Forgive him if he apologizes. Then dump him.
Then go out for drinks.
I know how you feel OP. If it makes you feel better I found out my (ex) partner had cheated on me the night my Mother died while I was at the hospital taking care of the arrangements - I asked him to come and meet me there and he said he couldn't because of a work commitment. We had been together for 8 years.
That's it? No details?
I need details. Are you a lousy lay OP? Frigid? No fun?
Kick his ass when he tells you. It will make you feel better
punch and delete
Mh my God, R2!
That is the WORST, R2.
Most men cheat, but that is unpardonably awful.
R2 here - yeah, he had arrangements for the tryst earlier in the week and must have been eagerly anticipating it. I'm not unrealistic - I know that after 8yrs together things got a little boring in the bedroom but the timing was unforgiveable. Even worse is that my Mother adored him and welcomed him into our family as one of her own.
These things happen.
You should have burned his house down.
Nothing like always being attracted to the type of guys who cheat.
r2 - when and how did you break it off? So sorry that happened to you. Now, spill.
Call me, OP
"Nothing like always being attracted to the type of guys who cheat. "
But how can you tell the ones who don't? I thought a homely guy would be safe, but apparently not.
Are gay men ever surprised when they're cheated on? Don't we expect it on some level? I haven't met many gay guys who actually want to be monogamous or exclusive. Ultimately, most always seem to want to adopt some little bedroom buddy.
Oh please please please let OP be a lesbian! This thread'll hit 600 in about four hours.
Unlike most straight men, I don't think most gay men believe it's ok for themselves to cheat but not for their partners.
I've been with my partner for four years and we were going to get married this spring. Had plans to spend our first Thanksgiving together this year. :(
Actually cheating on the night of your mothers death makes sense. He needed an escape from the misery. Sex is a drug of escape.
wow, [r2], hope you dumped that asshole.
How did you find out, OP?
Cheating is natural and unpardonable.
What a pity men and women can't be faithful to a person and constantly feel the urge to fuck somebody else, don't you think? It's almost disheartening if you think this deeply.
But so it goes. However, i would love to believe that not all men and women end up cheating their lovers just for the thrill of it, or just because they feel empty and bored.
OP sorry to hear...best wishes to you. I hope you can meet up with a friend or some friends and hang out?
[quote]Don't we expect it on some level?
No. We expect people want variety, and that's fine. But doing it behind another's back is just cowardly.
I found out on New Years Eve when I found a homemade porn video on my boyfriend's laptop that he had made with some guy. And it later turned out the burning I had thought was a UTI (even though they're extremely rare in men)... Yep.
Wanting sexual variety is one thing; lying, giving your partner a STD or worse, being selfish while wanting "sexual variety" in another.
Too many "men are by nature promiscuous" devotees are just apologists for unbelievably egoistic behavior at the expense of others.
OP, I hope you find someone who's willing to give you the love and respect you deserve.
I don't have a problem when two consenting adults having a relationship that satisfies both partners (opened, closed...whatever); however, nothing hurts like being deceived by someone you love. There's no excuse for 2 people having an inconsistent understanding about the true nature of their relationship.
R25 You can't trust anyone really. It would be nice if everyone was honest. Should always use protection even with your BF cuz you never know whom he's doing on the side but I guess you know that. Sorry.
[quote]You can't trust anyone really.
Do you really mean that? Or do you really mean "you can't trust GAY MEN really".
That's what it sounds like, and it's bullshit and anti-gay.
You can trust people who have earned your trust. Sorry you feel that no gay men can be trusted.
A man is as faithful as his options.
R29 do you think straight men are any more faithful?
The trill of cheating is in itself, part of the allure.
70% of married straight men cheat. 50-60% of married straight women cheat.
What fucking whores.
Don't be a drama queen. This may be the best thing that could ever happen in your relationship. Forgive him, make him feel really bad about it (carefully make subtle references about him betraying you) and you will have an upper hand in the relationship in which, so far, you seemed to have been a naive doormat.
I never liked the term 'cheating' so grammar school, unless you guys had some kind of contract.
still, I had been flirting with a hot guy at his job and it was harmless because after I learned he lived with his boyfriend I knew I didn't have a chance, so it was a running joke.
then I recently found out he actually thought I was attractive and that threw a monkey wrench into it for me. I went to talk about it with him at work and guess who walks in behind me?
