This is a question primarily for middle-aged (or older) gay man who are single, or attached but in ope relationships. How do you manage your sex lives? How do you find sex partners?
I'm 46, still in relatively good shape and relatively handsome. I'm mostly a top, but my penis may as well dry up and fall off for the lack of action I've been getting lately. When I was younger there was no shortage of sex partners. But now I'm lucky if I get laid once a month. I've decided this must stop and I need to have more sex. I'm a man. I have needs.
How do you conduct your sex lives? Do you have regular sex buddies? Hook up online? Go to the baths? Jerk off alone?
I used to have one or two sex buds but those relationships always ebb and flow. Eventually we get bored with each other and it fizzles.
I have all the hook up apps on my iPhone. Grindr, Scruff, ManHunt, and Squirt. They're all kind of fun in their own way but I rarely end up actually hooking up with anyone. And when I do meet someone it's inevitably disappointing. They look nothing like their pics and aren't nearly as fun as they appear.
Now, the baths. I've been to Steamworks in my city and I have to say that I have had the most luck hooking up here. There's something really practical and matter of fact about places like this. Everyone is there for the same reason and wants it at the same time. Convenient. No muss, no fuss. Now if only I can get over the ickiness factor that I feel after I leave.
And for the record I'm healthy and always play safe.
Frankly I'm a little surprised that sex is so hard to find these days. It used to be everywhere.
A lifetime of a few regular repeaters. Some as long as 20 years. Now and again one moves away and I hook up with another.
You may not like this qualifier. I live in an Army town, most are active duty or retired. Many are married.
Go To The Baths
Website below to navigate through the hallways
I'm 47, work too much, and am not in good shape or physical condition (not fat, just don't exercise and am a bit flabby).
I don't have sex.
It's that simple.
I masturbate to porn.
Done and done.
R4 what about the physical contact. You don't miss exploring one another's bodies, the kissing, the intimacy?
Get a boyfriend OP, regular sex.
You can't be a slut forever.
Go on silver daddy to hook up with young, needy twinks.
Am 71. Usually have a steady paid companion who I am fond of but not in love with. The sex is highly charged and the company fine.
I was wondering when someone would call me a slut.
This isn't about being a slut. It's about having regular sex. People who have or want sex aren't sluts. They're normal human beings.
Or has Datalounge been taken over by nuns?
[quote] Or has Datalounge been taken over by nuns?
OP, get back to Briarcliff!
OP, you're not a whore, darlin.
You're just vapid and shallow.
I'm in the same boat, OP. I often get comments about being handsome so you'd think it would be easier to find sex. I've tried online sites but it's almost always disappointing in the end and not worth the time. Most of my friends are couples who socialize with mostly couples so I rarely meet single guys.
Mostly jack off. That's about it!
I'm 52, very handsome (I have been told) and financially well off. Recently widowed after a 21 year relationship. I'm currently in hibernation mode. I don't know how to date in this new era and am a bit scared about how to do it when ready. Yes, I know about the online sites and apps, but they are not for me.
OP, you get action once a month? Good for you. It's been more than 8 months for me. I'm no longer interested in hook-ups (NTTIAWWT). That was in my youth. I used to be a slut.
Right now, managing my sex life is watching porn and jerking off. I go to a lot of GLBT events for professionals to network (on the professional side, and I don't mean Rentboys), but almost everyone I meet is partnered.
R5, yes I miss all the things you mention.
What sex life?
" ...my penis may as well dry up and fall off …."
OP, you're 46 and have never found lasting, consistent sex within a LTR? Pathetic. Keep it up and in a few short years you'll be one of those leering, hideous eldergay trolls checking out young studs' junk in gym locker rooms.
Right, r16. Partnered guys couldn't possibly be leering, hideous, or old.
You forgot the hissing, R16.
I keep a traveling troupe of midgets chained up in my basement. They satisfy all my needs.
