I love, LOVE my boyfriend of 16mos. He's wonderful and perfect in all ways but one. He's a complete bottom. I'm versatile. We have said we'd work on it; We've tried Viagra, cognitive therapy, how-to books... he says it's a mental thing and gets very nervous when he attempts it. He deflated even with Viagra. We've talked about my fears and how I think about sex with other guys, but we are completely monogamous. It hurts me to even think about ending our relationship over this, but I am very afraid that I will stray which is something I do not think is acceptable. What do I do?
Buy a dildo and have him use it on you.
I've brought it up, he says the idea that he can't please his boyfriend is shameful to him.
Tell him he has nothing to be ashamed of. And that if he uses the dildo on you is IS pleasing you.
LOL! UR gonna cheat on ur bf because you can't live without a dick up ur ass!
This is why tops should only date bottoms and versatiles only date versatiles. For those that like strict roles, they certainly shouldn't feel bad about it! Acknowledge it and understand that sexually compatibility is just as important as emotional compatibility (or any other construct) when starting a committed relationship.
I'm a total top. I only bottom when a long term partner is desperate to top me. And if it's more than once a year, it's too much for me. I hate doing it. Why in the hell would I ever even start to date a versatile? Disaster waiting to happen.
One word: volunteer
? R-6. I'm confused, what do you mean?
P and D
The P and D troll
I punch and delete as soon as a top announces he is versatile. I'm a bottom. I need a top, not a question mark.
If you've already exhausted all logical ways out of this bind, you should do the grown up thing and part ways in as friendly a way as possible.
I speak from experience. Sexual compatibility in a relationship is ESSENTIAL. Without it, the petty quirks that get on your nerves about the other person start to assume outsize proportions.
You explode at him because he leaves his socks on the floor. Why? Because he won't top you, that's why.
We get it R9. You don't think you're man enough to top therefore you project your insecurities on to anyone who enjoys bottoming.
It's just like guys who can't stand femme guys usually end up being super femme themselves.
I hate fruit without a good topping. Fresh cream counters the acid.
R11 you are full of shit.
Tops need bottoms, bottoms need tops. This guy is not for you OP.
I would like to think that sex is not that important in a relationship as long as there is love. I wonder sometimes if I'm not what he needs, I'm afraid I'll only hurt him in the end. I do love him, I don't see my life without him.
I agree with other posters who say tops should date bottoms, versatile guys should date other versatile guys. I'm always very careful about compatibility. Sexually, unless the guy is a top, it never works. I dated a vers guy for a few months. He always wanted me to pay attention to his ass. Nope. As a bottom, I need the attention down there!
How old are you and your bf?
Masturbate your needs away. Because you know that if you cheat on your loving bf, you'll be no different/better than a German shepherd dog.
OP, this calls for extreme measures like drugs or hypnosis or maybe evan an intervention where you send him to a secluded "top camp" and he can be brain washed to enjoy it.
Do you have a nice ass OP? Unfortunately, all ass is not good ass. Just like all pussy is not good pussy.
OP is a slave to his hungry hole.
I've said it before but you all bitched at me. We need a way to ID tops and bottoms.
You know it would be so much simpler...
Ride a dildo while you're fucking him. Better still, when you're fucking him, switch roles and sit on his dick. Better still, quit anal and free yourselves of heteronormative sex.
[quote]We've tried Viagra, cognitive therapy, how-to books...
There are how-to books on how to top? lol
R17. He's 29, I'm 31. This is the first long term relationship for both of us.
Cognitive therapy -- Close your eyes and chant:
I do believe in hole
I do believe in hole
How about quitting anal as it is the issue. Focus on other types of sex. You may both find that it isn't so important as you thought, or you might return to fucking with a different perspective.
Put some Tabasco in his asshole.
Why not just be open? He can get cock, you can get cock. It's win-win, cock-cock.
r 28 I like that advice. R30, thank you but an open relationship is not an option for either of us, just a personal conviction.
Seriously OP, it worked for me and my partner. We have so many things we do to get off together now. Anal is not top of the list now. Five years down the relationship, and this is the hottest sex either of us have ever had. Gay sex doesn't have to be based on hetero norms. I have found the reverse is true. Giving up one of you being "the man" is the most liberating thing I have embraced. Neither of us need to fuck to be completely fulfilled.
R31 You say an open relationship is not an option why?
Because from where I sit to have this relationship survive 5yrs or 10 you are going to have to compromise on something otherwise you wil both be unhappy.
