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Loving the GOP to Death — The Final Throes of the Log Cabin Republicans

There aren’t that many minorities left in the world we can publicly rip to shreds, & for that fact alone we should be grateful for the existence of the self-loathing right-wing homosexuals known as the Log Cabin Republicans. This week in Florida (surprise), Henry Hamilton, a gay Republican, took a fistful of pills & offed himself because President Obama was reelected. The sixty-four-year-old’s suicide note scribbled on his will read simply: “Do not revive! Fuck Obama!” If people’s life choices are fractals, not unlike the roots of a tree mimicking its branches, it shouldn’t surprise you that Hamilton was also upset that his dreams of being a successful entrepreneur went up in smoke. And his defunct business you ask? A tanning salon on a fucking beach in Key West. Had Gov. Romney triumphed on November 6th, perhaps the Floridian could have seized upon an alternatively brilliant career as an ice cream man in Reykjavik or a ski lift operator in Tahiti. “Oh, but that’s so mean.” Sit down. Respect for the dead is not like an obligatory cheap floral wreath you can just stab into the ground graveside, rather it must be earned in life. People who deny themselves & others of their rights are not worthy of laurels simply because they’re no longer alive to further their self-loathing agenda. Edison research for the National Election Pool showed heterosexuals evenly divided between Obama and Romney at 49% to 49%, whereas among LGBT voters the percentage was in the president’s favor 76% to Romney’s 22%. This means that for every 100 people at Splash in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood there are 22 men in pleated khakis who are total assholes. Every GOP pundit since Election Day has admitted that Republicans need to figure out a way to attract Asian & Hispanic voters, who voted overwhelmingly for Obama. That line of thought, however, reeks of disingenuousness: The right wing is openly looking at ways to capture votes by posturing & ruminating over tactics like an exterminator choosing which brand of cheese to place on a mousetrap. And why won’t they talk about how to appeal to gay voters? White male social conservatives are the bread and butter of the Republican Party & if the GOP supported same-sex marriage they would lose their base. Conversely, The New York Times reports that the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life has proven that the vast number of younger voters & female voters support marriage equality legislation. But don’t forget that 22% of the LGBT community is more than pleased to vote for the Party that denies them the same rights as other Americans. The executive director of the Log Cabin Republicans, R. Clarke Cooper, recently stated that he believes his organization has a “very good message; a good plan. But it’s been drowned out by the cacophony & the noise that is perceived as anti-immigrant, or anti-LGBT, or anti-women.” Never mind that the use of “cacophony” & “noise” is redundant, Cooper’s denial that his Party is anti-immigrant (GOP opposes the Dream Act), and anti-LGBT community (GOP supports the Defense of Marriage Act), and anti-women (constant redefining & trivializing rape) is preposterous. Cooper further defended his alliance with the GOP, saying that Congressional Republicans tell him that they support marriage equality & that “behind closed doors that this is the direction we need to go as a party but publicly they’re not doing that.” And with that defense we could argue that anti-abolitionists whispered to their slaves behind closed doors that they actually supported the Emancipation Proclamation but they just couldn’t tell anyone. And what of the Uncle Toms & Aunt Thomasinas who defended their masters? Today’s gay Uncle Toms are still parading about under the GOP’s big top to no avail And even once the tent has been struck, and the stakes pulled up, the gay lackeys will continue to dance under the tarp until they’ve smothered themselves to death. Perhaps that’s what they wanted all along — one long slow suicide.

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