Minus all the drama of the thing, the flakiness is off the charts.
First date: friend of friend, wants to have phone sex before we meet, demands that we meet, then flakes out at last minute.
Second date: flaky professor who is not completely over the ex - though breakup ended over a year long period terminating 9 months ago. Posts an ad to have short term relationships/hook ups. Now wants to keep me around to date later when she's not all fucked up wanting one night stands (offered the option of the one night stand or this.) But she's not even having the one night stands! I like her, she's interesting and funny, but what are her odds? Two dates with this one so far, another one probably soon.
It's most mysterious. I always used to just meet people in person and if I liked them, asked them out. You have to get through their little glowing screen first now. And through that particular little looking glass, they all seem flakey.
And these aren't 23 year old baby dykes. These are grown women, obsessing about astrological signs.
OP? As far as I can tell, most lesbians are crazy. You are very lucky if you can find someone to date who is even remotely self-confident (without being cocky), self-sufficient (emotionally as well as economically), reasonably attractive, and has a sense of humor. Plus, lots of lesbians have substance abuse problems.
Many lesbians like to run in packs and only date women within their own social circle. That's the insecurity I mentioned above. They're afraid to meet new people and don't want to go outside their comfort zone. They have the emotional capacity of 14-year-old high school girls.
After a lifetime of dating, a few bad relationships, and one really good one that ended abruptly, I have simply decided to be single. I am completely content. But I'm in my 50's, going through menopause, and don't have any sex drive at all for the first time in my life. So it works for me. But if you're younger, that might not work for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world, OP.
R1 has just outlined exactly why I, too, am single and will likely remain that way. Finding a really wonderful gay woman has, thus far, proven impossible.
Though, I would change "the emotional capacity of 14-year-old girls" (above) to "14-year-old boys." This has seemed especially true of the under-30 lesbians.
thank god i landed my college sweetheart!
Doesn't sound any different from the flaky gays I have to deal with where I live.
This makes me sad. Why all this fighting for marriage when most folks can't find a good date on a Saturday night?
Straight women I know complain about the bizarre behavior of men they meet on the internet, if it makes you feel any better. Dating is a challenge and computers have made it more, not less, unpredictable.
I am a genial, polite, presentable lesbian who is not interested in breathing down the phone to strangers, pulling outlandish power trips, or dating anyone in my social circle. I have friends who are the same. R1's shrill Negative Nancy pronouncements aside, we are out there. Be patient and perservere and just laugh off the weirdos. Best luck -- enjoy the chase.
I find it very interesting. I wonder if the internets have made us all flakier, or if it just allows us to express that flakiness right up front.
I mean, I'll totally cop to my own flakiness, but it doesn't extend to refusing to date someone with an incompatible astrological sign or being upset that someone prefers to exchange photos by email to posting them publicly.
Still, compelling. I'm going on another date with Girl #2 if it happens. Just to see what weird thing happens this time.
It's another one of those basic gender differences -- the boys need wide open spaces over which they can roam, while the girls do better in already established societies [bold]not of their own making.[/bold] These would be places such as schools (high school, college or grad school), workplaces, or interest organizations.
I don't think most "lesbians" are crazy. Most people are crazy.
OP, professor in what discipline?
r9 nailed it.
[quote] not completely over the ex - though breakup ended over a year long period terminating 9 months ago.
They're not the only ones who are weird, OP.
Look to yourself!
So did you have phone sex?
Why so many grown women look like little boys?
Dress like boys, act like boys, and get boy haircuts?
How does that equate with being a lesbian?
I'm not knocking it, it just seems odd. Because really, wouldn't lesbians be attracted to feminine women? And if lesbains like butch, why would they go for a little boy look?
Doesn't that border on pedo?
I think some young lesbians want to be boys. In any case, no woman should dress like a boy post college.
just start dating straight girls. I know, it's what we have all been warned about it but really, it's the way to get laid.
Most straight girls are looking to dip into the lady pond, albeit briefly.
She'll likely move on later, which is kinda what you want. The two of you should just be up front about it.
I have never dated lesbians because it is just clingly and claustrophic--lesbians all know each other, gossip about others, are mean to each other, jealous, and ornery. The lesbian community was always horrid, anywhere you went.
That doesn't mean that lesbians are bad, not at all. Most are great people, as individuals. But it's the "commmunity" that is fucked up.
either date lesbians who don't make it their identity too much, or date straight girls.
Though I am not attracted to butches myself r15, people should be allowed to dress whatever they want at whatever age they want.
I second what r6 and r9 said. Everyone, and I stress EVERYONE, has a crazy side. OP shows her flaky side by dating the weird college professor, despite thinking there's something wrong with her. I'm not insulting OP; just stating a fact. If you think something is weird or crazy, why would you expose yourself to it? I would like to know, OP.
