Is fifty the death knell for gay men?

Apparently it was for this author.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/01/fashion/the-life-and-death-of-the-therapist-bob-bergeron.html?pagewanted=all


Logan
• Is it me or was that article remarkably snarky? Anyhow, I guess he believed his own hype for a while and realized it was crap. Poor clueless fellow.

• This guy had a thread all about this several months ago. It was talked about ad nauseum. WHY oh why do some topics get re-cycled so much on the DL? I guess people just don't log on with regularity or really read this stuff? Or there are new readers? Anyway, yes, dude was a mess. Represented the worst of gay men, did not believe any of the stuff he spouted. Superficial, based his entire existence on his LOOKS and had, apparently, no internal life other than trying to get laid and basing his SELF WORTH on how many men he could get to fuck him OR that he perceived wanted to fuck him. Tragic and shockingly vapid. Again, this guy's death sprouted a long thread (now gone) about the meaning of life, seriously, and how gay men perceive themselves. This guy has/had a website where he made videos about how to "live" that are hilarious and sad and appalling and ripe for lampooning. Which everyone did. His death did not pass without any meaning or significance. This guy is a classic example of DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. In other words, have some freakin' depth of character and find self worth beyond what the toxic, vapid gay subculture advises you to. Everything this guy said made readers' eyes roll violently.

• There was a thread on this article when it was first published. Not sure you're dredging it up now, OP, but you're using it to occasion questions about turning 50, which I remember well, although it wasn't all THAT recent. I am a gay man. Given that my kids were born after I turned 50, I can assure you that life did not stop for me. I was also treated for cancer and am now healthy. Life does go on. (I mention that in part to defend against those who might attack me for selfishly having kids when I was what they imagine to be an old man. Who's going to attack a cancer survivor? I had the kids only after it was determined that my prognosis was terrific.) I will confess that this week I had the bittersweet experience of being asked how I could possibly have such grown up grandchildren when I am so young. (My kids are under eight.) There are some kinds of lives that can't continue as they were after 50. A twink who values only his youthful appearance will have to develop some other life and/or coping skills or he's doomed by 50. Or even 40, unless he's really good at deluding himself. On the other hand, perhaps he can find some octogenarians who think he's adorable at 52. It does strike me that any gay man who asks whether fifty is the death knell for himself or his contemporaries probably does have a lot of work to do before he gets there, or he might be in serious trouble.

• The book is not available at Amazon.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DLgwY5lWD8Ok

• omg...he was crazy

  http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DdWVdy228iPQ

• I knew a number of gay men in the 80s and 90s who would have welcomed fifty eagerly--instead of the other death knell that range too early. I have a friend turning fifty on Monday--who did not think he would live to see forty. I'm sure he is hardly in despair.

• I remember that thread, 'A piece of work' was coined to describe this guy. The shitty videos he made left me embarrassed to be watching them, even in the privacy of my home. [quote]There are some kinds of lives that can't continue as they were after 50 That's a great quote, one I will steal and repeat. [quote]I knew a number of gay men in the 80s and 90s who would have welcomed fifty eagerly Me too. It's shameful that this idiot would throw away the gift of his life when so many of our generation didn't make it. I'm forty-nine, and the writing is obviously on the wall regarding attractiveness, and I'm not happy about it. I'd gladly take back my twenty-five-year-old face and body, although not my twenty-five-year-old mind! That's the reward of age, wisdom, balance and maturity. All available if you're paying attention. If your'e not, well, this guy shows exactly what to expect. But I just can't feel sorry for him. As was said, there were too many others our age who didn't get to have what we have: life! And there are so many other things to enjoy. Now excuse me, I've got to get back to my video game!

• The original thread hit 600+ responses. It really resonated with DL.

• He had crazy eyes and juvenile hair.

• The bottom line for some deep seated narcissists is simple. They kill themselves. It is a pity his message got confused with this.

• Part of his reason for suicide seems to be that he spent so much time and effort in writing the book and then when it was ready to be published the book was already out of date - so all of his time and effort with the book was fruitless. Seems he could not face the loss of the book. Just one reason, in addition to loneliness.

• Let's keep it real, fellas. Look down on Bob all you want (and may he find peace), but you know damn well that there are and ALWAYS will be tons of guys like Bob who have much more MONEY, living it up and won't give a fuck about what anyone thinks of their fast style. It's all about money, money, money. The good-time ride won't keep going by your looks alone, you know. Get RICH or die trying, fellas!

  The%20Mike%20Jeffries%20%26%20Tom%20Bianchi%20School

• [quote], transforming him from a geeky boy into a self-confident young man who looked like something out of a Herb Ritts photo shoot. Oh, that's a bit generous! I'm sad that the guy's dead, but I still want to smack him. He NEVER had a foundation to his identity, obviously. Never. He was convinced that his looks were a lot more spectacular than they were. NYC is full of really beautiful people.

