Today I had lunch with an old boyfriend. Seeing him kind of got me down. One of the first things he told me was that he was a volunteer for an ex-gay ministry. He is Catholic, and he has an extreme amount of "Catholic guilt" about being gay. So he has undergone a lot of "Pray the Gay Away" ex-gay therapy and has damaged himself beyond repair. He is emotionally castrated now and has no meaningful relationships with either gender.
Sad in Dallas
I have a slightly similar situation. No old boyfriend or anything but a casual friend from school. His parents are jewish. Very strict in their religion. He has stood up to them in the past but he weakend over time. He doesn't seem "emotionally castrated" like your ex but he is living a lie.
That's disgusting OP. Ask him to reads Romans 13:10 and ask how can he justify his anti-Bible lifestyle. Tell him the Bible is not antigay and he only thinks it is because he hasn't really read it.
Fuck that spineless shitbag, he's no different than any other homophobe.
Self hatred is the saddest thing in the world. There in no such thing as an ex gay BTW. That is like straightening your hair and automatically becoming an ex Black. It doesn't work that way. Be a friend to him & hopefully he will learn to love himself.
Don't all Catholics love young boys?
The webmaster started this thread.
[quote]My old boyfriend is now an ex-gay.
No he isn't
He's still gay. It's just that now he hates himself for it.
Sad, isn't it?
If it's one less sneering pretentious queen on Cedar Springs, I'm all for it.
He wasn't like that, R8.
I have a view of a restaurant from where I work now, and I've recently seen a guy I seriously dated about six years ago emerging from there with a woman about his age, every Friday. He's much heavier now, so that I didn't instantly recognized him, but now I'm certain (the woman is frowzy, not very pretty). His family is very Xtian and I bet they "got" to him finally.
That and he was such a jerk that no gay would tolerate him. He probably just gave up the gay thing. He never was very comfortable with it.
So what, OP. As long as your ex is willfully and knowingly choosing to live as he is, why would you be upset? People have a right to live in a manner consistent with their most sacred religious beliefs, and for many, that will include not pursuing sex outside of a heterosexual marriage. I have no problem with people who choose to live a certain way because of religion. The only problem I have is when people try to make personal religious beliefs into law or public policy. We are all accountable to God, so let him live according to what he believes God would have him do and be.
Thanks, R11, I feel better now.
[quote]We are all accountable to God
Speak for yourself. I most certainly am not.
You be turnin' em, guuuurl!
Does he still act gay?
Since humans invented it, "god" is pretty much accountable to us, R11.
He acts very emotionally guarded, R16.
My boyfriend of 2 years left me for another woman, who was my best friend. Talk about depressing! ☔
OP is upset, R11, because he sees someone living a lie. Something that has caused pain and death to many.
OP maybe you turned him ex-gay.....you sound like a sniveling queen.
Thank you, R20.
R11, His friend is living a lie and it could very possibly kill him. Not only that, but the friend is also working to harm others by volunteering at an ex-gay ministry. He has been pressured to exist within a lifestyle that will not allow him to have a meaningful relationship. That would make me upset, too.
R11=rightwing freeper shit eating cunt.
R11 is an example of stupidity at work. Some religions tell men to beat their wives and children. Some religions tell men to kill anyone who "dishonors" the family name. Most religions have involved bloody and evil human sacrifice at their core (hello? Jesus?).
The fact that the Bible is not antigay, and this loser believes some pig-ignorant priest with no education and a jones for making easy money off the stupid, does not reflect well on him. If you care about this guy, you'll confront his stupid beliefs. If you don't, well let it go. He is after all the master of his own stupidity.
But either way, you'll see cruising public bathrooms in five years' time.
R11, this guy works for a "pray out the gay" ministry. That right there you should have a problem with. That's hardly "Live and let live".
Plus I would bet this asshole is voting Rethug.
OP should have punched the gay right back into him.
You dodged a major bullet OP. Feel relieved.
Sorry, people, but this is still getting me down. This is the group he was de-gayed by and that he volunteers for.
You're a sad and pathetic man. You're a homosexual and you don't want to be, but there's nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you've go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough. If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you'll always be homosexual as well. Always ______, Always. Until the day you die.
'Ex-gay' is inaccurate. These people should be called 'self-neutered'.
Get him drunk and suck his dick. That will get him headed back in the right direction. Or, introduce him to the right priest. Or both.
Journey Into Manhood ... Is that a Falcon production or something from Bel Ami?
