Question about cheating

I cheat and while I could stop, I don't want to. Is anybody else like this? I feel like shit, except when I'm getting laid, and I'm getting pressure from my two best friends to straighten up or smarten up or something because they like my partner. When I was younger I loved the sexual freedom of being gay. I still do. My partner and I have been together three years and we have different sexual needs. He's not into anything except us and I see it as we're still pretty hot and only mid thirties...we've got tons of time to be dead eldergays holding hands and watching TV. We're totally compatible in every way except sexually. He doesn't want to do three ways and he sure won't go open. He says I need to grow up. But I love the sex too much. I'm get really pissed off when I get pressure to change. We have an excellent relationship except for the different sexual needs. Fuck, we're not dead, we're men. Is anybody else cheating because they don't have an alternative other than walking away, which would be stupid when 90% of the relationship is awesome?

• I have been with the same man since age 14, for 11 years now. We've never cheated, and I'm not dead and I'm a man.

• I feel sorry for your oblivious partner, OP. You are highly selfish by not being honest with him and notallowing him to make *his* choices a.k.a. booting you to the curb, since you state that he would never allow an open relationship.

• It's fine if you want three ways or an open relationship, but if you're doing it behind your partners back, your relationship is built on lies. Your lies. Get out of the relationship, because you will get found out and it will end anyway. Enjoy sexual freedoms if that's what you want, but don't deceive someone. It may be 90% awesome, but that is based on deception. If you want a relationship that is an open relationship, find someone who wants that too.

• Clearly you've got some issues. It seems like "getting laid" is helping you forget for a brief while whatever problem(s) you're having. Sex is part of a relationship, but it's not THE ONLY THING. Be honest with your partner and tell him. Maybe try an open relationship? Going behind his back...tsk tsk.

• I think it's totally fine for one or both partners to explore sex outside the relationship, but only if it's been agreed upon by both partners. Personally, if I had a boyfriend who I trusted and who wanted more sexually than I did but had a great relationship with otherwise, I would have no problem with opening things up, so long as there was no risk of disease and that our emotional relationship was primary. But if my BF were cheating without my knowledge, that would be a huge betrayal of trust. So you're being a jerk, OP, not because you're sleeping around but because you're being dishonest.

• [quote]We have an excellent relationship except for the different sexual needs. ... and the fact that you're deceiving him, due to your own cowardice. I agree with r3. I totally understand wanting to fool around. But I can't understand how you can lie to/mislead your partner. It's a like that you can't control your behavior. You're just rationalizing your own weaknesses.

• I hope you're using condoms, OP.

• [quote]He says I need to grow up. You do.

• If you aren't ready for a relationship, don't have one. Seems simple to me. If you want the freedom of being single ( not being gay, being single), then be single. Otherwise it would appear you are receiving benefits from being in a relationship without fulfilling your end.

• [quote]It's a like that you can't control meant "It's a LIE that you can't..."

• If you only feel good about yourself while having sex, then you definitely have some areas of your life you need to work on being more fulfilled in. Dont blame that on your partner. A lot of gay men and people in general have this problem. It has much do with issues leftover from adolescence that warp your development as an adult. If you dont feel like you can make improvements with that, then you should break up with your partner. You are mistreating him if he doesnt want an open relationship.

• I know gay men and women in open relationships, and that's fine because they are honest about it and happy with it. I know others that are in monogamous relationships and happy with that. You are in an illusion, not a relationship. You say "we're men", but you're not man enough to tell the truth.

• Something about your post says the excitement is in the cheating -- having it all, without having to reveal your true desires to your steady, who would be hurt if he knew that you get off on playing around without consequences. You aren't able to tell him the truth because then you risk being a lonely player instead of a partnered player. You want everything without having to be responsible to another persons feelings. You are Peter Pan and Pinocchio all rolled into one. You will be this way well into your 40s and maybe 50s, so be kind and cut the ties so your monogamous boyfriend has a chance at happiness with someone solid and honest.

• OP, its all fun games and hot sex until you find your partner and Iyanla Vanzant waiting outside your trick's house with a camera crew. You should give her a call before that happens.

  http://aoinspiration.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Vanzant.jpg

  Fix%20My%20Life

• You are also denying him the freedom to make safe sex choices. My current partner found out his previous partner had been cheating when he got tested and came out positive. They were both negative when they got together.

• R1 - That is beautiful.

• OK, I guess I'm on pretty thin ice then. Nothing anybody has said here is any different than anything anybody says in my real life. I need the sex. So I'll break it off. I appreciate the impartial perspective. (And yes, I always used condoms and I never did it while high - don't do drugs - so my judgment about safety was never impaired.) Thanks again for the perspective.