You started this thread saying you had thoughts of straying.Surely discussing the possibility of an open relationship or having sex with another person and playing together is better than sneaking behind his back and being fucked by someone else.
I get the love angle,but after 16 months to have been to a counselling etc. says to me something has to give and soon.
You either have to get your needs met by someone or something.If he is as in love with you as you are with him,you both need to think outside the box,especially if you want this to last more than a few months.
You need to lay it on the line with him and if he is unable to help,then you need to think if you can do without this for what might be the rest of your life?Can you?
I met a dude from Grindr. I told him I don't bottom and he said that he was cool with only bottoming. But when it got down to it he kept pressuring me to the point of annoyance.
He worked t a hospital that had a Facebook page. I created a fake profile using his same profile pic and info to make it look like his, and posted the nude pic he sent me while he was clearly in the hospital and tagged their page so they would see it. Once I saw they deleted my post and gifting his workplace had seen the picture, I removed his profile pic, changed the name and deactivated the account.
Then cheat. Cheating isnt really a big deal anymore. Everyone does it. Everyone.
OP, what do you think your boyfriend thinks of all this? Psychologically, he knows you need dick too and you arent just the supplier anymore. He might feel like you are neglecting his sexual needs by taking him out of his usual role. What's to keep HIM from cheating with a guy who only wants to top him? Then you would really feel duped. These are the worse case scenarios you need to consider. The need to get your man-pussy rocked by a giant dick is very powerful and makes people make bad decisions.
R32. I hear what you are saying. I want us to keep going, continue trying other things...but I really do like being on the receiving end. My sex life has felt really inadequate/unfulfilled without it.
R33. We both are against an open relationship, we both think sex is something to share only with one another. I have friends that have open relationships, it works for them but not for us. You're right though when you say I need ti ask myself if it'something I could do without forever. I may just have to, I don't see me without us.
R36. He knows exactly how I feel and it terrifies him, worrying that he potentially will not be enough. He is trying to work through his anxiety.
Maybe I just need to be more patient and understanding.
[quote]He worked t a hospital that had a Facebook page. I created a fake profile using his same profile pic and info to make it look like his, and posted the nude pic he sent me while he was clearly in the hospital and tagged their page so they would see it. Once I saw they deleted my post and gifting his workplace had seen the picture, I removed his profile pic, changed the name and deactivated the account.
If you've resorted to getting advice from this site, I'd say there's something wrong that doesn't even have to do with sex itself.
Just throw a key stroke logger on his phone and computer.
R40 - He's definitely getting what he wants. It's I who is wavering.
Brandon, that's really twisted. not funny. Get counseling.
[quote]Because from where I sit to have this relationship survive 5yrs or 10 you are going to have to compromise on something otherwise you wil both be unhappy.
r33, how long have you been in an LTR?
How would he feel about a woman with a strap-on?Maybe it won't feel so much like cheating if it's almost a sexual release in a sorta non-sexual way as possible.
OP, if you're wavering because you need to be fucked, you've got a bigger problem. and if he feels bad for not pleasing you you're probably making it worse.
I'm in a relationship where my partner is mostly bottom. I've been in a relationship before this where my partner was a mostly a top. Both of these guys over time made an effort to flip for me and both proved they could do it and well. For me it was and is about being sexual with fhem and I like making them happy and I have to say proud of my versatility.
the relationship has to be more than just sex for the
sex to be great over a long term
if you never learn this, you're not meant for a long term relationship
LOL @ R36. "Dick will make you slap somebody."
with all due respect, there is absolutely no way that after only 16 months both of you can both just LOVE, LOVE each other. most straight people make similar mistakes.
both of you should get your mutual needs fulfilled soon or break up, end of story.
best of luck.
