Can you refuse to attend a wedding if you don;t think the marriage is going to last?
One of my friends from college is marrying a guy in New York he's only known for three months. I feel it's ridiculous for me to go all the way out there (I live in Oregon) for a wedding when I know there's very little chance of the marriage lasting. My friend is notoriously impetuous and fickle.
I suppose you can- but I would not count on remaining friends with your friend if you tell them why.
In practice, you could always invent a prior commitment, though you should still send a gift. In theory, if you and the bride are particularly good friends, where she'd honestly be disappointed that you wouldn't go, you should probably attend, my guess being that many at the reception will feel as you do.
Reminds of the time a friend was completely smitten with MR. WRONG (she was seeing him while he was on the rebound); he "dumped" her to marry someone else. She said to me after that, "I was hurt at the time that you didn't seem happy for me (as much as I'd expected), but there wasn't anything you could've said then that I would've accepted."
My first cousin has SEVERE narcissistic personalty disorder, eventually marrying a very nice guy (since deceased). Her sister tried to warn him ahead of time, but he brushed her off completely. They were legally separated when he died, his having declared marrying her "the WORST mistake I have ever made in life!"
You can refuse for any reason you want, but I wouldn't tell him that. Just make up a prior comittment.
I'm stunned that on a gay website, people assumed that this was a straight wedding despite the obvious pronoun usage in OP.
There's only one character's difference between "he" and "she" but your point is taken.
i have, i told my friend his girlfriend was a cunt and i hated her. i said it was his choice to marry her and that was fine but i felt so strongly about the type of person she was that attending the wedding would be condoning the union and in all good faith i could not.
i said that i did not want to make an issue over it so i would only be discussing it with him so he understood and i was happy for him to make any excuse and not invite me.
he was cool and understood my position.
turns out i was right...
If you're not going to make a big deal about the reason why you don't attend, then don't attend.
If you feel you have to unburden yourself about your friend's mistake, do that, but then go and be gracious.
Or you lose your friend.
OP, if your friend is so impetuous and fickle, there probably won't be a wedding for you to attend. If it looks like he *is* going to get married, you should try to make sure he's doing the right thing without being too intrusive. He's grown and allowed to make his own choices...
[quote]I'm stunned that on a gay website, people assumed that this was a straight wedding despite the obvious pronoun usage in OP.
Exactly one person did that. Calm the fuck down.
"Can you refuse to attend a wedding if you don;t think the marriage is going to last?"
Yes, as long as you don't give your real reasons. Tell the bride you can't afford to fly, that you have work or family obligations, that you accidentally shot yourself in the foot, whatever. She doesn't really expect everyone she knows to fly across the country for her wedding, yours won't be the only beg-off.
Send a gift, but under the circumstances, not a good one.
Now two people have assumed there's a bride...
Any wedding that's more than 20 miles from your home should have a car service or airfare and hotel paid for.
Witnessing a useless ritual of co-ownership of property should be done in front of a lawyer.
And heterosexuals should be forced to copulate for the witnessing party. Otherwise it's boring and a lie.
[quote] One of my friends from college is marrying a guy in New York he's only known for three months.
Tell them that only attend weddings with a CASH BAR
Unless you are a member of the wedding party or the person's family, you don't have to be there. The fact that you live 3000 miles away is a more than adequate excuse for not going. Make your apologies and send a gift.
That's fine OP but you don't say it!
I once dodged a similar bullet. A friend of my partner's was marrying this wealthy guy and the wedding was in a swanky resort in the Laurentides, just outside Montreal. The hotel room there for the two of us for the weekend would have been over $1,500, plus the gift, the expenses of getting there from Toronto, etc. In the end, we mailed the gifts and thanked them for an invitation but didn't go. The marriage lasted under a year since the groom was carrying on an affair and had got another woman pregnant even before the wedding took place.
r18 now that's a groom!
I don't see why OP should send a gift. It's just "one of" OP's friends from college, not OP's best friend, maybe not even a close friend. OP won't attend, so I think a note or card wishing the couple much happiness would be enough. Especially since OP disapproves of the marriage.
Because he was invited r20. He can get an inexpensive gift but its polite to send a gift, especially if he will not attend.
You shouldn't go, but should make up an excuse. I have been to 5-6 weddings that I knew wouldn't last, and only one is still together (they hate each other but have babies at home). Other people can see things that people 'in love' miss apparently. Two of the weddings that I have been to in the last several years had one person cheat soon before the wedding. The idiots got married anyway. People are scared to be alone, and don't want to be embarrassed canceling a wedding.
Years ago, before gay marriage had become a big thing, a semi-close friend of mine had a commitment ceremony with some other guy he had met not long before. I don't think it was the rushed aspect of it that bothered me as much as the fact that they made a HUGE deal of the commitment ceremony -- big reception, gifts definitely expected, etc.
Anyway, I didn't attend. And they broke up a few months later because the other guy "fell in love" with someone else.
