Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I've experienced everything life has to offer, and it's always a struggle. The good things are never good enough, they don't last long, and they're always outnumbered by the bad things.
I'm just...not interested. I'd like to leave, but there's no fool-proof way out that isn't painful. I don't know what I'll do. I'm seeing a therapist, but I haven't brought this up because I don't seem to feel quite this way all the time, and never during our sessions. But now I am. He even said in a recent session that "being happy" (which I mentioned as my goal) as not always being possible, but that it is possible to be less miserable. And I thought "What the hell is the point?"
I mean, people don't ask to be born. If I'd been given a preview before birth and been asked if I wanted to born, I honestly think I would've said "No thanks."
OP, do you have anything that's anchoring you right now? I have felt (and at times still do feel) similarly to you in the past, and like you am not interested in suicide for a variety of reasons. But I have pets, two cats, that anchor me and give me consistent enjoyment. The responsibility of taking care of them is very helpful to keep me engaged in life.
Kind of agree with you, OP. The only thing that really brings me pleasure in life is my pets. If it wasn't for the love & responsibility I feel for them, there would be absolutely no reason to stick around waiting to die.
That being said, suicide is not the answer. It affects your family & friends more than you could possibly realize. All you can do is hang in there. Good luck.
OP, doesn't the absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead make you want to keep living?
I have absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead for eternity and no consciousness.
I find some happiness in my garden - growing things.
I am there now.
Now, I am just waiting for death. I was very suicidal about a year ago. I bought two packs of Unisom; which is something I could have never brought myself to do before. So, I am inching my way to pull off suicide. I think I may end up doing it sooner or later. I am past feeling suicidal, so I am not sure which stage I am yet. It's not numb, it's like being diagnosed with terminal cancer and not getting treatment. You know your time is coming and I have accepted that.
I don't feel bad right now, but I usually do at night. Fir reason, these feelings are always bad at night.
[quote]It affects your family & friends more than you could possibly realize.
Not true. Suicide is the answer for some people. It is for me. I just am a coward. And, not everybody has family and friends. But, it's important to contact the authorities or 911 if you are going to succeed at suicide because you don't want your body to rot and stink. How embarrassing. In death, I will still be modest.
Didn't we just do this?
[quote]OP, do you have anything that's anchoring you right now?
Not really. I have a partner, but I think he's fed up with me. I've never been able to be the way other people expect me to be or do the things they expect me to do, and at this point, I doubt I ever will. I feel like somebody made a terrible mistake and I'm not meant to be here at all.
[quote]OP, doesn't the absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead make you want to keep living?
Not really. I figure it'll be like going to sleep, and I love to sleep.
I know, r6! Are these types of threads now a regular feature of Datalounge?
You could always go to Switzerland. You can legally kill yourself there with help (to make sure it works). I think about killing myself every single day thanks to a crippling health condition...but when I envision going to Switzerland and actually downing the little poison drink they give you, I just don't think I could do it. I don't have the balls to do something so final. I can always think of ONE MORE thing I want to do before I die (and they're little things, like pig out on Moose Tracks). Anyone who says suicide is the easy way out has NOT dealt with such a decision before. There's nothing easy about it.
OP I can honestly relate to how you feel. Much of my frustration stems from the way we treat each other - whether it be making fun of, oppressing, taking advantage of, inconsideration, etc.
I agree with your therapist that it's not always possible to be happy. However, I'm learning through meditation that being content is really the goal for me; living in the moment rather than dwelling in the past or on the future. I think this also involves finding something that you love to do regardless of how obscure or odd you may think it sounds; don't judge it. I think that's one way to remind yourself of what is important to you. Sometimes I think we limit our true selves because we're too concerned with what other people think or how we'll be perceived; if that makes any sense.
Perfect sense, R11!
Gee, everyone, quit trying to cheer us all up!
Your life becomes what you think about. You people sound really depressed. Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death. (Auntie Mame). I bet you are a real hit at parties! Then again, I imagine none of you "I think about suicide" people are ever INVITED to parties. Or have belly laughs. Or joy. Or really look forward to things. The way you are thinking is not normal (insofar as the natural human state is NOT one of despair and sadness and boredom, etc.) Were you this way as a small child? Back then, EVERY DAY was a joy-filled new experience. That is the "natural state of things." Adulthood fucks it all up. Are you people fat? You type a little fat. Are you unattractive, because unattractive people DO have a tougher lot in life.
I don't have any answers except to find something to LAUGH ABOUT TODAY. Find something, ANYTHING that brings you a little happiness. And for heaven's sake, DON'T commit suicide. I am sure that each of you have something WONDERFUL to bring to the planet, to others. Everyone who is born has something to contribute.