I could tell because I had heard a description of him before, and they kissed. I hightailed it out of there and felt bad the rest of the week.
Humans are flawed. We can't promise fidelity because we can't predict the future. All we can do is lessen the chances of straying by not putting ourselves in compromising positions (side eye to R35).
What r26 said. After 25 years, I had to kick the parasite out. Have never been happier and I don't look back.
R29 = queen of the non-sequitur
r38 do you know what 'non-sequitur' means?
Claim: You can't trust anyone.
Conclusion: No gay men can be trusted.
It does not follow.
Actually, I'll revise that. If you take 'anyone' to be all inclusive, then I suppose that does include all gay men. But you see what I'm getting at.
Actually it does follow if the first statement is true.
OP, are you a gay man? If so, then if you're not the one doing the cheating, you're the one being cheated on. That goes with the territory.
No details is right. I think this says it all about the poster: BORING. I suspect The boyfriend just got friggen BORED and split.
WTF? Do you honestly expect monogamy in a gay relationship? It's not gonna happen, dearie. I had a lover for 10 years and he screwed around with all our cocktail party guest friends, all the while staunchly insisting he wasn't up to anything (totally oblivious to that disease we all know and fear: HIV).
Now, thanks to my wanting a husband to avoid HIV, here I am sitting with full-blown AIDS!
I haven't had sex since 2003 and I'm fine with it. (Yes, girls, this is a TRUE statement, self-control. Don't want to put someone's life on the line with a condom, and besides I have pretty pussy cats to tend to and a lovely knitting hobby that keeps my mind occupied)
[quote]my Mother adored him and welcomed him into our family as one of her own.
I knew a mother who did this. And then she died.
Oh, OP...that sucks, I know how you feel. Dump him, and move on. I guarantee that he will cheat again, if you take him back.
[quote]I know how you feel OP. If it makes you feel better I found out my (ex) partner had cheated on me the night my Mother died while I was at the hospital taking care of the arrangements
Oh, man! Worse timing. I was dumped on Easter Day, after 2 years...and it was with another friend.
I still cannot believe Anderson Cooper took Ben back. Anderson must be desperate.
Details, OP. Was it just sex? Sex with love? Just one guy or multiple? Once or over an extended period of time? How much did he lie to you? For many people there are levels of cheating that are forgiveable. What's your dealbreaker?
R29, assume much? R28 in no way stated that he/she felt that you can't trust gay men. Yet, you twisted his words and threw accusations out that had no basis in fact. Let me assume and say that by your reaction, R28 hit a nerve and you've cheated on your partners before.
R34, why would you want to have a relationship where you "have the upper hand" by making "subtle remarks" to make your partner feel like shit? What are we, in high school? Because the games you suggest OP play are games most of us stopped when we became mature adults.
All gay men are cheaters.
I'd just leave or make him.
OP = Drama Queen
I hear ya, OP.
Scott B. (not my real name)
R29 = the non-hearing, non-comprehending, anti-gay troll
R50 you're changing the subject. and BTW Anderson is anything BUT desperate. Gay. straight, male, female...everyone wants the Silver Fox. He could have whomever he wants. And he loves Ben.
Forgive and forget...
"Don't trust anyone" is tacitly directed at gay men.
People never advise their parents or straight siblings to always use condoms because their partners can't be trusted.
You don't hear people say "What? You're pregnant? Didn't you use protection because 70% of men cheat and he could be giving you HIV or other STDs?"
But with gay men, even long term couples, it's always: Can't trust him.
To rationalize it, someone inevitably someone talks about their many friends who thought they were in monogamous relationships until their skanky ho BFs gave them HIV.
man r29 and r61 have issues! What poor victims.
I certainly wasn't directing that comment at gay men R61. I'm sorry you interpreted it that way. I honestly don't think humans are meant to be monogamous. I think the opposite is the norm. And yes of course if someone gets pregnant accidentally people say "what? you didn't use a condom?". I know I'd say that. This is the 21st century and most people know about STDs and AIDs. Who would trust someone else with their health? Not me. And any man (gay or straight) who would risk their partner's life by having unsafe sex with an outside party and then not disclosing that fact is a pretty low form of life. But maybe that's why you are offended. There's nothing wrong with having an open relationship as long as both parties know about it.