OP post a picture of your ex
R33, I couldn't do that to him.
Ex-gay = Back in the closet
I've still never gotten one of these "pray the gay away" fucks to EXPLAIN to me in real terms how accepting Jesus is going to make me stop craving penis and start salivating for vagina instead. Seriously--I want the details of how exactly that works!
OP how old is he?
R36, he is 33 or 34, I think.
Who cares, they make themselves suffer. Also don't use "ex-gay", that's their terminology. Maybe "pretend-straight".
"Pretend-straight". I like that, R38
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You all need to be spayed. All hormones and ferrel.
The guy is having a hard time, maybe a supportive community, or at least a group of friends, would ensure he doesn't become an "ex" anything.
Also, it is within the realm that all gays in club culture land(which I presume, he was from) have the emotional state of a 14 year old girl. Bitchy judgmental queens who look down at anyone who doesn't buy the right clothes or have a gym membership.
YOU ALL CAN EAT IT!
R41, Because having gay resource centers, PFLAG, an annual public parade in every major city, some out and proud celebrities, and gay neighborhoods isn't welcoming enough for a grown-ass man that has already admitted he is gay and had relationships?
And his "religious beliefs" lead him to drag others back into the misery of the closet?
Sorry, he sounds like a plain old coward to me.
R41 this went down in DALLAS. Whatever the failings of Dallas queens, they are in no way worse or even comparable to Dallas heteroids, the bleeding ass cysts of humanity.
By Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience Senior Writer
Published 05/23/2013 11:28 AM EDT on LiveScience
Between the faction of gay Christians who are happy with their sexual identity and "ex-gays," who say they've removed their homosexual yearnings, is a third group that gets little attention. These so-called Side B Christians identify as gay and believe it's not sinful to do so. But because they see acting on their orientation as ungodly, they commit to a life of celibacy.
Now, for the first time, a sociologist has taken an in-depth look at what makes Side Bs tick, particularly how they navigate their same-sex desires and their awkward position as stuck in the middle of ex-gay groups and content gay Christians. The study is small, but finds that Side Bs experience both tension and connection with these two groups. (The origins of the "Side B" term are foggy, but the terminology seems to come from the organization the Gay Christian Network, which labels gay Christians who do not see their sexuality as sinful as "Side A" and those who do as "Side B.")
"The networks overlap with these two groups very strongly, and they did often feel kind of caught in the middle, certainly," said study researcher S.J. Creek, a sociologist at Hollins University in Virginia. [5 Myths About Gay People, Debunked]
Christian and gay
The study of Side B Christians grew out of a larger research project by Creek looking into the lives of ex-gay Christians. This movement, which centers largely around the organization Exodus International, claims that same-sex desire can be stifled and that sexual orientation can be changed — hence the term "ex-gay." Numbers on ex-gay individuals are hard to come by, but Exodus International claims 3,000 people worldwide attend one of its ministry events each week.
In interviewing people who had sought help from ex-gay groups and then left, Creek found two distinct groups: Side As, who reconciled their sexuality with their religion and believe being gay and Christian is not contradictory; and Side Bs, who accept their orientation but commit to celibacy in order to remain in line with anti-homosexuality tenets.
"How each group thought about and acted on desire was different," Creek said.
For her new study, published May 13 in the journal Symbolic Interaction, Creek interviewed five Side B Christians about their emotions and interactions. Four of the interviewees were men and one was a woman; one of the men was married to a lesbian who also struggled with her desires.
Dealing with desire
The interviews revealed that desire was a complex problem for the Side Bs. "Allen," the 30-something man married to a lesbian, noted that he'd even had gay friends try to seduce him to test his limits. Such an experience is not uncommon among abstinent people, Creek wrote. [10 Milestones in Gay Rights History]
Admitting to same-sex desires is also a problem for Side Bs interacting with ex-gays, as the ex-gay philosophy holds that even homosexual desire is not OK. Creek's interviewees reported keeping their sexuality and their celibacy closeted in many cases.
"I tend to categorize myself as a gay, celibate Christian, but I am very hesitant using that [description] because in secular society, the word 'gay' means attracted to men, and in Evangelical Christian subculture, it means ‘sleeps with everybody ?ve days a week,’" said one interviewee, called "James" in the report. Dealing with the connotations of the term was often too much of a headache, James said, so he frequently kept the information to himself.
