Let's pretend we're Gwyneth Paltrow on Thanksgiving.

"I've set an empty place for father. You know even though his pedigree included a Kablahblah master, he loved his canned cranberries, so I've had a faux version of it created from organic beets and cruelty free arrowroot, look at those ridges, like it was straight from the Ocean Spray can. It's so dear to me."

• I'm thankful for my good friends, like Billy and Mario and Cameron.

• Take the tofurkey back to the kitchen, Carmella. I cannot in good conscience offer it to my guests as a cruelty-free option having seen the chef swat a fly while preparing it.

• And what would Thanksgiving be without my niggaz Jay-Z and Beyonce???

  Gwyneth

• Mother, why is it that you always drink so much when we're together? I never hear about you acting like this with other people. [sniff].

• that was good, OP!

  lol

• R3's post is the only one even remotely funny. Back to the drawing board queens.

• Stay away from the pumpkin pie, mom. Fat isn't becoming on you.

• Remember when daddy would moan with pleasure while eating turkey?

• (tapping wine glass) Excuse me, everyone, sorry to interrupt your no doubt brilliant conversations, but the chefs are running a little late with dinner. Have some more Pave d’Auge to tide you over until appetizers are ready to be served. Grazie, Gracias, Merci

• I love that this darling table runner is made from the chin fur of those adorable llamas that we donated to those families in Chilay. What? No, not Shelly, where is Shelly? I said ChilLAY.

• It's just not working.

• OP, you were perfect!

• Would you like some Apple Pie, Apple?

• OP is a tough act to follow. Here goes... Although I believe in attachment parenting, especially when nannies get too close, it's important that Apple and Moses learn a valuable lesson at the children's table, Winona, make sure your clown's nose doesn't fall off when you present the pumpkin parfait.

• We will enjoy the late fall dolphin mousse while yo' yo' ma performs by the waterfall I hope that bitch dies of tit cancer

• No children: of course we're not eating until at least 11 pm. What do you think we are, plebeian middle Americans who eat their Thanksgiving meal during the proper time for [italic]siesta[/italic]?

• Thanksgiving is a time for family.....so would someone call Blythe and make sure she is taking her bone density pills and isn't lying in a heap somewhere?

• You know, that punch bowl in the corner was Muddie's. It's interesting because she was a cunt.

• (after a few drinks...) Hey, don't I have a brother? Whatever happened to him?

• (after a few more drinks...) Hey, why do Ben and Jen always look so happy even just getting ice cream? They don't even eat a vegan macrobiotic diet!!! How is this possible? I know he still loves me.

• No television, children, unless it is in French or Italian.

• Instead of saying grace we'll all be gathering on my meditation terrace by the waterfall where we will be served kale chips and roasted chickpeas and fresh-squeezed pomegranate juice. And after dinner: group Pilates!

  Carmelita, you have to squeeze each pip INDIVIDUALLY

• No dessert for me, thank you, I'm so frightfully full! And no dessert for Apple, either. She had nearly a whole ounce of those sweet potatoes, and she's looking awfully bloated from the carbs.

• We British don't celebrate your silly American holidays.

  www.goop.com

• Amen to that, guv'nuh! It's a bloody U.S. holiday!

  Madonner