I'll assume that you're fairly young, OP, or you'd have developed a philosophy around such things already.
It's happened, it will happen again. File it under Lifes Sweet Pain and move it along. I've just experienced it myself. Sign of the times, I guess.
Don't let them know you're hurt. Like the song says..
Yes. Someone I thought was my friend actually told me they would no longer be having contact with me after a certain date. I didn't take it serious because who does that. Anyway, the person actually did it. At first I was in disbelief and resentful then I forgot about them because my life moved on. However, I did see the person many years later and saw the person gained atleast 30 pounds of fat. That comforted me a bit. What really got me totally passed it was the fact that I realized the whole friendship was fake from the beginning.
Never got dumped but I've fell out of touch with a number of good friends over the years. I think of the times we spent together fondly every now and then and I'm sure they do too, but times, places, and people change.
"" Never got dumped but I've fell out of touch …"
I think should have been "" Never got dumped but I've fellen out of touch … ""
Yes, but I was the one who stopped texting/emailing him and he never bothered to inquire why – go figure. I finally saw him for what he had become: self-centered and incapable of being there for me when I had been there countless times for him. Good riddance. Life’s too short to be around people who don’t give a shit about you.
I've done it with a couple of friends. One was a friend who never had the time to travel to visit me (we lived in different cities after college), while I took every opportunity to visit her. Her problem has never been money (her first apartment was bought for her by her parents), just laziness. I longed for her to see me in my environment, as I feel, if you are interested in a person you will be interested in the place they live in. After about ten years of asking her to come and visit me, she did come, and hooked up with my best male friend. So, on her last day of staying with me, she went out with him. I took her to the airport the next morning. A few years later I stopped corresponding with her. By the way, she never called me on the phone, either. She always emailed. If I wanted to speak to her had to call her. So, that's it. One day I stopped all contact. I have no regrets. I barely ever think of her. The best part... when you stop wasting energy on one person you will be able to give that energy to someone more deserving.
[bold]Ever been dumped by a friend you've known for years?[/bold]
Didn't this happen with John Cusack and Jeremy Piven?
I myself have wondered about my dear friends, Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia.
I suppose this is all [italic]possible[/italic].
You know: This reminds me of story I was told when I was living in St. Olaf....
Yes. It was a hag of mine back in the day. Many years later, we got back in touch and are friends again. She had fallen in love with me and felt that the only way she could get over me was to cut of contact. In retrospect, it was a good decision for her. Probably good for me, too, as we were becoming codependent. Anyway, now we're good friends again.
I've lost touch with other friends over the years. It happens as you get older.
I'm trying to do it right now with somebody I've known for 25+ years. We live in different parts of the country and have kept in touch and have visited each other from time to time over the years, but I'm done listening to him bitch about his job. He's been doing it for the entire time I've known him and with every job. To him the only thing that matters is what you do for work. When I lost my job a couple of years ago our conversations became strained and I just stopped calling. A few weeks ago, I started getting messages and e-mails all starting...I heard you got a job.
I don't need this person in my life any more and I don't have the balls to tell him so I ignore the calls and e-mails, hoping he'll stop.
I cut off a friend I'd done a lot of things with over the years (travel, theater, etc.) He was just too much of a spendthrift for me. I made more money than he did, yet he was always dragging me to expensive restaurants, trips, etc. Yet he lived in a crummy apartment and was heavily indebted to credit card companies. I've always been "frugal" and just couldn't deal with that anymoore.
I have done it and had it done to me. Friendship can fade, especially amongst the people one puts highest on the pedestal.
[quote]I longed for her to see me in my environment, as I feel, if you are interested in a person you will be interested in the place they live in.
Good God, Mary.
You are HIIIIIIIIIIIGH maintenance!
Yes, I've done it and it's been done to me. Mostly I've done it though. I've moved a lot and it's hard to stay in contact in a meaningful way when you don't see people regularly (plus I'm lazy). Face book, xmas cards and email aren't the same.
When I was younger I used to tell myself I cut people off because I "outgrew" them. But that's a crock of shit. We all go through changes and evolve. You can change and grow in different directions and still be friends. The hard truth is that I was just lazy and selfish.
It happened to me. I had a close friend whose boyfriend was very possessive and controlling. I am sure his beau told him to terminate our friendship. I have been told he did the same thing with other mutual friends. It was really quite sad.
I've done it to others and the reason usually is that I perceive I am just someone they contact when there is no one better around. Our "conversations" involve listening to all the coll things they have done or are doing. Little genuine interest in what I've been/ not been doing.
Wow. This thread is depressing. Everyone moves on from relationships over time but my core friends have always been there. I can't fathom just coldly not answering a call or text.
I think you deserve an explanation OP, even if that ex-friend says something hurtful. I would have to know why.
she knows what she did.
Going through this very same thing with a friend I have had for over 30 years. We traveled together earlier this year and after about 5 days her self indulgence pushed me to the brink and I let her have it (Full disclosure,she's an alcoholic, doesn't have to work, is used to sleeping all day if she desires- but we were both drinking, something I seldom do and her self indulgences pushed me to the breaking point.This was my week vacation from a very stressful personal and professional life ) We share terrible childhoods, extremely dysfunctional families, went through the growing pains of college together,survived painful break ups, a friend's suicide,a long distance friendship at times, and the death of her mother.In other words a lot of history. She was always judgmental of my friends (especially my boy friends) but in true passive-aggresive behavior she seemed to reverse course after the fact and often became friendly with my exes and never failed to point out on what I lost.
