This could be in retrospect as well. Because I was in denial so long, but looking back I do remember my first inklings that I was gay.
I remember it was probably 1980 and my parents just moved into a new house. I was five at the time and there was this kid next door, probably 14 or 16 throwing a football in the air and catching it. I remember being so mesmerized by him and how high he through the ball. And I distinctly remember being really upset and sad when his family moved away a couple of months later.
And of course I remember Christopher Atkins stint on Dallas doing a number on me.
A chippendale episode of The Donohue Show when i was 9.
I knew when I was four years old. I was fascinated by mens' bodies, and I regularly received messages from my environment that I was not like the other boys (such as when I would play with my sister's dolls).
When I tasted semen
I could've written R2's post, except for playing with dolls.
The summer between 5th and 6th grade when I developed a crush on a camp counselor.
Playing with dolls should not preclude you from posting on the DL, R4
When I was 5, we went to the county fair and there were these restrooms that had these urinal troughs, so you could see everyone's cocks when they were taking a piss. So I was about waist-high to this guy who pulled out his dick to take a piss and I remember being fascinated by it. Of course, I didn't realize I was attracted to men until I was a teenager years later, but that was my earliest memory of noticing dick.
I waited until my late 20's to finally start coming out. I haven't told my parents yet, though they have their suspicions. My dad discovering gay porn hidden in my room didn't exactly help matters, but he took me to a strip club to find someone to make a man of me, but it didn't work.
When I was 6 I went to the YMCA pool with my uncle and in the locker room guys aren't very prudish about stripping down and changing, even in front of kids. While I was putting my shorts on, a tall guy stripped down next to me and I just remember seeing this huge (it could or couldn't have been, I was a kid so I don't know) penis in front of me and all I wanted to do was touch it. I remember staring at it long enough that my uncle slapped me in the back of the head and said it was rude to stare.
From the on I just had this fascination for adult men's body, the hairiness, the muscles, all of it.
When I was 5 and had a crush on Frank in kindergarten
I suspected when I was around 10 years old, was hoping it was "Just a phase" by 10-and-a-half, and "resigned" to the fact that I was gay by the time I was 11.
It was the late 70's. It was horrible, because teh ONLY gays you saw were sad and pathetic, or demonized. I remember staring into the mirror saying to myself that I don't LOOK like one of those "homosexuals"... how could I be one?
But I crushed on male friends. Crushed on male TV and movie stars.
And when I finally saw "Jodie" on "Soap", Billy Crystal playing a normal guy who was gay... it was a revelation.
A revelation I kept to myself for 7 long years. I didn't come out until '83 when I was 18, at the end of High School. And that was right into the AIDS hysteria that was being whipped up at the time.
It was horrible. I went from being scared and closeted, to being out and even more scared.
When I was 5. Gosh and I thought I was the only one to know at such young age.
Around 11, I had these weird crushes toward my male school mates, and older guys with hairy chests.
I knew in elementary school that I had an attraction to the other boys that I didn't have for the girls. I simply liked admiring the cute boys.
At that time though I had no concept of "gay", and even finally understanding what gay was, I didn't believe it applied to me.
It was probably in college that I was able to admit to myself that I'm gay, after years of denying it.
I was getting other boys to rub their stomachs against mine at 3 and rubbing my little peen while thinking of Stevie when we were both in first grade.
Didn't know there was a word for it all though.
When I was 14, I found a book called "Confessions of a BiSexual" in the bookstore. I read a little, and it had a sort-of graphic depiction of a coach going down on one of his players. Theimute I read that I knew I wanted to experience cock in my mouth. I had to wait two years, but as soon as I did, I was hooked for life.
'Through the ball"
I knew around the time I was in kindergarten that I was different, by fourth grade I knew I liked boys, not so much understanding 'gay' because that was always looked on as something so perverted. I knew I wasn't a pervert, so gay was dismissed in my mind. Eventually, I figured it out...gay is not as Hollywood and the media portrayed it, and I am just a person that is attracted to the same sex for intimacy. Big damned deal...wish I knew this in kindergarten, life would have been a lot easier.