I don't do anal sex, either way, so I am not qualified to comment. But, oh man, do I have questions! This seems to be some sort of performance anxiety, or a mental block which prevents a man from penetration. I saw in an old movie, supposedly based upon fact, where a group of American soldiers gang raped a German girl after the war. Robert Blake played one of the soldiers, and his character had this psychological problem which prevented him from penetration, and he was so ashamed of it that he was willing to be wrongfully convicted along with those who actually did rape the girl, rather than to deny the charge. Does such a man as OP describes fantasize about penetration of another man while he masturbates? Have any of you dataloungers ever overcome this in order to please the man who wants you in his asshole? If so, how did you do it? Do those who are unable to penetrate see themselves as women in their fantasies? When I was very young, I did not know what a homosexual was, but I had seen a movie called "The Christine Jorgensen Story", and read magazine articles about sex change. The propaganda was that homosexuals are perverts, and need to be either locked in a mental hospital if they have not had sex, and locked in a prison they have actually been guilty of "sodomy". But there are some men who are actually women trapped in a man's body who are not dirty filthy perverted homosexuals, and these pitiful creatures need to have sex-change operations. Therefore I dealt with my same-sex attractions by fantasizing during masturbation that I had a sex-change operation and that the man I had a crush on was fucking me in my new vagina. Once I had my orgasm, the fantasy was over, I was not a trans-gender anymore, I was my male self again, and I would consider it a nightmare to think about my male genitals being mutilated. This did not go on very long, and by the time I was 14 years old, I never fantasized about sex-change or felt feminine again. I'm just wondering if these who can't penetrate got trapped into that sort of thinking as boys, and never fully realized their manhood? I had performance anxiety with women to start with, but I got over it after the first intercourse with each woman. And then after I had been with a few different women, I had no more performance anxiety. I never had performance anxiety with a man sucking me off, because I never doubted that I would get hard and get off if ANYBODY would do that for me. Please don't be offended and try to explain this total bottom thing to me.
Interesting points, R48. Maybe a preference to bottom only or top only is something that truly is unchangeable for some people, just like orientation. Maybe attempts to MAKE them change really fucks them up in the head, the same way people get screwed up when they try to "pray the gay away" and become something they are not.
Tell him you need to get fucked now and then and see if he'll agree to an open relationship.
Is he afraid of your hole?
Is he afraid of hurting you?
Does he think butt sex is icky?
what R$ said.
OP, there are tops out there that prey specifically on dudes like you. You will get sent home to your boyfriend with a worn out asshole and regret.
R45 - you are right, I do recognize that our relationship has to be more than just sex; so I am trying to work this all out to avoid losing our relationship because of not so satisfying sex. It is truly difficult sometimes.
R47 - I don't know, I think sometimes people can know rather quickly, not instantly that they love someone deeply. He's a wonderful man, I am most fortunate to have him. We both feel that way. We are far from a "perfect" relationship and have our disagreements, but we find a way to work through everything.
R53 - you are definitely correct. I would be ashamed of hurting him that way.
Many of you have been a terrific sounding board and offered great adivce. Thank you.
To those of you who were crass...in some small way many of you provided useful points. So, thanks for that as well.
OP, why didn't you answer my questions at R51?
WHY won't he top you?
[quote]I am trying to work this all out to avoid losing our relationship because of not so satisfying sex.
OP, I hate to rip your blinders off so forcefully, but hot sex in a long-term monogamous relationship ALWAYS DIES AT SOME POINT. There's only so much you can do to or with one person, *regardless* of how hot it is in the beginning, in the true long term (at LEAST five years out, if not more). You will NEVER be able to sustain a true LTR until you can accept this eventuality and either make peace with it or, like many long-term couples, figure out that your "personal convictions" about having an open relationship are a) based in silly heteronormative constructs that you have to be "faithful" to each other to have a successful relationship, never mind that the innate male brain is designed to urge the male body to spread its seed (literally) as far as possible and with as many sexual partners as possible, and b) simply not practical if you have a larger-than-normal sex drive. I'm cutting you some slack because I, too, used to find the notion of an open or semi-open LTR unfathomable for me personally, but ultimately I figured out that love and sex don't *have* to be intertwined and that it's not a "betrayal" of love to have sex with someone else, AS LONG AS YOU AND YOUR PARTNER MUTUALLY AGREE to it.
As for my own situation: my partner and I have been together for 14 years. We love each other deeply and plan to marry as soon as same-sex marriage is legalized throughout the U.S. Sex-wise, our strict rules are the following (and they've worked just fine for over 10 years now):
1) One-time sex with someone else is fine. More than that is unacceptable. Condoms are ALWAYS required.
2) No restrictions at all for securing a third (or a third AND fourth) for us both to enjoy, repeatedly, as long as there is NO individual contact with him/them beyond hookups as couples.
3) With rare exceptions, it's "don't ask, don't tell." (Exceptions have included a) a couple of instances where a condom broke; b) encountering a one-time hookup much later in a social or work setting; and c) inadvertently hooking up with a guy one of our friends was dating at the time (the guy claimed during the hookup that he was "single" even though they'd been together nearly six months by then).
[quote]OP, I hate to rip your blinders off so forcefully, but hot sex in a long-term monogamous relationship ALWAYS DIES AT SOME POINT.
Yet another gay male that thinks his personal experience can be extrapolated to every gay male.