At other times, claiming a gay identity was a way to connect with other Christians, both gay and straight. "Erin," a celibate lesbian, told Creek she found a connection with married couples in her Orthodox Church who also tried to lead chaste lives. Allen told a story of a straight Christian retreat administrator who stood up for him, pointing out that Christian straight men and Christian gay men have similar struggles.
"Every day, Allen wakes up and looks around, and he sees guys he wants to have sex with — and he doesn't have sex with them because he's following Jesus," the male administrator said. "And every day, I wake up, and I see girls I want to have sex with — and I don’t have sex with them because I’m following Jesus. So, we’re both not getting any because we’re following Jesus."
The study can’t be generalized to Christian gays as a group, or even to celibate Christian gays, Creek said. Nor can it answer the burning question of who is happier: ex-gays, Side As or Side Bs.
"Ex-gays are always telling people why gays are deeply unhappy. And many gay activists are going to tell you why ex-gay activists are deeply unhappy," Creek said. "Every group seems to think the other group isn't quite as happy as they are."
However, the Side B Christians interviewed by Creek may place a different priority on their sexuality than outsiders might, Creek said.
"Their Christian identities are incredibly important to them, and they would be deeply unhappy if they felt they were compromising those identities," she said.
We can only help ourselves.
Perhaps if he saw how happy and comfortable and adjusted you are, OP, it might have more of an effect on him than anything else.
Live your life like you want to, and others MAY follow. If they don't, they don't.
Okay, so it is the hetero's fault and the fundies.
Their relentless criticism and cruelty drove him to the straight rehab. Not the group of guys on here who are calling him a "coward." 8-/
It doesn't help your points to call him that, now does it?
[quote]"Every day, Allen wakes up and looks around, and he sees guys he wants to have sex with — and he doesn't have sex with them because he's following Jesus," the male administrator said. "And every day, I wake up, and I see girls I want to have sex with — and I don’t have sex with them because I’m following Jesus. So, we’re both not getting any because we’re following Jesus."
When did I say you couldn't get any?
If it were me, I would calmly and politely tell him that, in my opinion, that you can try and run from yourself but he'll always track you down.
OP, be happy you're rid of him. Who wants to do deal with an emotional mess of a person like that?
You could just simply say, "I understand your plight. I have the desire to be a "good" person, but my definition has outgrown that perception that a person has to be a eunuch in order to qualify as one."
That person isn't just a one-dimensional figure, they have complex emotions and interests. Appeal to their nature or desire for being "good" and ask them redefine what it means.
Eh. Unless he's asking your permission to live this life, I wouldn't lose sleep over it.
I'll bet you didn't douche before he fucked you. See what you did!
Repent sinners, REPENT! and turn away from your sinful lifestyle or you will burn in the fires of hell for eternity!
They won't R53. Ex-gays are always users.
Relax OP, lots of people are just determined to be miserable by all the shitty choices they make. Be glad it isn't your life, and move on.
just wish him well. tolerance
WOW...this guy is a reformed homosexual preacher...
OP here. I found out that he founded his own group for men struggling with SGA (Same Gender Attraction). I don't plan on continuing our friendship, even at the minimal level it is at now.
The ex-gay community tends to be largely white and male and Christian. I dont think that's accidental.
I think a lot of these guys miss the social elitism that they, from a young age, understood they would have when they got older. When the gay community "fails them," they fall back on that safe place of privilege.
What he wants isn't a closer relationship with God, it's acceptance by a community he saw as dominant from a young age. And a clear, formulaic path to belonging, worth and admiration — without having to seek out and find them on his own.
I would guess he has a low self-esteem/no sense of self but also an high expectations for himself. I'm sorry, OP. I'd be sad if it were one of my exes, but by no means does this denigrate the relationship you both had or the feelings you had. Hugs.
Thank you R2!!!!!! I am giving this to my gf ASAP.
An ex of mine is marrying a woman in a few months. He still sometimes sexts me. The wife really is the last to know.
OP, truth is, you were such a lousy lay that you turned me.
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I have been feeling like the world is going crazy. Does anyone else feel this way?
[quote]He's still gay. It's just that now he hates himself for it.
"Ex-gay" is nothing but code for "gay person who hates themselves for it."
One of my first girlfriends, in the same range of butchness as your average NFL linebacker, got pregnant with a guy fling in grad school, married him because "it's the right thing to do," moved to nowheresville, TN, found Jesus and has had 4 more kids with him.
The lengths people will go to just to avoid saying "I'm gay" to themselves or others is truly incredible and speaks to how internalized homophobia is for so many people.