My 36 year old twin sister is dying. She has inoperable cancer. I am having a nervous breakdown.
I cant stop shaking or crying. I haven't consumed anything but nuts and wine in two days (less than a bottle of wine a night trying to get to sleep). I can't sleep. I am in a fog, and can't concentrate. I feel 'drugged' and lightheaded. I was thinking that I should see a dr, but do drugs help for 'situational' anxiety attacks? I don't want to get hooked on benzos or anti anxiety drugs.
Don't be an idiot. You need a little help right now, till you can accept this. It does not mean you will get hooked. Take them for a few days or a week until your mind can get used to this. Are you doing your sister any good while you are falling apart?
These tragedies shake us to our core. You need to be with your sister. She may be of more help than any medication. Just getting to her will help you more than you can imagine. Doing, is the return route to normalcy.
My heart is with you, but I doubt my feeling will be of any real help.
Xanax. If you get hooked, you can get unhooked with a doctor's help later. But if you can't pull your shit together now, you are of no use to anyone. Lay off the wine. Alcohol is a depressant, and will only make you feel worse. Take a Benadryl or Tylenol PM if you can't sleep.
No drugs but get some help, talk therapy or just go to your sister. Eating nuts and drinking is useless.
Something like ativan would work for a situational anxiety situation like yours. I had a trauma a few years ago where I couldn't eat and the ativan helped me start eating again and sleeping again which helped me deal with what was going on more clearly. It takes a lot of use to get addicted. A pill every now and then may help you focus during the initial stages but do see a therapist too. I'm sure the loss of a twin is a greater loss than most of us can even imagine.
You know, because your siter dying is all about you and your drama.
You need to get your shit together pronto because your sister isn't going to be with you much longer and she may appreciate having an anchor of normality in her life right now. You will have all the time in the world to be a hysterical mess later.
Not to be trite, but your immediate needs are a good meal and fresh air/sunshine. Maybe exercise that gets you sweating and using muscles to push out some anger and frustration. Repeat until you understand: THIS TIME IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
I'm so sorry OP.
See a doctor, start eating properly, and stop drinking wine every night.
Your heartbreak is made so much worse by getting trashed and being hungover and malnourished every day.
I imagine your sister needs someone strong and stable in her life right now. Not the mess you've let yourself become. This isn't about you right now. It's about her. So pull yourself together.
Please! A little Xanax or valium won't hurt for a week or two. Stop being foolish. We all need a little help at times. Why would you get hooked over a matter of a few days? You may even need them longer. When you no longer need them, taper off. People do it all the time.
I'd be quite fucked up if I consumed nothing but wine and nuts for a few days. Drugs definitely help you to get through a hellish phase of life, but you need to anchor yourself with solid nourishment. Otherwise, how do you know how much of the lightheadedness is trauma and how much is because you've turned into a wine-and-nuts borderline anorexic alkie?
Sorry to be so flip. Can't imagine your situation... I do hope you consult a doc, but definitely also get on a solid footing ASAP with nutrition/meals.
You have it too, you know.
All this drama is bs. I've had two brain tumors in twenty years...and I currenty have a third but there are no symtoms. Live your life and check out when they can't fix things.
OP, please see R6 and R7. Is this how you want to spend you last days with your sister?
Your sister is such a fucking cunt!
How could she die on you like this?!?!
Making you eat nuts and booze.
So sorry OP.
I know some of these answers are harsh but it's more important than ever for you to take care of yourself. If you're not hungry try shakes and soup but stay healthy for your sister.
The longer you go without solid food, the harder it will be to swallow.
A family scare put me in your shoes a few years ago and I made it all about me. It was humbling and I had to apologize to a lot of people.
Buy some non-condensed soup and some Benedryl. Since you deadened your hunger triggers, you'll have to start eating at the same times each day.
Also, don't forget to bathe.
The disgustingly fun thing about cancer is that your sister will have plenty help offers right now. Those offers will dry up as people get increasingly uncomfortable being around her physically.
That's when she'll need you - if only to address the daily phone calls or to get her out of the fucking house. We tend to quarantine people with cancer.
Also, depending on her strength, you may want to look into mobility scooters. My mother enjoyed running people over at the supermarket when she was dying of ass cancer. In the last fifteen years, those scooters have become cheaper and easier to transport.
[quote]My mother enjoyed running people over at the supermarket when she was dying of ass cancer.
I love that. Thank you.
Ativan will help, situationally. Talk to your doctor.
Get it together, OP. Your sister needs you to be calm. She'll pick up on your anxiety. Get some meds.
You should also get checked out by the doctor.
Assuming that this is not some kind of DL mindfuck, everyone is right. It's not all about you. But a good deal of it is about you.
