Great Lines From TV

We've done this a million times before, but there are millions of more threads on DL than there are things to talk about. I just cut the dickens out of my finger! Do you pop out at parties? My daughter, Bess, wants to marry a boy named Bill whose parents are midgets. ("Shes going to have a tough time finding someone like that.") Thank you, Rhatt. I saw it in the window and had to have it.

• "Say, your name ain't Kinsey, is it?"

• Mary, do you know what happens to Veal Prince Orloff if you leave him in the oven too long? He DIES, Mary!

• As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly!

• "Hey, SLUT! I'm writing your mother a letter telling her you're a WHORE!"

• "A little song. A little dance. A little seltzer down your pants!"

• A can of MM-MM ... in heavy syrup ...

• "Rex cries when he ejaculates."

  Bree VandeKamp, Passing the Peas at a Dinner Party

• "Fuck you, you car-wash cunt!"

• "I'm going to pull apart time for you." -- Amy to Rory, "Doctor Who"

• "...and then came the Mongoloid!"

• "Which one of you bitches is my mother?"

• I'll have you EJECTED into SPACE!!!

• Kroika!

• "Don't call her 'Mom.' You may call her 'Bev,' or 'Sea Hag.' "

• Being gay is WRONG.

• "No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen."

• Lucy, I'm Home.....

• "I condole you." "Quite big tits." "You mean the night you shook me awake and said: By the way Sweetie, people have it off!" "Brick and Brack and Knick and Knack and THINGS!" "Bloody asthmatic cab driver."

• Dallas Sue Ellen: Tell me J.R. which slut are you going to be sleeping with tonight? J.R.: Why should it matter. Anyone would be better than the slut I'm looking at right now.

• She's fine! She sends her love.

• "I also remember, every time I see that ghostly eye, that I was - and continue to be - a hell of a shot." "Constance: Now, likely I won't have the upper body strength to saw you in half the way you did my poor Travis, but I certainly could cut off the smaller parts!" [hands Moira a piece of the Harmons' silverware] "Do me a favor and polish this up before I take it, won't you? It's cruddy with corrosion, and do you know why? Because you *are* a shitty maid."

  Constance%20Langdon

• "I pushed you in pudding." "Just me and my ganja."

• "You started it!" "I did not. You invaded Poland!"

  Basil Fawlty to the Germans

• Blanche (entering the kitchen): "I'm a cheap tawdry slut." Rose (not having seen Blanche enter the room): "I think I know. Is it Blanche?"

• "How do you like that Mr. "Would be speaking German if not for us'!"

• Have you seen Kitty Carryall?

  Cindy%20Brady

• Thrice? Thrice??? Thrice is a word! So is intra-uterine, Rose....it does NOT belong in a song!

• blow it out your Tubenburbles!

• Why you dirty little country western singing star!

• Blackman....Blackman...where did you come from?

  Bernice%20Clifton

• "This gefilte fish is from a jar! I hate that!"-Ladonna,at Buffy's bat mitzvah, SQUARE PEGS

• Getting drunk and passing out? On St. Patrick's Day? Is nothing sacred?

  Jack%20Donaghy

• Al trying to explain why he carries the child's picture that came with the wallet Al: I had a choice between a little boy and a little girl and I chose a little girl. She's symbolic. Kelly: She's Chinese! Al: That's what I was hoping you'd be.

• The quickest way to get a woman into your bed is through her parents. Have sex with them, and you're in.

  Captain%20Zapp%20Brannigan

• "MR. FLADBEAU! THIS IS SUZANNE SUGARBAKER! REGGIE MAC IS TAKIN' HIS BREAK NOW. THANKYEW!"

• "My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando... I'm afraid it'll get infected."

  Jerri%20Blank

• Brad: "You know, looking at someones search history isn’t always a reliable indicator of their web habits. I mean, small typo in the word canal and you’re in a whole different family of sites." Jen: "I know, the same thing happened to me when I searched for a pair of black Crocs."

• Oh my God! She's fashion roadkill!

  Stanford%20Blatch

• "Hello, I'm Rhoda Morgenstern. I'm another person in the room."

• Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie....come in Tillie.....

  Madame%20Ethel%20Mertzola

• "OH, SHHHHH... -urely a strawberry swirl isn't supposed to look like that!"

  Sue%20Ann

• "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly".

• MOTHER STEVENS: "Tell me, don't you think Endora is a trifle too old to be wearing so much makeup?" SERENA: "She'll only admit to three hundred!" MOTHER STEVENS: "I suppose I deserved that."

• r42, meet r3.

• "What do you mean, I don't ever do anything for you? You made me go to that Olivia Newton-John concert... and girl, I HATE that chick!" --LaDonna to Jennifer DiNuccio

• So how many cameras were on you? Just about any line from Karen Walker.

