*OFFICIAL THANKSGIVING WOES THREAD*

Please check in here with your various Thanksgiving woes, tales of horror, and other obscene and horrific goings-on. Consider this a sanctuary from Aunt Pearl's pecan pie and Uncle Horace's homophobic jokes. I shall begin: My mother-in-law showed up three hours early and has parked herself on the sofa, cranking the volume on the TV and asking "if she can help with anything," all while not moving a muscle.

GOBBLE
• My alcoholic brother who is in complete denial about his disease and who has been living with us rent free for close to 2 years with no foreseeable plans of moving out is drunk already and I just put the turkey in the oven.

• r1 - have you considered Al-Anon? I grew up surrounded by alcoholics and it has helped me a lot. Good luck with your brother!

• The turkey is about to go into the oven. All but one of the side dishes are made and only need reheating. All I need to do is straighten up, throw together the casserole, and make the gravy. Friends arrive around 1 for cocktails and/or eggnog. Dinner will be around 2:30. So no woes. Just self-satisfaction. And a little bit of gloating.

• Who's the queen lipsynching on NBC?

• My nephew just turned 16 yesterday. My friend announced she is getting divorced, thus the husband is not coming. I worked 16 hours and need a drink.

• I'll be happily avoiding my family this year as usual. All Thanksgiving means to me is my new computer will be delivered one day later than it would've otherwise.

• [R2] Thank You so much for the suggestion. I'm looking into it on Monday. Seriously, thank you!

• I love watching the dog show, but every year my pup, Morgan, would go wild barking at all the dogs. She got especially worked up when the terriers were on. She died. I don't want to watch it.

  Ciaran

• Having dinner with my ex, his partner and a few mutual friends. My family lives too far away. My mom and brother live in town, but are both drunks living in complete chaos and it's impossible to have a decent holiday with either of them.

• I couldn't be less festive this year, single, and feel like I'm coming down with a bad cold. My family lives in another state, and motivation to go to my friends house for food/drinks is dwindling. I might just take the day to myself or sleep through it.

• I am supposed to leave for my sister's house in less than a half hour but am still naked and unshowered. Dreading the traffic and the thought of pants and shoes today. I guess I have given up.

• I have a REAL SERIOUS problem: my meat thermometer is MIA, now it's either take our chances with undercooked meat and worms, or eat turkey jerky.

  Clutching my pearls as I type

• I don't mind anything about making a turkey dinner except washing the turkey carcass. Bleagh.

  Procrastinating%20as%20I%20type.

• Alone. Sad. Again.

• R13, washing poultry before cooking is a complete waste of time according to the experts. First of all when you wash it in the sink you splatter any bacteria from the bird all over the sink and the counter top. Cooking the bird at the proper temperature is what kills any bacteria, not washing the thing.

• This is the first time I haven't cooked in ages. I'm at my sister's house and I'm helping her. Since my guy moved out, things haven't been the same. We haven't broken up, exactly. We still see each other, and he stayed with me when his neighbourhood went dark from Sandy. But, he took a pass on sharing Thanksgiving, which means his mum - whom I love, and who is pissed off as all hell that he moved out - decided she shouldn't come, either.

• My hot hunky cousin, who is a built jock from Princeton, BTW, gets forcing me to shag him not stop as we are sharing a room and bed for this holiday. I'm so fucking worn out I can't even think straight!

• R8, Ciaran, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog. I was prattling on on other threads about Watch the Dog Show! today; I can see why you wouldn't want to. Dogs and cats are wonderful friends who don't live long enough. I hope you have - if you want to/when you want to - get another canine companion. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

• I'm baking 2 pies. Theoretically, they're the same pie. However, the first one has frozen berries from my mom's garden in it and they taste like crap and I accidentally put both too much saltband too much cinnamon into it and the other has fresh store bought berries and I didn't screw anything up with it. They will finish baking in ten minutes and then I need to shower but I feel like I could puke at any moment and just want to go back to bed.

• Here's the "joke" my niece just told at the dinner table: "Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people?" I replied "Of course not, no gay would be caught dead at Walmart."

• Really? You had to one up your niece? Her joke was cute, you are a humorless cunt

• I don't get the niece's joke

• What was the punch line to your niece's joke? I could use some humor today. My kids and I are having T'day at Whattaburger, dammit!

  L.%20Whelchel%2C%20bitches

• Her joke was homophobic. It relies on being embarrassed to be classified as a gay. ("I didn't see no clown! Opps!!!")