We survived that night and the next day acted like it was all behind us but on return home..nada. No emails, no calls. I thought we moved passed it and chucked it up to over-indulgence. This entire year she has exhibited the same kind of passive-aggressive behavior she did with my exes. Not a word and then birthday presents.
The husband of a friend of hers died a couple of months later. I know the wife and even more importantly, their 13 yo daughter and I used to send their kid stuff (another dysfunctional family). My friend sent me an email with a link to the obit. weeks after the funeral. I would have gone home for the family .That was the breaking point for me, especially as the kid's family life was ever bit as dysfunctional as our childhoods had been (to my mind, that's when a child needs to know there are all kinds of people there for her if she needs them and sometimes the "kindness of strangers" is what gets us through). When her mother was dying I went home whenever she needed me whether she had actually asked me to or not and she often commented on that is just the kind of person I am..so that really hurt.
Thanksgiving day I received a text message saying "Gooble,Gooble" (which was kind of her tradition if we were not home) and I did not respond.
I have my own life and "stuff" and frankly too old for games. The irony is, it will be a year in Jan. and I only think of her in passing. I think I would feel differently if I was younger. It's left a void but I am at a point in life where my philosophy is move on...
R20, get some help.
Some of the answers to this thread ....
Uhhhhhh ......The question was "Ever been dumped by a friend you've known for years?"
What's up with the 'Yea...I've done this to someone ...'.
To paraphrase Monica Gellar "THAT'S NOT EVEN THE QUESTION !!"
but it gives you the other perspective r22....but then the fact that you are able to quote Monica Geller is all really need to know about you....isn't it?
My very best friend was a coke whore in the early '90s who decided to become a lower budget version of Martha Stewart. My memories of our past didn't fit in with this new personality and she laid it on the table for me. Many gay folk have told me that you lose your straight friends to marriage, so I wasn't surprised so much as sad. Her history is so much more interesting than the little world she has created. If she comes to her senses, I'll tell her to go fuck herself.
My straight guy friend from college announced his brand new best friend decided I was a fag. I had stuck with him when he was unemployed, diagnosed with depression, looking for his way in life. I was kind of a bad therapist for three years. As soon as the friend made his pronouncement, my friend started taunting me over the phone about it. I wasn't out at the time. I cut off contact and changed my number. Every few years I look him up on the net, but haven't found anything newer than 2002.
Yes, I did have it happen to me.
When I found out I had diabetes.
Someone I considered to be family left my life.
It still hurts on many levels but over time I figured it was for the best.
This has happened to me several times in the last 10 years.
Its happening now with my sister.
I think that sometimes.... over a long period of time.... a relationship cost more than it provides. That's when its time to take a break. Sometimes those breaks become permanent.
No, I've just lost touch like anyone else. And I've only had to do it once to someone else. I had known her since high school and that's what made it tough to cut her off. But she had been a disloyal and bad friend for so long, that I finally got up the nerve to do it. I wish I had the guts to do it sooner.
Relationships can die off through benign neglect, or because of a big blow-up, or sometimes one person just gets fed up after a long while and leaves the offender in the dark.
I don't mind the benign drifting away, or even the verbal punch-and-delete. It's the sudden silent treatment or disappearance that annoys me.
Friendship is a two way street.
END OF THREAD.
" I WIPE BACK TO FRONT! "
I've never been "dumped" as a friend, but losing touch due to benign neglect? Happens all the time, particularly now that I'm in my forties and many of my friends have relocated to cities I never have a chance to visit (and they rarely, if ever, return to my city). Like others, I have my "core" group of friends that I've known since childhood, and I'd never cut ties with them, but people I'm "semi-close" with are another story. That's just how things go...
I'm just going through this now. A nice guy I connected with a few months ago has just decided in the last two weeks to stop acknowledging my communication. It hurts, that's all I can say. No explanation. No reason. Just.... gone. I would never treat a person that way.
On more than one occasion, I've had ultimate conversations consisting of me saying, "Hello!" and the friend saying, "Oh, I'm in the middle of something, can I call you back?" and never calling back.
I say, "more than one" because it's happened at least twice, and maybe once or twice more.
Of the two most memorable times, these were friends who I considered very close. We had known each other for years, and spoke on the telephone at least once a day.
One of these friends moved out of state with her new husband, and one moved "back to the City." I only know these two are still alive because they are friends of friends on Facebook.
A third just never showed up for a concert that we were planning to attend together. She asked me to get the tickets, and we had plans to meet at the venue. When I called to confirm our rendezvous point, there was no answer. I tried to call her over the next several days, but she never picked up. She's never called or written. We were friends who had worked together over a period of several years, and she had been having her hair done by my lover. My lover had died four or five months before the concert, so she had to find a new hairdresser.
Many of these posts sound just like what I went through recently. Thanks for sharing, DL.
Usually when someone you've known for years does that, they have serious issues of their own. If they can't explain that there's a problem with the relationship, you're better off in the long run.
Never let them see your ache (or did he say never let them see your ass?)
I've been there. Long story short, think twice before rekindling a 20-years-dormant friendship with a fellow college party girl who unlike you never left the party.
As much as it hurts, OP, it's for the better, even if you don't ever find out why. The fact that they were brutal enough not to allow you that closure tells you that. Cheer up, Bunky, you'll meet better people.
Yes, and these 2 women were my best-friends. I've known them since we were 13. And you know what did it? the election! They both turned out to be republicans. WTF?? We all grew up in the same neighborhood. Working class families. Now one can't stand people who need assistance, and the other one went berserk over the Catholic birth-control thing. Haven't heard a peep from them after they each (separately) gave me their "I'm worried about my country" speeches.