• Michael: Get rid of the Seaward. Lucille: [stunned] I'll leave when I'm good and ready. -- "Arrested Development"

• Mexicunt.

• Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me! Michael Bluth: You can't just comb that out and reset it?

• I WAS IN THE POOL!

  George%20Costanza

• Kenneth: "I feel as useless as a mom's college degree."

• Greeks are just Jews without money.

  Jerri%20Blank

• "Oh it's a tiara..a tiara...I have a tiara..put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me..." "You look beautiful." "Of course I do, I'm a princess and this is my tiara!"

• "Karen Walker? Pamela Hayden Smythe. Prudence and Taylor's mother." "I don't know what any of those words mean."

• Esther: WHO YOU CALLIN' UGLY, SUCKA? Fred: I'm callin' [italic]you[/italic] ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies!

• Oh, I don't drive. I keep taking the test over and over again, but I'm all, [italic]This is hard![/italic]

• Who is Jerri Blank? I never realized there was an actual Veal Prince Orloff.

  http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Veal-Prince-Orloff-108502

• Well, well, well, Karen Walker ... I [italic]thought[/italic] I smelled gin and regret.

• What is this Week End???

• Billy: How do you know you're good in bed? Fish: Because I'm always satisfied.

• Well, I do declare, your sweet words could charm the morning dew of a honeysuckle...

• I've got Indian underwear. It's creeping up my trail

  Jerri%20Blank%20%28again%29

• Hi, I'm Larry and this is my brother Darryl. And this us my other brother Darryl.

• I was lying in bed last night and I couldn't sleep, and I came up with an idea. So I went right home and wrote it down!

  Sue%20Ann%20Nivens

• I don't know why I should even bother to eat this. I should just apply it directly to my hips.

  Rhoda%20Morgenstern

• You dragged me down to this God-forsaken place to tell me my kids made the Honor Roll? Honey, my time is precious, call me when one of them gives birth at the prom!

  Karen%20Walker%2C%20to%20the%20principal%20at%20%22The%20Fat%20One%27s%22%20scho

• No one in the world would believe you're straight. You're as gay as a clutchpurse on Tony night. You fell outta the gay tree, hitting every gay branch on the way down. And ya landed on a gay guy... and ya did 'im. No, no, honey, your gayness can be seen from space.

• What show is that R67? That's pretty funny.

• "We came as soon as we felt like it." -Jerri Blank's stepmother, summoned to Principal Blackman's office

• r67's quote is Karen to Jack on Will & Grace.

• "Good Times: The Gang: Part 1 (#2.9)" (1974) [italic]Mad Dog: What's your name, sweet thing? Thelma: My name is Thelma. Mad Dog: THELMA? Where did you get a name like that from? Thelma: When I was born my mother took one look at me and called me Thelma. Just like when you were born your mother took one look at you and called you MAD DOG! [/italic] I guess you would have to watch it, but it still cracks me up.

• Which lever do I pull to be crushed by a safe?

  Anastasia%20Beaverhausen

• Karen Walker to stranger in an Outlet Store: "Honey, can you get me a latte?" "I don't work here." "That's not what I asked you."

• Willow, nice dress. Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

• "It's not marching you're dancing, not invading Poland."

  I think I laughed for ten minutes.

• Because, Mary Jo, I love knowledge. As a matter of fact, I yearn for it.

• No Mare, cottage cheese solves nothing; chocolate can do it all!

  Rhoda

• Not a Great Line From TV, but this thread made me realize I wish I had friends like Rhoda Morgenstern & Karen Walker. Even Jerri Blank & Edina Monsoon would be a hoot to hang out with sometimes!

• "Close your legs to married men, HOOKER." "My love tank is empty." "PROSTITUTION WHORE!" "Satchels of gold." "Big hands, big feet, big disappointment."

  Countess%20NeNe%20Vanderpump

• "Oh no Maria, you are muy attractivousmante."

  Laura%20Petrie

• "Because Mary-Jo, men do not ask out women carrying around a 10-pound sack of dog food and a big box of Kotex".

• I'd like to say a few things about my niece Phyllis. First of all, she covers all her furniture in plastic. And she won't let you use the soap or towels in her bathroom—there's just a big old bar of Ivory under the sink, and you have to wipe your hands on your pants. And every time we go to McDonald's, she wants to know what the fish is like, and I always have to say, "It's [italic]square fish,[/italic] Phyllis, okay?"

• "Health and beauty is my department!" ENLIGHTENED

• Sue Ellen: That's not the way I see it. JR: that's because you're looking at the world through the bottom of a glass.

• "Can I just say... You can never have too many hats, gloves, and shoes... Cheers, thanks a lot."