I guess I knew since I was nine or ten - about the same time my uncle (who lived with us at the time) came out to my parents. He was so scared and I felt that I was going to be in the same deep trouble that he was sure he would be in. Of course, my parents fine with it, but I was still too scared to come out until I was seventeen - and that was with the help of my uncle.
I'm the only child so there were no dolls to play with, R6. It's more that I hated the toys that were foisted upon me by my parents, such as toy cars, etc.
I had to have a best friend when I was nine, and ten, and I was extremely upset that the guy I wanted as best friend didn't want me as best friend. Four other guys volunteered to be my best friend, but I wasn't having any of that. The next year I was trying to make myself masturbate and my female fantasies kept getting replaced by this guy in class who used to look in my eyes right before the end. So I knew I was into guys, mainly guys, but I still had crushes on girls. Nonetheless I started gravitating to guys and when a visiting theater troupe came to school and I had an involuntary erection about the male lead all through it, I was embarrassed. Still, I didn't write off girls in my mind until I was 14, and continued to have a couple crushes until 16 even though I was comfortable about being accused of being gay. I even tried dating a girl at 19, but the equipment just would't work. But after that it was, what the hell, why even bother.
age 18... 1976, rural midwest. I was tormenting my self one night before trying to go to sleep... why did all my attempts to have a girlfriend fail? Why did other normal guys(who I thought I were my friends) pick on me? Why did I feel like a misfit? Why did my dad think that I was an embarassement? The obsessive notions reached a climax and then there was a shattering quietness in my mind.
A voice spoke to me: Well, you're gay.
That feedback caused my body to feel at ease and peaceful and at the same time terrified.
I rolled over and went soundly went to sleep.
in a time long ago in a place far far away
R10 here. I suppose I should add that once I realized I was gay (and had a word and a concept to put on it all), suddenly so many things in my past, back to age 3 (my earliest memories) made sense. It's like my history snapped into focus. And I realized I had always been a gay kid, I just didn't know it.
a long and winding road... my Dad died when I was 8 so I spent many years wanting something to fill that void.
A big brother, a coach, a best friend...anyone!
In the teen years I still wanted it and that lasted into my 20s.
I finally realized I didn't want a father as much as I wanted a "Daddy."
Straight boys play with dolls too. They're called action figures.
When my brother fucked me and the next night I went to his room for more
[quote]It's more that I hated the toys that were foisted upon me by my parents, such as toy cars, etc.
Never had this problem. I always wanted toy military planes, Jeeps, and battleships and that's what I always got for birthdays and Christmas. It was no surprise that I served in two branches of the military.
I was about 13. I blame Herb Ritts' Marky Mark Calvin Klein series.
The Voice of the Night
I didn't there was a word for it, but I knew that I liked boys since kindergarten.
I was 5.
Of course I didn't know what sex was, but I was attracted to males. A girl showed me her junk in first grade (after school), and I remember then how afraid I was at seeing her vagina. So fucking weird.
All right. I was 12. His name was Palo.
We were both in the Legislative Youth Program.
He was a few years older than I: very cute, dark, curly hair, dreamy eyes.
Wow, VOTN, you're much younger than I thought you were.
I don't remember. Do most people remember?
R33, I don't, no.
My dad died when I was very young so wanting a dad to step in kind was always there.
Then puberty hit and I'm still wanting it so it all got very confusing.
But I'll never forget when I knew for sure, that it wasn't going away and that I didn't WANT it to go away.
A charismatic colleague at work, totally secure with himself and totally gay started giving me attention.
It was a hard crush to get over, but I knew I didn't want it to end.
I fell in love with a beautiful girl at 13, but truly..I really knew when I was in the locker room at gym, and the sight of the the young girl next to me disrobing, made me suddenly lose my balance, and fall backwards into a locker.
At age 5. I mean I didn't know what gay was but I knew that I felt something for boys that I didn't feel for girls. But at that age I thought that those feelings were the norm and/or typical. I thought other boys felt those feelings for other boys. As I grew a bit older ( around 7 or so) I realized that they didn't, and that's when I knew I had to keep those feelings that I had secret. And I did that until age 16.