Falling apart, drinking and starving yourself is of no help to your sister. You are of no use to her in this state. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure place the oxygen mask over your face so you can assist others." You have lost cabin pressure.
And, your family and friends don't need to be worrying about you. Not that they will, because they have a bigger worry on their hands.
"My mother enjoyed running people over at the supermarket when she was dying of ass cancer."
When my father was dying of various cancers, the only thing that really held me together was DL and my demented sense of humor (thank you r17. I love that too!) The pointless bitchery (even when directed at me) gave me a place to escape to.
So man or woman up, get it together and get in the game.
Stay away from drugs. All they do is mask and dull out your feelings. The last thing your sister needs is a drugged out, chemically lobotomized twin around her as she dies. People who use drugs to keep from feeling are no use to themselves or anyone around them.
People have always died from cancer and their loved ones have always been in pain watching them. You can do this, but you need to start taking care of yourself.
Begin to eat regular meals. It may taste like sawdust but you need the nourishment. When you get too stressed, take a walk around the block.
Love your sister and love yourself during this time.
How did OP get to be 36 and completely unable to deal with life?
It's like being in hell when you find out a loved one is ill and maybe dying. I totally understand where the OP is coming from, no it's not about him, but the feeling of fear and dread and sadness can really be overwhelming and immobilizing.
I'm so sorry, op.
Hugs to you and your sister.
So sorry, OP. Yes, drugs can help tremendously. You won't be a zombie and you won't get hooked on anything. Talk to your doctor right away. Stay away from alcohol and do your best to take walks or get some kind of exercise because it will help you cope mentally as well as physically. Take a number of deep breaths. Sounds silly bit it is effective. Wish this could be less painful for you but if you do your best to be what your sister needs right now, that will be comforting to both of you in the long run.
[quote]I totally understand where the OP is coming from, no it's not about him, but the feeling of fear and dread and sadness can really be overwhelming and immobilizing.
For a brief time, yes. But then you pull yourself together and get on with things. You can't just *feel* all the time. You have to grow a pair and get on with living. Be there for the people who need you.
I'm going through the same thing, BTW. My older sister is dying and she's signed a Do Not Resuscitate order. One more (inevitable) heart attack and she's gone. Yes, it's painful. Yes, I've shed tears. And yes, I wish it wasn't happening. But it is. Strangely, there's a kind of relief in knowing that her suffering will soon be over. We now know how this story ends. We now know what we can and can't hope for. All I can do now is be with her and her family as much as possible. It's going to hurt when she dies, but I know she'll finally be at peace.
In the mean time I still have to go to work every day and look after my responsibilities, including my own health. It's called being an adult.
She wont be at peace, r28. She wont be AT anything. She'll be nothing.
You really are an idiot, R23. You know nothing.
[quote]She wont be at peace, [R28]. She wont be AT anything. She'll be nothing.
And I thought *I* was being a cunt.
Pills are fine....why I've had three since this morning
Take another pill, R30. I'm sure you'll feel all better.
I've buried far too many loved ones and I've gone through most of it clean and sober. You might put mommy's little helpers away and try it sometime.
The difference in going through an experience like this with and without drugs is that the drugs take away the highs and lows but they also prolong the misery. You get to feel a little less but you feel it for a lot longer. That's not a tradeoff I want to make.
I'm sure the twin sister would prefer to have the authentic, non-drugged version of her twin around to go though this with her.
Where is the cancer, OP?
Get a hold of yourself!!!
Jesus F Christ. It's OP's twin sister. They sibling loss is the worst. I can't imagine a twin at 36 fucking years old? Of course you're a wreck OP.
I would think long and hard about the xanax. Benzos are fucking hell to get off of and you'll be addicted before you know you're addicted. How addictive is your personality? On a scale of 1-10? I loved xanax and it helped me survive a very tough series of deaths in my life but I found myself abusing it and if you take xanax, you'll def have to cut out the wine (damn, I'd still kill for a bottle of wine and a xanax bar) If you can handle it and can put them away when it's time, you might want them so that you can have some quality time with your sister.
Just be there for your sister. The ONLY good thing about cancer is that you have some time to talk. You won't be able to say or do everything that want you want to but you'll be able to say a lot. I'm so, so sorry for your impending loss. It sucks. Fuck cancer.
R28, thanks for your post and perspective, you've made some good, thoughtful points - it helps to hear from someone facing the the loss of a relative in a realistic way.
Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. I wasn't going to go in to see my physician precisely because I KNOW it isn't about me. I am ashamed that I am not stronger. I made an appointment tomorrow afternoon to get help. From my research online, it sounds like Valium may be slightly less addicting than Xanax, so I'm going to push for that. My sister has Pancreatic cancer which has metasticised to her liver. I will probably have to be her caregiver at some point, because she is single and we have such a close bond. I need to get my act together.