• [Paraphrasing] Alexis: Krystal, I want you out of here at once and take your plastic suitcases with you!

• Oy with the poodles!

  Lorelai%20Gilmore

• "You're a slut! You're a rotten sow of a pig-bellied slut!"

  Rebecca%20Howe

• "They cut out the money shots, but you can still see plenty of pink"

  Jerri%20Blank

• "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

  June%20

• (Paraphrasing--at the Ewing family cocktail hour:) SUE ELLEN: "Well Lucy, I hear another of your relationships has fallen apart yet again." LUCY: "We can't all have your great taste in men, Sue Ellen."

• "Marilee, if you don't hurry, someone else is gonna get your street corner."

  JR%20Ewing

• Krystle: (to Alexis, in her office) "I love your desk. The tusks, they're so you."

• Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms. Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

• [quote]"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" OMG! I almost spit out my coffee! Did she ever really say that?

  Wally%27s%20make-believe%20lover

• The homosexuals are always so dramatic and flamboyant. It makes me want to set myself on fire.

  L.%20Bluth

• This is not war, this is pest control! Are you my mummy? And when you go back to the stars and tell others of this planet, when you tell them of its riches, its people, its potential, when you talk of the Earth, then make sure that you tell them this...it is defended!

  River%20Song

• Mihn, it finally happened. Hillbilly neighbor marry trailer trash cousin. You owe me five dollars!

  HRH

• Don't you know that models are some of the happiest people ON EARTH?!?

  LuAnn%20Platter

• What the FUCK are you doing?

  http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DnYAMDhVT50I

  Sue%20Simmons

• Good lord, I can't believe I'm at a public pool. Why doesn't someone just pee directly on me?!

• CHANDLER I'm glad we're going to be having all the sex. PHEBE Good, I'm very bendy.

• Honey, she's wearing synthetic plaid. She's a four day ride and a boat trip from a place called hope.

• That terminator stuff doesn't work on them, Julia. You gotta fight sugar WITH sugar!

• Shrimp?

  Dorothy Z.

• Mr. Carlson: Who was that? Jennifer: Dat was da laundryman.

• Joe Walsh to Drew Carey on the Drew Carey show, talking about Mimi: Thank God! I though I was the only one that could see her!

• Phyllis: Lars only married me because he couldn't get her. I was his second choice—his consolation prize. He wanted Miss America; he had to settle for Miss Runner-Up. He wanted filet mignon; he had to settle for ... Audrey: Hamburger Helper?

• Future Amy: All those boys chasing me, but it was only ever Rory. Why was that? Amy: You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful. Both: Rory's the most beautiful man I've ever met. Amy: Please. Do it for him. Future Amy: Ah, you. You're asking me to defy destiny, causality, the nexus of time itself, for a boy. Amy: You're Amy. He's Rory. And oh yes, I am.

  %22Doctor%20Who%2C%20The%20Girl%20Who%20Waited%22

• Krystle (to Alexis at the airport): Alexis, I hope you have a nice flight. Are you taking a plane?

• Oh, really? Well, [italic]I[/italic] don't appreciate you leavin' your big ol' box'a June Allyson Bladder Pads on [italic]my[/italic] nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! No wonder you don't care if you ever get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

• Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!!

• Ted took me to a fancy restaurant. I was so nervous I almost dropped my tray.

• Mother Jefferson George's father never had an upset stomach in all the years we were married. Louise No, all you gave him was a pain in the neck and you're giving me a pain somewhere else.

• "It's a long story...and I come off badly in it."

  Roseanne%20Conner

• BLANCHE: You know what I hate doin' most at the end of a party? ROSE: Trying to find your underwear in the bottom of the big pile?

• "Amy's right. I [bold]do[/bold] want to fling my poop at her."

• Jill Bennett murdered herself....

  Karen Cooper Fairgate MacKenzie

• Leo: "And now we're back to Grace." Will: "I don't think we ever left."

• Fran: Do we have any old nipples? CC: Hello-hello!

• BETTY PLEASE!

• Tom Arnold: "Are you a lesbian?" Sue Simmons: "Yes."

• "Hello, sweetie."

• CC: Hey kids, you know what makes me feel better when I'm depressed? Fran: A fifth of scotch & a fresh pack of batteries?

  The%20Nanny

• Scotty - How did you get so cute? Kevin - I was born this way, what's your excuse?!

• Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?

• Hi, I'm Katy Grin! And these are carpets! Come down now to Carpet Madness. It's carpets! It's madness! At Carpet Madness! Just carpets! It's madness, madness now!!!

  Sale%20starts%20Friday.

