I met Mr. Right, and he's positive

I've been dating for years with no success and met a guy who I really liked. But I'm negative and he's positive. And he told me after we had fooled around, which made me feel really strange. And I know that's not as big of a deal as it used to be, but it really terrifies me. I feel like if I go out on more dates with him and am not ready to be with a positive guy, then it's fucked up; but I respect his telling me. So I don't know.

He should have told you his status before you two messed around, to my way of thinking.
[quote] But I'm negative and he's positive. And he told me after we had fooled around, which made me feel really strange. And what's wrong with dating an optimist? You need to start viewing the glass as half-full!
Your%20Aunt%20Gladys%20
The not-telling is a deal breaker.
[quote] And he told me after we had fooled around, which made me feel really strange. Definitely a deal-breaker. What else isn't he telling you?
[quote]The not-telling is a deal breaker. This. If he can't be honest about something that big, he'll lie about every little thing.
One%20who%20knows
I can't imagine how you outright tell your potential date that you are HIV poz. without it becoming awkward or head to an immediate dismissal of the HIV poz guy by the non-HIV poz guy.
Messed around means what in this instance?
[quote] Messed around means what in this instance? We blew each other.
OP
Did he come in your mouth OP?
Far from continuing the relationship, I would consider filing charges. Seriously.
[quote] Did he come in your mouth OP? Yes.
OP%2C%20I%20know...
He definitely should have told you before oral sex. Might be awkward r6 but eventually the truth will come out. So avoiding the truth because it's awkward is just postponing the inevitable.
It's not like it needs to be the first thing you volunteer about yourself R6, but you absolutely should before you have sexual contact. And OP I hope you understand it's pretty fucked up if he didn't tell you BEFORE you fooled around. Oral sex is pretty low risk for transmission but there's still a risk.
as someone who was in a sero-discordant relationship, I'm negative and the guy was positive, it's not impossible, you just have to be careful...as you should be anyway! But he should have told you before he let you blow him... I know it's a miserable thing for positive people to have to bring up, and that's likely why he didn't (for fear of scaring you away) but he really should have told you. I would be sure to talk to him about this...if you're interested in continuing this relationship, it has to be from a place of full disclosure, for both of you.
[quote]But I'm negative and he's positive. And he told me after we had fooled around, which made me feel really strange. Oh, so you're a slut I guess, right? I mean, doesn't sound like YOU asked him. Oh so the entire onus of responsibility is on him because you don't have HIV and it's his responsibility to make sure you stay that way. You apparently will go around sucking anybody's dick. So take responsibility for your own behaviour, slut.
R15 is correct.
R_15 is not correct
[quote]f you're interested in continuing this relationship, it has to be from a place of full disclosure, for both of you. Too late.
Yeah, we get it, R17. "Why do the HIV people have to go around and ruin it for everybody else?!"
When two people have sex, it is both their responsibilities to discuss health issues. To assume that negative is the "default" answer when it is not discussed is silly. A great many people are negative and a great many people are positive. The onus is not only on the positive person to proclaim his or her status.
R15 is correct. It makes as much sense OP's partner to have blindly assumed OP is positive as for OP to have blindly assume his partner was negative. You were there. You were a party to the sex. You had every opportunity you partner did. If it matters to you, ask. To do otherwise is stupid. Do you set boldly out into the street as soon as the WALK sign illuminates? Or do you take the precaution of looking both ways first? Same fucking thing.
OP you sound a little too naive for your own good. First thing, get tested for HIV if you don't already get tested regularly. If you already are infected it may be 3-6 months before a test comes back positive, and until the window period closes be very wary of any flu-like symptoms that might develop. That being said, don't freak out because oral sex is considered low risk so you're probably fine. And yes, disclosure is the responsibility of both parties prior to sex, but in many states HIV + people are legally required to inform a sexual partner of their status.
[quote]t makes as much sense OP's partner to have blindly assumed OP is positive as for OP to have blindly assume his partner was negative. For sex, yes. For the beginning of a relationship? Nope.
So both were wrong for not discussing it, because they failed to protect themselves. The other guy was doubly wrong though, for also possibly putting someone else at risk.