• OMG total Datalounge moment: I was at a friend's for Thanksgiving with assorted people and in comes a vegan Lesbian who made it quite clear to all in earshot that she was Vegan and how that affects Thanksgiving, etc. And what did she bring? You guessed it, a NUT LOAF! I was laughing so much I had to excuse myself. And of course she had to go on and on about being a Vegan and what was in everything she brought and trying to force the shit on everyone. And worst of all she was FAT - a FAT Vegan. Granted I realize you can be fat and Vegan but going on and on about how healthy being vegan is while being a fat sow doesn't work.

• Goddam, I HATE fucking assholes like vegans and gluten-free idiots and whatever else bullshit allergy/diet is the fad now. They're worse than fucking old people discussing their various ailments.

• I still don't get how you can be a fat vegan. I thought they just ate veggies and nuts or whatever.

• No, r27, the one "vegan" I know is fat. Several of the "gluten intolerant" people are also fat. By "fat" I mean clinically obese. None of them exercise.

• You should've taken that nutloaf and shoved it up her fat ass!

  The%20Outsized%20Reaction%20Troll

• Ok thanks R28. I'd rather not go the vegan route if I'm still going to be fat anyhow, but I do realize that weight loss isn't their primary concern.

• My mom showed up at my hotel room last night and asked if she could stay...because her husband is mean (and doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, anyway). You'll laugh and perhaps not believe me, given recent DL humor, but I actually do live with 18 year olds. I went back to school in my late 20s, totally broke, and didn't get into the mature student apartments at my university. I hate them all (the 18 year olds). I relish it when I can get away and stay in a hotel ALONE.

• [quote]I still don't get how you can be a fat vegan. I thought they just ate veggies and nuts or whatever. I know a couple vegans who are fat, and one of them is a raw-foods vegan. They seem to make everything out of densely-packed nuts and they drink lots of fruit juices and use agave nectar. That might have something to do with it.

• I spent two hours at my sister's house today and that was all I could take. I ate my food and was out of there. Her fucking kids (1yo and 3yo) are crazy! All jacked up on sugar. Running around the house screaming their fucking heads off. My nerves are shot. I need a drink.

• The fat vegan I knew lived on potato chips. With all the vegan chocolate items like brownie mix it is entirely possible to be fat. You are still can eat crappy processed foods if you put your mind to it.

  anonymous

• Just me and my honey for Turkey Day this year (thank god). Everything was going along so well - and then he started obsessing about our upcoming trip to Hawaii and wanting to discuss his OCD packing routine with me in MINUTE DETAIL. So I've got my hand stuck up the turkey's butt and the stuffing bowl is teetering on the edge of the counter and the dog is prowling for fallen tidbits, and he's blithely yammering on about what suitcase I'm taking, and if I put my carry-on under the seat then he can put his TWO carry-on bags in the overhead bin, and meanwhile I'm having fantasies of smacking him in the head with the main course. At least it was not a frozen leg of lamb.

  I feel better now, Happy Thanksgiving to all!

• R25, Because I was curious, I once went to a raw food potluck. You thought that vegan guest was bad? No comparison to raw foodies and their obsessions. Actually juicers are the worst, and what they consume is really over-priced and tastes awful. Tired of hearing their sanctimonious lectures of how fit that they're getting by all of their denial of real food. I generally eat an extremely healthy, made from scratch diet, but there is a limit.

• No real woes. A guy I've dated off and on for the past few months failed to show up for dinner or call beforehand but I'm actually somewhat relieved at that, as I'm enjoying the solitude and he can be high maintenance. When he finally called two hours after dinner, I let it go to voicemail. Right now, I'm in a post-turkey-dinner food coma and enjoying the thought of all the leftovers in the fridge for the next couple of weeks. Everything turned out great and that Maple-Ginger Turkey recipe is amazing.

• I'm a wanna be vegan-vegetarian and for the first time this holiday grosses me out. Seeing all the dead birds. Yuck. Vegan is healthy folks and it's compassionate. There are other options and we'd all be healthier for it. But OH WELL. No, I am not fat. I'm enjoying stories from friends and everyone has a drunk aunt. I love it.

