Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I've experienced everything life has to offer, and it's always a struggle. The good things are never good enough, they don't last long, and they're always outnumbered by the bad things.
I'm just...not interested. I'd like to leave, but there's no fool-proof way out that isn't painful. I don't know what I'll do. I'm seeing a therapist, but I haven't brought this up because I don't seem to feel quite this way all the time, and never during our sessions. But now I am. He even said in a recent session that "being happy" (which I mentioned as my goal) as not always being possible, but that it is possible to be less miserable. And I thought "What the hell is the point?"
I mean, people don't ask to be born. If I'd been given a preview before birth and been asked if I wanted to born, I honestly think I would've said "No thanks."
OP, do you have anything that's anchoring you right now? I have felt (and at times still do feel) similarly to you in the past, and like you am not interested in suicide for a variety of reasons. But I have pets, two cats, that anchor me and give me consistent enjoyment. The responsibility of taking care of them is very helpful to keep me engaged in life.
Kind of agree with you, OP. The only thing that really brings me pleasure in life is my pets. If it wasn't for the love & responsibility I feel for them, there would be absolutely no reason to stick around waiting to die.
That being said, suicide is not the answer. It affects your family & friends more than you could possibly realize. All you can do is hang in there. Good luck.
OP, doesn't the absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead make you want to keep living?
I have absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead for eternity and no consciousness.
I find some happiness in my garden - growing things.
I am there now.
Now, I am just waiting for death. I was very suicidal about a year ago. I bought two packs of Unisom; which is something I could have never brought myself to do before. So, I am inching my way to pull off suicide. I think I may end up doing it sooner or later. I am past feeling suicidal, so I am not sure which stage I am yet. It's not numb, it's like being diagnosed with terminal cancer and not getting treatment. You know your time is coming and I have accepted that.
I don't feel bad right now, but I usually do at night. Fir reason, these feelings are always bad at night.
[quote]It affects your family & friends more than you could possibly realize.
Not true. Suicide is the answer for some people. It is for me. I just am a coward. And, not everybody has family and friends. But, it's important to contact the authorities or 911 if you are going to succeed at suicide because you don't want your body to rot and stink. How embarrassing. In death, I will still be modest.
Didn't we just do this?
[quote]OP, do you have anything that's anchoring you right now?
Not really. I have a partner, but I think he's fed up with me. I've never been able to be the way other people expect me to be or do the things they expect me to do, and at this point, I doubt I ever will. I feel like somebody made a terrible mistake and I'm not meant to be here at all.
[quote]OP, doesn't the absolute terror of eternal nothingness when dead make you want to keep living?
Not really. I figure it'll be like going to sleep, and I love to sleep.
I know, r6! Are these types of threads now a regular feature of Datalounge?
You could always go to Switzerland. You can legally kill yourself there with help (to make sure it works). I think about killing myself every single day thanks to a crippling health condition...but when I envision going to Switzerland and actually downing the little poison drink they give you, I just don't think I could do it. I don't have the balls to do something so final. I can always think of ONE MORE thing I want to do before I die (and they're little things, like pig out on Moose Tracks). Anyone who says suicide is the easy way out has NOT dealt with such a decision before. There's nothing easy about it.
OP I can honestly relate to how you feel. Much of my frustration stems from the way we treat each other - whether it be making fun of, oppressing, taking advantage of, inconsideration, etc.
I agree with your therapist that it's not always possible to be happy. However, I'm learning through meditation that being content is really the goal for me; living in the moment rather than dwelling in the past or on the future. I think this also involves finding something that you love to do regardless of how obscure or odd you may think it sounds; don't judge it. I think that's one way to remind yourself of what is important to you. Sometimes I think we limit our true selves because we're too concerned with what other people think or how we'll be perceived; if that makes any sense.
Perfect sense, R11!
Gee, everyone, quit trying to cheer us all up!
Your life becomes what you think about. You people sound really depressed. Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death. (Auntie Mame). I bet you are a real hit at parties! Then again, I imagine none of you "I think about suicide" people are ever INVITED to parties. Or have belly laughs. Or joy. Or really look forward to things. The way you are thinking is not normal (insofar as the natural human state is NOT one of despair and sadness and boredom, etc.) Were you this way as a small child? Back then, EVERY DAY was a joy-filled new experience. That is the "natural state of things." Adulthood fucks it all up. Are you people fat? You type a little fat. Are you unattractive, because unattractive people DO have a tougher lot in life.
I don't have any answers except to find something to LAUGH ABOUT TODAY. Find something, ANYTHING that brings you a little happiness. And for heaven's sake, DON'T commit suicide. I am sure that each of you have something WONDERFUL to bring to the planet, to others. Everyone who is born has something to contribute.
Cymbalta can help
I'm with you, OP. What is the point? I know I'm very bright, and have been told I'm attractive; yet I've never done anything to make a "success" of my life. I'm underemployed, I have almost no friends, my family is scattered. I have overwhelming debt and I'm always broke from paying my bills; I take no pleasure in anything and am apathetic about the future. If I was offered the chance to "un-exist", or never to have been born, I would take it. Yet I know I will never commit suicide; I just keep plodding along. Why?
While I do agree with R14 in some of his statements, his presentation will only hasten the deaths of OP and his friends. People avoid pessimists, but they absolutely despise unbridled optimists.
You have a partner, OP? You have so much more than many here already... That should be enough to give you pause.
I don't mean to be crass, but how's your stuff? Last time I took a dead DL OP's stuff I was stuck with a truckload of crap that I had to pay to have hauled away. Any mid century modern, art deco or art nouveau originals? Watches? Art?
This might sound weird but i agree with Friedrich Nietzsche:
“The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night”
To me that particular thought tells me I can always leave this bullsh!t (life, suffering etc.)behind anytime I'm fed up.. It is like an escape route, and makes me feel safe.
So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.
Lillies of the field, birds in the air.........
R14 doesn't seem to understand depression.
r20 here, Forgot to say I struggle with suicidal thoughts all the time. That is why the Nietzsche quote helps me.
It's early onset Parkinson's. Get yourself to a doctor OP, you need some help with your dopamine.
[quote]So hang in there. One day at a time. Remember "WE" are NOT SUPPOSED to be or do anything. Living is enough.
I agree with this; but it's hard to live by in America.