When I first had a dick in my mouth, it occurred to me, there is much meaning in this. It was only later that I realized that the meaning of it was just that I was a slut.
[quote]A voice spoke to me: Well, you're gay.
I hope it was the voice of Paul Lynde.
4, and I didn't think it was different until my brother called me 'gay' one day. When I asked my mother what that meant, she told me it was a bad condition, and that in the animal world, all the other animals gang up on and kill the gay ones. I spent most of my childhood trying to hide it, afraid they'd find out and kill me.
Ironically, R39, humans are the ONLY animals that do that. Which I suppose means that animals are more evolved than humans in some ways.
I was 4 years old when I knew that something was different about me. I developed crushes on older girls and women and I went out of my way to get attention from them. I remember a particular woman, the girlfriend of my dad's ranch hand. I was smitten with her. I would see her on our farm and then try to place myself in spots where she was about to walk by. I would lie down on my dad's truck, for instance, with my shirt open and my cowboy hat pulled low over my eyes. She would see me and absolutely melt over how cute I was. I lived for that attention.
I didn't put a label on my "diferent-ness" until I was in junior high school. I didn't know that "gay" was a possibility for me but I was coming to terms with the fact that I liked girls and not boys.
When I was about 17, I came out.
I knew I was "different" from a VERY early age. I was drawn to girl things. My Little Pony, Barbies (I loved things with hair), Rainbow Brite...loved it! My mom even bought me one of those dolls whose eyes would open and close when you laid her down...which is weird because my mom was never accepting of my gayness. I used to love pulling the sheets off of my bed and making dresses out of them by wrapping them around my body in various ways. I also had a huge crush on my male friend in first and second grade, and I'd go home from school each night and miss him terribly. It was nothing sexual, I just really wanted to be in his presence. I thought about him constantly.
It wasn't until I was in fifth grade that I learned in sex ed that girls have a vagina. I was traumatized. I'd always known they didn't have a penis, but I had no idea they had a hole there! Still traumatized. Anyway, it was around this time that kids at school began asking me if I was gay. I'd tell them "NO!" and I meant it. Then again, I had no idea what that was...I just knew from the way they were asking me that it was something bad.
Seventh grade came, and I finally learned what the word gay meant. I was horrified because I realized I was that terrible thing all those kids had asked me about in such a snide way. Deep depression set in. I used to lie in bed at night and say out loud, "I...am...gay" until I'd cry. This was before gays were all over TV and there was no internet, so I truly thought I was the only one in the world who was gay. Doesn't make sense looking back because if I was the only one in the world, why would there be a word for it? And how would all these people know about it if I'm the only one that exists? But I didn't think like that back then. I just knew that life was going to be a bitch. I was partially right.
You're a doll
You're eyes see all
And how do I make you
How do I make you, wanna see me
You're so young but your feelings are deep
And how do I make you
How do I make you, feel for me...
Funny, but just the other day a straight co-worker asked me the same question - and now that I've read this thread, I realize that I answered him almost word for word what so many have written here: I was 5, but had no concept of 'gay' but always knew that I preferred boys. Later, in high school, did the realization of "I am gay" finally come - but then everything all the way back to age 5 made sense. My straight friend seemed confused and said , "then you knew in high school?". I said, "No, since I was 5".
I never knew because there was nothing to know. I'm a bi woman who has always been attracted physically to both men and women although emotionally only to men. It always felt completely natural. I never felt perverse or different on account of that.
I hate when straight people ask it. It's like they want to pinpoint an exact event, which really is never the case.
And it's usually straight women who ask this.
Yeah r46 it's a really dumb question.
No, it's the usually the straight guys. And there is always that fear in their voice.
If you really want to mind fuck them: if,say a 27 year-old straight co-worker asks you, just say "Oh, I was about 27 and was talking with a co-worker when I realized that I might actually be gay"
They just want validation that they made it past the age of self-realization and that they are in the clear.
I'm a bisexual female.. I've always noticed beautiful women, but never thought about them as sexy per se.. then when I was like 17 or 18 idk.. it was just different. I started to think women are hot, and I felt attracted to women. Everything fell into place.. I've never been the most feminine girl, although I'm not that butch either, I mean.. I do wear make up and jewelry and stuff.. but I'm not extremely feminine or anything. Throughout my childhood I do remember noticing girls, but it wasn't until I was in my late teens that I understood what it meant.