• My Thanksgiving was mostly uneventful, until the very end. I stopped by my grandma's house with my girlfriend of nearly seven years in tow. My aunt was on her second bottle of vodka and kept crying about how her brother (my dad) doesn't love her and needs to admit he is gay. Feeling uncomfortable, I went into the kitchen to help grandma clean the kitchen. Not long after, my brother comes into the kitchen bleeding from the head. Apparently, my aunt got angry at him for some reason and threw a frozen beer can at his head. I continue to stay in the kitchen away from my aunt until I realize it's been a long time since I saw my girlfriend. My grandma and I then walk outside to raised voices. My aunt starts screaming that my girlfriend said that my family doesn't love me because I'm gay. My jaw literally dropped. Needless to say, we made a hasty exit at that point. On the drive home, my girlfriend told me that my aunt repeatedly accused her of using me and asked "what the fuck do you want from this family?". Given my girlfriend's success in her field and my aunt's position as a 50-something unemployed alcoholic, I just have to shake my head and use this as a validation of why we are about to move several thousand miles away from this shitshow.

• Spent the last 5.5 hours listing to my dad rant about all the people who are "breaking into his computer/car/oven/etc." while he tooks a few breaths to belittle me and raf about how much he wish he hadn't come. Previous to that spent two hours at my mom's with her barely friends and boyrfiend while this psycho woman screamed at the only nice person in the room telling her to "meditate" on what she was being told, delusional bullshit about the Koch brothers. Meanwhile, now that my dad has finally left I'm too tired to go see my fuck buddy and we're both really horny so fuck Thanksgiving.

• sister-in-law in rehab fell off the wagon...bad scene

• One of my foster kids is sick and this was my year to host Thanksgiving. My mother has terminal brain cancer so this is probably her last year.

• R39 you have me in hysterics! Lol

• We had a crowd of 40, so we brined and roasted a 38 pound bird. I think next time I will opt for 2 or 3 young hens, or do a ham along with the turkey.

• Hi y'all! Totally normal guy with a loving and sane relationship with my family here. My parents have always loved me and didn't waver on that for even a nanosecond when I told them I was gay. I play an active part in my siblings' lives and spend as much times with my nephews and nieces as possible. So yes, I am *totally* going to judge you fucked-up queens and diagnose the bases of all your Thanksgiving woes! [quote]My alcoholic brother who is in complete denial about his disease and who has been living with us rent free for close to 2 years with no foreseeable plans of moving out is drunk already and I just put the turkey in the oven. Oh, honey. I'm not sure who's in more denial: your brother or YOU, who's been enabling the fucker for two years now (and probably much longer). An alcoholic needs to hit ROCK BOTTOM before they can sober up, and that's sure as shit not going to happen as long as your brother has an enabling sibling providing a cushy bed and a stipend apparently large enough to pay for his food and, more importantly, booze. [quote]I'll be happily avoiding my family this year as usual. All Thanksgiving means to me is my new computer will be delivered one day later than it would've otherwise. At some point down the road, your family members will start to pass away. You WILL regret, possibly endlessly, not spending more time with them and not trying to work out your differences. I spent this Thanksgiving helping a friend whose dad passed away last week -- from a sudden case of pneumonia at the age of 58, for fuck's sake. They'd been estranged for years and never worked things out, and now he's WRACKED with guilt over it, at the ripe old age of 25. (And he's straight btw, so this has nothing to do with coming out.) Reconcile with your family WHILE YOU STILL CAN, and stop avoiding family holidays! (as well as "looking down" on your family because they might shop at Walmart or vote Republican) [quote]My hot hunky cousin, who is a built jock from Princeton, BTW, gets forcing me to shag him not stop as we are sharing a room and bed for this holiday. I'm so fucking worn out I can't even think straight! Princeton is not known for its hunky jocks, and this post is clearly fiction, but thank you for providing some much-needed EST hilarity! [quote]Having dinner with my ex, his partner and a few mutual friends. My family lives too far away. My mom and brother live in town, but are both drunks living in complete chaos and it's impossible to have a decent holiday with either of them. Clearly, masochism is your forte, but you're going to continue to be miserable unless you can find a quasi-family unit AWAY from BOTH your ex and (ugh!) his current partner, as well as your toxic family members in town. [quote]Goddam, I HATE fucking assholes like vegans and gluten-free idiots and whatever else bullshit allergy/diet is the fad now. So much time wasted hating. So little time spent accepting. [quote]My mom showed up at my hotel room last night and asked if she could stay...because her husband is mean (and doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, anyway). Cupcake? Your stepdad isn't being mean; he's ABUSING your mother, either physically and/or emotionally. You don't need to put her up for the night; you need to get her OUT OF THAT HOUSE. [quote]Her fucking kids (1yo and 3yo) are crazy! All jacked up on sugar. Running around the house screaming their fucking heads off. Dollface? That's how ALL toddlers act. Sugar intake has nothing to do with it. Particularly when they're out of their element and engaging in activities with "new people," toddlers can be as excitable as young puppies, and just as difficult to keep under control. Thankfully, it seems that you have no interest in being a parent, since clearly you'd be a shitty and resentful one. (Btw my three-year-old nephews went apeshit most of the afternoon as well today, but I accept that as a normal facet of life; also, most of the reason they went apeshit is because they adore me and were excited to see me for the first time in two months.) More to come...

