A baby seal enters a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
Baby seal- "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Please share yours.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A termite walks into a bar. He asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A black man walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. The bartender say, "where did you get that? The duck replies, "Africa."
A three-legged dog limps into a bar and drawls, "Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?
"The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
One fly lands next to another fly, on top of a pile of shit. "Pardon me, is this stool taken?"
Not an animal that talks joke, but my favorite animal joke:
A hot drunk guy is sitting alone at a bar when another guy walks up to him and says he has a frog that gives the most incredible blow job you've ever had. Come in the bathroom and I'll show you.
So the guy stumbles in the bathroom and is told to drop his pants and sit down and get ready for the best blow job ever. So he does.
The other guy puts a frog in between his legs and says "Go to it boy, show him what you can do."
The frog just sits there.
"Come on show him the most incredible blow job."
The frog doesn't move.
So the man picks the frog up and kneels down in his place and says "Okay then frog, I'm only going to show you this one more time."
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods.
They pause to take a shit.
The bear says to the rabbit: "Does poop stick to your fur, too?"
"No" says the rabbit.
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
A penguin is on a road trip when he encounters some car trouble. He pulls into a repair shop to have the car fixed. While the mechanic is working on the car, the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream shop and has a vanilla ice cream cone. A little while later, he returns to the repair shop. The mechanic meets him at the door.
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says.
The penguin licks his lips and says, "No. It's just a little ice cream."
Keep 'em coming!
Snail walks into a bar. Snail says, "Bartender, I'll have a beer."
Bartender says, "We don't serve snails in here, get the hell out." He picks up the snail and throws him out the door.
A year later, the snail walks into the bar and says "Why'd ya do that?"
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the hell out of the dogs.
Okay, another one that's not an 'animal that talks' joke, but still funny...
Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Harry is the happiest about this because it diverts the media from him.
Woman walks into a petshop. Sign says "free parrot." Woman asks why, and the petshop owner says, "This bird grew up in a whorehouse, so his language is pretty salty." Woman laughs and takes the bird home.
When she gets him home she uncovers the cage, and the parrot looks around and says "Raak! New House, New Madam."
A few minutes later the woman's teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Raak! New House, New Madam, New Girls!"
Later that night the woman's husband comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Raak! New House, New Madam, New Girls, Oh, Hi Bob!"
Man walks into his wife's bedroom with a sheep in his arms.
"This is the pig I'm forced to sleep with when you say you have a headache," he says.
His wife looks up. "I think you'll find that's a sheep you idiot."
Husband says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you!"