The not telling is a deal breaker. Yeah, I know, he didn't want to get rejected (which at this stage of the game isn't it actually he wanted to get laid before getting rejected?) The not telling is a deal breaker because he's making up your mind for you - without any way of knowing what you'll decide - and who wants to be with somebody who acts like that? Next. Besides, he's got HIV, there's a whole lot of other information about him and his personality that's worth knowing before you decide he actually is Mr. Right. Most gay men don't have HIV. Getting it takes some effort. Amazingly.
[quote]You were there. You were a party to the sex. You had every opportunity you partner did. You're 100% right. Which makes OP stupid and the other guy deceptive.
OP here. I was tested that night, it came back negative this morning. I know I'm not out of the ballpark yet, but my doctor did not recommend the morning after thing. They said in so many words that it was overkill. I know I'm at fault as well, which I think adds to the weirdness I feel. If he had lied about it, that would be one thing, and I feel weird ending a potential relationship with someone I like because they were honest with me. I do have unprotected oral sex, probably once a week, sometimes with friends, sometimes with strangers. I don't consider it a high-risk activity, although I do think I'm gonna retire from swallowing. I really resent the person(s) who called me a slut. If you think unprotected oral once a week is slutty, then you need to get out of your house more.
Maybe he was waiting for OP to bring it up and before he knew it, OP was cock gobbling. And, of course, OP is the victim.
Did he look like Michael T. Weiss, OP?
[quote]Most gay men don't have HIV. Getting it takes some effort. Amazingly. Yes, it takes the great effort of making no effort -- No effort to insist on condoms. No effort to ask. No effort to tell.
Safe sex first, everyone deceives and lies
Sero discordant relationships are perfectly fine if the negative partner is the top. I wouldn't bottom for a poz guy (hell, I wouldn't bottom for just about anyone), even with condoms, but I'd happily fuck the hell out of one.
Mr.%20Top
He's a fucking scumbag, PERIOD. The people blaming OP for that sick motherfucker cumming in his mouth without disclosing are lunatic apologists and should be ignored. Not only is he nowhere near relationship material OP, he should be arrested. What he did is illegal and actionable in many states, and deservedly so.
If DL had existed in 1986, this is what a thread would look like. OP, did you ask him his viral load? If you blow your strangers & friends without asking status, then what makes this person different? I'd be more concerned about a "negative" guy that has no idea he's infected than a positive guy who is medicated and undetectable. The guy who thinks he is negative (or is lying) and is actually infected and unmedicated is probably going to have a higher viral load the the guy on medication. And look at the type of sex you had. Did you have any open wounds in your mouth? If not, then transmission via oral sex is HIGHLY unlikely. Treat EVERY person you are having sex with as positive, and these situations won't come up. As far as relationship material - I'm going to say the two of you are probably not a match. Sero-discordant relationships are hard in the best of situations. This one has already started off rough. Good luck.
Nobody's perfect. My dildo isn't positive, but it's a really boring conversationalist.
According to DL, oral sex is 100% safe. The anecdotal evidence on this board alone ("I've swallowed 10,000 loads over my lifetime but never bottomed...and I'm still negative.") should be enough to convince you there's not a thing to worry about.
"I can't imagine how you outright tell your potential date that you are HIV poz. " It goes like this: "Hi, potential date. Before we have sex, you should know that I'm HIV-positive." Is that too difficult for your 'imagination' to fathom, you cement-headed dolt? -- "I do have unprotected oral sex, probably once a week, sometimes with friends, sometimes with strangers." So, you're a bigger slut than he is. Okay then.
Prudey%20McSluttery
Troll Post. You bitches are slipping.
Respect him telling you? Op, he told you after you fooled around. That's nothing to respect, that a red flag.
Call the police and have him locked up before he infects someone else.
OP in Canada your new boyfriend could be charged with attempted murder. It has already happened, one poz guy got sucked off by a neg guy. That poz guy is now in jail found guilty of attempted murder.
[quote] I do have unprotected oral sex, probably once a week, sometimes with friends I might be living under a rock, but OP you blow your friends on a regular basis? Please explain.
link please r41.
OP, if you'd have known from the get-go, would you have still blown him and swallowed? You sound like a slut, so I'm sure you've had oral sex, and maybe even done worse, with guys who unbeknownst to you were poz.