"Gay. straight, male, female...everyone wants the Silver Fox. He could have whomever he wants. And he loves Ben"
I don't think everyone. To me he is unattractive and too girly. His "career" entirely based on having been born into the right family.
In everyone of my realtionships since 16yrs old I have been monogamous.
The realtionships have lasted from 6 months to 8 yrs and I never cheated once.
Not that I didnt have my chances, Im handsome, sucessful and in the hotel business where I meet guys everyday.
I sometimes think cheating has alot to do with insecurity issues.
Unfortunately I can not say the same for my partners. The only regret I have is when I forgave and the guys just around and did it again!
I wonder about Ben's taste in fuck buddies. The guy he's about to kiss is gross. His hair is greasy, he kisses with his eyes open and you can see his pale tongue protruding from his mouth before their lips even meet. I think he looks like a hustler. A cheap hustling rube. A walking STD. Ewww.
[quote]In everyone of my realtionships since 16yrs old I have been monogamous.
"Everyone" is a pronoun. You mean "every one." To figure out which one to use, if you can substitute "everybody," then it's "everyone." If you can substitute "each one" then it's "every day."
[quote]Not that I didnt have my chances, Im handsome, sucessful and in the hotel business where I meet guys everyday.
"Everyday" is an an adjective. You mean "every day." Similarly, substitute "each day" to figure this one out if it should be two words.
So even if you never learn anything about picking men, at least you learned something here r65.
OP are you Holly Petraeus? I knew you were a dyke!!! Welcome to the DL hon!! we are your people!
[quote] I found out my (ex) partner had cheated on me the night my Mother died while I was at the hospital taking care of the arrangements
Are you my cousin, R2? She was dumped by her cheating husband, by phone, on the day that she was flying to another state to sit with her dying mother.
Here I am spending Friday night on campus drowning myself in work in a lame attempt to take my mind off being cheated on.
This comes after recently learning that the person whom I considered to be the love of my life has not only been screwing someone else behind my back but that this third person in our relationship is a woman.
For the past three years.
He also made her pregnant and their son is about to turn two years old.He is the spitting image of his father right down to the dimples.
To say I am fucking fuming is an understatement.I have not told anyone else as yet about this and yet to confront him as he is currently out of state on business.
My head is fucked beyond belief.At this moment I cannot think straight even if my life depended on it.
Five years of my life down the toilet along with all the dreams I had for both of us.
I cannot imagine ever coming back from this gigantic clusterfuck.
I agree about R19 about sex being a drug for escape. After a funeral that very badly affected me I was overwhelmed bu this urge to see and spend time with (and more) this beautiful woman, friend of the berieved (who was a very close mutual friend of ours). I'm pretty sure she felt the same way, she said give me a call. I couldn't go through with it in the end and never called her, but I thought about her for months. And I'm pretty sure it was a coping mechanism.
R70, if you are lucky enough to enjoy your work, there's always that.
Personally, I like travelling and seeing landscapes/learning about history.
Try to bear in mind that cheating is all about the person who cheated, not about the person who was cheated on.
THEY are the ones unhappy about some aspect of themselves and/or their lives and feeling helpless to change it in any other way, so they put a patch on the real problem by taking up with somebody new, who will gaze at them with adoration in their eyes rather than a less-enamored but deeper understanding of them as flawed people.
Of course it hurts like hell and will for awhile, but take comfort in the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Slap him, M'Lynn!
Work can only take so much off your mind in this situation.
It is not easy when you have been madly in love with someone for half a decade and really believed you would both marry one day.
Only to later find out that everything you had shared was based on lies.
If that was not bad enough aleady....he had been leading a double life in Seattle and broke off all contact with his side dish....when she refused to have an abortion.
She apparently took for granted that he was straight given his "bedroom skills".
He is a lying cheater who is also a deadbeat father that has never contributed a single cent towards his own child.....impressive when you consider that he earns a six figure salary as an oncologist for big pharma.
I feel sick thinking about it since I have never known the love of a father.My partner also knows just how much this absence has affected me as a person.
He came out as gay to his family at his early twenties.He has their support and they accepted me into their lives when we began dating some years later.