  OP

• Yes OP, you are on thin ice. It's fine if you want an open relationship- just have one with someone who wants the same.

• Yeah, fine. Here's what frustrates me tho. I am doing everything everybody says I am supposed to do. I eat healthy to stay thin, I work out to stay hot, I look good all the time, we have a fabulous condo that looks great, I am sex positive... I embrace it, I feel no guilt about it and I love it. And everybody knows when somebody wants you that means something. So I'm trying to do everything that is expected of me so I'm a successful gay man and I get ragged then because I am. I get it isn't fair to him. I just don't get why I am the bad guy for living life like I'm supposed to and getting all the sex I can.

• All of the previous responses are good and have covered this pretty well for you OP, but I will add that I was once much like you. I cheated on someone whom I knew would not be good with it. Now that the relationship is long since over (and trust me, yours is headed to an end too), I can honestly say I never again want to be the guy that I was then or again be in an unhappy, deceitful situation. Hurting someone else like that is really shitty, not to mention you are also hurting yourself. If you guys can't come to an agreement with one another on this, you need to really do the right thing and end it. Let your partner go so he can pursue someone who better fits his definition of monogamy and you can be free to be who you are. Best wishes to you both.

  Experiencedandwiserjustnotyeldergay

• So the opinions of strangers on the internet more than your friends or conscience is the deciding factor? You're not too bright if you didn't already know what the responses would be before you posted. Your boyfriend will be lucky to be rid of you.

• I was R19, sorry. I thought everybody almost everybody wanted open relationships. Everybody around here talks like monogamy is so unnatural and bad for us and impossible to pull off. I could do it if I want to but that's not the way gay men work. My parter, soon to be ex-partner, he never talks about monogamy per se. He just thinks since we're together nobody else exists for sex. And since he's soon to be ex... where the fuck do I drop this bomb? Do I have to move out? We own our condo together. This is going to be fucked up.

• OP, you don't get why you're the bad guy? You're only "bad" because you are lying to someone you supposedly care about. All because you're horny and think you deserve to get all the fucking you can get. It's the lying, hon. And "everybody knows when somebody wants you that means something". Are you talking about being wanted by your hook ups or being wanted by your boyfriend? Explain please!

• Fuck you, R21. Like I said, my best friend does think it isn't cool. But on here, given what I've read before, I thought people might be a little more realistic. Turns out they share the same view. Fine. And while some people were hard and blunt, nobody was a cunt like you R21. Enjoy curling up in your flannels with your cat.

  OP

• R23, it means if you're hot enough for somebody to want you, you're hot and that means you matter. That's how we are. It isn't exactly new news. How many fatties do you see looking good and getting laid?

  OP

• R19, are you stupid? It's about lies and deceit. Have sex with however many men you want to, but don't be a liar.

• I'm surprised no one hasn't already mentioned.., You're a whore, darlin

  C.%20Conners%2C%20Marriage%20counselor

• Wow OP, your post at R19 shows what an asshole you are. Truly reprehensible. Grow the fuck up you don't belong in a relationship and I feel awful for your partner. [quote] And everybody knows when somebody wants you that means something. Yeah, when you're in high school.

• Okay, OP is a total troll. Or has the emotional intelligence of a pre-teen girl. You said you were in your thirties, dear?

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• [quote]Enjoy curling up in your flannels with your cat. I see. You're just a tired cunt of a man.

• OP, do you love your partner or does he just complete the picture of what you perceive is the perfect life? And, randomly - what's your condo like?

• BTW, he knows I'm out there. He doesn't like it but he lives with it. I'm not totally skeeving him. We just don't talk about it much and when we do we fight. Anyway, I am not gonna fight with, as somebody pointed out, a bunch of strangers on the internet. I hear you, I guess I've got it wrong, and I'll end it. And yeah, Cristal, I know...me about 90% of the other guys out there with a 34 inch waist. Enjoy your Fig Newtons and Coke tonight.

  OP

• You don't really say how you feel about your partner. Just that you own a condo together.

• R31, I guess I love him. What does love mean? I don't think it's like TV or the movies. Our condo is... I don't know.. it's nice. It's modern. Bedroom's a fucking mess for all the clothes on the floor, LOL!

• If you are in your 30's and still talking like your posts at R19, R22, R24, R25, I suggest you seek out therapy. Seriously. You may be in arrested development. Your posts all sound like they are written like a horny adolescent (or college kid, at the most) , not a 30 something gay man who should be mature and have his shit together.

• [quote]BTW, he knows I'm out there. Liar.

