Time once again for Failed Pitches for Major Motion Picture Projects
Film title
Key cast members
Tagline
Brief plot summary
Heaven Forbid!
Sometimes there's God so quickly.
Annabelle Shane (Twilight's Kristen Stewart), a perky fun ad executive, has her life thrown into disarray when she's fired from her job, following an ad campaign for Google+, on the same day that her fiancé tells her it's over.
Standing on a bridge and considering whether life's worth living, God herself (Academy Award Nominee Queen Latifah) appears to bring some perspective to her life. Transporting Annabelle to Sudan, God puts Annabelle to work using her
marketing skills to help a struggling salon in Darfur. Hi-jinks ensue!
The Middle Ages
Dolph Lundgren, Elpidia Carrillo, Maria Conchita Alonso, Elizabeth Peña, Rae Dawn Chong and Jenette Goldstein with Burt Reynolds as "The Fat Gringo"
"Menopause, my ass!"
When a man who holds the key to cold fusion accidentally transports himself back to the early days of the Spanish Inquisition, his chief of security recruits a team of retired Latina special ops women to bring his boss home to save the world.
The Sissy Network
Plot: A gay message board tears itself apart when a handsome but devious ff'd member becomes the webmaster's pet.
Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman & Justin Beiber
Tagline: In cyberspace no one can hear you shriek.
Sleepless in Seattle 2
Tagline: This time, the Personals are personal.
On the elevator down from the top of the Empire State Building, Annie Reed (now played by Kirsten Dunst) brutally slaughtered Sam (cameo by Colin Hanks) and his son.
Rosie O'Donnell returns in her role, aiding the police in tracking down Annie before she reads postings on craigslist and begins to kill again.
Anna Karenina
Keira Knightly stars as Tolstoy's timeless heroine...
Oh, wait a minute...
MISERABLE LEZ
When Portland, Oregon butch Pam Patrick (Anne Hathaway) marches into the Natty Dreads salon and demands a 'do from owner Spliff Stevens (Matthew McConaughey), he explains that his Rastafarian religion forbids him from cutting the hair Jah intended to flow long and free. "Come back in six months and I'll start your dreads," he offers, but Pam takes her complaint to the Portland city council, and PC madness ensues. Co-starring Natasha Lyonne as health food store owner Betty and David Arquette as anti-Chap Stick activist Ben.
Tagline: "In Portland, everyone can hear you scream (with angry power)."
This shit is hilarious
[quote] When a man who holds the key to cold fusion accidentally transports himself back to the early days of the Spanish Inquisition, his chief of security recruits a team of retired Latina special ops women to bring his boss home to save the world.
I'd actually love to watch that. I'm not even kidding. It sounds fucking good. Maybe if done in Mel Brooks/old-school Terry Gilliam style.