I knew I was a gay when I got the AIDS.
I was like "I likes the girls" but my Daddy was all like, "But I fucked you in the ass and you're poz dude."
I was all like, "But Daddy," and he was all like, "Shut up the name Will Smith, must not be soiled."
I said, but you did that to my ass
I go back much further than the whole "gay" thing. I knew I liked boys when I was 13. But this was back in the mid 60's and we didn't know from "gay". It was "homosexual" if someone was being proper, or a litany of nasty epithets if someone was being crass. It wasn't until I was around 16 and in high school that I finally admitted to myself I was one. Up until then I had just assumed I was in a phase and it would work itself out one day when I was older and I'd end up with a wife and 2 kids one day. But alas, I never had one scintilla of sexual attraction to a female.
What R42 said. Sigh.
I was hoping this thread would turn into dialling the phone with a pencil part 2. Instead it's all so depressing.
Someone talk about their Diahann Carroll impersonation from when they were seven.
I couldn't have been more than 6 or so. Found an encyclopedia with greek statues of naked men. Also found an old book with pictures of naked men posing as greek statuary. I think my old man was gay.
Was your father Gore Vidal R54?
As time went by, I realized I was not alone; when I had the chance to meet Garry Studs (Massachusetts congressman outed in a sex scandal in the early '80s) I had to thank him for going through what must have been a living hell, and if anything good came from it, it was that little gaylings like me saw him and realized we weren't the only one.
I'm so glad to hear other guys post that they knew when they were little kids too! When I was little I had this fascination with cocks - it wasn't sexual, I just really was interested in them. I would always want to see my Dad's, and when we were at the gym pool (this was when I was probably under 10), I would always want to look at other guys' cocks. I would even play pool (billiards) with my Dad and the winner had to strip lol.
The first time I really thought that I was gay was probably when I was 13 or 14, and (I know this sounds corny) I saw Madonna's "Don't Tell Me" music video with the hot cowboy dancers lol.
When I watched HBO's Six Feet Under and saw the black guy that played the gay cop. Up until then I had never seen an image of a black gay person and only thought white people were gay.
When I first saw a Klan meeting on TV and couldn't stop wondering about the thread count of their sheets.
[quote]I knew when I was four years old. I was fascinated by mens' bodies, and I regularly received messages from my environment that I was not like the other boys
Me too, I always knew.
I knew for a fact by the age of 5, that I was different from the other boys. I also knew I was not a girl.
I do sort of remember that moment when I thought to myself "oh, I'm gay?!?!?" and being very upset that this was the explanation for my unusual childhood behavior.
In retrospect... I was in first grade. We had two first grade classes. I lingered outside my class every day to look at my girl crush walk into her classroom. I was always overly charmed by her.
"I would even play pool (billiards) with my Dad and the winner had to strip lol."
No one else thinks this is weird??
I also had the strong sense of being different than everyone else at a very young age. Things which just seemed to come naturally to every other boy--like ability and interest in sports (stereotypical, I know, but in my case: true)--were total mysteries to me. I had a a rageaholic father whose words could blister you in less than 30 seconds, and I knew at a young age that to be anything that he disapproved of was to invite disaster. My survival fears had me so repressed that anytime the slightest indication came up that I was aroused by males, it immediately was whisked out of my mind and replaced by behaviors that were inexplicable to me.
For example, there were certain boys who everyone else liked that instantly flustered me, and gave me adrenaline-fueled trembling (this is *before* puberty, btw). I would stammer and stutter in the presence of these boys, and I would instantly despise them--without any idea at all why I was acting this way. In those occasions, my reactions were as much a mystery to me as they were to everyone else.
It wasn't until I was an adult who was comfortable with his gayness (after a looong and difficult journey) that I realized what each of those boys who flustered me so had in common: they were all athletic or handsome or incredibly well-built! My prepubescent brain was registering arousal, and instantly throwing up alarms and shuttling those messages away from my conscious mind. Incredible. Unbelievable. But true.