Cymbalta can help
I'm with you, OP. What is the point? I know I'm very bright, and have been told I'm attractive; yet I've never done anything to make a "success" of my life. I'm underemployed, I have almost no friends, my family is scattered. I have overwhelming debt and I'm always broke from paying my bills; I take no pleasure in anything and am apathetic about the future. If I was offered the chance to "un-exist", or never to have been born, I would take it. Yet I know I will never commit suicide; I just keep plodding along. Why?
While I do agree with R14 in some of his statements, his presentation will only hasten the deaths of OP and his friends. People avoid pessimists, but they absolutely despise unbridled optimists.
You have a partner, OP? You have so much more than many here already... That should be enough to give you pause.
I don't mean to be crass, but how's your stuff? Last time I took a dead DL OP's stuff I was stuck with a truckload of crap that I had to pay to have hauled away. Any mid century modern, art deco or art nouveau originals? Watches? Art?
This might sound weird but i agree with Friedrich Nietzsche:
“The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”
To me that particular thought tells me I can always leave this bullsh!t (life, suffering etc.)behind anytime I'm fed up.. It is like an escape route, and makes me feel safe.
So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.
Lillies of the field, birds in the air.........
R14 doesn't seem to understand depression.
r20 here, Forgot to say I struggle with suicidal thoughts all the time. That is why the Nietzsche quote helps me.
It's early onset Parkinson's. Get yourself to a doctor OP, you need some help with your dopamine.
[quote]So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.
I agree with this; but it's hard to live by in America.
OP, your feelings indicate you are quite lonely. If you feel better while with your doctor, that is because you are in contact with another person and you have a sense of purpose, however limited. Until you address your loneliness you'll continue to feel as you describe.
Why not join the peace corp is other volunteer group, your attitude will change rapidly.
Want to borrow my gun?
Just don't get on the anti-depression drug Effexor. It will make you fat!
OP always remember, we are only visitors to this planet. None of us stays all that long. Deliberately ending ones stay only messes things up for those doing their time.
I've been struggling with this for a while now. Been going through a very rocky couple of years. Lost my mother a year ago, injured my back while I was cleaning out her place, lost my job, had major financial issues--wiped out all my savings and was down to my last $45 when I got offered a job in March. I've been living in persistent pain for over a year and started with some other health issues. About a month ago doctor raised the possibility of cancer. Need to come up with 4K just to have the necessary tests. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. Don't get enough sleep due to the pain.
Worst part is there are so many things I want to be doing and enjoy doing, but the pain makes it extremely difficult. It seriously has sucked the life out of me and we've not been able to find anything that works to relieve it.
How lethal is Xanax? How much would I have to take to make sure I didn't wake up or just become a vegetable or some shit? That's the only thing that really stops me from taking a bunch of pills. It might not work and I'd just be a vegetable or something.
r29 how do you work with persistent pain? Did you get a diagnosis? Also, how's your weight? I've found being heavier seems to amplify every little ache and pain. Is it possible for you to exercise? if it's joint pain, can you swim? Getting your heart rate up on a regular basis can work wonders in some people.
I still have bad days. Then I realized that looking for beauty is the answer. There is beauty in nature all around you. Step outside of yourself and just think of others and you will see that a lot of us are struggling and we can get through this together.
Someone told me that if you want to kill yourself with pills, you have to eat a bunch of peanut butter along with them. Apparently the peanut butter prevents you from throwing them back up.
R32 is right. I hate unbridled nature - people who love hiking, camping, and mountain climbing are bizarre to me - but the presence of other life can make a big difference in one's mood and outlook.
Get A Pet, OP
Unisom seems to be the most lethal sleeping pill to take. I would use a gun, but I am afraid that if I shot myself in the head, I would mess up and still be alive.
I go online though and read "how to's" when it comes to killing yourself. That's where I learned about Unisom.
Yes, I'm lonely. My partner hates me and wants me to leave, but won't admit it. I have no friends. I only work a few months out of the year and after so many years of doing that, am probably unemployable. I never finished college, so any job I could get, I'd probably hate.
I don't care if other people have a hard time with my death. They never *really* cared about me, no matter how much they might protest. Or they might have at one time, but my problems (which are hardly my fault) became too much for them to tolerate. Well, now they're too much for me to tolerate.
If I had money, maybe I could go someplace that would help me get better.
Isn't Unisom an OTC sleep aid? I would've thought anything they sold OTC wouldn't do shit.