• [quote]At least it was not a frozen leg of lamb. I love that story, R35, but can't remember if it was from Alfred Hitchcock Hour or some other show.

• [quote]Everything was going along so well - and then he started obsessing about our upcoming trip to Hawaii Honey? You lost ALL of our sympathy as soon as you said "Hawaii," and most of us think you're an asshole. [quote]A guy I've dated off and on for the past few months failed to show up for dinner or call beforehand but I'm actually somewhat relieved at that, as I'm enjoying the solitude and he can be high maintenance. Punch and delete. Why are you dating this asshole exactly? A hot fuckbuddy I can understand, but you don't invite flaky, high-maintenance queens home to meet the family! [quote] My aunt starts screaming that my girlfriend said that my family doesn't love me because I'm gay. My jaw literally dropped. As usual, there's no drama like lesbian DRAMA! Your girlfriend DID say that, and it's not true; she said it to start shit and to try to further separate and estrange you from your family, so she can have you all to herself. What, you had no idea that lesbians have a habit of alienating all of their girlfriends' family and friends just so they can focus their energies all on them? Wake up and smell the patchouli, babe! This was just the next-to-final act to her convincing you to move elsewhere (to a place I'm sure *she* chose, yes?). [quote]Spent the last 5.5 hours listing to my dad rant about all the people who are "breaking into his computer/car/oven/etc." It's your own fucking fault that you haven't realized your father has serious mental issues requiring medical help; this is a textbook case of paranoid schizophrenia. Get him on meds and this type of shit will end almost immediately. [quote]Previous to that spent two hours at my mom's with her barely friends and boyrfiend while this psycho woman screamed at the only nice person in the room telling her to "meditate" on what she was being told, delusional bullshit about the Koch brothers. Wow, two schizo parents! My sympathies, but you need to get BOTH of them into treatment. [quote]My mother has terminal brain cancer so this is probably her last year. I'm very sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you were able to spend one last definite holiday with her. You should try to set aside more time, aside from the holidays, to spend with her before she deteriorates to the point of not being able to leave the house. Trust me on this one: any old wounds between a mother and child who aren't that close tend to evaporate when one is facing impending death. You also need, unfortunately, to discuss "the details" of what needs to happen when she's in her last days and passes, particularly if she's single and/or your siblings can't help.

• One of my aunts strolled in an hour late, happy and cheerful. She then divulged that she had just been strangled by a patient at work and then questioned if she had stolen missing drugs. She is so honest that she would never do any such thing. The missing meds were eventually accounted for, but they made her and the other staff stay an hour after shift for it to be done. If I was her I would have needed the drugs just to get over the fact that I was almost murdered at work. She sat down grabbed a pepsi and acted like it was a normal day, happy and being her usual fun self - completely ignoring that she had red sore rings around her neck from the strangulation cord.. I love her. My cousin who is now 18 still holds the diet of a 2 year old. Eating only a roll with turkey gravy on the plate. By the looks of her, she's a very trendy beautiful artistic girl, you'd never know she has only eaten Spaghetti O's for the past 18 years. Having turkey gravy was a huge step for her in diversifying her diet. She's awesome.

• [quote]Cupcake? Your stepdad isn't being mean; he's ABUSING your mother, either physically and/or emotionally. You don't need to put her up for the night; you need to get her OUT OF THAT HOUSE. Welp, I can't. As I said, I became unemployed and broke and either had to go to school for a place to live or take it to the streets. I chose school. My mom has expected me to "save" her for my whole life, and that's part of why I didn't finish school in the first place: I moved around with and for her. I'm honestly done. Talk about emotionally abusive, and I'm still (unfortunately) geographically close to her.

• R45, I haven't posted yet in this thread but I must speak up. If you don't come from a very dysfunctional and abusive family you may not understand what that really means for the rest of us who do. I wouldn't feel bad if I never saw certain family members again. Every place I've ever lived in my entire life has demanded that I permanently bar the saner ones that visit, after their first encounter. It's not worth the stress on me to deal with any of them, beyond the rare phone call or email. Luckily I no longer live in the same city. Sometimes "divorce" really is the healthiest option.