• I just turned 50. And although I was pretty freaked out by it, I'm doing OK. I've spent my entire life "having a life." A life that was full of friendships, all kinds of hobbies, and a few travels. I wish I was 25 again, but overall 50 is begining to suit me. It's not bad, but I've never been one to base my life around how much sex I could have or who found me attractive. My advice to younger guys: grow yourself. Don't focus only on the parties, drinking, twinks, and looks (although some of that is great!). But look deeper into who you are, meet all kinds of people, and take up hobbies/pastimes that expand your mind. You'll be better adjusted when the looks leave you, and you'll have more to offer a man the same age or younger.

• Logan, if you don't stop posting lame threads, you'll not make it to 50.

• R12, what are you trying to say? I don't get it.

• [quote] BOB BERGERON was so relentlessly cheery that people sometimes found it off-putting. If you ran into him at the David Barton Gym on West 23rd Street, where he worked out nearly ever morning at 7, and you complained about the rain, he would smile and say you’d be better off focusing on a problem you could fix. I wouldn't call that cheery. Sounds annoying. Cheery would be responding with something happy, not hectoring you about your mindset.

• He used to go to my gym, and I would see him every morning. I remember him talking about his book and he would give lectures at the Gay Men's center about aging. It was really crazy to see he had killed himself. But he offed himself around the same time two other guys in my neighborhood did as well that DL took note of. One was this hot Israeli porn actor/personal trainer who I used to see all the time. These guys all killed themselves within weeks of each other.

• Maybe it wasn't a suicide.

• R16, Bob killed himself because he was not living within his means. You MUST be rich (or something close to it) if you want to continue living large or fast-style (chasing dicks and drugs etc) after you turn 50. Bob was never rich, but died trying to live the kind of life that required him to be RICH. For better or worse, Bob will never be alone in this quest. Some succeed fantastically like Mike Jeffries and Tom Bianchi. Some fail miserably and end up like Bob or sober and bitter forever. Hope that helps, R16.

  The%20Mike%20Jeffries%20%26%20Tom%20Bianchi%20School

• Oh, I'd be hard pressed to call Tom Bianchi's existence a fantastic success.

• Why is that, R21?

  The%20Mike%20Jeffries%20%26%20Tom%20Bianchi%20School

• There is *so* much tragic ghetto in this thread, it's amazing. Narcissistic, shallow queens wringing their hands that life is over after your 40s. What a fucking joke. I guess writer Larry McMurty was right: "life isn't for sissies"

• A gay man's shelf life is around 34. After that, he's old news. There are young twinks to take his place. So, yes 50 is the death knell for gay men. A gay man should find a partner by 30 or else face life alone and empty. I think woman's shelf life is around 28 according to a recent DL thread.

• Because beauty really isn't skin deep. What he sells and clings too seems quite ugly to me.

  R21

• Who is Mike Jeffries?

• The highly respected CEO of Abercrombie and Felch.

• R21/R25, we are talking about the kind of life that is almost strictly devoted to pleasure and hedonism as far as the likes of Bob, Tom Bianchi, and Mike Jeffries are concerned. Your sentiment would be appropriate regarding life in general, but we respectfully disagree that it holds any place in this specific case. Regardless of naysayers, people like Bob will always exist. Call it a pursuit of pleasure if you will. Some succeed, some don't. If it's the latter, some choose the quick exit like Bob did; some move on (who usually divide into 2 camps: sober and happy or sober and bitter).

  The%20Mike%20Jeffries%20%26%20Tom%20Bianchi%20School

• quote[ Narcissistic, shallow queens wringing their hands that life is over after your 40s You have remarkably selective reading comprehension since most people on this thread aren't saying that at all. [quote]He used to go to my gym, and I would see him every morning. .. he offed himself around the same time two other guys in my neighborhood did as well that DL took note of Who was the other one? I wonder how many other David Barton 23rd Street members post on DL. At least two.

• sorry R29, the third guy didn't off himself. He was just tied up to his bed in his apartment, robbed and killed in my old apartment building on 22nd and 7th. BTW, I am the guy who always posts about Anderson Cooper ad DB Gym as well. Started a thread once about seeing his pale ass when he was changing.

• So both gay men and women need to be married around 30, huh. What about straight guys? What's their shelf life?

• Straight men don't have a shelf life.

• [quote]The highly respected CEO of Abercrombie and Felch. LOL. I agree that after 50 one needs a shitload of money to live well if you live in a major city. Unfortunately, that's the paradigm. So if you haven't invested well by then, short of a miracle (and where there's life there's hope) you're pretty well screwed. There is an escape clause however. That is: if you're non-materialistic. I've known bohemian types to absolutely happily live in what others would call low levels of material existence.

• I think men in their fifties (and older) are HOT HOT HOT! 'Nuf said!