R17, that's not what I meant and you know it. The undercurrent of why OP's "bored" with his sex life and finding it lacking is because he's starting to understand how positively empty it is with someone who's just a one-night hole to use, versus having sex with someone you truly love.
I'm with OP and R12. After my second attempt at a LTR crashed and burned I decided to give up seeking a relationship and instead have hooks ups and occasional dates. What a disaster! The guys my age almost never fulfill the promise of their on-line profiles or pictures. The older ones really want a relationship and waste no time getting clingy. And dont get me started on the younger ones! Its really not worth the drama, the hassle and the effort to be let down time after time. It blows. I am in the best shape I've ever been, look the best I have ever looked and get hit on pretty regularly and I cant even get a blow job with out having to deal with so much bullshit. 2013 is going to be the year I go celibate.
Sorry, r20, could you repeat what you said? The strains of Sondheim's "Being Alive" were drowning you out.
[quote]The guys my age almost never fulfill the promise of their on-line profiles or pictures ... I am in the best shape I've ever been, look the best I have ever looked and get hit on pretty regularly
Call it a random hunch, but I suspect the real problem here is your ego and inability to understand the fact that all the muscles in the world won't obfuscate the fact that you're middle-aged. In other words, your standards are too fucking high; you shouldn't reasonably expect to pull the same kind of hotties you did 20 years ago.
Yes, R23 I would suspect my standards are high but settling for something that I have little interest in in the first place has never been my style. I wouldn't want to be with someone who only chose me because they had nothing better going on, so why would I do the same to another? And no, I dont expect to get the same sort of hotties I got when I was in my 20s. Actually, what I was pulling in then were just average guys which is fine because I'm for the most part just average.
R24 will die alone.
So will you, sweetheart R25, so will you.
I probably will R25 and I'm actually ok with it unlike you who seems very scared of such a possibility.
I'm not "scared," R27, and I have a wealth of loving family members and friends who will hopefully be there in my final days. You, however, should consider what it will *actually* be like to die alone, given that few people die "peacefully" in their sleep.
R28, what fairy tale are you living in. If you're lucky there will be NO ONE around when you die because you will have outlived everyone. Who the fuck wants to be the first to go with a bunch of "loving family and friends" around? Not me.
And how do you know R27 doesn't have a bunch of family and friends himself? He's talking about partners, not family and friends. Get over yourself.
R28 You're trying very hard, but your insecurities are coming through loud and clear. The fact that you "hope" someone will be there when you kick says it all. As far as reconsidering what you have said, sorry old man, but you're not the boss of me. Besides I have thought about it and I have come to the conclusion that whatever I feel once I am dead is pretty silly seeing how I would be, well you know, dead.
You are the only person who is guaranteed to be with you for the rest of your life. Embrace it, because it's true.
The essence of DataLounge is to be found in this thread.
R28 and R29, overreact much?!
[quote]If you're lucky there will be NO ONE around when you die because you will have outlived everyone.
I was referring to people YOUNGER than myself, specifically my three nephews (so far) and any kids I might have someday if I get married.
[quote]The fact that you "hope" someone will be there when you kick says it all. As far as reconsidering what you have said, sorry old man, but you're not the boss of me.
Honey, I'm 41. While that probably makes me an "eldergay" under DL terminology, the reality is that I could very well live another 40-50 years. I put "hope" in that sentence only because I have NO way of anticipating what will happen during that interval. And while I'm single at the moment, I've had several LTRs in the past and hope to have another one soon.
I'm sorry some of you are so damaged and have such toxic relationships with your families that you don't have anyone in your lives who truly loves you, but thankfully others of us do.
[quote] And while I'm single at the moment, I've had several LTRs in the past and hope to have another one soon.
Wow, who would ever guessed that? How can one, at the tender age of 41 have had SEVERAL LTR? Not a few, or one or two, but several? What do you consider long term? Six weeks? And seeing how many failures you have had only reinforces my desire to ignore whatever "wisdom" you feel compelled to share with us.