OP, your feelings indicate you are quite lonely. If you feel better while with your doctor, that is because you are in contact with another person and you have a sense of purpose, however limited. Until you address your loneliness you'll continue to feel as you describe.
Why not join the peace corp is other volunteer group, your attitude will change rapidly.
Want to borrow my gun?
Just don't get on the anti-depression drug Effexor. It will make you fat!
OP always remember, we are only visitors to this planet. None of us stays all that long. Deliberately ending ones stay only messes things up for those doing their time.
I've been struggling with this for a while now. Been going through a very rocky couple of years. Lost my mother a year ago, injured my back while I was cleaning out her place, lost my job, had major financial issues--wiped out all my savings and was down to my last $45 when I got offered a job in March. I've been living in persistent pain for over a year and started with some other health issues. About a month ago doctor raised the possibility of cancer. Need to come up with 4K just to have the necessary tests. Just getting out of bed is a struggle. Don't get enough sleep due to the pain.
Worst part is there are so many things I want to be doing and enjoy doing, but the pain makes it extremely difficult. It seriously has sucked the life out of me and we've not been able to find anything that works to relieve it.
How lethal is Xanax? How much would I have to take to make sure I didn't wake up or just become a vegetable or some shit? That's the only thing that really stops me from taking a bunch of pills. It might not work and I'd just be a vegetable or something.
r29 how do you work with persistent pain? Did you get a diagnosis? Also, how's your weight? I've found being heavier seems to amplify every little ache and pain. Is it possible for you to exercise? if it's joint pain, can you swim? Getting your heart rate up on a regular basis can work wonders in some people.
I still have bad days. Then I realized that looking for beauty is the answer. There is beauty in nature all around you. Step outside of yourself and just think of others and you will see that a lot of us are struggling and we can get through this together.
Someone told me that if you want to kill yourself with pills, you have to eat a bunch of peanut butter along with them. Apparently the peanut butter prevents you from throwing them back up.
R32 is right. I hate unbridled nature - people who love hiking, camping, and mountain climbing are bizarre to me - but the presence of other life can make a big difference in one's mood and outlook.
Get A Pet, OP
Unisom seems to be the most lethal sleeping pill to take. I would use a gun, but I am afraid that if I shot myself in the head, I would mess up and still be alive.
I go online though and read "how to's" when it comes to killing yourself. That's where I learned about Unisom.
Yes, I'm lonely. My partner hates me and wants me to leave, but won't admit it. I have no friends. I only work a few months out of the year and after so many years of doing that, am probably unemployable. I never finished college, so any job I could get, I'd probably hate.
I don't care if other people have a hard time with my death. They never *really* cared about me, no matter how much they might protest. Or they might have at one time, but my problems (which are hardly my fault) became too much for them to tolerate. Well, now they're too much for me to tolerate.
If I had money, maybe I could go someplace that would help me get better.
Isn't Unisom an OTC sleep aid? I would've thought anything they sold OTC wouldn't do shit.
Counselors used to give me simplistic answers to dealing with life's constant disappointments, especially the financial ones. A county psychiatrist forced me to take meds; made me incapable of getting out of bed. I'd only take them again if that's the ONLY way I could live; I've never been suicidal. Very difficult to get the right med and the right dose. Of course both answers were completely wrong for me. You see OP many of us feel disconnected and alone and "different." Why do you think so many take drugs, get drunk daily, overeat, ANYTHING to make themselves feel better and emotionally cope? Instead of the standard answers that most counselors and well-meaning "friends" provide, you need to find something in life to do daily that makes YOU happy, even if you have to spend the rest of your life trying to find out what that thing is. And try to get daily exercise in the mean time.
R31, it's not easy working in constant pain. I've been diagnosed for the back issue and there are not a lot of options. I've got a decent chiropractor who does wonders when one of my joints pops and he can get me up and going again fairly quickly. The constant in the background pain is very difficult to deal with. Doctors gave tired me on just about everything and we haven't found anything that stops the pain. I've been told I need to learn to live with it by 2 different doctors.
I'm sure my weight isn't helping. I've packed on the pounds since this all developed--almost 40 pounds in 2 years. I used to hike and bike all the time, but it's really difficult. Don't know how to swim. Have a real phobia about water after nearly drowning as a kid.
I'm a mess. It really kills me not to be able to do the stuff I enjoy and the longer this goes on, the less interested in life I become.
Here I am, brain the size of a planet...
High levels of diphenhydramine found in Unisom cause death.
Go help some people or animals that need it. There are plenty of needy folks and creatures out there. You'd be surprised how great it makes you feel and how thankful you will find yourself feeling.
I currently work in that type of field, R42. It doesn't really help - if at all.
R39, I sympathize with those living in pain. I was paid for participation in a Vegas pain study. Received a monthly injection. Had zero side effects, and did not bother my delicate stomach. Cut my need for sleep by 3/4 and had so much more energy. Designed for those with minor arthritis, apparently the drug blocked my ability to feel my lifelong low-level pain. Pfizer stopped the study because someone somewhere had a negative reaction. Other study patients were literally hysterical at the loss of their "miracle cure." Tried contacting Pfizer myself; no response.
After a talk with my partner where he assured me that he doesn't hate and doesn't want to dump me, I feel somewhat better. He is like Jekyll & Hyde sometimes. He can be very sweet at times, but if I say or do the wrong thing, he becomes very cold and I feel like nothing I can do will ever be good enough.
Yes, I know we need to be in couples therapy. My therapist has suggested it more than once.
R45, what else is making you suicidal besides boyfriend issues?
R45, why don't you go to couples therapy?
No, I don't relate to this at all. There is so much to see and do I don't think I would get bored in 50 lifetimes. I feel like a sponge and I just want to drink in life. Here are a few things to get you started OP:
Travel, read, go to museums and movies, visit the beach at sunrise/set, try on-line dating, take a college course, learn a new skill, work on your family tree (genealogy), adopt a pet, become a big brother/sister, take up cooking or gardening, go to church, join a book group, volunteer, walk/jog/hike/bike, visit a winery, start a craft/hobby.
OP, I've been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. My bouts with depression were as bad as it can possibly get, and if I can make it through the darkness, anybody can, including you.
You said you haven't discussed these thoughts with your therapist; that's a mistake. You have to be brutally honest with the people who are helping you. It's the only way to get out of the state you're in.
