Fuck bio parents, fuck 'em right in the ass

How do you get over asshole parents? I have tried, but it hurts. I went to the funeral of a friend's mother last week. The kids got up and spoke about what a wonderful, kind, loving woman she was. (she really was an amazing woman..) I sat there and thought how I could never, EVER say that about my mom. I can't even get a Mother's Day card for my mom that doesn't sound fake. Of course everyone else thinks she is a saint.. and I'm the bad guy. My brothers and I know what she is *really* like. Ugh. Anyone else? Any advice?

[quote]Any advice? LET IT GO and move on with your life. Lord almighty...
your%20mother
Matricide
She said you'd be needy and neurotic, OP. I'm glad she clued me in.
Sometimes the closest and the best family you'll ever have is the one you purposely choose. Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you share values, and that they're not toxic to your well-being. My personal "guru," whose beliefs my friends and I closely adhere to is Steven Kalas, "Human Matters" from the Las Vegas Review Journal. His column on Tues and Sun can be found online. He is a former Episcopalian Priest and a MFCC. To me he seems humble, logical, practical and has a lot of advice on how to deal with dysfunctional families. Hope it helps.
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[quote]How do you get over asshole parents? You don't get over it. It will always be painful. You just have to learn to deal with it in a positive way.
Estranged%20from%20my%20abusive%20parents.
telekinesis
C.%20White
Tell her in a moment of candor that she is the only reason you are homosexual and that you can never forgive her.
Your brothers and you are the only ones who can judge her as a mother, and it sounds like you're in agreement. Nobody else is in that position (I'm assuming you don't have sisters) so they can only take her as they know her. If your brothers know how she is, then you're not the bad guy. Realizing that your parents aren't going to repair the relationship they made with you is one of the harder things you find out as an adult. Fake not caring what anyone else thinks until you actually don't.
R1 wins. THREAD CLOSED
Don't worry, OP. Some day you and your brothers will graduate from high school and be able to leave your mother and grow beyond all this, just like everyone else.
oh please r1/r9. Don't be so superior. Most people spend their entire lives dealing with what there parents did to them consciously or unconsciously....positive or negative stuff from childhood make us who we are and it is always there.
I just cut mine off, OP. My mother blames me for her having to drop out of high school (she was pregnant with me) and get married in 1958, and she's been taking it out on me ever since. And the more successful I've become, the more she hates me (or, as my therapists have said, is jealous of me). I am almost 54 years old. I don't have time for people who treat me shabbily. Life is too short. She's had a sad life, but she's never made a move to do anything about it. Her loss.
Contrary to R5 you will get over it if you choose to get over it; otherwise you live in the past and allow your mother to control the way you feel.
I grew up hating my father. We had nothing in common, he drank too much, and was just an all around douche. But he worked hard. He paid for me to go to college, something that a lot of kids didn't have. Money doesn't equal love and quite frankly I just don't think he understood how to deal with a kid who was so very different from himself. I don't remember when I stopped hating him. I guess at some point, I just did. We aren't close, we barely have a relationship, and I see him maybe once or twice a year. He knows absolutely nothing about my life and I know very little about his, but I no longer hate him. At some point, you just let it go I guess.
But [bold]HOW[/bold] do you let it go? I had a shit childhood, with an abusive drunken father and a screaming bitch mother. Fortunately, Mom changed into a better person once she left Dad, and she's now a wonderful, loving, helpful person. Dad's dead, so I don't have to deal with him at all. But I still have all these horrible memories! And hurt and anger and resentment, and I don't know how to let them go!
Therapy, r15.
OP- therapy and learning how to let go. You have one life- live it as best you can and not in the past. Many do, who have been abused. They even learn how to forgive which essentially is what sets them free. I am not a Christian at all- but that little lesson of Jesus forgiving mankind its sins as he died, is one of life's greatest lessons when practiced successfully on an individual basis- he was on to something, and how. Good luck. I really mean that.
All I have left is my father and I don't speak to him at all. I cut off contact about a year ago. He tries and tries to get back in touch. I refuse to acknowledge or talk to him. Find it kind of funny that his natural born son and his two step daughters can't stand him. My last words to him were that I hope he dies a lonely old man. And it's looking like that is coming true for him.