Counselors used to give me simplistic answers to dealing with life's constant disappointments, especially the financial ones. A county psychiatrist forced me to take meds; made me incapable of getting out of bed. I'd only take them again if that's the ONLY way I could live; I've never been suicidal. Very difficult to get the right med and the right dose. Of course both answers were completely wrong for me. You see OP many of us feel disconnected and alone and "different." Why do you think so many take drugs, get drunk daily, overeat, ANYTHING to make themselves feel better and emotionally cope? Instead of the standard answers that most counselors and well-meaning "friends" provide, you need to find something in life to do daily that makes YOU happy, even if you have to spend the rest of your life trying to find out what that thing is. And try to get daily exercise in the mean time.
R31, it's not easy working in constant pain. I've been diagnosed for the back issue and there are not a lot of options. I've got a decent chiropractor who does wonders when one of my joints pops and he can get me up and going again fairly quickly. The constant in the background pain is very difficult to deal with. Doctors gave tired me on just about everything and we haven't found anything that stops the pain. I've been told I need to learn to live with it by 2 different doctors.
I'm sure my weight isn't helping. I've packed on the pounds since this all developed--almost 40 pounds in 2 years. I used to hike and bike all the time, but it's really difficult. Don't know how to swim. Have a real phobia about water after nearly drowning as a kid.
I'm a mess. It really kills me not to be able to do the stuff I enjoy and the longer this goes on, the less interested in life I become.
Here I am, brain the size of a planet...
High levels of diphenhydramine found in Unisom cause death.
Go help some people or animals that need it. There are plenty of needy folks and creatures out there. You'd be surprised how great it makes you feel and how thankful you will find yourself feeling.
I currently work in that type of field, R42. It doesn't really help - if at all.
R39, I sympathize with those living in pain. I was paid for participation in a Vegas pain study. Received a monthly injection. Had zero side effects, and did not bother my delicate stomach. Cut my need for sleep by 3/4 and had so much more energy. Designed for those with minor arthritis, apparently the drug blocked my ability to feel my lifelong low-level pain. Pfizer stopped the study because someone somewhere had a negative reaction. Other study patients were literally hysterical at the loss of their "miracle cure." Tried contacting Pfizer myself; no response.
After a talk with my partner where he assured me that he doesn't hate and doesn't want to dump me, I feel somewhat better. He is like Jekyll & Hyde sometimes. He can be very sweet at times, but if I say or do the wrong thing, he becomes very cold and I feel like nothing I can do will ever be good enough.
Yes, I know we need to be in couples therapy. My therapist has suggested it more than once.
R45, what else is making you suicidal besides boyfriend issues?
R45, why don't you go to couples therapy?
No, I don't relate to this at all. There is so much to see and do I don't think I would get bored in 50 lifetimes. I feel like a sponge and I just want to drink in life. Here are a few things to get you started OP:
Travel, read, go to museums and movies, visit the beach at sunrise/set, try on-line dating, take a college course, learn a new skill, work on your family tree (genealogy), adopt a pet, become a big brother/sister, take up cooking or gardening, go to church, join a book group, volunteer, walk/jog/hike/bike, visit a winery, start a craft/hobby.
OP, I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. My bouts with depression were as bad as it can possibly get, and if I can make it through the darkness, anybody can, including you.
You said you haven't discussed these thoughts with your therapist; that's a mistake. You have to be brutally honest with the people who are helping you. It's the only way to get out of the state you're in.
A lot of DLers here are psych anti-medication, but fuck that. You may need meds and it might take a while to find the appropriate medication for your situation. Don't let the naysayers tell you otherwise. Those same naysayers have no problem with people taking medication for their other medical problems, but the minute people say they are on meds for a mental illness, the DL anti-mental health brigade chimes in and denigrates them.
For many people, there is only so much cognitive behaviour therapy, exercise, holistic medicine, etc., can do. Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story. For anyone out there who is suffering, don't let social stigmas interfere with your healing. Just ignore the naysayers and do what your doctor and you think is best.
So yeah, OP, this is something that you can fix and you can enjoy life once again.
R46, most of the issues with my boyfriend stem from my job situation. Without divulging too much info, I've been working seasonally (roughly half the year) for the past few years; at this point, with the economy the way it is, I feel that I am pretty much unemployable. My boyfriend thinks I can just go out there and get a job if I really want to.
That ties in to the other cause of my suicidal feelings - I've never had a real career and have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't think I'm talented enough or disciplined enough to do anything, which is part of the reason I'm in therapy.
"go to church"
I was with R48 until she said that. (She must be a straight female.) But yes, she is correct, with the exception of the North Korean-style collective religioning, the hiking, and the biking.