Of course they know I'm a lesbian, I work a union job, yet they're stunned I voted for Obama. Oh well. I think I'm more disgusted by them than they are by me. Was this way too long? lol. sorry.
My position is we can talk out anything and I am game -- but the minute a so-called friend pulls the juvenile "I'm not speaking to you" card, it is over. I would never trust that they won't pull that crap later again and again. Life's too short.
The "for no reason" part is the true puzzle here, always the part that hurts. And, sorry, my male buddies might get busy but they never just lose touch/end long friendships for no reason (not even the wife). It's always female friend shit --so I am learning to live with a lot less female poison in my life.
Wish I'd learned this MUCH earlier.
Some friends fade...or they don't make the grade...new ones are quickly made...
Yes, I have. And I've dumped a friend too. I had gone through a rough patch. Whenever we got together, she would always complain about how awful her life was even though she was working in her chosen profession. I just couldn't deal with her incessant complaining. It was easier to not return her calls than for me to say, "I'm sorry, miss, but with all due respect, I've got problems of my own."
R42 makes my point. Friend from Fuckin' Hell. Female? Curious.
Was your friend there during your rough patch? Easier to just disappear rather than talk it out?
Stay the fuck away from me. No, it's okay, I can see you nightmares like you coming from a mile away now.
I am sure my former friend would consider that I "dumped her for no reason" but on my end of it, I gave her plenty of warning. Her drinking went from social/moderate to daily/shit-faced, and I got tired of her drunk-dialing me all the time, or leaving rambling, slurred messages when I started screening calls.
When I sat her down and told her she was destroying herself and ruining our friendship, she just blew it off, claimed she didn't have a problem, and asked why was I not "there for her" whenever she obviously NEEDED to talk?!
So I said, "If you call me and you've been drinking, I will not talk to you". She continued to call and leave drunken voice mails for about a year, then gave up. Later I heard from mutual friends that she was "so hurt" that I had just dumped her without any explanation.
I am not a therapist, and I do not play one on TV (or on the phone)
I'm guessing r42's signature indicates the poster is a male. Not that it should matter, really. There is always at least one poster on every thread who has to turn the topic at hand into some imagined indication of male superiority.
No, I'm Mariah Carey, bitches.
And by rough patch, I mean I was downsized. After almost a year, I lost my apartment when I could no longer pay the rent. Shortly thereafter, my dog died from old age.
At any rate, I pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, my friend's life was pretty damn good, but to no avail. She never had anything good to say. She would not stop her incessant complaining, so I eventually stopped taking her calls.
By the way, R43. No worries. I wouldn't be remotely interested.
[quote] A third just never showed up for a concert that we were planning to attend together. She asked me to get the tickets, and we had plans to meet at the venue. When I called to confirm our rendezvous point, there was no answer. I tried to call her over the next several days, but she never picked up. She's never called or written. We were friends who had worked together over a period of several years, and she had been having her hair done by my lover. My lover had died four or five months before the concert, so she had to find a new hairdresser.
R34 - I presume that know the she is alright!
I had a similar experience a few years ago. I had a spare front row ticket to a concert and offered it to a friend (for himself or his partner)a few days before the concert. He said that he would talk to his partner and get back to me. He never got back to me. And they have never emailed, rung or sent Xmas cards since then. They still seem to be alive, as they continue to be listed in the phone book! I've always wondered if he forgot to get back to me, then felt embarrassed and then got lazy.
As you get older--particularly into your forties--expectations of friends really changes. By that point, you and your friends have less time to spend with each other, and you certainly want less drama.
Ive done it not just to one friend but to the core of what was my whole social circle. We would hang out constantly, travel in a pack to bars and clubs. We all met in college but after graduation everything changed. Now that we were all making decent money, it became a competition as to who could have the most spectacular car, house, wardrobe and vacations. And then the trash talking started. When anyone from our group was not around, the claws came out and they would put them down and dis them. At one point I even said, "wow, I hate to think about what you say about me when I'm not around" to which they replied, "Oh, no, we love you. You're cool". But I wasn't buying it. I started making excuses as to why I couldn't go out, then stopped returning their calls, deleting their emails without even bothering to read them. True, my social life went from exciting to Deadsville, but I had my self respect. I got out just in time too because a I learned a few years later they started cranking out the kids. Thank god I wasn't around when that train wreck began.
Going through it right now.
A friend went through on-line court documents to ascertain which of my homes/condos I have rented and which ones I had owned.
Without telling me this, he asked me at dinner questions about which houses/condos I had owned and which I had rented.
I just answered his questions honestly.
Later, I realized that he had been hoping to catch me in a lie in front of friends.
I had the temerity to send a text that "I felt uncomfortable with you investigating a friend like that -- it crossed a line."
He and his boyfriend have been very chilly to me since. And we have known each other for ages and regularly get together. I've only seen them once in the past year.
I think I'm more sad because it *seems* bad to lose a life-long friend. But I certainly won't miss my friend's nosiness -- or passive-aggressive, dull boyfriend.
"Friends" are highly overated. I was very sick early in this year and spent a great deal of time in the hospital. My so-called "Friends" didn't call or write the entire time. The ones who did visit and check up on me afterwards are the only people I care about now. Don't waste my time with anyone else.