[quote]I'm sorry some of you are so damaged and have such toxic relationships with your families that you don't have anyone in your lives who truly loves you
No one here has said anything even remotely close to that. Where you got it from is mystery. Of course everything you have written so far screams projection, so that probably is the answer. The fact that so much of what you hope for depends on other people and not anything you can achieve on your own tells a real lot.
Ummmm ... wow ... OK.
Sorry I asked.
[quote]What do you consider long term? Six weeks?
They ranged from 3 to 10 years each.
[quote]The fact that so much of what you hope for depends on other people and not anything you can achieve on your own tells a real lot.
And you think *I'm* the one projecting? Jesus H. Christ! I am actually extremely independent-minded and successful in my career entirely on my own terms, but none of that has ANYTHING to do with what my life will be at 80 or 90 decades after I've retired.
[quote] what my life at 80 or 90 decades after I've retired.
Wouldn't you be like almost 1000 years old by that point?
Poor OP. He posted a thread, hoping for some useful responses. If course it turned into a nasty flame exchange between a couple internet vipers, blame and shame from others, and a few decent responses.
R37, what did you expect. This is DL. There are a few thoughtful threads, but not many. A lot start out serious, but they get derailed by trolls posting from their mother's basement sitting in their underware.
"underware" -- snort!
Sue me for the typo.
'K r41 --
Alert your attorney to be on the lookout for papers from mine at Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.
How much $$$$ you got, Stud Hoss? Need to know how much to tag you for.
R40, you must be new here. The correct response is "oh, dear."
Gay men kiss?
It can be difficult. I was in a LTR for 13 years, mostly single for the last 8 years. I also have not found someone I clicked with despite dating around. Since my LTR, the longest I've dated someone is 5 months. Usually it just peters out by then. So, I've gone the route of online hook ups in between and occasional fuck buds, but the sex is sporadic. Luckily I'm not as horny as I was when I was younger. More often than not, I'll jerk off. I definitely miss the intimacy of the LTR, not to mention the more frequent sex!
[quote][R37], what did you expect. This is DL. There are a few thoughtful threads, but not many. A lot start out serious, but they get derailed by trolls posting from their mother's basement sitting in their underware.
NYStud, posting on "DataLounge get your fix of gay gossip, news and pointless bitchery."
Regular, daily masturbation. I gave up on relationships, companionship and intimate contact with anyone (of either gender) many years ago - I'm obviously meant to be alone - so I have to make do with what I have.
Call it slut or regular sex, the problem many gays have when they turn into old men (around 40?) is that if they've devoted themselves to the market mentality, the market is a cruel mistress and there's less opportunity for them to get laid because they are no longer a valuable commodity.
Worse, the boyfriend market is dried up too. All the good ones are generally taken past a certain point.
[quote]the problem many gays have when they turn into old men (around 40?) is that if they've devoted themselves to the market mentality, the market is a cruel mistress and there's less opportunity for them to get laid because they are no longer a valuable commodity.
Speak for yourself...I've got an 8x7" DICK.
Where are the hot daddies who usually come around to say they have to fend off young guys with a stick?
How do you manage your sex life?
Excel always worked for me.
R46, did you think I was here for intellectual stimulation?
[quote]what about the physical contact. You don't miss exploring one another's bodies, the kissing, the intimacy?
R25 et al is possiblt the most annoying poster DL has ever had
When I see earrings and caftans posts, I have to think it's a straight woman trying desperately to fit in.
R48, I agree entirely, although I'd say the boyfriend market mostly dries up by 35, not 40. That's entirely why, even in my forties, I'm still dating guys a decade or more younger than I am. (No, I'm not bragging; I'd actually rather date someone my age, but try *finding* a single man in his early 40s who's single, not recently out of a LTR, not still trying to act like he's 28, and not so damaged by life/parents/self-loathing about his orientation/a broken heart/childhood taunting/unrealistic "Prince Charming" expectations/ and/or a general failure to date *anyone* seriously, ever (like OP, apparently) that he's incapable of sustaining a reasonably normal long-term relationship with another guy.