• Homeless Person (to Karen): Excuse me, you must get this all the time. Are you Mary Todd Lincoln? Karen (without missing a beat): No. And you must get this all the time: Can you take a giant step back. At Will's father's funeral: Tina (the mistress): When someone dies, no one ever asks how the mistress is doing. Karen: Tell me about it. Not one person came up to me at Reagan's funeral.

  Karen%20Walker%2C%20best%20TV%20character%20ever

• Jack: How come Grace gets to go on her honeymoon in the Caribbean and I don't? It's not fair. Karen: Trust me Poodle, you don't won't go. Two Jews on the beach? It's gonna be ten days of the searching for the highest SPF at the lowest price.

  The%20Karen%20Walker%20Troll

• Roseanne's mother sees the table has not been set for Thanksgiving dinner and asks her where the good china is - ROSEANNE: Over at your house unti lthe reading of the will.

• Kelly: I was raped! Michael: You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away Kelly, not again. Don't keep doing that.

  Phyllis%20Lapin-Vance

• Karen offers Grace some of her "party mix" made of uppers, downers, and candy corn. "Here, honey, have some party mix. It'll make you feel better. Or worse. That's what I love about party mix: you never know!"

  Rosario

• I bet your mother had a loud bark.

  Joe%20Friday

• Mr. Sheffield- Miss Fine, what happened to the ancient document on my desk! Fran- Chita Rivera's resume?

• I'm so sick of Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name!

  Pam

• If these models get any younger they'll be chucking fetuses down the runway.

• "You still have your powers, and you always will. Whether you're 30, or 50, or a hundred. You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake!"

• CC: This isn't a typical night. Niles: Yes ... you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager and watching [italic]Sisters.[/italic]

• My people are Nordic.

• She was so anally retentive, she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

• Funny line R140. What's is that from?

• "It looks like something Elton John would drive through The Everglades."

  Penny%20on%20Big%20Bang%20Theory

• Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

• r143, reading that was almost as painful as watching it on the screen.

• Don Draper: Let me ask you something, what do woman want? Roger Sterling: Who cares?

• "Don't encourage me. You'll only discourage me."

• I am NOT doing that again.

  Jackie

• Nobody loves me.

  Jackie

• Steven: She has a lot of nice qualities. Fallon: So does a Cocker Spaniel, but I wouldn't want my father to marry one.

• I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this. My dog knows you're gay. Stan had to take his kids to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute it'll come to me... "Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Cathy!" Cathy. Ow, my nose! Grace: Hmmm. Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. Karen: How could she not know? What is she, headless? Santa Maria, it has a mother! Take it easy, Martin Score-sissy. Listen, Maria. I've been on this shift since, what time is it now, uh--1947? My back aches, my feet hurt and the only thing holding up my boobs is hope. So you'll enjoy your beer.

• Barbara Rush to Morgan Fairchild on "Flamingo Road:" "Constance, if I could remember my lines, I would say them to you."

  Akbar

• "Health and beauty is my department" ENLIGHTENED

• "You can't even DIE right!"

  Tracy%20Q%20to%20nephew%20AJ%20

• Niles your glockenspiel has just sprung to life!

• I'm Rhoda Morgenstern and this is my date Mr. and Mrs. Armand Linton." Here we come on the run With a burger on a bun And a dab of coleslaw on the side, Oh your taste we will tickle With a great dill pickle And all of our potatoes are french fried, fried, fried, Our burgers can't be beat, 'Cause we grind our own meat, Grind, grind, grind, grind, grind "Rachel, no, you were not supposed to put peas in the trifle. It did not taste good."

• And, Phoebe, I believe Jacques Cousteau is dead!

• Stale pastry is hollow succor, to a man bereft of ostrich.

  Sheldon Cooper

• Carrie: He's a food critic and very intelligent. Candace Bergen's character: He's a HOBBIT.

• In what, Blanche? Dog years?

• "Yore a poka playa!" Joan Rivers to Annie Duke.

  Missy%20

• "I just LOVE sugar beets!"

  Lovey%20Howell

• "No, I do not, Mary Jo. I know the Twilight Zone and the handicapped zone, but I do NOT know the erogenous zone, ok?!"

  https://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DmNkHRxG5f_I

  Suzanne%20Sugarbaker

• "Endora, buttons are out." "Zippers are in."

  Serena

• CONNIE: What's this camper's name? ANTHONY: (in a high-pitched voice) Cindy. CONNIE: Cindy what? ANTHONY: Cindy Birdsong. CONNIE: Birdsong - I don't remember that name. (to other leader) Check your list. ANTHONY: I was late. I got on the bus at the last minute. CONNIE: Who let you on? ANTHONY: I don't know. Some white girl. CONNIE: Where's your application? ANTHONY: I turned it in. CONNIE: To who? ANTHONY: Some white girl.