Maybe this thread is about me? I'm in the process of dumping a friend who mass-emailed (actually a Google+ update that got emailed to people not on the network) a suicide note on Thanksgiving. I say dumping b/c he survived. Obviously, he's been in distress for some time, his bf left him and his career is a revolving door. But he doesn't take advice, preferring to smoke tina and bitch when he comes down. His problem is that he won't grow up, get perspective about looks and sex, and develop an interior life that can cushion social setbacks. This suicide note was just the last straw, timed as it was to ruin everybody's Thanksgiving and done in a way that would maximize drama and publicity. I never cease to be amazed at the uses people find for social networking.
This is depressing, has there ever been a happy story like getting out of touch and then going to being friends again?
This thread inspired me to look up a friend who ditched me without warning a year ago. I think it was partially motivated by the fact that I was unemployed at the time and couldn't keep up with the whirl of her social set. I thought she was doing so well, but I see that she just refinanced a house she paid $150,000 for 10 years ago for the same amount last month. She must be running up the credit card bills. *rubs palms together in glee*
No, R56, this thread reminded me of my high-living former friend and your post inspired me to go check the public real estate site on her. She lorded her social status over me to a certain extent, and I admit it feels good to see the shoe on the other foot for once.
I feel no compunction about looking up the info on someone I'm never speaking to again. It won't be used against her and I would never let anyone outside of an anonymous forum know I cared enough to look it up. I'm sorry about what happened to you.
First time it happened was when I was a teenager, somebody who had been my best friend since we were toddlers. I was very close to the entire family, especially their mom, who was like a second mother to me. Our mothers were really close friends too. She just started acting very unfriendly and irritable when she was with me, one day I called her house and heard her in the background, loudly telling the person who answered the phone, "Is it her again? I wish she'd just stop calling!" I've never spoken to her again. It was awkward because some close mutual friends lived next door for years afterwards and I could not visit them without the family seeing my car. Several times her mother ran out the door to greet me. I adored her mother and didn't want to hurt her. I had a very close relationship with one of her siblings too, and it was too awkward to continue that friendship.
Second time, I was close friends with someone whose her husband was abusing their very young son. I finally couldn't deal with it anymore and vaguely said she should consider doing something about it. She never spoke to me again, but continued to keep up with every other mutual friend who then all wondered out loud why she so obviously dropped me. She never said anything to me about why, just never spoke to me again. I didn't even realize what had happened until one of our mutual friends mentioned she had been in touch with every person in our circle but me. I was the one she was closest to, by far, which they all knew. They were all embarrassed for me. I had no idea what to say.
I didn't have an actual quarrel with either person. If someone doesn't want to talk to me, I respect that. I'd feel a lot better if I'd had the closure of at least a nasty email. It's made me not trust my ability to make friends or understand people.
I must have Aspberger's.
It's happened to me (and I've posted about it on DL a while back on another thread) but my friend's mother just had this happened to her--a friend from the 60s contacted her on Facebook to rekindle the relationship. Soon after they were talking on the phone daily. He even flew across the country to hang out with her a few times.
One day she called and he said he was busy but he'd call right back. That was months ago. She knows from Facebook that he is alive and well. She's reached out to him, left him messages, and nothing, not a word.
People are really shitty to each other.
I'd love to hear from someone who can explain why they think that's okay, R59. That's just inexplicably rude and heartless to me.
They don't seem to understand or care how devastating that is to someone, or how it undermines one's self confidence, when you don't know if you've done something wrong or if it has nothing to do with you.
R59, Facebook is evil. My high-living friend, who I hadn't seen in 20 years, contacted me through my sister's account, since I don't have one. For about six months it was like we'd picked up where we'd left off, and then she just stopped returning my emails.
The irritating thing is she and at least five other people from high school and college have friended my sister. At my request, she politely declines when they ask her for my contact info. These are people my sister was never really friends with, people I don't ever want to speak to again. And I know they remain Facebook friends with her just in case she mentions me.
Okay I NEED A POSITIVE STORY
Gay people are used to being suddenly dumped by friends. It doesn't hurt any less though
JUST happened to me recently! I realized I hadn't seen any Facebook posts from a certain friend of mine in a while, so I checked my friend list only to discover he was no longer on it! I thought maybe he'd deleted his FB page, but nope...it still comes up in the search. For some reason it wouldn't allow me to message him on FB to ask why he deleted me, so I attempted calling him on a few different occasions now. No answer. Emailed him asking what's up? No answer. It's truly bizarre to me, I've done NOTHING to deserve being "dumped"...quite the contrary, I've tried helping him as best as I could through his recent hard times. I have to assume at this point that he's just gone crazy in the head. I know for sure it was nothing I've done. Can't waste anymore time/energy worrying about it.
A "friend" of almost 46 years did this to me. I didn't find out until after his death last year it was because I didn't want to be the executor of his estate.
I've had a few close friends sort of phase me out over the years. As a school kid it was because I was less popular. As an adult it had to do with the fact that I was struggling financially and not keeping up with the Jones'. It's usually like that Ripley movie where Philip Seymour Hoffman is snobbish to Matt Damon. You realize when the friends of your friends don't think you're up to par. Money and status matter, even in old friendships.
I had a very close friend for several years. She was in my wedding. We always got along and even though before my wedding moved away, we would email and talk regularly. We were so close, the distance barely mattered. After the wedding, I heard from her one time (a nice, normal correspondence), and that was it. No returning emails, no returning texts, no picking up the phone when I called. She liked my spouse, and the feeling was mutual, so I don't think it was the wedding that did it. It is likely that she decided some time ago to end the friendship and just went through the motions of being in the wedding and then was through. It was so awkward when pictures came back from the wedding not too long afterwards and she was already avoiding me. I have not made a friend since then that I have been anywhere near as close with, and part of me doesn't care because it has taken me years to accept that a close friend that I cared about so much dropped me without a second thought. I even emailed her asking what I had done and no response, I cannot imagine why she dropped me with no reason at all.