• Took a couple of Xanax, everything was nice and chill, driving home was a bitch though. Some raised voices (about money, and capital gains taxes), but most of all it was really nice. So happy to have my family around. Mom said she wanted to buy a new car and read good things about Subarus, we all had to inform her that it is a lesbian car and asked if there was something she wanted to tell us. Joking of course.

• Why do you have to take a couple of Xanax in order to get through Thanksgiving day, R51?

• The family argued about Bloomberg and Romney but in a fairly civil manner. Had not seen my cousin's kids in forever -- they are well-behaved, nice young people. I think the boy age 17 is gay. Sorry some had a rough time, although I suspect a few of you are exaggerating.

• R45/R47 has all the answers -- must be a joy to live with. R46, "Lamb to the Slaughter" is a short story by Roald Dahl & became an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents in 1958.

• Dollface? Cupcake? R45/R47 - your attempts at humour are not only 60 years old, they're also terrible.

• [quote]At some point down the road, your family members will start to pass away. You WILL regret, possibly endlessly, not spending more time with them and not trying to work out your differences. You know what I felt when my homophobic, right-wing, asshole mother died? I felt RELIEF. Relief that I wouldn't have to listen to self righteous jerks like you prattling on about how I would regret not spending time with her. Time that would leave me wrung out, in tears, and depressed. Yeah, I really miss THAT.

• [quote]At some point down the road, your family members will start to pass away. You WILL regret, possibly endlessly, not spending more time with them and not trying to work out your differences. I spent this Thanksgiving helping a friend whose dad passed away last week -- from a sudden case of pneumonia at the age of 58, for fuck's sake. They'd been estranged for years and never worked things out, and now he's WRACKED with guilt over it, at the ripe old age of 25. (And he's straight btw, so this has nothing to do with coming out.) Reconcile with your family WHILE YOU STILL CAN, and stop avoiding family holidays! (as well as "looking down" on your family because they might shop at Walmart or vote Republican) R45 you go right ahead and make all the amends you need to with your family. Some of us never will and will never want to either. Your posts are full of projection.

• And R45, I could care less how my relatives vote. Hell, even if all of their opinions matched mine exactly, abuse is abuse. And don't try to tell me I'm not tough enough. It may only take one party to forgive, but it takes both to fix or even slightly improve a relationship. I have tried in the past, but it will never happen, given my immediate sociopath relatives' astounding abilities to spin everything such that I'm the crazy one, whilst their own malignant insanities dangle before the universe, begging for karma to eat them alive.

• [quote](ABC) In Afghanistan, huge hunks of beef, dressing, corn, collard greens, yams and mashed potatoes with gravy awaited about 2,500 soldiers in the dining hall. Nearby, service members played football. How come not turkey?

• As if I wasn't already depressed enough, my supposed best friend blew me off for an afternoon movie date today. Not even a phone call.

• I ended up cutting myself over family disputes. I hate myself for giving in to such base emotional feelings but it was all I could do at the time. Another embarrasing scar that I will have to cover up, which will impede my swimming and social activities.

  my family is too much pain

• Could someone please start a thread with "How many holiday cutters are here" or "Who on DL cuts themselves for the holidays?"

  please

• [quote] Goddam, I HATE fucking assholes like vegans and gluten-free idiots and whatever else bullshit allergy/diet is the fad now My crazy sister in law just announced her daughter is dairy and gluten intolerant. I didn't know if I should "say sorry to hear that" or "congratulations" because she'll now have ANOTHER thing to obsess about with her kid

• J'Adore R45, R47!

• I always try to cut myself for the holidays, but I get so busy! It's hard to fit it in with everything else. Last year I did a kind of oblong shape signifying a squash on my arm for Thanksgiving and a triangle for Christmas, signifying a Christmas tree. This year I'd like to try for a more sophisticated cut? Something along these lines

  http://www.clipartpal.com/_thumbs/pd/holiday/christmas/Ornaments002.png

• Had a great time at my ex/bff's house. His partner made an amazing meal. He brined his turkey in apple cider - clever. It came out so juicy and tender. A good mutual friend was there, as well as some people the partner invited over. One was a sweet med student from South America who was very excited to have his first Thanksgiving dinner. But the other two guests - wow. The woman was sweet, but suffers from severe depression - plus she was a little gassy, which we all chose to ignore. But the ex-co worker of said partner was one of the most negative, nasty queens I've ever met. Then I found out he was from New York, and all was well. Great dessert too.

• My favorite part about R61 is that he or she is most concerned with future swimming activities.