A lot of DLers here are psych anti-medication, but fuck that. You may need meds and it might take a while to find the appropriate medication for your situation. Don't let the naysayers tell you otherwise. Those same naysayers have no problem with people taking medication for their other medical problems, but the minute people say they are on meds for a mental illness, the DL anti-mental health brigade chimes in and denigrates them.
For many people, there is only so much cognitive behaviour therapy, exercise, holistic medicine, etc., can do. Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story. For anyone out there who is suffering, don't let social stigmas interfere with your healing. Just ignore the naysayers and do what your doctor and you think is best.
So yeah, OP, this is something that you can fix and you can enjoy life once again.
R46, most of the issues with my boyfriend stem from my job situation. Without divulging too much info, I've been working seasonally (roughly half the year) for the past few years; at this point, with the economy the way it is, I feel that I am pretty much unemployable. My boyfriend thinks I can just go out there and get a job if I really want to.
That ties in to the other cause of my suicidal feelings - I've never had a real career and have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't think I'm talented enough or disciplined enough to do anything, which is part of the reason I'm in therapy.
"go to church"
I was with R48 until she said that. (She must be a straight female.) But yes, she is correct, with the exception of the North Korean-style collective religioning, the hiking, and the biking.
It can be easy to get down sometimes, OP. Luckily for us, though, life can be fascinating - you just have to start searching for the parts that bring you joy.
OP, I think what your therapist meant when he said we can't always be happy is that happiness for everyone is fleeting. If it wasn't, we wouldn't know what to call it or how to identify it. It's sort of like the seasons---you always appreciate the springtime after a long cold winter. But if it was always springtime, you would take the mild weather for granted. It's the ups and downs of life that keep things interesting. The good times are so much sweeter because we have experienced both pain and joy.
You can't be deliriously happy all the time. It is not our natural state. The best you can hope for in a "happy" life is overall contentment with intermittent bouts of elation and sorrow.
OP, have a less miserable day! :|
Yes, R51, church. Or synagogue, mosque, whatever. Lots of people find happiness and peace through spirituality.
Yes, but lots of people also find incredible sorrow and even death through religion and spirituality - especially when it's enforced or overly encouraged by others. Just let him find something less controversial.
[quote] Some of us have damaged brains and we need meds, end of story
If you find meds help you, great. Nobody thinks you should stop.
But why do you think you have a 'damaged brain'? Where did that idea come from, and did you question whether it has any basis in scientific/medical fact?
I would have said no thanks. There were times when I could have died but I didn't. So here I am and I realize, anything good, has already happened and the day to day struggle...it's not worth it.
Disneyland (the happiest place on earth) is fun to visit on occasion. But it stops being fun if you have to be there every day.
To put it another way, life can't be one long orgasm. If that's your standard, you need to learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and not be bummed that everything isn't always perfect, because it never will be no matter how charmed you life is.
Being happy and content has more to do with an optimistic attitude and less to do with how outside forces control your life.
To the person with back pain, I'm sorry.
I don't know how we are suppose to manage life without healthcare but apparently Republicans think we should either accept our health problems, or just kill ourselves. I'm fairly sure they prefer that we just kill ourselves.
Yes, I UNDERSTAND depression. (r14 here). It's just BORRRIINNG. Been down those roads with so many friends throughout life. Sat and listened to their sad tales for hours infinity. And they have listened to mine. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized "No one wants to hear this SHIT. Everyone has problems. We ALL get depressed." And most of us realize that those times PASS. So, tell your tales and then shut the hell up about it. Life is hard sometimes. Bad things happen to good people. Everyone gets shit on. Deal. That is how it is for "normal" people.
People who are CLINICALLY depressed, though, must, ultimately, decide to SEEK HELP on their own. That "dark hole that no understands?" Yeah, I GET that. Compassion but there is nothing the fuck that anyone ELSE can do for those people except POINT them in the direction of help. They will drag you right down with them if you stay in that energy for long, though.
Some people just enjoy WALLOWING in the drama of their depression. They wouldn't know a happy emotion if it slapped them in the face. Those are the kinds of friends that OTHERS eventually distance themselves from. The key in life is to lend a helping hand but don't let them drag you under with it.
r50, if that is truly how you feel about yourself, THE WORLD WON'T PROVE YOU WRONG. You must get some self worth, self esteem from the inside out. Life is lived from the inside out. Thoughts become reality. And we create our lives in ways that most of us are not conscious of.
When a person loses all hope that things might get better...it's hard to find a reason to go on. But you go on because of family and friends. But sometimes you see that your friends and family are also trapped in hard times, you start to wonder...
I think I know R14/R60.
If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.
I truly appreciate those who have been encouraging and shared their similar struggles. With that said...
R61, that's a load of Oprah-fied horse shit. People are generally, for better or worse, victims of their environments, upbringing, genetics, and random chance. "Free will" has very little to do with anything that happens. People who think they control the universe with their thoughts are delusional New Age fruitcakes.
If I'm being this cunty, then I must be feeling better!
agree with r61. You can't control everything outside yourself, you can only control how you react to things, and what you think. It is impossible to improve your situation as long as you continue to believe in and listen to these negative thoughts about yourself. Change is possible, but not if you keep dragging yourself down.
A lot of us have gay PTSD, we are traumatized and damaged from being raised with so much hostility. It's important to lot let it spill into how we perceive ourselves.
r65, if that is what you believe, then that is what your reality is. That is "how it is" for YOU. You are the one who "doesn't know that he doesn't know.
And people who perceive of themselves as "victims" will forever be. There is no such thing as "random chance." There are no accidents.
I LOVE to stir shit up on threads like these because all the depressed freaks start getting PISSED and feel a little better! Yay!
r66, AH, a voice of REASON and truth!
R67, fuck off and go watch OWN.
R14/R61/R67/R68= Oprah Winfrey Life Class troll. You and your capital letters can fuck right off.
Oftentimes ANGER is merely depression being expressed. It is how it is vented. So, get it OUT there. If you get angry at what you perceive as "new age crap" posts or whatever, then you are at least feeling an honest emotion. Start with that. And good luck. There is plenty of help for those who are not "interested in life" but you have to have some motivation to SEEK help. Namaste.
of course i meant "important to NOT let it spill into how we perceive ourselves."
Oh, I am gladly going to "fuck right off." Tired of dealing with such a negative asshole. Your nasty attitude? How's that workin' for ya? Oh, sorry, how's that WORKIN" for ya?
r69/r70, How is your hostility helping your depression?