I'm 50 and have been in a monogamous relationship for three years.
Before this miracle, throughout my 40s I managed my sex life by having at least one hook up a week. This was accomplished through Craigs List, Manhunt, Adam4Adam and by hanging out in bars.
OP you might be attractive/reasonably attractive but lacking sensuality.
The dating/attraction pool dries up by one's 30s? Jesus, this fugly 40 is fucked (and not in a good way). No wonder I've always been alone.
"And when I do meet someone it's inevitably disappointing. They look nothing like their pics and aren't nearly as fun as they appear."
psst...OP? That's what *everyone* says. Think about it...
[quote]OP you might be attractive/reasonably attractive but lacking sensuality.
This. Truly sensual people are never lacking for partners at any age.
The saddest thing about getting older is how many guys let themselves go (stop working out) -- or did damage smoking, too much sun in their youth and look really bad.
Take away the ones who are coupled and the choices do go down, unless you want to fuck around with younger guys.
Well, I start with phone chat lines and go from there...
[quote]The saddest thing about getting older is how many guys let themselves go (stop working out)
Oh yes, horrible. Men maturing and figuring out that narcissism and muscles don't lead to long-term happiness - what are they THINKING?!?
You sound icky.
Face it, OP. The dating scene is one of the greatest examples of free market forces at work. If nobody's buying what you're selling, you're doing something wrong.
After the last 25 years of Stuart Smalley type self-affirmations, its painfully obvious to anyone who has trolled CL or similar sites that people have an inflated sense of their looks, their bodies, their dick sizes and their charming personalites. Perhaps, OP, you should take a good, long look at yourself before you venture out into the dating arena again.
Good luck, OP. I can definitely relate. I've given up on the online sites.
And, let's face it, Datalounge and R66 are the toilet of gay men so you won't get much good advice here.
R66 made a few fair points.
I love how R16 thinks that there's consistent sex in an LTR. Clearly he's never been in one.
Being in a relationship, dear, is no guarantee of sex.
Yeah, y'know R28, the thing about having nieces and nephews is that, they, well y'know, have their own lives. They're not going to gathering like some privileged audience at your death bed.
You don't know anything about anything, do you?
I'm concerned that R28 isn't going to make it through Christmas this year. She's a total mess.
I'm here, R50! It's just taking me a while to get through this thread.
[quote]Gay men kiss?
Why does this confuse you, R44?
Yes, dear. Gay men kiss. The only men I've encountered who don't were closet case or "sexually confused" types, and one or two oddballs. But the vast majority of gay men enjoy kissing their partners.
This place is so odd and depressing sometimes. The posts often reveal some rather strange folk lurk here.
Right R64, because not taking care of yourself, smoking and drinking is so mature. If you were comfortable with yourself, you wouldn't feel the need to be so critical of something you evidently do not have.
[quote]And, let's face it, Datalounge and [R66] are the toilet of gay men so you won't get much good advice here.
You have some nerve!
R67's CL posting: linebacker's build, total top, very masculine and straight acting seeks same. No drama.
The reality of R67: fat, screaming fem bottom, drama queen extraordinaire.
I'll drink to that, R67; this website literally EPITOMIZES every loathsome, catty, cunty, shallow, sniveling, whiny, pedantic, limp-wristed, fussy, anal stereotype of [childish epithet posted by a bigoted tool] gay culture and even discovered a few new ones!
Let me tell you a cold, hard fact about us butch, str8-acting gay guys: we LOATHE you femme, Judy-Garland-sycophants type gays just as much as a homophobic bible-thumper, albeit for completely different reasons. Femmes are a disgrace to the male gender and turn me OFF like an icepack in my crotch. Feminine-acting guys are literally an exercise in irritation. Most of you femmes aren't even interesting enough to make this butch-gay sick, actually!
You talk too much R77, like a girl. Try cultivating the strong and silent type image. It's more manly.