It can be easy to get down sometimes, OP. Luckily for us, though, life can be fascinating - you just have to start searching for the parts that bring you joy.
OP, I think what your therapist meant when he said we can't always be happy is that happiness for everyone is fleeting. If it wasn't, we wouldn't know what to call it or how to identify it. It's sort of like the seasons---you always appreciate the springtime after a long cold winter. But if it was always springtime, you would take the mild weather for granted. It's the ups and downs of life that keep things interesting. The good times are so much sweeter because we have experienced both pain and joy.
You can't be deliriously happy all the time. It is not our natural state. The best you can hope for in a "happy" life is overall contentment with intermittent bouts of elation and sorrow.
OP, have a less miserable day! :|
Yes, R51, church. Or synagogue, mosque, whatever. Lots of people find happiness and peace through spirituality.
Yes, but lots of people also find incredible sorrow and even death through religion and spirituality - especially when it's enforced or overly encouraged by others. Just let him find something less controversial.
[quote] Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story
If you find meds help you, great. Nobody thinks you should stop.
But why do you think you have a 'damaged brain'? Where did that idea come from, and did you question whether it has any basis in scientific/medical fact?
I would have said no thanks. There were times when I could have died but I didn't. So here I am and I realize, anything good, has already happened and the day to day struggle...it's not worth it.
Disneyland (the happiest place on earth) is fun to visit on occasion. But it stops being fun if you have to be there every day.
To put it another way, life can't be one long orgasm. If that's your standard, you need to learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and not be bummed that everything isn't always perfect, because it never will be no matter how charmed you life is.
Being happy and content has more to do with an optimistic attitude and less to do with how outside forces control your life.
To the person with back pain, I'm sorry.
I don't know how we are suppose to manage life without healthcare but apparently Republicans think we should either accept our health problems, or just kill ourselves. I'm fairly sure they prefer that we just kill ourselves.
Yes, I UNDERSTAND depression. (r14 here). It's just BORRRIINNG. Been down those roads with so many friends throughout life. Sat and listened to their sad tales for hours infinity. And they have listened to mine. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized "No one wants to hear this SHIT. Everyone has problems. We ALL get depressed." And most of us realize that those times PASS. So, tell your tales and then shut the hell up about it. Life is hard sometimes. Bad things happen to good people. Everyone gets shit on. Deal. That is how it is for "normal" people.
People who are CLINICALLY depressed, though, must, ultimately, decide to SEEK HELP on their own. That "dark hole that no understands?" Yeah, I GET that. Compassion but there is nothing the fuck that anyone ELSE can do for those people except POINT them in the direction of help. They will drag you right down with them if you stay in that energy for long, though.
Some people just enjoy WALLOWING in the drama of their depression. They wouldn't know a happy emotion if it slapped them in the face. Those are the kinds of friends that OTHERS eventually distance themselves from. The key in life is to lend a helping hand but don't let them drag you under with it.
r50, if that is truly how you feel about yourself, THE WORLD WON'T PROVE YOU WRONG. You must get some self worth, self esteem from the inside out. Life is lived from the inside out. Thoughts become reality. And we create our lives in ways that most of us are not conscious of.
When a person loses all hope that things might get better...it's hard to find a reason to go on. But you go on because of family and friends. But sometimes you see that your friends and family are also trapped in hard times, you start to wonder...
I think I know R14/R60.
If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.
I truly appreciate those who have been encouraging and shared their similar struggles. With that said...
R61, that's a load of Oprah-fied horse shit. People are generally, for better or worse, victims of their environments, upbringing, genetics, and random chance. "Free will" has very little to do with anything that happens. People who think they control the universe with their thoughts are delusional New Age fruitcakes.
If I'm being this cunty, then I must be feeling better!
agree with r61. You can't control everything outside yourself, you can only control how you react to things, and what you think. It is impossible to improve your situation as long as you continue to believe in and listen to these negative thoughts about yourself. Change is possible, but not if you keep dragging yourself down.
A lot of us have gay PTSD, we are traumatized and damaged from being raised with so much hostility. It's important to lot let it spill into how we perceive ourselves.
r65, if that is what you believe, then that is what your reality is. That is "how it is" for YOU. You are the one who "doesn't know that he doesn't know.
And people who perceive of themselves as "victims" will forever be. There is no such thing as "random chance." There are no accidents.
I LOVE to stir shit up on threads like these because all the depressed freaks start getting PISSED and feel a little better! Yay!
r66, AH, a voice of REASON and truth!
R67, fuck off and go watch OWN.
R14/R61/R67/R68= Oprah Winfrey Life Class troll. You and your capital letters can fuck right off.