I had a friend do that to me after 22years of friendship. We had been friends all through highschool, college and after. When I left NYC and moved to LA she became distant and would not initiate communication. I would always have to be the one to reach out. A mutual friend would have me come visit but I never stayed with my good friend when I was back in NY, she never asked me. I found out from the mutual friend that that my friend was coming to CA to visit her brother who had moved out here and was living about an hour or so North of LA. She and her husband were also visiting Vegas a couple times a year but she never told me. Finally one year I was back East working on a project and I had a death in my family. I let her know and we talked a bit but she was on her way out of the country and said she would call when she returned. I never heard from her again.
I have never had as close a friendship with anyone as I had with her. At times it felt like we were married just with no sex between us. I didn't think that because I was moving across the country that it would effect our friendship at all. But obviously something about me leaving turned her cold.
I'm telling you... it's a goddam chick thing. Truth hurts.
Good new is they always come back eventually so you can tell them to remain under the rock from which they crawled. And smile, lesson officially learned. Too many good folks out there to fuck around with the assholes.
One tried to reach back out to me earlier this year -- after abruptly disappearing since 2008 -- and I didn't even entertain idea. Way I see it is anyone who gives up my friendship is an idiot because I am a great friend (especially after reading this thread... I never ever do that passive/aggressive game play of dumping anyone).
I do think girls do it more than guys, because there is still the underlying feeling that women can't tell their feelings for fear of looking "bitchy" and somehow think cutting you off is better. Are men more forthright when they are pissed at you? I think the majority are posting about women who have done this to them- anyone out there have a male friend drop you?
This is primarily a female problem. Starts in gradeschool.
It's men too. Men are less passive aggressive, but I've definitely been blown off by close male friends.
Where would we be without it?!
My best friend from high school 'mysteriously' stopped talking to me right after I told him I was gay. I confronted him about it one time asking why he no longer talked to me and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about--like everything was cool. Then he proceeded to never talk to me again.
And if I ever make money than god, this is what I'll do.
We'll need a service for gay old people.
One or many of you is marter than me. We could do this.
Great book about this topic. (I'm a gay guy so the 'female' centric title and topic shouldn't put you off. It was very interesting (like this thread !)
Severely gaunt and underweight?
Hairless as a baby?
Known for shreiking at a moment's notice?
You can come play with us.
Sometimes this has everything to do with the other person. I had a friend who suddenly did not return calls, e-mails, etc. A few years later, she later contacted me and said she had gone through a deep depression and had cut everyone off. She had gained a lot of weight, lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and other things that made her feel like a loser, so she cut off contact with everyone because she was embarrassed. She said questions that came up in normal conversation (e.g., how's work going) made her feel like a complete failure. She felt like everyone else was successful. After a couple years of therapy, she reached back out to people. I'm glad she did.
I dumped a friend of mine because he was a gossipy toxic queen who couldn't mind his own fucking business.
When I decided to join the military, my best friends dropped me. My best male friend came to my mother's house and bizarrely told an untrue story about me using drugs in front of my family. I immediately called him out on it, and he just got a weird smile on his face. Since that day, he has never responded to any form communication from me again.
My best female friend asked to join with me so we could go through training together (we both worked at the same dead end job.) I gave my recruiter her number, and he called and asked the standard handful of questions to see if you qualify to serve. She proceeded to flip out at me and ranted about the government trying to collect our personal information. I shipped out. One time I ran into her while I was on leave. I told her everything turned out great, that I would be in town for 2 weeks. She didn't talk about her life, and asked me to call her. She never returned my call.
Oooh snap R80, your insecurity is as bright as the sun.
What you've just told us R80, is that you did something bad and your friend knows about it, and that's why you dumped him.
Apparently he feels he can't be real around his "friends." He doesn't want friends, he wants references.
Yes. And I know it's for real because he recently notified all of our mutual friends except me that his partner's father died. And I'm the only one of the friends who's ever even met the partner's family.
Would you send the partner a sympathy card?
This happened to me a few years ago. My friend started dating someone who was very controlling. He dumped me and several other friends. It is because the boyfriend was quite emotionally abusive,
and my friend was so desperate for love he just accepted it. Some day I expect I will hear about a murder/suicide mentioning their names.
I'm on the verge of dumping a friend I've known for years. Last night, he happened to call at a moment he knew was very stressful to me. During the conversation, he said he was going to a social event to which I know it would have been acceptable to invite someone at the last minute.
But he didn't ask me.
I'm supposed to listen to all the drama, all the shit he has going on in his life, and he doesn't ask me out at what was a very stressful moment, one when he knew I would have been happy to get out of the house.
I'm not particularly sad about it. It doesn't hurt like getting dumped by a boyfriend or anything like that. But he could have done something to make my life a little more pleasant, but chose not to.
Bradley, is that you?
Having ended relationships with a number of "friends" and having had "friends" cut off their connections with me; I have learned that the concept of what "friendship" is to one, can be just the opposite to another.
Friendships develop and remain for many different reasons. That having been said it is the quality of the friendship that usually over time develops on BOTH SIDES which either makes it stronger or weaker. People change and develop in different areas of growth; as anyone does as they move forward with their life. No one stays the same and with that our interest and tolerant for others change as we change.
Your friends from employment can be due to the daily contact that forces you both to stay in contact, just like in college or high school, or the summer house you shared in Fire Island or by joining a weekly club or going out to the same bar or dance club - once that environment has ended and it can end because one or the another is no longer interested in that "scene" or "going out to that club" or "hanging out to meet men", in many ways the friendship maybe over too.
