted if they turn 30, gain weight and/or lose their looks, as this will be considered proof of their heterosexuality.
A young, skinny, hairless 21 year old called to report that a sit-com beloved by older people in the neighborhood was missing from his personal history and therefore could not exist.