Oftentimes ANGER is merely depression being expressed. It is how it is vented. So, get it OUT there. If you get angry at what you perceive as "new age crap" posts or whatever, then you are at least feeling an honest emotion. Start with that. And good luck. There is plenty of help for those who are not "interested in life" but you have to have some motivation to SEEK help. Namaste.
of course i meant "important to NOT let it spill into how we perceive ourselves."
Oh, I am gladly going to "fuck right off." Tired of dealing with such a negative asshole. Your nasty attitude? How's that workin' for ya? Oh, sorry, how's that WORKIN" for ya?
r69/r70, How is your hostility helping your depression?
Your new philosophy is part of the problem, r76. So is your anger.
The fact that you can even watch youtube videos on a computer makes you more fortunate than many of your fellow humans on this planet. but sadly gratitude seems out of reach for you at the moment.
One word Booze.
It's great you spin around and around and all your problems are solved.
[quote]If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.
You mean he's Andrew Sullivan?
r44: tell us more about the drug you trialled.
[quote]I am sure that each of you have something WONDERFUL to bring to the planet, to others. Everyone who is born has something to contribute.
I can't think of a single thing that I have to offer.
My greatest fear in life is that I become a bitter elsdergay who defines his life by his pets or emotionally distant partner. I'll commit suicide before I choose that life.
Pets are nice. I wish I had one.
Doesn't matter...elder straight or gay is usually boring and worrying over your health in a country that doesn't actually provide affordable healthcare. It's a bitch. Suicide is probably a better choice except there are people who depend on you.
Wow, I could have written that 10 years ago, OP. But one day the negativity... just stopped.
But I'm with poster #2; I have pets now and I'm responsible for their welfare. The boonchkins keep me focused.
Eat turkey, peas, and eggs every day OP. Tryptophan is used by the body to build dopamine, and you could use some.
But maybe not to the fullest extent.
I can't sleep at night due to negative thoughts and I get frustrated that its the worlds will that you have to "work hard" in life.
I'm not ambitious at all and would be quite happy to drift though life then die. But what is everyone's obsession with judging you if your not as successful or if your lazy or have bad traits?
People will say that it's really bad if you don't have a job/ relationship ect. But who are we to decide if that's bad or not?
Anyone can do what they want with thier own lives.
The more time you get to actually think, the unhappier you will be. Because you will always be trying to live up to the standards of those who are judging!
I feel exactly like you. I am a woman, 58 with plenty of investments and liquidity to keep me more than comfortable for 25 years plus.
I was very beautiful when I was young. Life came quit easy for me. But, I wasn't just a sidepiece. I graduated fro Duke University with an undergrad degree in economics, and then earned my MBA from Wharton.
Now I feel like a 40 year old woman in a 70 year old body. I have tried outreach work, philanthropy and copious prescription drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. I have no living family, to destroy by ending my life. I have no heirs to pass my Charitable Trust to. I figure I can hang in about another 4-6 months, but honestly I would go tomorrow if it could be done discretely.
You need to find a way to get outside your head and into the outside environment. Volunteer work with animals and the disabled helped me to heal from depression. Maybe this can help you too?
Why don't you find a partner? Travel? Join some sort of community, which is so important to being human, but for some reason, so rare in America.
My mother is your age, financially stable, but feeling adrift. I finally, after months, convinced her to go to Europe--she has a crippling fear of planes, so has never been. Now that she has her reservations for a two-month trip, transatlantic cruise ship both ways, she's excited, calling me too many times a day to ask questions, packing and unpacking, etc.
thank you my friend
I am not even certain if you were responding to me, but in case you were, I wanted you to know that I own and oversee a large kill-free animal shelter sanctuary on 25 acres in the south. What little happiness I get tends to come from saving any and all animals from abuse and suffering. And I have made firm legal arrangements to continue the sanctuary after I an gone.
Perhaps the one issue which tears my guts apart so unbearably is that I was privileged and lived a life that outsiders would imagine the'd envy. Why can't I appreciate what I have?
Sickeningly I am ashamed to say that the loss of youth and all that comes with it has left me a hollow shell. That reeks of self importance, but dammit it's the truth. ty again
But what exactly came with the loss of youth?
You haven't lived until you've experienced the full circle of life from cradle to dust. That's what you came here to do.
This is how I feel most days. I'm still really young and have more opportunities than most, but I feel like life is such a unrewarding experience and that dying now would prevent future suffering.
Sometimes I think about stopping my anti-depressants just so I can sink into a deep(er) depression and off myself. Even when I'm happy, I have this recurring thought.