Lets face it many, many friendship end once your "best friend" meets a "man" or get married or change jobs. It's over, unless there is truly a emotional positive "pay-off" that comes from being together. How many friendships were in reality an "escort" or a "good listener" or a "should to cry on" until someone better came along.
What I have read in this thread is that these friendships ended coldly without any word, which is mean, cruel and truly thoughtless. It does make me wonder about these individuals and about their relationships and if these "friendships" were equal in their RECIPROCATION to each other. Were these friendships balanced, did both of you truly hear what the other was saying. Were both needs in the friendship met or were these friendships just "fair weather" friendships is much more common.
We all have had emotional vampires in our lives. Unhealthy relationships where the person you are friends with is just plain toxic!
A total drain in our life and the individual is so self centered that they don't have a clue how to be a true friend. Narcissistic individuals - of which there are many! Who think nothing and know nothing else but to manipulate and reciprocity - which is the very basis for creating a balance and true relationship, can never be there, ever.
Learn from these horrible relationships with insight and maturity and move on. Be glad they are out of your life.
Yes, I was madly in love with him, and he and I were best friends for nearly ten years. He made it clear that he didn't want a relationship. He wanted me to blow him a few times, when he was loaded, I told him no. Then suddenly he turned on me. I remember when I first met him, he warned me that "everybody thinks I'm an asshole, and I know that I am. " He ended up proving his point. I don't particularly miss him, because he changed, yet I miss the innocence he stole from my heart.
[quote]Would you send the partner a sympathy card?
R88, if you genuinely care[d] about the partner or his late father, then yes, it's a good idea to send a sympathy card.
No, but I've cut friends off for their disloyalty.
I had what I thought was a good friend. He constantly did for years what thought was shady. Shady moments here and there. So his car got stolen and he wanted to borrow my car to go to a job interview. I told him that was fine but I needed it back by 2 because I had to drive from the valley to LA to an interview (I was writing at the time). He called me at 2 and told me he would be back in an hour, I was livid. I told him I had to have it back now, that I will have to cancel my interview which was a pain in the ass to set up. He came in at 3, carrying a container of food I thought was a piece offering. Nope he sat down in my living room and started eating the Chinese food I was pissed. I told him I had to go and escorted him out. I went down to my car. On the dash in the corner was a stub from beach parking in Santa Monica. That was it. I was done. I just stopped calling, returning calls, I was done.
What did they do, R95? I only recently reflected on some "friends'" loyalty. Few made the cut.
Yup and I was dazed for several years. It's been about 5 years now and I am getting over it.
A mutual friend told me she had asked about me. She is ruthless to people she dumps so this tells me she regrets dumping me and knows there is no going back.
That's basically the situation I'm in, R98.
She married above her class and cut out her hoi polloi friends, of which I was one. Sure, it was fun hanging out in the East Village and early TriBeCa when she was a single student. But when she married a doktah, we got 86ed. Now she's a doktah's wife in a small town, a big fish in a small pond who spends hundreds of thousands on clothing and accessories.
I was gratified to see her daughter did not get into her father's Ivy League school (the family was DYING for her to get accepted -- you can learn so much on the internet!) and had to settle for NYU.
It really hurt at first. She was my best friend for several years. We lived out of each other's pockets. And then I was dropped like yesterday's garbage. I had no idea she was such a money-hungry, status-seeking, label slut. It was the end of the punk era and while we weren't full-on punks, we were punkish and laughed at yuppies. Who knew she was laughing at yuppies because they were so far beneath her goals?
Yes, two friends actually.
We were friends from the third grade until high school graduation.
One friend, Dave, started working full time and decided to hang with his work friends.
The other friend, Steve, went to college and made new college friends.
Neither told me our friendships were over. I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me a few weeks to realize we weren't friends anymore.
That was back in 1992.
My best friend from college. It took a long time--we had been extremely close friends in college and then in graduate school, even through his first job--we talked on the phone at least once a week. But when I moved to a different coast, the friendship started really to cool on his side. I did all the work to keep it going, and called less frequently to give him room--he just wasn't interested. Meanwhile he went through some very serious relationships, investing all his emotional energies into boyfriends who would dump him eventually.
He's been through a lot of therapy, and he knows he has depressive personality disorder. I tried to keep our friendship going for years, until finally when his elderly mother died (his father died years before). When I reached him on the phone, he was completely cold and wouldn't talk for more than a minute. That was the last time we spoke, and it was several years ago.
I think of him a lot, but the friendship is over. At this point I don't want to be friends again--I've been burned too badly too many times.
This is SO pertinent to my dilemma ! I had a very close friend of 20 + years who met this guy who pinged OFF the charts to me (she's female ).One day I was at work and her boyfriend stopped by to drop something off from her,and one of my flaming queen co-workers exclaimed " Why Duane,HOW are you ?!? Duane immediately started stuttering and stammering and beat a hasty retreat ! Of course,I grilled Miss Thing on exactly how she knew him and My God,did he fill my ears ! Turns out I was right,this guy was a notorious bottom that had fucked half the city !
I tried to discreetly clue my friend in,and when that didn't seem to work told her blatantly I thought he was gay ! Well,she married him anyway and they even had a child.
I can accept sexuality being fluid,so while I wasn't thrilled she had married a big old homo it didn't affect our friendship much.
