Or have you ever dated one?
I've been dating a great guy. He's handsome, sexy, charming, kind, etc. He's also brilliant. He's a doctor/professor/smartypants with several advanced degrees and he's the director of his department in the university where he's been appointed or whatever. He seems to like me but I'm nowhere near his academic equal. I'm intelligent enough in my way. I have an undergrad degree (big whoop), have a variety of interests and activities that I'm involved in, and can carry on a reasonably intelligent conversation about a variety of topics. But his brain kind of intimidates me. It makes me feel a little insecure.
He doesn't boast about his credentials and is actually quite humble. When we're together it's lovely. We do things and talk about things that most couples do and talk about.
I guess I'm worried that he'll get bored with me or think I'm stupid. And how could I ever relate to his friends and colleagues?
Are there any smartypants/non-smartypants success stories on Datalounge?
What's the problem? Smart, successful straight men date/marry stupid (but attractive) women all the time.
It depends. How big is your dick?
Why do all these posts sound written by the same person and completely fake.
Who uses "etc." when describing someone's attributes?
It's obvious: he's only with you because he assumes you're malleable and ignorant; he gets off on controlling you.
it's probably a real hothouse where he works, he probably appreciates the freshness of being around someone who isn't in his competitive incestuous world. enjoy it and stop being so insecure.
R2 nailed it.
Academic life is all consuming. Your intelligence is not the issue but his environment might be unless you are able to stand on your own two feet.
I have slightly-above-average intelligence but have quite a pedestrian mind. Like Hillary, I am "likable enough." I dated someone for eight years who was way, way ahead of me in intelligence. It worked for a while because we had very good chemistry and liked and respected each other a lot. But I felt insecure a lot of the time.
[quote]Your intelligence is not the issue but his environment might be unless you are able to stand on your own two feet.
I don't know what that means.
See? Told you. I'm dumb.
What's interesting, OP, assuming this is not an EST, is that you see it as only about him, which is a bad start to begin with. The challenge for the academic's partner is that academics are never "off work" -- the stereotype that they barely work is in fact the opposite of the truth -- they are working every day, including weekends and vacations, because there is always something more that they can do -- there is always more research, reading, and publication they can do, in addition to the never-ending mountain of reference letters, external reviews, committees, etc.
OP, if your BF is like R10, then run!
Don't be insecure about the lack of advanced degrees. It's the insecurity that will kill the relationship, not the lack of a PhD, MD or JD. You may be a breath of fresh air to his colleagues, some or many of which he can't even stand. And he might like the idea that he can teach you about things that you didn't know about. Concentrate on being you and living a good, full life.
[qoute]it's probably a real hothouse where he works, he probably appreciates the freshness of being around someone who isn't in his competitive incestuous world. enjoy it and stop being so insecure.
this is the tl;dr summary of what i came here to post. ditto R12.
R12 is on to something. A few years ago I was seeing a guy who was a Phd, a leader in his field of science (he and his work was actually featured on an episode of Nova once) I on the other hand have a worthless undergrad degree in Art History and another degree from a tech school (boring work but it pays well) What he got out of the relationship with me was he could relax, interact with a person on a "normal" level. Also there were so many things he didnt know about until he met me. Sure he knew the speed of light by heart and could calculate pi to the nth digit, but he never saw a John Waters movie, visited MOMA or went snowboarding until he met me. We had a great time together, and if it weren't for the fact that he took a job on the other side of the country, I think we would still be together.
Don't let his advance degree intimidate you OP. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
I boned my British Lit professor in college. Does that count?
R10 said what I meant. We are never off work and it can be really hard on our partners. Most people I know in the academy are partnered with other academics which seems to work better due to lifestyle rather than intelligence issues. Besides which - many academics aren't that fucking smart.
I dated a man who was a brilliant surgeon, and he also had quite a bit of his research published in medical journals. He was really cute, in a nerdy way. I have a B.S., and barely made it by academically. I was really good looking and young at the time (I was 26 and he was in his mid 40s). We dated for months, and I got along in his social circle, but he was an ass to my friends. We went to a party, and a friend (just making conversation) asked what he did for a living. He replied "I doubt that you would be interested" and walked away. I realized then that it would never work.
R12 and R14 are onto something. He is very work-focussed. He has to be and I get that.
He does seem to really enjoy when we just go out for dinner or to a movie, theatre, concert, etc. Something normal. He particularly enjoys going to pubs to drink beer and hear local bands.
Maybe he's looking for balance and I'm his reminder that there's life outside the lab/boardroom.
I haven't mentioned my concerns to him yet. It's early days in our relationship yet. But it might not hurt to clear the air and hear what he's actually thinking.
OP I strongly suggest you DO NOT bring up your concerns. You know the phrase, "if its not broke dont fix it" Don't let him think that his advanced degree is a detriment. It sounds like he wants with you a "normal" interaction. Making him think you dont see him as normal, even if it means you see him as above normal, could make him feel self conscious. Telling him things like, "I really like that you're intelligent" or "its so refreshing to be around someone who is not shallow" is a better way to go. If down the road things are going well and it looks like you may have something more long term with him maybe then you could bring up your concerns. But I have a feeling by then those concerns will have evaporated.
OP, you're lucky you have found a partner who is funny, interesting, successful, smart, and who loves you.
I'm an academic. Just because I have advanced degrees does not mean that I am better than anyone with a bachelor's degree or no degree at all. And certainly doesn't mean that I'm smarter.
Believe me, I suffer from feelings of inadequacy. And I'm sure the guy you're dating does as well.
Share your feelings with him. Share your interests. Learn from each other.
I bet your guy also thinks he's the luckiest guy in the world because he found you, OP!
Don't worry about the little stuff!