• I guess everybody with something in common with me is already either out tonight or getting ready to go. And me too. Later. Thanks again to everybody who responded tough but without imposing their own garbage on this. I feel sorry for you too. It must be hard looking like you look. Thanks again to the folks who were measured.

  OP

• OP? Is that you, Brandon?

• TROLL. TROLL. TROLL. TROLL. TROLLLLLLLLL

• [quote]What does love mean? I don't think it's like TV or the movies. I agree. At some point, it's about making a decision, and respecting someone else, instead of always following your own impulses. He sounds like a good guy. He at least deserves more respect than you've been showing him. What is your sex life like with him?

• OP/r34 - Well, you're not that attached to him, so just go your own way and be happy. Plus if what he wants is to pair up with one guy, why not let him go while - as you put it - he's still hot enough to attract someone else?

• You seem quite fucked up OP.

• R40, he is a good guy (but he voted Republican twice so does that make me at least a little bit less of an asshole?) Our sex life is excellent. I gotta go. Meeting friends. Later.

  OP

• OP's a mite shallow, I see. I'm guessing the guy is not much of a deep thinker, doesn't have much in the way of outside interests other than working out to stay 'hot', and that his partner can probably do LOADS better than this Ken fuck-doll.

• Why, R42? I get the dishonesty shit but I don't think I'm all that different from most gay guys. So other than how I've handled the sex thing, what's so bad about me? Ah, fuck it... I gotta go.

  OP

• Bad, guess, 44. My partner can bench press ten pounds more than me and even I'd say he's the slightly hotter of the two of us.

  OP

• OP = what happens when you're molested by your father

• OP @ R43, you're some fucked up republican troll posting misinformation. If not, your post at R45 shows how damaged you are.

• OP, I know as chick I have a lot of nerve responding to you, but have you thought about the fact that your sex drive will wane (some) as you age, but your need for companionship won't. In fact, that will probably increase. If you have a great partner is all other respects, you may need to compromise because you don't know if you'll be lucky enough to find someone as great as he is again. Can't you just have an active "porn" life to satisfy your extracurricular interests?

• He's not trolling he could be my ex. Fool, dump your BF he's too good for such a scummy creature. Wonder if he would get a reduced sentence for kicking your ass when you bring him an STI from your whoring around??

• [quote]Ah, fuck it... I gotta go. You didn't go. The attention of whatever kind keeps you interested. You are not a free, liberated man. You thrive on the attention of others. Grow a pair.

• Lying. Cheating. Lying about cheating. Not so good, and you know this or you would not have posed the question. I too cheated on someone in a LTR who I completely shared my life and home, heart and money with. I confessed the next day, he was extremely hurt. It took many months of therapy to recover the ground lost and a lot longer to regain trust. I was quite resentful of his pain, to be honest. We are together 15 years later and not yet in flannel. Both hot. If you had no discussion with a life partner before buying a condo together regarding the nature of your relationship and the sexual boundaries and emotional expectations, then you are a very young thirty something. I don't believe this. You said you feel guilty. Implies that you are aware of your partner's expectations. Do you think that most healthy hot men in their thirties, gay and straight don't love sex and attention ? There is a choice to be made about these things. Over and over again. You have made yours. Tell your partner and make sure that you are prepared to honestly discuss your desires, because he may well forgive you. Good luck with it all. Grow up some. Condoms are not moral barriers. Lying is not so cool.

  2%20cats%20and%20a%20dog

• R49, he already told us how important it is to his ego to be desired by others, you know, for his hot body and all. OP doesn't want to waste all that hotness he works so hard to display. Who can blame him. Porn would never be enough to satisfy. This is about being seen and desired and taking all opportunities available. OP, you might think about heading to Hollywood!

• I'm curious OP: how many guys do you have sex with in say, a month? How do you meet? What do you do? Do you know who the guys are and stay in touch with them, or just forget about them after the sex? Have you ever contracted an STD from one of your tricks? I think that apps like Grindr and Scruff are actually helping to shape people like OP.

• lol r53.

• [quote]I think that apps like Grindr and Scruff are actually helping to shape people like OP. Interesting theory. It has often been said that cheating is all about opportunity.

• While you're at it, go see a psychiatrist about your raging narcissistic personality disorder.

• OP is also putting the two people that he calls his best friends in the position of having to lie to his partner.

• I love R53!

• lmao you gurls in this thread really gave it hard to the OP.

• [quote] Bedroom's a fucking mess for all the clothes on the floor, LOL! He does sound rather young!