The real problem is this... one day I was visiting and she and I were out on the patio while he and her 8 year old from a previous marriage were inside,and I went in to say goodbye.As I walked up the hall I could clearly see reflected in a dresser mirror him sitting on the bed holding up a long, round bolster pillow in front of his crotch while her son mimicked going down on him. I turned around and went out the door and left.Now I ask you,HOW am I supposed to tell her about that ?!? Its been a few years now,and I dropped all contact with her and avoid her like the plague,though she still reaches out during the holidays and my birthday. I feel horrible about it,and every time she reaches out I feel even more horrible . She emailed me that her son,now a teen,has started acting up and shes at her wits end,but her "husband" doesn't support her to be tough on him ! I don't know what to do,or say,and I have few regrets in my life , but how I wish I had went back outside and told her ! I never even told her about what the queen said !
Ive tried to convince myself its not what it seemed like,but I know in my heart what I saw. Shes hurt by my sudden rejection,and the few times weve spoken I hear it in her voice,but I just cant tell her. Can I ?
" the whole friendship was fake from the beginning."
Those that fail are usually fake.
r103, your biggest problem is your lack of knowledge about how "return" keys work.
The friendship would be in shambles no matter what you did.
You weren't going to be believed by the woman - you should have called services on them and issued a formal complaint.
Again, your friendship was doomed when you saw that sexual abuse. You would always be perceived as the bad guy even if did the right thing.
Learn from these horrible relationships with insight and maturity and move on. Be glad they are out of your life.
Life Lesson 1.
My best friend from high school fell out of touch with me. I don't want to rekindle the friendship, I just want to know how the life story turned out. I've accounted for everyone else I cared about. But this one is elusive and I wonder if she is dead because I can't find anything on the internet. And I'm an amazing internet sleuth.
Maybe a car accident, maybe cancer. I doubt suicide.
I did find out a few years ago that another former close high school friend died "suddenly" on New Year's Day about 10 years ago. I assume that meant suicide or a car accident or accidental OD. I wasn't surprised. She was from a very close, big Irish catholic family and was very butch. I could definitely see there being family stress.
Does the douchebag dumper ever think to themselves what a fucking dick they were and that they ruined a wonderful thing? Do these selfish jerks even once think how their actions make others feel? People who were once very, very close to them now feel like they can't even speak to the person lest they be hurt in some way -- again -- usually just by being ignored.
If you're reading this, ex friend, fuck you.
Yeah I've been dumped. It always hurts. But in one case I was rather relieved as she had been a woman who had hit on me before she knew I was gay. But I had remained friends a little awkwardly.
Came close to this happening once. A very good friend fell head over heels for a guy I was dating. Apparently knowing he could not have him and seeing us together was more than he could tolerate and he flat out told me he could not go on hanging out with me. A few months later me and the bf broke up and my friend tried to make the moves on him. He was rejected and I guess thought about how foolish he was to ditch me. He reached out and apologized and I forgave him. We remain friends to this day, in fact I would say we are best friends. We laugh about it now.
Bros before bros, R111.
102...his mother just died! Did you really expect your friend to be bubbly and outgoing....after his mother just died? You sound clueless or maybe you are just very self centered.
This was bizarre, was supposed to see a movie with a friend. We liked to hang out with each other but I can't say he was a best friend. We had been friends for about 3 years. Day of the movie, I called a few times, nothing. I called once or twice the next day or two just to see if he was OK. Nada. A few months later I saw him at a local bar. He came up and said hello, I walked away.
No clue what happened and why. I must admit it didn't bother me all that much. I just found it very strange.
ive had friends cut me off, mostly out of jealousy and stupidity(I don't drink or do drugs so it "pisses" all them off). idc really most male friendships are total bs anyway all they do is lie and steal from each other and talk behind their backs or to their face.
Yes, since third grade. When she got married, things gradually began to change. I would say that I am in the slow process of being dumped, i.e. very infrequent phone calls, etc. etc. It does suck and it hurts, esp. since the only thing I did "wrong" (at least from what I can think of) is be her longtime friend and thus be somewhat of a "threat" to hubby dearest.
I was dumped by someone who was probably the best friend I ever had and I know I was a wonderful friend to her. There was never an explanation and I was heartbroken for a few years.
About six months ago I ran into her by chance. The look on her face told me so much. She may not have ever thought about it before but I knew she missed me and regretted the loss of contact. I asked her if she would meet for coffee/a drink if I called her and she said yes.
I had every intention of meeting up with her but I realized that seeing the regret on her face, knowing she knew she made a mistake was enough for me. No need to rekindle a friendship with someone who treated me so poorly. It was my closure and I've moved on.
Yes, twice by a guy who was as close as a brother. We met at work and were "partners in crime" seeking harmless fun, close friends for 7 years. He had sequential LTRs with 2 guys who never seemed like a good fit for him, but I always figured it was because he had a longtime unresolved dynamic with his closest high school friend. They were both closeted in high school, never came out to one another, and clearly had a real connection but just couldn't deal with it.
My friend was thoughtful and generous to me but I had a low level feeling that he'd take advantage of folks he acted as though he genuinely liked, but truly didn't truly care about. It was a weird feeling I couldn't shake, because he basically wasn't a manipulator type. He was a really sweet guy generally
Eight years into that friendship my mother died - she was a complex, deeply needy woman who never got over my dad dying young and leaving her with two teens. I had a hard time adjusting in the year or so after she died, and totally own that I was moody, difficult and hard to be around. My friend exploded at me and disappeared. No explanation, no indication he was dropping the friendship instead of being pissed off and simply needing some space for awhile. His anger was about something pretty inconsequential and took me by surprise but I realized it was a last straw type moment for him.