In retrospect you only begin to take notice of signs when shit hits the fan.I feel like such a fucking blind asshole now as there were times I did see him subtly checking out women in ways that only a straight man would.
Love is blind and I was in fucking denial.
I vividly remember asking him if he was bisexual.He looked me in the eye and adamantly told me "NO".
I believed him attributing it to paranoia.
I earned that right as mental as it may seem. He is one of the most gorgeous men I had ever laid my eyes on and was lucky enough to have.
Naturally I have had to put up with the advances of other gay men who thought they stood a chance.
I had even told my straight female friends who were smitten by him to eat their hearts out.
The fucking irony.
R70, how did you find out?
[quote]"What? You're pregnant? Didn't you use protection because 70% of men cheat and he could be giving you HIV or other STDs?"
I don't know who you socialize with, but I say that rather frequently.
r70 is a good example of why one should not count his or her chickens before they've hatched.
R73 is absolutely right. As someone who contemplates infidelity on a regular basis, it is absolutely about that. When you need a break from your life, when you are unhappy with yourself or your situation, you need a new gaze upon yourself. Something new, anything sometimes in fact. Someone who knows you too well reminds you of your flaws even if they don't intend to.
I haven't slept with my wife in years, although I have often wished to do so with somebody else. I just don't feel like having sex with her. It's like I need to take a break so I can go back. With time, it's getting worse. I'm afraid that when I do take a break I will be leaving her.
Never forget "A Stiff Dick Has No Conscience."
Too true, R80.
Found CSS at my front door with a child support order in tow just before I headed out of our apartment on 08/11.
The custodial parent's details are on the legal documentation so I did not waste any time in attempting to get hold of her.
After all I was curious to find out if this person was a lunatic.
Not before rummaging through my partner's stuff in the hopes of finding anything that would point in that direction.
He has a password for everything.Most of them are unknown to me.
The reason behind this would soon reveal itself.
I communicated with her over the phone and via email for a few days.Sharing information back and forth.
She was well aware that I was suspicuous of her accusations from the very beginning so she forwarded me pictures of them together at the first opportunity she got.
They sure appeared to be having a fucking awesome time.
She lives up to the plain jane stereotype who by some miracle is able to get the great looking guys.
There was even a picture of them both in the midst of sex which she had taken where you can clearly see that he is using no protection.
Besides I am well acquainted with that particular dick and would notice it anywhere.
It was IT.
I did find it a little weird that she had amassed a detailed record of almost everything that occurred between them both.
Still it helps someone like me who has been in the dark for most of that time.
She found it hard to swallow that he was sexually attracted to men.
And damn good at it too.
The kid is an open and shut case.
Seen the pictures.
He is definitely his father's doppelganger as a toddler even if the paternity test is yet to happen.
I told his sister and two of my closest friends about this last night.
They are at a loss for words.
The bastard returns tomorrow after a two week business trip and I am figuring out just how to confront him without eventually calling the cops on me.
I know I am in the minority here but I don't think cheatging is necessarily the worst think that can happen in a relationship.
Thank you, R83.
Are gay men ever surprised when they're cheated on? Don't we expect it on some level?
Yes, but not because it has to be that way.
Social conditioning encourages men to believe that they can't think beyond their base desires. ie., "Boys will by boys" "he thinks with his dick" etc. etc.
This coupled with deep seated internalized homophobia and a lifetime messages telling — both outside and insider of our own community— us that Gay couples don't exist, can't be "real", don't count and are just are NOT as good as straight families, lead gay men (and women for that matter) to believe that any struggle we face in our relationships must be because we're not meant to be monogamous.
Good luck, R82. She'll win.
Move on? Easier said than done, as always. But you'll be better off without him is my guess.
[quote]Unlike most straight men, I don't think most gay men believe it's ok for themselves to cheat but not for their partners.
I was at a charity function once and one of the elder gays was making bets on how long a newly formed couple would be together. We've turned it into sport. This is true of gay men and lesbians.
The truth is that within our own community the expectation of relationship doom is pervasive. How often do people ask us, "Are you still with ___?" after not seeing us for a while?
This is not something people ask of married couples and straight people. It's rude it assumes that the possibility of your being single is imminent.
I got cheated on when I went away for a weekend to my friend's wedding. Luckily the relationship was only a couple years in and I had my own apartment to move back to immediately.