The trick to dating and connecting on a long-term basis is finding someone whose crazy side meshes with your own. And don't even try to say, "but I really don't have a crazy side." That just shows that you lack insight into your own personality. Trust me, you have issues that someone in this world would find disturbing or flaky or whatever you want to call it. I say this as a woman who has been involved with my share of crazy and exhibited my own flaky tendencies.
I'm single now and there have definitely been times when I've wondered if I will meet the right woman for me. But I think, instead of labeling all lesbians as nuts, it's more accurate to believe that people are just doing the best they can to get by in this world. Life is really hard right now, economically, politically, societally. I try to keep that in mind. And I try not to date women who are incompatible with me and where I am in life.
Oh goody, some lesbian drama to perk up my lazy Sunday...
[quote]First date: friend of friend, wants to have phone sex before we meet, demands that we meet, then flakes out at last minute.
You should have punched-and-deleted as soon as she requested phone sex. Even *men* aren't that sex-crazed.
[quote]Second date: flaky professor who is not completely over the ex - though breakup ended over a year long period terminating 9 months ago.
How long were they together? I'm sorry, but it takes women A LOT of time to get over an ex, and that's assuming they even *can*. I know plenty of women, gay *and* straight, who still pine for someone they dated over a DECADE ago. In any event, she's made it clear that she's looking for a fuckbuddy right now. Since that's not what you want, you should simply tell her (nicely) to give you a call when she gets her shit together, if she's still interested in something more serious by that point. In any event: you should've punched-and-deleted this one as well.
It seems clear, just from your cursory post, that you don't yet have an effective "internal warning bell" about whether or not someone has enough initial red flags that you shouldn't even bother investing any time, literally or emotionally, with them. You can't "fix" anyone besides yourself, and that's a lesson too many women learn way too late in life. I agree with R18 that everyone has a little bit of crazy in them; the question is how, or if, they've learned to deal with it in an effective manner. Know going in, however, that many people simply can't change in a substantive fashion. Once a flake, always a flake, for instance.
And please, ignore R16's advice. "Straight/bicurious" women are the most fucked-up of the bunch. Good for sex and sex only, sure, but HELL NO on dating them!
You sound like a good catch, R18. :)
OP, I recommend you read Terry Castle's book of autobiographical essays, "The Professor." The title essay is about her affair, as a graduate student, with a crazy female professor who seduced and abandoned her and played the most wicked mind games. It's wonderfully entertaining and will make you shudder.
I was just sitting here lamenting that I'll never find the right woman for me. And this thread makes me feel worse.
OP, everybody is in the same boat: lesbians, gay men, straight women, the only exceptionbeing the world of hetero male douchebags. They are too dumb, superficial, and full of themselves to realize how dire the prospects of finding somebody normal to date are.
Thanks for your post. Now I don't feel so bad. I think the only reason people in the past had such long relationships is because they had relatively low expectations or were incredibly lucky. Hard to find sexual and emotional compatibility, along with similar values and goals.
I don't know. I agree we're all a little bit crazy, but I also think there are plenty of (still a little crazy) sensible, smart, funny and well-adjusted lesbians out there.
I am one. I am dating one. I was in a long relationship with one.
Keep looking, OP. We're out there. But we don't tend to move in packs. The pack-mentality ones tend to be the most nutty.
I wouldn't date either of them, OP.
I agree with R18 who makes many good points.
It's true that most people are in the same boat. These past few days I've found myself thinking that I'll never find the right guy for me, and strangely, I'm OK with that possibility. I'd rather be alone and independent than in relationships with assholes who treat me like shit (been there, done that - twice).
Oh, I agree with R25 and R27
Sane, alone, moved to a town where I know noone
If you're on OKCupid, just remember: curvy doesn't mean pear-shaped. I learned that the hard way when I couldn't recognize my coffee date. Also, curvy + head shot = fattie
I'd rather meet people in person.
r10: social sciences, which is what's funny. I'd expect flakier out of the humanities (as a humanities major myself.) She is not one of the astrology obsessed ones. I've passed on those.
r18 makes good points. I should clarify that I don't think there's anything *wrong* with her; in fact I think she's pretty hot, very smart, and also quite busy, all of which is good. She's engaged in her life and with the world. It's the flakiness of dating, I think. I've never done the internet dating thing before and it is somewhat fascinating, if frustrating.
I'd get the "I just want a fuckbuddy" thing if in fact she didn't tell me she wasn't actually doing the fuckbuddy thing, asked if I wanted to do the FB thing, and then asked me out on further chaste dates. As the kids say, WTF?
r29, that is a universal, I think.... is "curvy" the only option on okCupid, or do they have a "chubby" option? I deleted my account with them when they kept recommending married "bisexual" women.
And I would be much happier meeting people in real life. Unfortunately that seems relatively impossible these days.
I think university professors are mentally ill. I'd avoid them.
On OKC there's thin, fit, athletic, average, curvy and a little extra.