You respect Him for telling you after instead of resenting him? OP you are beyond help & if you think it's not a big deal to be positive these days, your sadly misinformed. Yes there are meds, but do you know what the side effects do to your body? They don't always work, from keeping you from going full blown either.
OP%20has%20no%20clue
Does such a thing as a slut actually exist in gay life and if so, what are the criteria?
1. The only person you can rely on to protect your health is YOU. End of story. 2. As statistics show, the risk of being pozzed from swallowing cum is miniscule. Suck away. Of course, attitude to risk is always personal and good sex is always slimey - which bugs love. So whether your mind can also handle the far higher risk of condomed anal sex enough for you to enjoy it is up to you. 3. Not telling you first date? Enjoy the sex, but understand you will never be able to completely trust him. Which isn't a good basis for a relationship. You know those chicks who date abusive guys but keep coming back because the sex feels so good? Welcome to their world.
[quote]If you think unprotected oral once a week is slutty, then you need to get out of your house more. And evidently you need to stay home to watch TV more often instead of going out looking for cock to gobble.
We%27ll%20all%20chip%20in%20and%20buy%20you%20a%20bib%20for%20Xmas
Go slow. Follow your brain and not your dick. .. God luck
M.%20Krimm
The real question is: How do you know he's Mr. Right!?
I mean GOOD luck.
OP, how did he tell you he was positive? My poz ex told me on our 3rd date...of course, he failed to mention his crystal meth addiction.
Here is the fundie Right, right here on DL. I have had a couple of partners with HIV and had a very active sex life with them. I am still HIV-.
It isn't about outcomes, 53, it's about honesty. People don't get to choose for other people, even stupid people who don't understand status before piling on.
OP/R27 [QUOTE]I do have unprotected oral sex, probably once a week, sometimes with friends, sometimes with strangers. I don't consider it a high-risk activity, although I do think I'm gonna retire from swallowing. I really resent the person(s) who called me a slut. If you think unprotected oral once a week is slutty, then you need to get out of your house more.[/QUOTE] You're a whore darlin. Seriously. Stop swallowing so much nut weekly.
Truth%20Fairy
OP and his date are different kinds of human garbage. OP is sexually irresponsible, and something of a slut. The date is responsible for all kinds of things, and puts getting off before any kind of honest connection. Mr. Right for WHOM? OP, perhaps. My great grandmother used to say, "there is a lid for every pot." She wasn't a great conversationalist. But I understand that she was good in bed.
Maybe they're actually perfect for each other.
R20= false equivalence troll. That's not how sexual ethics works. If YOu have a serious communicable disease then YOU have a greater ethical responsibility to disclose. PERIOD. I'm really tired of this bullshit. The two things are not equivalent at all. He's negative, and yes he has some responsibility to protect himself. But the greater responsibility in that scenario falls on the person with the disease.
R53= false equivalence troll 2. Spare us the bullshit. A person who has a disease that is sexually transmitted has an ethical responsibility to disclose. PERIOD. It's about consent. Letting the other person presume you are healthy because you're not telling him you're sick is not ethical under any circumstances. AND people have a right not to take the risk.
58, they're just some people who are HIV positive who resent living with the reality of the situation in which they find themselves. I don't for a minute say it isn't a very difficult situation but responsible people take ownership of the facts of their life.
R58/ R59 does not believe in safe sex.
OP, cease all contact with this creep. He should've told you his status before you fooled around. He's not Mr Right, he's Mr red flag.
My friend and I spent Thanksgiving together today. While we were out, he texted this guy he hooked up with the other night to ask if he'd like to come over again tonight. The guy texted back yes, there was a pause, then he texted again to ask my friend if he was negative or positive. My friend texted back "negative, what about you," then had a bit of a freakout waiting for the answer. The guy wrote back and said "negative, just asking." My friend said he wouldn't have thought much about it were it not for the fact the guy is really thin, to the point I assume that he looks rather sickly (though he does have "negative as of [date]" on his profile), but they were still scheduled to hook up again tonight for round two, so I guess my friend wasn't THAT concerned (and I'm sure they're fucking as I type this).