Your new philosophy is part of the problem, r76. So is your anger.
The fact that you can even watch youtube videos on a computer makes you more fortunate than many of your fellow humans on this planet. but sadly gratitude seems out of reach for you at the moment.
One word Booze.
It's great you spin around and around and all your problems are solved.
[quote]If he is who I think he is, then he's an arrogant, bloviating, control-freak windbag who thinks he knows everything and loves to preach at people he thinks will benefit from his hubris-filled sermonizing.
You mean he's Andrew Sullivan?
r44: tell us more about the drug you trialled.
[quote]I am sure that each of you have something WONDERFUL to bring to the planet, to others. Everyone who is born has something to contribute.
I can't think of a single thing that I have to offer.
My greatest fear in life is that I become a bitter elsdergay who defines his life by his pets or emotionally distant partner. I'll commit suicide before I choose that life.
Pets are nice. I wish I had one.
Doesn't matter...elder straight or gay is usually boring and worrying over your health in a country that doesn't actually provide affordable healthcare. It's a bitch. Suicide is probably a better choice except there are people who depend on you.
Wow, I could have written that 10 years ago, OP. But one day the negativity... just stopped.
But I'm with poster #2; I have pets now and I'm responsible for their welfare. The boonchkins keep me focused.
Eat turkey, peas, and eggs every day OP. Tryptophan is used by the body to build dopamine, and you could use some.
But maybe not to the fullest extent.
I can't sleep at night due to negative thoughts and I get frustrated that its the worlds will that you have to "work hard" in life.
I'm not ambitious at all and would be quite happy to drift though life then die. But what is everyone's obsession with judging you if your not as successful or if your lazy or have bad traits?
People will say that it's really bad if you don't have a job/ relationship ect. But who are we to decide if that's bad or not?
Anyone can do what they want with thier own lives.
The more time you get to actually think, the unhappier you will be. Because you will always be trying to live up to the standards of those who are judging!
I feel exactly like you. I am a woman, 58 with plenty of investments and liquidity to keep me more than comfortable for 25 years plus.
I was very beautiful when I was young. Life came quit easy for me. But, I wasn't just a sidepiece. I graduated fro Duke University with an undergrad degree in economics, and then earned my MBA from Wharton.
Now I feel like a 40 year old woman in a 70 year old body. I have tried outreach work, philanthropy and copious prescription drugs and alcohol to numb the emptiness. I have no living family, to destroy by ending my life. I have no heirs to pass my Charitable Trust to. I figure I can hang in about another 4-6 months, but honestly I would go tomorrow if it could be done discretely.
You need to find a way to get outside your head and into the outside environment. Volunteer work with animals and the disabled helped me to heal from depression. Maybe this can help you too?
Why don't you find a partner? Travel? Join some sort of community, which is so important to being human, but for some reason, so rare in America.
My mother is your age, financially stable, but feeling adrift. I finally, after months, convinced her to go to Europe--she has a crippling fear of planes, so has never been. Now that she has her reservations for a two-month trip, transatlantic cruise ship both ways, she's excited, calling me too many times a day to ask questions, packing and unpacking, etc.
thank you my friend
I am not even certain if you were responding to me, but in case you were, I wanted you to know that I own and oversee a large kill-free animal shelter sanctuary on 25 acres in the south. What little happiness I get tends to come from saving any and all animals from abuse and suffering. And I have made firm legal arrangements to continue the sanctuary after I an gone.
Perhaps the one issue which tears my guts apart so unbearably is that I was privileged and lived a life that outsiders would imagine the'd envy. Why can't I appreciate what I have?
Sickeningly I am ashamed to say that the loss of youth and all that comes with it has left me a hollow shell. That reeks of self importance, but dammit it's the truth. ty again
But what exactly came with the loss of youth?
You haven't lived until you've experienced the full circle of life from cradle to dust. That's what you came here to do.
This is how I feel most days. I'm still really young and have more opportunities than most, but I feel like life is such a unrewarding experience and that dying now would prevent future suffering.
Sometimes I think about stopping my anti-depressants just so I can sink into a deep(er) depression and off myself. Even when I'm happy, I have this recurring thought.
It seems I'm not the only one...
If you're still with us, (or anyone else) I'd like to know the answer to r91 as well.
As Meadow Soprano once said to Anthony Jr., OP, you've got to learn to filter stuff out.
We live in a mediated world which bombards us with messages which produce anxiety, and a sense of helplessness. If you are in robust mental health, you can shrug a lot of that off. But if you are predisposed to low mood, then please try to avoid news media, and negative, bitchy garbage (like many of the threads on DL) for a few months and see if that helps to stabilise you.
Make a decision to replace that type of media with more thoughtful and helpful activities - check out the 'books you are currently reading' threads for ideas, or, take up some of the activities suggested upthread.
Some gentle changes of focus may help.
Look after yourself!
Hi OP, sorry to hear about your pain.
I've been there, and after 15 years of trying everything else, I finally enrolled in a dialectical behavior therapy program (DBT). It's a treatment that was originally developed for treating personality disorders, but is now being used much more broadly. Without a doubt, it's allowed me to break free from my daily suicidal ideation by teaching me other coping skills. I can't recommend it enough. Very best of luck.
I really hate telling you this. Sadly...OP took his own life in 2013. I wish I could have done more to help.
op It sounds like dysthymia, I am not sure what age you are but it's a very common condition for many. I have it and the only thing that works for me is medication. Everyone is different so if you want to feel better you will have to take some time and discover what works best for you. Best of luck, I hope that you can find a way to live with some amount of purpose and hopefully happiness.
So...how many people think this world is a bit like a prison cell, where we're biding our time until we die...?
I have a great life, but I don't feel "free" per se. I'm tied down by familial obligations, a mortgage, a corporate drone job....
I'd like to travel regularly but can't afford it or get the time off.
I feel like a wage slave looking forward to one day being too old to work.
I'd like to do something more creative and interesting...but instead feel like I should stay with my "safe" job that pays my bills consistently and upholds my comfy lifestyle.
I've been "institutionalized," I think...
I am the OP of this thread (R98 is an asshole). When I first saw it, I thought I could've written it a couple of years ago, and then I realized I had written it.
A couple of months after I posted this, I entered an intensive outpatient therapy program, at my therapist's urging. I was in it for six weeks and it (and the subsequent life changes I made) helped immensely.