I agree that it's weird shopping for a companion, but I know normal ppl on it who have found other normal ppl. Life's too short to be a snob.
Love to hear from the sister 'mo's.
OP, you sound altogether normal. Good luck.
But why so coy?
Why not say Psychology or Sociology?
Because I'm not trying to invade her privacy, r35. This is a small world.
It's not THAT small!
I'm right there with you, OP. I'm relatively sane and don't hang out with the normal gaggle of lesbians. Nor am I BFF's with all my exes. But I've done the online dating thing and met one potential datable girl who then proceeded to send me email after email telling me how afraid she was of meeting me and how much she hated online dating. Big red flags went up and I called off the first date because I am not fond of manifestos.
I'm perfectly fine with being single, even if that means for the rest of my life. I haven't given up, but I realize that finding someone of quality is rare. So many lesbians seem so afraid of being single that they latch on to the first person who seems interested. That's not me and never will be. Maybe I need to lower my standards, but fuck that.
R21, I love you for the Terry Castle recommendation. It's screamingly funny.
Yes, I thought The Professor by Terry Castle was very funny, too.
I found Terry Castle to be incredibly annoying.
Crazy professors LOL!- I've met alot of crazy/mean/difficult ones in Women/Gender Studies. Its almost a stereotype. Alison Bechdel even has Sydney the amoral jerk Women's Studies professor in the comic strip Dykes to Watch Out For.
Thought I'd gone? Well I aint!
The OP is right; many lesbians are flaky... only a few of us are not screwed up! Although....
I am happily partnered now, but the flakiest lesbians I knew were academics or capital F feminists who analyzed everything ad nauseam.
Hey Lucy, do you live in London? Is it difficult to find good women in the over 35 range?
what's the best way to meet a sane Lesbian in NY? at the Dalloway? I'm newly single
You should see the flakey lesbians on okcupid dating site... listing 25 requirements to contact them... you must be a 96% match to contact me, then 25 lists after that, writing mini novellas about themselves. ridiculous! And then NO DRAMA please in CAPS at the end of dating profile.
LA here - come and get me girls! I'm not flakey!
R47, I just joined that site, and it's been interesting to say the least. One woman I encountered has 2 boyfriends (both married to other women) and is looking for a serious open relationship with a femme lesbian. Now, the thing is she wants an open relationship (on her end) where she can keep her 2 married BF's, but doesn't want said femme lesbian to date anyone else. Oh, and she rocks the scale clocking in at about 350. Not to mention the requirements of said femme lesbian (must be a fit strict vegan, reptile lover, and have at least one legible tattoo).
I did meet one normal girl on the site, well as far as I can tell from our communications, But seriously, some of the profiles there scare me.
I do like the site in a way because it's free, unlike Match etc, and I there are some cool girls there, but you have to be very flexible in location, and you have to sort through a to of profiles to find remotely cool ones.
Just my 2 cents. I've only been on the site a couple days.
R32. As an academic, I would have to concur.
R41 The book was fun for awhile, but by the end I thought she was just as screwed-up as the professor.
Fear of dating in the lesbian world is partially what's keeping me in a long past its due date relationship. I'd like to think there are other sane, attractive, non-overweight femmes out there, but based on what I see and hear, I'm dubious.
It's really tough out there R41. I haven't really attempted to date since my last relationship, but now I am sort of seeing what' s out there, and I am certainly NOT thrilled about my prospects.
It makes me feel like I will be single forever.
I don't mean to bump this thread, but I can't start a new one. Has anyone here tried Match or Plenty of Fish? Are they a better alternative than ok cupid? I'm just your average lezzie, far from being "all that", but I'm just looking for a nice normal girl who doesn't live hours away. I'm in a major metro area, shouldn't be a problem, right? Well it is. The most interest I've gotten are from girls, that are really not my type, many look like men, goth looking types, the women are Bi, or they are couples looking for a threesome. Not that there is anything wrong with any of those things - but it's just not my thing.
Is there any site to go to when you're just looking for a nice normal girl?
[quote]Is there any site to go to when you're just looking for a nice normal girl?
Doubt it. You have to separate the wheat from the chaff like everyone else on a dating site.
Let me know if you'd like a thread started on lesbian dating tips or whatever though I don't know how many lesbians are on this site.
R54, thank you, a thread on lesbian dating and tips would be great. I use to be a paid subscriber here, but definitely don't frequent DL as much as I use to - so I've yet to renew my membership.
I hear you, R53. I'm an average-looking (and fine with that), fairly feminine lesbian looking for the same. Such a gay woman is surprisingly hard to find. Lots of straight women fit the bill, but I don't want to mess around with them. I've tried some of the dating sites mentioned -- okc, pof -- with no luck. Lesbians who are one or some combination of the following abound: butch, covered in multiple tattoos or piercings, morbidly obese, looking for a non-monogamous relationship, FTM, goth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things, but they are not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend or partner.