LuciferTheLightBringer
R15, Not everyone was lucky enough to get "The Brady Bunch Family." I'd have preferred "The Addams Family." Strange I know, but at least they supported each other; didn't see any evidence of emotional abuse. What those born into more "normal families" don't see is that just as wild animals raised in domesticated environments cannot be returned to the wild, they lack survival skills, we have life-long difficulty forming our own positive relationships. Counseling never worked for me; it was too simplistic. Just talking about it never worked, as I wanted "the magic answers." I resent people who say "just get over it;" they're clueless. What was better is to meet those who had comparable stories and to find out HOW they survived. Or to get involved in helping those less fortunate. That's why I'm following the Scieno threads so closely, especially when they discuss kids raised in this abusive cult. That is all the kids know, so how could they thrive in "the real world?" Read up on those who escaped Mormon polygamy, and other bizarre cults. Most important, build an iron wall against those that put you down. Instead feel sorry for others who have so little sympathy, and don't realize they're being extremely emotionally abusive. I hope this helps.
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How come every person who says they have asshole parents is an asshole? It's YOU dude, it's you
I only have my mother left. My childhood was quite fucked up, and I'm surprised that I didn't get taken away from her. However, I understand how fucked over by life and family she was, and when I was a child she was very mentally unwell. It doesn't always go on forever. We're very close now, and although I ended up being a fucked up, self harming teen who didn't work and took drugs, and got in relationships with fucked up, abusive men, it's changed. I'm in a very happy and equal long term relationship, things are great with my career, and I have my fucked upside pushed somewhere far away.
agree with R19. Had a horrible, abusive childhood and the damage is to the core. My siblings are fucked up too - one was in jail for animal abuse and the others are just unhinged.
How? Well, I'd start with therapy to talk it out and begin the healing process.
My father cheated on my Mother, married his mistress, and expected me to fall immediately in love with her. His new wife treated me like shit and father sat back and went along with it because he wanted his trophy wife to be happier than his daughter. Mom died a short time later and it was expected I move in with him. I was 15 and decided to run away from home. I hated them both. I had low self esteem, an inability to trust people, and became a cutter. At 21, I started therapy. He told me I did not have to forgive my father. I was in control of my own life and to make healthy choices for myself. I reached out to my father, who instantly called me crazy and kept asking "what did I do? The new wife and I treated you like royalty"? To say this enraged me is an understatement. My therapist told me that my father is a narcissist and will never admit to his own poor choices. He said I have two avenues: Limited time with the old man or cut him from mt life. I chose the latter and have no regrets.
What kind of therapy, R15(or others)? In theory therapy sounds very good, I just don't trust or agree with the methods of most therapists.
[quote]Counseling never worked for me; it was too simplistic. Just talking about it never worked, as I wanted "the magic answers." I resent people who say "just get over it;" they're clueless. What was better is to meet those who had comparable stories and to find out HOW they survived. Great points, R19.
When you hit forty it looks really lame to blame your parents for your problems. And yes, I respect that many people had horrific childhoods, and will need a lifetime of patient love to help heal them. Still, once you hit forty, you can't continue to blame your parents for your problems, unless they have mutilated your body. What we can do is to separate our early painful memories from our adult lives. We can put it behind us. We have to move on, because if we don't, we become crazy old people.
Also, having anger and resentment after forty wears on the face. It shows and gets stuck in our expressions. If you are a vain person you need to get rid of your residual anger. I notice that I wake up with an uglier face if I have been dwelling on past hurts the day before. It is downright shocking as to how it ages me.
do it for your looks
You people should know R15 is a pedophile.
Actually R19, you do just get over it. I realized at age 32 that I could not change the past nor could I change my mother (I had cut off my father years earlier). I could allow my parents past transgressions to keep on hurting me by dwelling on it or I could stop giving them that type of control over me. I cut my mother off for three years to fully heal from her toxicity and now I deal with her a few times a year. The first time I re-established contact she made a few passive-aggressive comments that hurt me deeply. I was actually stunned that she could still do to me. However, I reconfirmed my resolve and she no longer has that power over me. BTW - counseling should never only consist of you just talking. Your counselor should set specific goals with you and actively work with you to find solutions.
R30, IMHO you get through it, you never 100% get over it. And sometimes it's past to completely get away from it. Setting mutual goals? Never worked for me. Reading Steven Kalas, LVRJ, (online,) on dealing with toxic families, led to greater understanding and mental freedom.
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R24: I lucked out in one respect. After my mother died my father remarried. And the woman he remarried and while I was a bit resentful at first she turned out to be a lovely woman. She kept my father in check for 21+ years until she died. Once she was gone my father remarried a woman who wasn't able to keep him under control and that's when the shit hit the fan.
LuciferTheLightBringer
I agree with R27, but I would lower the age limit to 30 where you need to handle your own shit and quit wallowing in your shitty childhood.
R25 Is this based on experience or what you assume?