I still struggle with depression, but not nearly as severe as evidenced in my original post. I'm actually a little shocked reading it now. I didn't realize just how bad off I was.
Can you say more about your treatment? What did it change about your thought patterns? What were the life changes that you made? And, how do you now manage your depression?
Op, why dont join Isis?below is the list titled “Ten Facts from the #Islamic_State that everyone should know,” as it appears we don’ pay rent here. Houses are given for free.We pay neither ectric nor water bills.We are given monthly grocery supplies.etc.Monthly allowance are given not only to husband and wife (wives) but also for each child.Medical check up and medication are free – The Islamic State pays on behalf of you.You can still survive even if you don’t speak Arabic. You can find almost every race and nationality here.For every newly married couples are given 3 kilo guld as a gift.You don’t have to pay tax (if you’re a Muslim).No one is conducting business during prayer time. You can see people left their shops opened and pray either in the masjid or near by their shops.The number of mix-marriages and mix-race children are so high. It’s beautiful to witness brotherhood with no racism.
Quit your whining, there are guys who fought in Iraq that came home without eyes, arms or legs and they're fighting to live.
You'd better not leave a suicide note saying, "I'm bored" like George Sanders did, either.
R102, it was group therapy, and I was easily the least fucked-up person there, honestly. It was heavy on cognitive behavioral therapy and weekly goal-setting.
The biggest change I made was that I made some friends (NOT with the other group members) and became far more social. I'm extremely introverted, but I learned that I just can't isolate myself, which is my tendency. I try to be more physically active, which is more of a challenge. And I'm on an anti-depressant.
I'm still with my partner, but just barely. He resents the years I've struggled with depression and underemployment. I doubt we'll be together for another year, but I'll be okay.
Also whit Isis your lifespan is will be reduced
Expect to life 2 years max.
You haven't told your therapist this? What's the point of therapy, then? Do you usually approach conversations in this cagey, witholding way? It might be why you have the relationships you have. Nobody on the other side of a conversation with you would rather you refrain from saying the things you're telling us. There's no them, OP. It's your personality that you can change (and very little else), so change it. And get a pet. Loving an animal, being responsible for an animal, changes your life. Or go read to old people. It's not going to be all Tuesdays with Morrie but that's the point. You'll meet crotchety assholes who cling to life and people full of vigor who would love it if their bodies didn't confound their desires. As others have said, get out of your own head.
One thing posted upthread that I loved was this: "Your life becomes what you think about. " Shit, I think about shitty things all day long, and that is the source of any unhappiness in my life, not the actual thought itself, but my contriving to think up shitty thoughts.
The OP is over 2 years old. You might want to read the rest of the thread.
R91 R95 I can say that aging has insidious aspects which can include increasing marginalization in ways you're not prepared to navigate. It can be subtle and insidious - it comes from various directions in American culture. That outside world part is coupled with our own personal mythology which came from family experience; in other words, how aging - and gender specific aging - was viewed and treated within immediate family and family class origins.
It is VERY difficult to have no living family members once you're in your 50s or 60s; the continuity of presence from people you've known since birth and/or childhood can take on a different significance at that stage in life.
It can feel like a perfect storm of increasing isolation. Overcoming that particular isolation has little to do with the emotional and psychological benefits of helping animals or people, traveling, joining social activities. And I can get how R58 is feeling that money and the security that brings doesn't necessarily prevent it.
I agree with so many offered suggestions in this thread - things suggested as actions to get outside one's head and engaged by life. If you have limited mobility due to illness/chronic pain, no car, no money for extras (like cost of gas or public transportation for other than the most basic errands) or money for any other luxuries, day to day life can get grim fast. Questioning the purpose for staying alive can arise easily in some folks who NEVER expected to feel that way; if daily quality of life is below a certain level it's really hard to sustain your resolve to keep going forward.
And not everyone has a fighting spirit to keep trying to conquer the feelings of defeat and resignation; aging can add to that in significant ways.
Personally...I've had it.
In my mid-60's had a pretty exciting life but nothing to show for it. I never planned for old age...a fault via my father who taught me nothing and yes I know I can't really blame him...
I don't like growing older physically.
I'm estranged from my family and that isn't my fault. I take blame where it does lay but that is not someplace I am at fault.
I'm alone..no partner...yes, my responsibility but that's the way it is.
I don't see the big deal. It's my decision if I don't want to continue. A good friend figured out recently what I have been planning and want me back in therapy and anti-depressants which I was involved with for years...I'm lying to him to get him off my back but I really appreciate how sweet he is.
I am EXHAUSTED by the struggle of daily existence...and the pain....emotional and physical.
When I think of my death a wonderful sense of relief comes over me.
So I have it planned. I'm going through this holiday season for a couple of reasons and that's it.
I have good friends, lifelong friends .... but they'll get over it and go about their lives.
I just don't want this anymore and that's a decision for me to make and I am thrilled about it...
This is my conscious uncoupling with life...thanks goop!
r110, you have an imagination. Can't you use it for your benefit just as easily as not...?
I'm going through a phase where, upon realizing I'm upset about something, I say to myself:
"I don't want to lay my old psychology on this current & neutral thing."
Sometimes it actually hurts to do this...I'm very reluctant to let go of things that hurt me.
For example, my co-workers forgot me on Friday! We had all just made plans to get lunch together (or so I thought), but when I came out of the restroom, they were all gone. Another co-worker told me they had all just left, and were somehow under the impression that I wasn't going.
I exited only to see them all driving away...
It hurt my feelings. They still don't know they "deserted" me. But, well, I had been sick for a couple days, and was on cold medicine.
Instead of dwelling in the pain, I decided that I was blame the confusion on the cold medicine...that I just didn't understand them, and "missed the boat."
Today everybody is super kind to me...I know they didn't mean to hurt me, and that they do like me. It was just a misunderstanding....nothing personal.
It's better for me to see things this way. And besides, it's true...it was just a mistake. People make mistakes all the time.
But I will say this...I like ettiquette. It avoids these kinds of awkward situations. I'm a gracious person, adn wish other people valued ettiquette.
I could have written R110.
I too was incredibly depressed trying to find meaning in my life and then suddenly R16 cheered my right up by feeling the need to reference his Auntie Mame quote on this site.
Sometimes I feel like I was never born, just dropped off.
R110 and R113, we each have the capacity to make a valuable contribution to others, to make something meaningful of the experience of being human, which can undoubtably be an extremely painful experience.