It hurt that he just froze me out without a word, knowing what I'd gone through with my mom. I reached out by phone and mail but got dead silence. But I had been intense around my mom dying and so I eventually tried hard to accept what had happened and my part in it.
Years later he resurfaced in my life. He was involved with a guy who was clearly a meal ticket and a class above him. My friend had become the type of fussy pretentious gay he'd always disliked, but at the same time his always sweet nature seemed unchanged. Never any discussion of what happened between us was offered; but clearly he wanted to pick up our friendship like nothing had happened . He seemed edgier, and distant in an odd way but tried hard to cultivate our old way of being buddies.
Then once again he vanished - this time with no presenting issue like a fight and once again he iced me with silence. It was brutal, and I kicked myself for having trusted him and engaging the friendship again. But it was awkward because this time we had mutual friends with whom I was very close and he was very much in touch with them. It was upsetting and infuriating because the situation made no sense. Then stories started surfacing from those mutual friends that explained a lot.
Apparently he'd increasingly cultivated new friendships , got close to people and stole them blind right under their noses. An ever expanding circle of victims surfaced. Then there were some serious allegations that a major theft from a workplace had taken place several years earlier.
My friend's first disappearance/silence had apparently coincided with that major theft. The more time went by the more he stole but increasingly from friends not businesses. I guess I was spared, unlike many of his friends.
Sadly, he'd become a sick man and a compulsive thief. He was so good at masking it but I realize now he couldn't pull off the charade with me because we 'd been so close for so long.
It was a great lesson, teaching me to never presume anything when a friend pulls a disappearing act. And never blame yourself for the outcome; just take responsibility for your own shit but don't take on more than. 50% for the relationship. Doing so usually results in cleaner, healthier friendships.
So sad you had to post this thread H.
You're a hag. That's why I ditched you. That and you were boring,
I am currently "dropping" a friend. We still message but I don't reply as often or confide in her in as much things as before. She still does it, which consists of her tales of ailments and complaints and how she's suffering.
I realized the so called friendship really only worked "long distance" or with infrequent meetups. We have known each other for 20+ years. Not close friends though.
There were always signs that it was an imbalanced relationship. Little signs like her always changing or cancelling our meetups in the past.
Recently she had an especially rough time and spent days with me on a few occasions. This unfortunately was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I felt even more depressed and exhausted after spending time with her and had to spend weeks trying to "recover" after her. I dreaded receiving her messages. I fantasized about blocking her text messages, often.
She's not a bad person, but is incredibly self centred and can be very selfish to people close to her.
I feel guilty about kind of dumping her in a time of need. But honest assessment tells me I shouldn't have to suffer and expend so much emotional and mental energy on someone who doesn't really care about me.
I was friends with a girl in grade school, and after a brief time when she wanted to be friends with popular girls instead, we reconnected in college -- she said she realized who her "real friends" were. She had a huge problem in college with transfer credits and other stuff and called me literally every day to complain, talk, vent, and even cry. Her parents had been acquaintances with my parents and several times her mom thanked me for being there for her.
Then, just as she was about to finally get her degree, she started distancing herself. It felt like she had just used me to help her when she needed it, but I thought, surely not.
Then she moved to her new job and started acting crazy. I called her once, could hear she had guests over, so I told her I'd call back, and instead she LIED, saying there was no party going on. I could hear her talking to other people! She would also email me, hey I'm going to be in town so let's get together, then never answer her phone or make solid plans. The following Monday, she would say she hadn't been able to make it into town. Every fucking weekend for three months she did that -- I wasn't asking to get together, SHE was, so it was completely baffling.
One weekend, I saw her out shopping with her mom here in town, but that Monday she emailed me once again saying she hadn't been in town. I was fed up. I didn't even WANT to get together with her anymore, but I thought I'd ask, see if something was wrong: "If you don't want to get together, that's fine. You don't have to lie to me."
Never heard from her again. Even when my parents died -- and her parents knew mine -- they didn't send a sympathy card. Ran into mutual friends twice who told me she'd been telling them she and I were STILL friends! They were shocked to find out I hadn't spoken to her for years.
A couple months ago I signed up for Facebook, friended an actor who turned out to be friends with this lady's father. I checked out her page -- hadn't spoken with her in 14-15 years at that point so I didn't think it would be a big deal if I ended up on a friend-of-a-friend page (or however it works). But she must have freaked, because when I went back to show my partner her page a couple days later, it was set to private with her "cover" photo changed to, "If you look for me WHOLEHEARTEDLY only then you will FIND me."
Maybe had something to do with me, maybe not, but it certainly speaks to the kind of person she is now.
Yes... on both ends of this one, OP. There are people who have forcibly dumped me, and people I've forcibly dumped.
Every relationship ends this way. I wear people out. They don't actually dump me; they just quietly fade away, finding less and less time to be with me, less and less reason.
I've lived my whole life off the crumbs of affection flecked off their dinner jackets and lap napkins as they cha cha cha'd their way through my living room.
And i thanked their generosity fervently.
The OP is too stupid to know the guy died.
The most annoying is when they see you for the first time in years and seem to happy to be in your company again.
Then you try to make further plans for a trip together or something and they drop off the face of the earth, like they are hoping you will just get the message that they don't want anything to do with you.
Of course, just weeks earlier the guy was as happy as can be to see me. Genuinely happy. What a stupid fucked up way to dump someone. If you're going to do it, do it right and don't send these bullshit mixed messages.
When I retired a few months ago, I dumped two troublesome narcissists. Best decision ever.
"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it ... You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
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