My bio-dad is/was a raging alcoholic who faked a war injury so he could get VA checks and rarely have to work. Didn't share what little money he had with his wife and kids, spent it on dope and drink. Forced my mom to pay for the divorce with her own money. She had little (but she worked hard for it), still she did it. He rarely contacted us after that and never paid child support. When I came out to him at 17, he told me I was a disappointment. Cut him off then and there, 25 years ago, and I couldn't be happier to have him out of my life.
Hugs [...]-[...].
R30
I never met my biological father. He must be around 70-80 now, if still alive. I might have walked past him on the street without either of us knowing. That's probably for the best... long story I'm too tired to recount, and my actual father that brought me up in my youth (he died when I was eight) was a far, far better father.
R36, Hugs back and thanks. Plenty of fab people on DL. Humor and intelligent threads too.
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bump
I had terrible parents also but heaped onto that, I had two older siblings that were awful to me. They ganged up on me constantly. I was also the kid at school who was hated by all and bullied. (I had a car accident when very young and had a facial deformity). I would get off the bus after a terrible day at school with no safe haven to go. Someone asked me a few years ago if I could go back and change anything. I said no right away. I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm not perfect but I am kind, caring, and loyal. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt. (I did have plastic surgery in my late teens which helped but my siblings are still assholes after all these years).
OP = Horrible awful child no parent could possibly ever love
Adult child of narcissistic mother here: the sooner you realize and accept that your parents will never be parents, the sooner the better. Don't confuse this, however, with continued acceptance of their behavior toward you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to limit contact, if not cut all contact completely. Pop psychology has ingrained in us that if the other person just understands a little bit what they are putting us through, they'll change and we'll all end up warm and fuzzy in a great "kumbaya" moment. Well, that just WILL NOT happen with a narcissist. Remember, the angrier you are, the more they win because your anger stems from a focus on them . . . which is what they want . . . to be the center of your life, like they are the centers of their own lives. They really don't care if that focus is negative or positive, as long as they are the focus. Pretty sick.
Anon
Answer to [15] or OP How? [R1] [R9] [R16] got the big IT. Just start doing the process, take the first step. You answered your own question, do you realize that? In your post title. A parent that F...s over their kid, bio or otherwise, is F...ed Up themselves. They for whatever reason didn't break the cycle in their own life. You unfortunately and involuntarily got sucked into their F...ness. That is not your fault. You've waken up from it and see it, don't stop there! Your closer than you think to be done with that BS! Slice through the inertia rope. Keep going, get yourself propelled forward and never get stuck again in the quicksand you're in now. OP, yes, you DID get terribly, not fatally, wounded. You have all the validation you need to know from your bros. Other peoples opinion of your mother has nothing to do with you, she wasn't their mom! If this issue is taking up space in your valuable life, then, consider it your personal business to address in life. To close and heal this wound is the always the same. Wounds ARE supposed to heal, you're the one that isn't letting it. Remove the dead infected past (it's over now it can't hurt you anymore, don't you let it!). Let it dry up, scab falls off, wound gets smaller and smaller til you purposely don't think about it anymore. You're more interested in your by far interesting and fun future. You graduate to the better terrific person you've alway been. You're done! That unfortunate thing that happened to you isn't interesting to you anymore. It was never about you to begin with, you REALize that before you leave earth. Yes, it can be done. Do it. Life really IS too short to let this big but single thing fill up your brain. You owe it to yourself, your bros, & friends that love and appreciate you. Doing whatever it takes to be finished with this horrible shit is worth doing ASAP! No kidding.
I love you R43
Me heart you, too [44].
[quote]Adult child of narcissistic mother here: the sooner you realize and accept that your parents will never be parents, the sooner the better. Don't confuse this, however, with continued acceptance of their behavior toward you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to limit contact, if not cut all contact completely. This is very true. I remember, as an adult, overhearing my aunt tell my mother in a moment of candor, "It's just a goddamn shame for all your kids that D-- can't love anyone but himself." I had always known that to some extent, but hearing it spoken made it much easier to be around my father at family occasions -- and I'm the only one of his kids who has anything to do with him.
Another vote here for letting it go. As long as you don't, your parents still have their claws in you. They are out of your life, and don't have a say in how you live your life. It's tough, I know. They _are_, after all, your parents. But your life is yours to live and you need to jettison them. If they are at all concerned for your well-being, they'd agree with that.
If you take ginseng all of your bitterness and resentment will vanish. Ginseng is amazing, and works on the parts of the brain that replays bad memories. It is an adaptogen, so it will cure anything that ails ya. The Chinese have fought wars over ginseng and notice how they all revere and take care of their elders. That is because they overcome their resentments through GINSENG. *DISCLAIMER Pleae consult a doctor before taking Ginseng. Always do research before taking any herb or substance. And always be careful about mixing herbs with other medications.