Wishing you both the very best.
OP, it;s made my day to read your updates.
Really pleased for you that you are feeling well.
r116 is correct.
We can contribute to good in this world. It will come back to us, too...perhaps not in "this" life, but definitely someday.
Try trans-personal therapies. Psychology field is good but has your own limits.
I'd choose cis-personal therapy, myself.
OP: Thanks for the updates at R101 and R105. Hopefully more posters will read them
I'm very depressed and lonely. I can relate to OP. Lost my job, don't really have friends as I'm new to this city, am HIV, feel so alone. If I had the courage I'd kill myself. Maybe I will if I can do it with no pain or mess. I daily pray that God will let me get killed in a car wreck or murdered in my sleep. Had substance issues with meth and booze. Stopped that three yrs ago so now Ihave nothing. I hate myself and wish I had never been born. I am a TOTAL LOSER.
This thread is sad because all the people a few weeks from planning their own demise sound like perceptive, COOL people.
In the past ten years or so, "modern living" has become shallow, creepy and psychopathic in ways I could not have imagined. Make fun of me if you want, but I think the 9/11 "thing" was the start point. People became, thanks to social media, not just silly or selfish, but UBERcunty. It's appalling. I think this thread reflects thinking, feeling people trapped in this ugly psychological cyst we are stuck in.
I wouldn't recommend killing yourself because (pardon the Biblespeak, not my thing) but these are times of revelations...public figures, so many, being outed as PSYCHOS...banks being exposed...and some incredible (and hidden) discoveries in fuel sources etc that could vastly improve human life and can't be held back. Things might be very, very different in just five years. The tables could turn...imminently.
Can you get back to nature for one long day? Take a bus ride and pack some poor people crackers. Research a place outside of cities, just nature, maybe a national park. We as a species have lost contact with the medicinal power of being alone in nature.
R122, please check in with the HIV support group/s in your city - be with others, learn some coping strategies, make some connections. Why not research online, tonight, where such a group is next meeting, and resolve to get there - and let us know how you found it. Take it easy.
It's cellphones, R123. Especially the so-called smart ones. When you apply them to the Stranger Danger Generation, you get day-in and day-out sociopathy.
r122, please follow r124's advise.
In many ways, you are a fortunate person. I know several addicts still struggling to gain sobriety. They would give their left nut to quit.
And know this: I love you. I don't know who you are irl, but I can honestly say that I love you, and hope you get better.
You are loved, r122.
Now reach out...reach for the phone and call a support group. They exist for people like us.
Hang in there...nothing lasts forever. Your circumstances will change again...for the better. But right now you need help...please reach out.
There is so much wonderful stuff in life to be excited about, even if you think things are little and insignificant, you can find joy in them and share them with your friends.
For example, how exciting is it going to be to watch the confrontation of Olivia, Fitz and Jake on Scandal in the bunker?! My friends and I can't wait; even though we won't watch it together we will be texting and discussing it on Friday when we meet up. Don't forget HTGAWM, Vampire Diaries and Parenthood are also on that night.
Have you seen Ghost Quartet yet (yes, you have to make a trip into Brooklyn, but it's WORTH it!)?
Have you seen Death of Klinghoffer? It's superbly sung and not to be missed.
What about The Bandwagon at Encores? Laura Osnes will slay you with that hayride number and Ullman is heartbreaking.
I could go on and on, but there's so much wonderful, wonderful stuff to enjoy in life. I don't understand how someone could not find SOMETHING out there to take part in and love.
I agree, r123. 9/11 changed the world so much...it's hard to believe that prior to 9/11, all I knew as an American citizen was peace and prosperity. I remember reading about kids who joined the military just to get a college scholarship...and them being surprised that they were actualy being sent it to combat to fight a war, because it had been decades since we needed the national guard to do combat.
Sometimes I attribute our culture of insanity to, ironically, prescription meds. The side effects are getting to people...also, people routinely drink while taking meds.
Also...it's so expensive just to live anymore. Most of us are desperate for a paycheck, and have to work crappy jobs just to eat. So little opportunity...
Another reason could be just sheer increase in population. THe planet has nearly doubled in people since I was born in the 60s.
The constant hate from the republican party also drags us down...and their support for crazy people to be able to obtains guns without background checks. People don't feel safe in malls & movie theaters...or even driving down the street.
R122, please do call an HIV support group? You may find someone kind and decent like R126 there, to become friendly with.
Yes, OP, life is a struggle, bad things keep on happening and they'll keep on happening, but you don't have to remind that to yourself everyday. There are really lousy days, there are some good days, and there are indifferent days, as you already know. Don't annihilate all by saying 'Just not interested in life'.
Stop trying to reach life only by logic, you'll lose. Make a warm house for yourself and inside your heart, why the hell you have to plague yourself with the weight of your doubts and fears most of the time? I say that to myself too, you know?
Make space for some positive and sweet thoughts and don't let your logic suck the life out of you. Logic is not the key that will open for a while the door to your fragile happiness. It takes more. I think that we should use logic for practical reasons, but i also believe that logic and the course of this world won't give me the deep satisfaction i long for. Yet, i can sometimes get entertained by it... So, why the hell not be sweet to yourself and to others, whenever you can? That sweetness will affect you somehow, give it time.
Keep your doubts, i'm sure every doubt has a reason, but never really believe that you are 'just not interested in life'.
Those who have not mastered the art of artifice fail. In an age of images and entertainment, in an age of instant emotional gratification, we do not seek or want honesty. We ask to be indulged and entertained by clichés, stereotypes and mythic narratives that tell us we can be whomever we want to be, that we live in the greatest country on Earth, that we are endowed with superior moral and physical qualities and that our glorious future is preordained, either because of our attributes as Americans or because we are blessed by God or both. - Chris Hedges
We need all of you more than we need any rethug.
 here. Tks for msgs. Think I found HIV support gp. but doesn't meet till next week. I need something to help me cope. I feel so damn alone and lonely. Its now Tues. Five wks ago today I had to have my dog Sasha put down. Had her 13 yes but she got cancer in Aug. My best friend ever. I sleep with her ashes on my nightstand. She gave my life some sort of purpose.
R130, what you wrote...wow.
I totally agree OP. I like travelling and wish I could just do that.
OP if you drink alcohol at all, consider stopping. It's a depressant. Also consider taking megadoses of vitamin D.