• OP, if you have to ask, that means you know this isn't right. Only you can make your choices but I think you already know what you need to do. Best wishes to you, and take care of yourself.

• Hello, people who can disapprove without drawing blood, esp. R62 and I think R49 (the female who dared give a reply trying to be helpful. I was out at dinner but thinking about this. So I decided what I'm capable of and so tomorrow will definitely break it off when he gets home. I know some of you think I am a pretty terrible person. I don't really care. Sorry if I was rude before. I was on the defensive. My boyfriend isn't perfect. He's apparently a better person than me. So we will go our own ways and he can get what he wants and I can get what I want. I'm going to have the conversation as soon as he gets home from work. Anybody know a stylin' hotel that goes for an affordable rate? I gotta bring my fellow whores somewhere and I doubt it's going to be this address any longer. (Joking. I never brought anybody here.)

• Long night and morning over, long day ahead. We broke up.

  OP

• Bless, OP, did it go well? I actually don't think what you did was awful.

• I sat up all night waiting for him to get home from his shift. Thank God for cam4. He told me he's been cheating for the last two months with some super guy who's all about monogamy apparently. Make sense of that. So he's cool with me staying here while we sort out the financials and the place. I work today so I won't see him. It's going to be weird.

• OP, I'm younger than you and yet you still sound incredibly immature. You need to break it off with your boyfriend and continue being a whore. You probably don't even get tested regularly (while being stupid enough to believe condoms are 100% effective in preventing HIV and other STDs from being transmitted).

• well it sound like you did the right thing.

• This never happened.

• r67, he did break it off.

• Based on your post at R67, eIther you're a poor attempt at a troll or you're both colossal idiots.

• Monogamy? Isn't that some old Diana Ross movie?

  typical%20gay%20man

• First of all, OP, don't listen to the people here who are showing so little understanding for you. Most of them have probably never been in a relationship. Others are simply expecting you to conform to who they are. You are who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. But what is difficult is your situation. You and your partner have different expectations about sex. You can either take the risk of losing your partner by being honest that you want sex with other people, or you can continue to live a lie, deceive your partner, and feel like crap. Or you can force yourself to change and be strictly monogamous which is not what you want. Neither of these are good choices, of course. And while, rationally, the first choice is the "best". That's easier said that done as you love your partner and don't want to end the relationship. So there really is no answer. But the fact that you are asking the question is a good sign. You are being honest with yourself and coping with the question. Wish I had something wiser to tell you. But I don't.

• There is only one upstanding thing you can do: Leave your partner. Be single. Enjoy all the sex you want. Ultimately find someone into an open relationship. When your partner finds out, which he will, the betrayal will destroy him. Especially given your mutual friends know and he doesn't. You're a pretty awful person. Not because you enjoy sex, three ways, and multiple partners. But because you're betraying and deeply hurting someone who loves you and trusts you.

• OP, you're still a tramp.

• Here is my question: When you are in the act of cheating, does your partner enter your mind at all? If so how do you continue to suck dick and fuck with out quilt?

• OP said he feels guilty about it, until he is doing it. Sex addict/compulsion (I don't know too many people who would wait for their partner to come home to break up while watching and thanking God for Cam4.)? Maybe your just going through the typical and healthy "exploring your sexuality" (i.e being a whore.)Most of us do that but as others said, then don't be in a relationship. But from the little you tell here it doesnt seem that you are that well adjusted sexually. Three years is a short time to be bored with a partner, why are you in a relationship built on bullshit, especially since you knew you liked to whore around before, etc. Your statment that the two of you are "Both too hot to sit around and hold hands," or something or another might indicate you use sex for self worth, etc. Blah,blah,blah just break up, and take stock of your life and decide if you are screwing around cause you like or if you NEED it.

• OP is Brandon, a shit-stirring little bit of nothing. Ignore.

• I totally understand, I am In a 15 yr relationship. We are very happy, we support and care for each other and yes we still have sex...however we are who we are as a result is our experiences. Being older 50's my experiences in my youth were about hooks ups and hot sex as this is the only way society would allow me to co- exist. It was not accepted, it had to be hidden. I think as a result we can remove the emotional aspect of sex leaving and enjoying the physical aspect. His is what other do not understand. If it is you in your situation, no one can justify only you.just be safe remember someone else in impacted by your actions. I am struggling with the same issue. Good luck

• You stated the real problem in your 2nd sentence, OP. "I feel like shit except when I'm getting laid..." Well of course you're going to pursue sex all the time if you hate yourself/your life at all other times. But the whole narrative about being a gay man and this is merely *what we do* is a bullshit justification. Try to make peace with yourself, sweetie. There's some pain you need to heal. Trying to ignore it by pursuing a parade of orifices will get really old in 10 more years. And good on you for breaking it off. That was the right thing to do.