It took me a long time to get over it though, I was young at the time. It takes a while to get over being cheated on, especially when you have genuine feelings for someone else.
But in the end, it was for the best, they were already falling in love and it wasn't just about the sex. They are still together now, I still speak to my ex if I see him out but I can't get on with the bf. I've forgiven them both but I'll never forget.
R85 hit the nail on the head.
Beyond cheating....he lied to me about his sexuality and knocked someone up in the process.
I wish he would have been more honest with me from the get go.
I think I deserved at least that much.
So does his family.
He has a lot of backtracking to do since he openly called himself "gay" fifteen years ago.
He is masculine and would not ping unless he becomes overtly suggestive.
I am way more sensitive.
Yes I may be gay but I have never cheated on anyone which explains why this is so hard for me.
OP, you need to get away from this situation and FAST... otherwise Molly, you in danger gurl.
Will it be easy for you to kick him out of the house, R82 R91?
I agree with what a lot of people are saying. It isn't the wanting to sleep with other people which is the problem, it is the dishonesty that is the problem.
Communicate honestly we can talk about it, fool around behind the back while lying to my face. Kick your ass to the curb.
r2, I am so sorry that happened. I hope you kicked his sorry ass to the curb.
r82, was your partner a narcissist? It is hard to fathom how someone could behave that way and not have a personality disorder.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
My partner and I have been together almost 26 years. We just got married a few days ago.
I have never once been tempted to cheat on her. I don't believe she has either.
I love her very, very much.
Yes, but you're a lesbian. I'm not sure women cheat as much as men, R97.
Cheating may be OK if the marriage is sexless and the marriage cannot be easily dissolved due to family and financial issues...
Thanks R97, we are all very happy for you, but some of us live in the real world, where hearts are broken, people cheat, people fall in an out of love. Your life is not what most of us go through. I'm not demeaning you, just be grateful you haven't had to deal with OP's situation.
R82, why don't you just write him a letter, and go somewhere else while he arrives? Try to take a few days off before confronting him, so that you can calm down and, above all, talk to a few people who might help you to put everything in perspective.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. To say that he is a piece of shit is an understatement. However, it's positive that you have found out now, before it's too late - five years isn't that long and, if he has been capable of deceiving you so shamelessly, and has treated his own son with such cruelty, imagine what he's capable of. It's been better to find out about it now that you can still rebuild your life, before he decides that you don't matter anymore and simply discards you. I know that you don't believe me, but the pain you're feeling at the moment is nothing compared to what you would feel then.
And then, they say that bisexual men are not deceiving, conniving, exploitative and evil creeps.
I wish it were that easy to have the last say and kick my partner out but he owns the apartment that we live in.
If anyone's leaving it would have to be me.
I realized this morning after some reflection just how fucked up one's thinking can get after having thought the world of somebody
only to later find out that you were blindsided by them.
That you would actually be willing to look past their indiscretions no matter how colossal it is.
For a split second I actually believed that if I leave him....I will never find somebody who is as beautiful a man and successful as he is.
To the outside world my partner has always come across as "perfect".
He is aware of his aesthetic appeal and being held in high regard by many because of his line of work.
I cannot even count the number of times I have been told by numerous people "just how lucky" I am for getting someone like him.
It's not like I am nothing without him.I have great things going on in my life including a PhD in progress from one of the best schools in the country.
Until now my partner has been percieved to be a measure of my personal success.
But....neither am I going to tolerate his constant stream of lies and infidelity any further.
No man is worth stooping that low for.
Which is why I have packed some of my stuff and will be heading over to my mom's place after campus today.
The emptiness should be a welcoming sight when he returns back this evening.
Wow, R102! Good luck! The situation is completely effed up... However, you are proving that you have both dignity and courage.
I hope that you can find someone worthy of your love and respect soon enough. He is obviously not it, no matter how "beautiful" he might be on the outside.
"Cheating" = Lying.
There is no excuse for it.
There are some pretty effed up stories here. It makes you wonder whether having a relationship is safe at all - most men appear to be deranged psychopaths who are only waiting for the best time to completely mess your life and leave you high and dry. It's just horrible.
What gay hasn't been cheated on by a boyfriend? It comes with the territory.