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An Open Letter To Red States

Dear Red States: Once you secede, we in the Blue States will thereafter be known as The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A). In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, New Mexico, Florida, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the ESA. To sum up briefly: •You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states except Florida. •We get stem cell research and the best beaches. •We get Elizabeth Warren. •You get Todd Akin. •We get the Statue of Liberty. •You get OpryLand. •We get Intel and Microsoft. •You get WorldCom. •We get Harvard. •You get Ole' Miss. •We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. •You get Alabama. •We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. •You get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. With the Blue States, we will have firm control of •80% of the country's fresh water, •more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, •92% of the nation's fresh fruit, •95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) •90% of all cheese, •90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulphur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools •plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. We get Hollywood, and Yosemite, thank you. With the Red States •you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, and you get •92% of all US mosquitoes, •nearly 100% of the tornadoes, •90% of the hurricanes, •99% of all Southern Baptists, •virtually 100% of all televangelists, •Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia. 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy b#@%#@#s believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties. We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico. Sincerely,

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