R127 your zest for life is admirable. Try to imagine not having the mobility to travel to Brooklyn, or the money for theater, travel costs ( including public transportation,) cable tv. Or no home computer. I mean this sincerely, no snark - try to imagine have your Joie de Vivre for theater without ways to access it daily, or others with whom to share it , might be dampened. There are many ways to imagine how loss - in all its broad and various ways - can bring a sense of poor quality of daily life which lead a person to question remaining on the planet. With your creative spirit I have no doubt you can go there in imagination. There is a point where a variety of factors can convene and any human can be pressed toward desolation.
SOMEONE needs to watch more baby animal videos. My favorites are the interspecies friendship ones - they'll pick you right up.
I too have HIV, my best friend died months ago, I'm alone. My friend and family both let me know they're going away for Thanksgiving. I have no support system of gay men. If I suddenly died in my apartment no one would find me for days until the smell offended. My partner of 10 years was a deceitful liar who replace me with a piece of shit cheat. Every one I ever knew that I loved is dead. Daily life is a rerun from day to day. Nobody knows I'm alive.
Yet I keep on. I keep taking my HIV meds. I keep eating healthy. I keep posting news on Facebook. I keep living and loving life.
Though I don't know why.
All I want is to die with a big black dick shoved up my ass.
Thank you for the update, OP.
R89 touched on something very important that I've learned about depression. One day I was sitting with two coworkers and they were talking about their plans for the summer and I realized that I had no plans. I had nothing to look forward to. Whenever I fall deeper into depression I fall into survival routine. Work, eat, sleep, think about ending things every morning. I used to look down on people and their silly trips and dates, but now I realize they got it right.
Depression makes you feel hollow inside and the more you sink the darker and hopeless it seems, even though present reality might not be that bad. It makes you lose the motivation to do anything and you get caught up in a negative cycle. It's very hard to break out of it.
It is a bit like fighting a demon in you that keeps telling you what's the point you loser, just give up. It's hard to find the positive voice in you that doesn't take life so seriously and recognizes that life can be beautiful.
R122, very pleased to read that you have set up a meeting with a supportive GP. Are there support / discussion /social groups for HIV+ men in your city that you can also access? Your recent bereavement is an additional strain on you, and you need the support of others, who will hopefully be able to share their coping strategies with you and offer understanding and companionship. Just take it one day at a time, your GP appointment will come around very quickly.
This might be a little way out for some, but consider the story of "The Archons", which is featured in the Dead Sea Scrolls and a few other remaining documents. It tells the story - erased from history - that humans are a form of energetic food to a non-human, non-third dimensional being that feeds on human fear, suffering and hate (think the screams of children powering a city in "Monsters, Inc."). It goes on to say there are humans that are in on it and have designed a material world that fosters suffering worldwide, to crow a bumper crop.
I don't know why people act against each other with so much zeal, why our society is structured so others profit from so much suffering. In the depths of my depression (which so many seemed to use to power their own smug feelings of "winning"), this spoke to me.
It's not simply ''a little way out'', R142, it's schizotypal.
R127....R110 here...I actually did see The Bandwagon...I thought it was terrible IMO...I also saw Klonghoffer which I just love.
I am a culture vulture and these experiences do add to my daily life...but then I get home. Still alone. Still struggling. Still have the same psychological problems I have worked on for decades.
I give up. Ultimately nobody gives a fuck...except your family, which I don't have and that kills me. I was so close to them. Such a good brother, son, uncle and they just turned on me like a pack of hyenas.
I have $ problems and have been generously helped by some friends but Jesus they made me feel like shit,. I don't get it. I have been a loving caring friend especially in forming relationships with my friend's kids in a very meaningful way....and somehow if $ comes into play all that realness goes right out the window.
I've had it.
After the new year it's sayanora suckers. I can't wait.
I'm a total atheist. So when I finally go to sleep and don't wake up that is it....to me that sounds blissful.
[quote]I don't know why people act against each other with so much zeal, why our society is structured so others profit from so much suffering.
it's because of fear.
We don't know what we are, or where we come from, or why we're here.
We are afraid to die.
We see the world as scary and out to get us. We live in scarcity....like there isn't enough food, water, shelter, safety, and money for everybody.
We have a "kill or be killed" mentality. If someone is doing well, then we are not doing well, and it's somebody else's fault, not my own.
We don't feel at home in this world...we are alienated.
We have choices to make in this world. In fact, that is *why* we are here. Are we going to live in fear, and be ruled by it? If so, then we must constantly defend ourselves from the attack of others.
Or are we going to be ruled by the opposite of fear....love?
This decision must be made consciously. It doesn't happen "by default." We have to choose how we will respond this world...through the eyes of love, or the eyes of fear?
FDR said we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and he was correct.
Today, Fox News peddles fear for profits...and it's literally making their viewers insane.
I don't want to be like them.
I'll tell you what my therapist told me: You are required to surround yourself with people who have your back. If you cannot find that within your family--and I cannot--then you are charged with going out to find them elsewhere. 'Cause they're out there.
Go back to the subjects and events that you enjoyed as a kid or teen. Can't play sports because of injury? Meet a buddy at a ball game. Can't afford the ticket? Then grab a friend for a snack in a sports bar and watch it on TV.
Frankly, the idea of walking a park or trail makes me ill. ("I am two with nature." --Woody Allen) So go to the cheapest possible movie matinee with a friend. Book clubs are usually free and the books can be purchased as paperbacks. You'll be with like-minded folks and it won't tear up your disposable income, such as it is.
Go to the games, the clubs, the volunteer groups because you'll find people there who will look forward to seeing you come back. Try to get up the energy to seek them out. Having someone else to focus on just might help you escape the pain--at least for some hours. Having some relief--however transient--beats ruminating on depression and death.
I might consider learning vipissana meditation or some other form. Not one you pay for - I think that is a business, and the technique shouldn't be sold - but from monks or somewhere that isn't a cult, that offers it for free. They are out there.
Having friends doesn't solve all your problems for you. I'm at the point now where even if somebody acts like they want to be my friend, I have absolutely no idea whether they just want money, are secretly disliking me behind my back while buttering me up, or what. I can't tell at all if people are sincere.