I've been to plenty of straight weddings where I knew they'd divorce before we got a thank you note, why should a gay wedding be different?
If you don't want to go, don't go. Reply no. End of story, what is so difficult about that?!
it's not that hard to say no to an out of state wedding. There's any number of excuses you can use to get out of it including the expense, job commitment, you have other plans on that day etc.
Whatever you do, don't tell this friend the real reason why. That way when they break up, you don't become the reason why as in 'you never supported me' or 'you poisoned our relationship with your negativity.'
Thank you, R4.
Um, the fact that you live in Oregon and the wedding is in NY is reason enough.
People have become so entitled when they think people should spend a fortune just to attend their wedding. People didn't used to have these wild expectations of others when it came to their weddings.
OP how good will the food be? lol will you have many friends there? If the friends and food will be good, just use it as a social event. If the food is gonna suck and you won't know anyone, invent an excuse but still send a gift and well wishes.
A wedding invitation is not a jury summons. If you don't want to go, don't.
But I agree, send a card and a gift along with whatever excuse seems acceptable.
Never, EVER, give your opinion on the chances of a relationship lasting even if you're asked for it.
A union ceremony with good chances of success sounds like it would be a great hardship for you to attend, OP.
Do not excuse yourself. Simply respond that you will not be able to attend. Then, send a gift that will keep them quiet.
Also, never EVER give an opinion regarding somebody's ex. It will come back to haunt you every time. I've lost two friends because of my honesty; one to the asshole who still treats her like shit and one because 'I should have said something sooner!'. Fuck that noise.
[quote]Because he was invited [R20]. He can get an inexpensive gift but its polite to send a gift, especially if he will not attend.
You've got it backwards, R21 -- a gift should be given if one accepts an invitation, but is optional if one declines an invitation.
As Miss Manners correctly points out: "A wedding invitation is not an invoice".
Just tell them that you need to wash your hair that night. no hard feelings.
You really don't need a specific reason for not attending a wedding.
invited to the wedding for a marriage I knew wouldn't last. The groom had violent mood swings.
Came up with a conflict and sent a nice Tiffany bowl.
Within three months she had left him because ... he threw the bowl at her and it smashed into a thousand pieces.
Still glad I didn't go to the wedding.
Next time I'll give a pillow.
You send --with your best wishes-- your regrets that you will be unable to attend. Simple as that.
Only if pressed in conversation should you put forward a broad excuse: "I'm sorry I won't be able to join you -- I have a prior commitment with work/friends/family/travel that simply can't be changed." Leave it at that, no details. Repeat your best wishes and your regret that you cannot attend. Repeat as necessary.
If you don't approve, if you don't think it will last, if you just don't want to go, keep your real reasons to yourself.
OP, I believe the traditional way to handle this situation is to go to the wedding and tell all the other guests that you give the marriage six months.
Manners live, at least on the DL.
Most of the responses here are correct, OP. Decline politely, no need for an elaborate scenario. Send a gift, nothing major but something.
Under no circumstance should you express your opinion of the relationship to your friend. You may be right but you'll be an ex-friend if you can't keep your mouth shut.
Wait and see what happens. Invite your friend out for a visit when the whole thing blows up in his face.
You can decline to go to a wedding for any reason (although sometimes it's best to make up a reasonable excuse so as to spare your friend's feelings).
From the Miss Manners article cited above:
[quote]The proper negative response to a formal wedding invitation is simply that those invited “regret that they are unable to accept the kind invitation...”
That's it. Nothing more need be said. If pressed by the host (which is rude) then you can say something about a prior commitment.
OP, just send your friend and his partner a gift with an explanation about why you cannot attend. And skip the drama which you would obviously love to indulge.
As a gift, make a donation to something in their name. That way, they can't bitch and if it doesn't last it wasn't a waste of your money, either.
I believe the ethics of the situation are 1) you can refuse to attend if you don't think the marriage will last; but you 2) cannot refuse to attend simply because you hope the marriage won't last.
I know this probably doesn't apply in OP's case, but I've found that the more dysfunctional the relationship is, the more fun the wedding reception will be.
Tell me that the happy couple are deeply in love and they're made for each other and I'm already bored and thinking of excuses.
Tell me that the marriage is doomed and won't last 6 months, and I'm packing my bags. Toss in the fact that the two families hate each other and I'll lobby to be a groomsman.
I think that people should return gifts when a marriage doesn't last. My partner's brother got married to a woman who cheated on him three months before the wedding. We were both in the wedding, and had to shell out 700 each for ridiculous looking (on us) dresses and shoes. We also spent $400 on a gift. They divorced six months later (she screwed a coworker). I am still pissed about wasting money. When I told partner's brother that I was upset, he said "well just think how I feel. I paid 20k for the wedding". Moron.
r44, did you think you were going to get your money back for the bridesmaid dresses somehow???
I wondered what cunty excuses would be given since the "gays cant marry" response has played out.