Op sweetie. So sorry. When my mom was dianoised I went to dr and went on antidepressant. Worse time of my life. The meds helped
OP, I know this is a hard time. There's no shame in utilizing the options available to you (i.e., mediation); however, you really owe it to your sister to be there for her during this time. You can't really be of much use if you're drugged up or an emotional wreck. I'm not saying you should hide your emotions and put on a face of stoicism...just don't let depression get the best of you.
R33...such a holier then thou. People like you make me sick. You can hear about sickness and death and do just fine. Why? Because you have no heart. Don't break your arm while patting yourself on the back.
R33 probably thinks the patient should go without medication too. God save us all from people like you, r33.
This is about your sister until it isn't and then you can go into self-pity mode.
Be everything you can be for her. Now.
It can be about you later.
Make her the star for now.
Maybe some of the posters on this thread are not aware that it's possible to feel horrible and still survive. Going through nightmare emotions is part of what happens when someone you love dies.
Your emotions won't kill you, idiots. It's what you do with them that kills you.
Keep on taking your mommy's little helpers so you don't have to feel anything.
OP...so sorry to hear your news. I have twin grandchildren...boy and girl.
The Tibetians think it is the responsibility of the living to help those who are dying to ...die or cross over.
I think one of the books is The Tibetian ARt of Dying or something like that.
Once I read it it made me realize that it is just the end of the arc of living...you know it takes nine months for a baby to be formed before birth...dying can be just as gradual.
Embrace the time you have had and the time you two have left. Treasure her and let her know that you will help her.
R44 you are ignorant about the medications that are available now, their indications and how they affect most people. There is no reason not to use them in the same way we take analgesics for pain. We can and do survive all kinds of horror, but there's nothing admirable about it in and of itself, hence the human tendency to constantly work to make life easier and more comfortable.
If you're the same sex, become a living memorial. If not, convert.
R23/R33/R44 has been posting this sort of trash all over the DL. All in all it adds up to an anti-Semitic Scio freak. Avoid it.
vitamins, exercise, and a slow witted star struck 26 year old virgin should do the trick
r23,r33,r44 (jumping on sofa)
A xanax isn't going to make anyone loopy. It will keep OP from having this days long panic attack. Some people are such shitbags.
Hope she drops dead soon, OP.
r51, you are sick.
When your stomach lining is being eroded because of grief, it's time for medication. I'm really sick of the ignorance that is being displayed here.
If nothing else, get some weed.
All the best, OP. Ignore the assholes on here. I think it's great when siblings have close relationships and feel this way about each other. I don't have a close relationship with my siblings, and I wish I did. Cherish what you have as well as your sister.
Lighten up, OP. It's not like your cat died.
I am so sorry to hear of your distress and the condition of your sister. This is heartbreaking, and you did the right thing by postin your concerns here.
You need and eserve support for others. Please feel free to update us on your issues.
Now: you need sleep, proper nutrition, and kind words. Your sister needs you to comfort her, and she should get clear, sober eyes from you in her final days. You will remember these last days for the rest of your life, and the time you spend with her. It's probably okay with her if you cry.
Man, some of you are really horrible people.
I'm sorry OP, that is so sad. I'm a twin, and I get it. There's just a bond. There were 2 boys and 4 girls in our family and while I love my other siblings, my twin is just a part of me.
Just be there for her. And be strong. You have to be the one that says everythings alright. You have to be the calm one. I know it's hard, I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just make it easy on her, let her know everything's ok. If she's scared tell her you will take care of her and for her not to worry. And yes, you can take xanax without getting addicted. You can do this.
No drugs - earrings, caftans
OP, I am so sorry for what you're going through (and I am sorrier for the amount of snarky comments people feel free to give!)
It must be especially hard being a twin. Please don't give up all hope; sometimes "inoperable cancers" aren't fatal right away; a friend of mine's mother works with a guy who was told he had inoperable brain cancer; 8 years later he's still alive. My best friend had stage 4 colon cancer; 6-1/2 years later he's still alive. Etc.
But if the ends is really near for your sister: my aunt, many years ago when my mother's breast cancer returned after less than 2 years and spread, and spread: my aunt sought out therapy. And it helped her deal with what was coming for my mother.
Depending on where you live, OP? Like, any sort of city, or even smallish town: there are often "caregiver support" groups. Whether you are (able to be) your sister's primary caregiver, or if she will be contiunuily hospitalized, I imagine it might be helpful to be around people similarly situated.