I've been dumped unexpectedly by so many people, I couldn't tell what was going on and I can't tell now. It all seems totally random to me. I know it isn't, but I can't tell why. Too much "friendship" seems to involve the exchange of money, and I don't mean sex is involved. More like, "give me money and I'll be your friend until I can't stand it any more." I don't live a flashy life and I don't volunteer to give people money, somehow they just all have "emergencies" and get money once, then it's hand out all the time until I say no and they take off.
I'm another one that thinks, if I had known what life was going to be like, I would have happily missed it all. No great loss. And that is definitely what my family thinks too. They think I was put on this earth to help them out financially, and other than that, they wouldn't even speak to me. They barely do now.
The homosexual goes from one relationship to the next. Because the nature of said relationship is deviant no satisfaction is ever found and the homosexual is doomed to repeat the process ad nauseam, never experiencing the true joys of life.
Behavior therapy with admissions of incorrectness can qualify and revert the homosexual into a productive and happy citizen.
I'm interested in life but at the same time, not scared of death. If I were diagnosed with a fatal disease, I would be fine.
So many here agree with R149. At least 40% agree.
R149, I don't know about that - I've had some deviant experiences that were pretty damn satisfying. But horniness is a near universal, constant, and lifelong male fact of life. So yeah, no experience can satisfy forever.
"I think about life/and I think about death/ And neither one particularly appeals to me!"
r149, loneliness and isolation are not solely associated to homosexuals. These are universal human emotions.
Homosexual relationships are no more deviant than heterosexual relationships.
R149, your hate will not sustain you through this life.
Interesting as the guy who was one of the creators of The Simpsons (Sam Simon) and worth millions is now saying that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's spending his remaining days helping animals and people.
[quote] I'm seeing a therapist, but I haven't brought this up because I don't seem to feel quite this way all the time, and never during our sessions
Then why the fuck are you going? To have an audience for your navel-gazing?
OP is reply R101, R154.
R149 is on a roll today! Gracing us with her racist homophobic presence on multiple threads. So sad that a creature like that is allowed to exist.
OP, Take the gas pipe.
Too much pot smoking (especially speed and crack) makes a person come down and hate life. If you're smoking dope cut back or stop. Same goes if you're a drunk. Alcohol is a depressant same as the above drugs.
Clean your body up and your mind will function normally. You're depressed, lonely, likely isolated, hold contempt for other gay men, you watch too much porn which fucks with your mind.
Turn off the damn TV, computer and cell phone.
Go out into the sunlight and fresh air. Open your window shades. Let the sunlight in. Clean up your house. Find something productive to do with your time. Bake a cake, buy a new outfit, play your favorite music on your record player.
GET YOUR MIND OFF YOURSELF
Oh, who is?
If anything should happen, burn my diaries.
Weird. I'm 50 and wish there were more hours in the day. And certainly more years to life than 80 or so (if I'm lucky).
I've managed to find hobbies, interests, pets, learning opportunities. I love to read about the past, present and future.
I think so many people are living these sterile, safe lives inside condos, watching the beautiful people lead blingy lives on TV. Go out somewhere and look at the stars in the night sky.
When 'the time comes' I'm going kicking and screaming. It's not fair!
I love you 164
R164 I just turned 50 and I wish that I had what you have. It's one thing to enjoy all of those things but I lost interest in my 20's. Not everyone has the capacity for joy and wonder.
Wow. what happened to hemlock harriett. I am same age, same situtaion.
but male. 58yrs. was very attractive, when younger, did and traveled everywhere i wanted to. sleep with most of all the people i wanted to. and then starting in my mid forties i was growing more and more down on things. its true when you have money, you really never know but you come to realize that we do all have needs and most people come to you to help satisfy their needs. lol
But i always figured, actually was going to put in motion to create an animal sanctuary cause i love anmials so much, but now i read even after that hemlock harriett is not happy, I think i am coming close to making an exit, but could not leave my loved animals behind. i am looking for solutions, i will try a big move before i exit, give it a last shot at change
When it comes to substances, then to R29 with persistent pain, I'd recommend medicinal cannabis, if it's legal in your state, and if you can afford it.
R39 , I wonder if the tested medicine was based on some extracted/synthetic cannabinoids.
People without physical pain should avoid smoking weed. But if it's legal (as in, the law legalizing such action is in effect), then always moderate and within the bounds allowed.
Neither should people drink alcoholic beverages, especially when feeling down.
Cigarettes do a lot of damage that does not manifest itself outright.
Those of you who smoke, do not have as good a sense of taste or smell, and this inhibits your sensory experience, especially if you feel that the whole world around you is very dull.
Non-smokers, thefore, have the better senses to enjoy even simple food, or the smell of nature, the trees and the tree leaves.
Those of you who can afford travelling should focus on an extended discovery of nature instead of something like a cruise that visits a new country every day.
Eco-tourism is not necessarily the physical activity of hiking as it's understood in North America, but really the discovery and enjoyment of nature. It's the moment in which you visit a picturesque place and stop to take it in.
R23 said it well, not sure if it was after 911 or what but seems like people are just so obsessed with their looks, money, position bla bla.
i know money and lack of affects us alot. I had alot of money at one time but the economy really messed me up and i just cannot really get motivated like i used to. I even tried drugs and alohol, lol, no one would ever suspect i ever went that far. but that just brought alot of losers into my life.
so, i prefer to be alone which is not really healthy but the people i come across are so fixated on material things and relationships , love, ect. and at my stage of life that just seems so stupid. cause its like been there done that. i wonder when people get into their 40s.. 50s .60s ect. and thy are still really happy, i wonder if they just have been lucky to not have shit happen to them? i mean alot of negative shit has been happening to me past 10yrs, without an end in site. now, if my health, like some disease kicks up, then i will truly just leave the planet, i wont put up with that crap. anyway, taking it daily
Can I request please a thread about a hot jock accused of killing an elder - totally random they say but I suspect maybe a gay angle?
What i can tell you from experiencing the best in life and then after 45. the worst. well maybe not the worst.in life.
but. when the shit keeps coming at you and you are trying to stop it. you just want relief.
I never ever had problem with drugs or alcohol
I suffered a huge business set back and the legal bills and
people chasing after me has gone on for years
I want to go back to normal even downscalled life but people are out for blood. they want money and i have none
so, at some point you just want relief. i can see why people cut themselves or drink to excess. you want to escape the pain. they say god never gives you more than you can handle. well, i tend to disagree. you just need to get away fromm it all sometimes
antifreeze coctail i hear is a good way to get away from it all... just saying