Not OP but: "Remove the dead infected past (it's over now it can't hurt you anymore, don't you let it!). Let it dry up, scab falls off, wound gets smaller and smaller til you purposely don't think about it anymore. You're more interested in your by far interesting and fun future." …sounds lovely in theory, but as I've fucked up my life irrevocably by being the avoidant, socially-retarded creature my parents made of me, it's hard for me to take solace in this. The self-esteem they shattered by not giving a shit about me— "What do you mean? I gave you life! We put a roof over your head, we sent you to a good school! What more do you want?" —means that I have no friends, I'm only a few bar hookups away from being a 49-year-old virgin, and I've been unable to have any sort of a career, ensuring that my currently broke and unemployed state will lead to (around February) homelessness and (I can only hope) suicide. My parents hated me, I hate myself, everyone else hates me. Realizing that what my parents did is in the past doesn't really help much. The damage is done. (Yes, yes, not everyone hates you. Stop being so dramatic, you lazy fucking fat ugly loser. Get a job, you worthless piece of shit! I know, Mom.) So I've completely cut myself off from them (they haven't known where I am since last September) and, for all I know, Dad might be dead by now. (He had cancer.) So what? I still suck. Nothing's going to change that, ever. Pardon the venting; I do that sometimes.
Won%27t%20live%20to%20see%2050%20%28I%20hope%29
[R49]. I sympathize, my parents weren't the worst, inept not at all interested, would be giving them a compliment. Both intensely negative, and completely ignorant of their effect. All three of us are major depressives, and my brother is additionally a pariinoid-schizophrenic. All three of us are on psychotropics to be able to function, for life. Of course venting is necessary. And hell yes, you've done right to cut and run in the opposite direction. I moved 3500 miles away when I was 20, it was the best decision I could have made. Stop feeling bad about doing whatever you need to do. They obviously didn't waste much of their energy on you. The best they could come up with is the "I gave you life" BS! Means absolutely nothing. Those ARE the lamest, empty words a parent can say. Shows exactly, who they are. Semantics of Reality vs Theory, sounding lovely, isn't the point. You're letting THEIR vile tapes play in YOUR head. Thoughts are powerful and can be changed. Can means POSSIBLE not easy. Not everyone has the capacity, or belief to be able to work it out. One step at a time. Peace out.
I can't offer much help, R49, but I offer you hugs and good wishes.
r15
My brother said the same thing. Then when our mother died, he cried like a little baby and gave a speech about how wonderful she was. Of course, when she was alive he referred to her as crazy and didn't speak to her for 2 years. Death changes everything.
[R1] I second the motion!
The more I deal with my mom the more I feel the need to cut her out of my life, she turns everything around to her..constantly. If I ask for advice she'll tell refuse to give it then make it about herself and say when she was 22 she'd never ask for advice. I guess I'm just at the age where I'm starting to see my parents as they've actually been all this time.
Two of my cousins got up at my father's funeral to talk about what a great guy he was. Which he was, to everyone who didn't have the actual good fortune to live in our rage-steeped home. They were the sons he wished he'd had instead of me, is all I can figure. Neither of them, after all, was a Big Fag. I quite relate, OP.
((Hugs r49)). If u can, get a pet. A dog or cat gives unconditional love and you'll have something to love back.
I had a very narcissistic mother who was always criticizing me, occasionally hit me in anger, and was always yelling and screaming at me and my father (who was very passive and completely dominated by her; he died in his 50s). The good news is that now that she has been dead for 10 years, my anger gradually dissipated and I remember her without pain and with some fondness even for the good parts of my childhood (exposure to culture and her affection when I was a small child). The bad news is that it took until she died (at age 89). I'm pretty happy most of the time now (in my 60s!) My advice is to be healthy and outlive your parents. Sounds crazy, but it worked for me. I had years of therapy but as long as she was alive, she was the albatross around my neck. Learn how to be kind to yourself--sappy, but what choice do you have. Narcissists (as others have said) don't change and will never love you in the unconditional way that a child deserves. It sucks. Hang in there.
Excuse me, but I have my own problems.
Mariah%20C.
Then don't get her a mother's card. And don't generalize about bio parents, simply have and own your own feelings for yours.
A lot of people are mean and fucked up, then they have kids and create more of them. If you grow up surrounded by that you really suffer and it takes years to get away from it. The best thing is to physically move far away.
Fucking them in the ass is something you do to people you don't like?