• Since this has resurfaced here's an update: my ex freaked out and gave me the beating I'm sure many of you thought I deserve. So, Happy Thanksgiving.

  OP

• OP, what happened since r66? Seems like contradictory responses.

• I don't know why. I guess all the emotion and a few days to let it simmer. He's always had a temper but he never hit me before. I guess we were not meant to be after all. Whatever the issues on my side obviously you can't stay with somebody who's got the capacity to beat on you. I guess I deserve it. I'm a whore. Whatever.

• OP, don't be so hard on yourself. It was clear that neither you nor your ex were particularly happy in your relationship. It's best you two just move on...although it's concerning that he'd beat you up for no valid reason.

• Well, I think he did have a valid reason. I brought it on myself with how I was living my life/our life and then I told him the truth, I disappointed him and he reacted the way he reacted. If I had done things differently or was a different kind of guy it wouldn't have turned out like this. Something in me said I should add to the thread though so the haters could have another kick too. Happy, bitches? Shiner, cracked rib, a lot of bruises. Hope it's a good Thanksgiving for you.

  OP

• OP, what did you say or do to provoke your ex? You've been broken up for weeks now, so it's not like his world was suddenly turned upside down. And how old are you anyway? Clearly not old enough to know that you could've pressed charges against your ex for assault.

• What do you mean by he gave you a beating?

• Um, we broke up Nov. 11, R86. That's eleven days. He went at me on the 15th. 'm not going to press charges. Shit happens when you break up. We both work in the same place, but different shifts typically. This is shit enough without turning it into work gossip. R87, it was just a breaking up thing that escalated. He's bigger than me and he got me cornered basically.

• OP, you have to admit, this is quite a turn of events. He was supposed to be Mr. Monogamy. Now you find out he's been seeing someone, too, and he beat you up. Talk about a double wrong. Did it bother you to be lied to? Were you surprised at what he's been doing? Apparently, neither of you were in the relationship you thought you were in. Was he more upset by the cheating or the lying or that you were breaking up with him? Honestly, no one in his or her right mind could wish you physical harm. You seemed to be showing bad judgment and people were trying to get you to snap out of it. But your judgment may have been better than you realized. It was time to move on from this mess.

• R89, he made that part up on the spur of the moment he told me, to save face. Now he says he didn't cheat. I don't have a point of view on anything in terms of judging. He's a complicated guy with an intense temper. Always knew that. I knew he could get difficult. I never thought I was at risk, but when I look at all I've done, he was kind of drunk and I can see why he lost it and I guess I had it coming. I'm a whore. I know that and lots of people here pointed it out. Whores are less worthy than everybody else. I know that too. It's ironic tho - now I wouldn't be cheating and it will take at least six weeks for the ribs to heal. It's hard to roll over in bed, let alone get gymnastic. Anyhow, it's a better Thanksgiving than I thought: OXY!

  OP

• Are you off work?

• I think you are an asshole for cheating.

• I have been off work since it happened. I go back Saturday.

  OP

• How will you explain your absence? Are you really fit to go back to go back to work if your ribs are healing?

• yeah, you just move slow. I can do what I do. I just told them I got knocked off my bike.

  OP

• Fine with fucking around, you should live your life how you want and enjoy it. Your ex should be arrested for beating you. However, first you deceived your partner, then you deceived by pretending guilt when you were on cam4, then you deceived by not reporting getting beaten, and now you intend to deceive your employer. Getting old can be shit, but living a life of deceit is worse. I doubt it's too late to report your ex-you really should. After that you should get some therapy.

• OP has several posts here at DL that pretty much contradict everything on this thread. He lies. Every Single Time.

• OP is in his mid-30s and he does shift work...loser.

• Who was the bottom?

• I'd wager the bottom was the one who got his ass kicked.

• I'd wager none of this shit actually happened.

• This is all 💩💩💩💩💩💩❗

• " I'm a whore. I know that and lots of people here pointed it out. Whores are less worthy than everybody else." You cared more about fucking strangers than you cared about him. That's why he hit you.

• This. Never. Happened.

• Ugh you guys. The only thing wrong with OP is not that he's lying or cheating. It's that he feels like shit. That is his problem. If he felt great and his partner didn't know, there would be nothing wrong with this situation. Everyone would be happy. But the problem is that you feel like shit, OP. You owe it to YOURSELF to get out of this relationship.

• R105 is a moron.

• Cheating whoring bottoms deserve a beating and then some.

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