The various posters who caution/encourage you to take care of yourself so you can be "there" for your sister, are right. It's easy to make someone else's disease/misfortunte, etc. "all about you" WITHOUT remotely meaning to do so. I have this tendencey myself; get all upset about things that happend to total strangers and neglect thinking sensibly and taking care of myself to be good to my family.
But I completely understand your feelings and you have all my best wishes! My aunt wept and wailed (we're Irish!) at my mother's funeral; I was touched but perhaps the slightest bit puzzled; i figured the weeping and wailing would have been more the province of myself (drama queen at the best of times! and VERY close to my mother), my brother, my father: but my aunt said something like:
"you wait till/if your brother dies first and you'll understand how I feel." And I felt bad, and alwayss remembered that - like a "litter mate" sort of thing (if that makes any sense.) I only have one siblinb, my brother, and yes, if he goes first I wil be devastated - and you know what? that's normal!
I am truly hoping for a miracle for your sister, OP; failing that: reach out to people: other family members, friends, even people at work - and it was very sensible of you to post here, too.
I heart OP
What an awful situation. My heart is with you. Listen to others; eat, stop drinking and get some meds - they will help & you're going to turn into an addict over this. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling...but get yourself together so you can be there for your sister. I'm glad you reached put here; the cunts on this thread don't need your attention - just take care of you...and find a way to be there for your sister...
Well that sucks. Sorry, OP.
I guarantee once you get to your sister's you will forget about your anxiety. You will be too busy making yourself useful to your sister. Isn't that right, OP?
Make a list of things you can help her with and remember that you will have to help with her death and aftermath. But start with how you can help her get through this - inform yourself and meet her medical care, gather pictures, videos and things you want to remember together, what amuses her and how can you make those things available to her, who would she like to see or talk to, and other practical and living things.
After you need to discuss her death and what she wants and needs done medically, legally and financially. Does she have a will, are there things she would like to go to specific people, etc.
You will be very, very busy, OP. It is amazing how you will forget yourself completely as you help your sister through this journey. It wasn't really until after my mother finally died that I even allowed myself the luxury of wallowing in my grief. You can do this for your sister and yourself and you will.
[quote]My best friend had stage 4 colon cancer; 6-1/2 years later he's still alive. Etc.
I know every case is different, but this is really comforting to read. My sister has been diagnosed at Stage 1 and I was going nuts. Once you get into the "stages" it's terrifying, but not necessarily a death sentence apparently.
[quote]My sister has Pancreatic cancer which has metasticised to her liver.
OMFG. I'm so sorry, OP. Please do everything you can to help yourself so that you can at least appear to be somewhat strong for your sister right now. When you're feeling sad or anxious or scared, come back and post here. We can help you through this. And ignore the obnoxious twats.
Considering that r1 (trolldar) can't even cope with an internet disagreement, I would take her drug-pushing advice with a grain of salt.
Many people get through difficult situations without meds, OP.
Freaking out for 48 hours is normal. Now dump out the wine, try eating healthy, getting outside and seeking out a friend before you run to the doctor.
I was prescribed ativan for situational anxiety and I didn't become an addict.
This is a very difficult time for you and your family -- you will be very grateful for the time you had with your sister when this is over, so concentrate on being there for her. And it's no disgrace if you need a little help from the medicine cabinet initially.
OP, so sorry to hear about your sister. I have a twin sister also and would be devastated if she had cancer. I lost my older sister to cervical cancer 15 years ago and it was a horrible 2 year ordeal.
I wish I had known about some alternative therapies before my sister went the traditional chemotherapy / radiation route. You might want to examine the work of Dr. Nicholas Gonzales (who I believe is based in NY) and call the clinic I have posted on my link to find out the success rate for your sister's cancer. God bless.
I can sympathize with you. I lost my sister 12 years ago to cancer. My sister knew she was dying, but all she wanted was her family around her. So we put on a brave face and gave her the best three months of her life. We never broke down in front of her. We acted like she had the common cold right to the end. We laughed, reminisced, listened to her favorite Al Green songs.
Its tough. But you must dig deep to the core of your beliefs.
The body dies; the spirit lives. My sisters spirit has guided me many many times since she passed. And now that both my parents have passed on, I know they are together.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Mary! or not, R67's post made me cry.
Wow. I am a twin myself and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. To have a twin be sick or pass away must be the worst thing imaginable. It is like losing not a part of yourself, but is like dying yourself.
You dont need drugs. Speak to your twin. She will be supportive and most likely be more worries about you than herself (I would be if I was in her situation). Although I will never know you, I feel your pain and coming from another set of twins, you will get through this. People dont understand that losing a twin (or potentially loosing a twin) is 100 times worse than loosing a loved one. God bless, my friend.