Dating a Recovering Alcoholic

People who are addicted to alcohol and drugs are usually masking something deeper. If the person has addressed their issue, and is working on living life and being a productive member of society - I don’t see a problem with it. People get all whacked out about dating someone that is in recovery or had a problem in the past. There are good people in the world who have turned their life around and deserve to be loved. Shunning someone for their past could lead you to miss out on something really good. As with any situation - I would proceed with caution. Many people go through many "tries" at recovery. Life is difficult. Period. No one and nothing is "perfect".

In general - I find the AA adherents to be insufferable after a while. It's like some kind of religion, and the followers have this air of "generosity and understanding" that just doesn't ring true when you get to know them. And frankly, dealing with addicts (recovering or not) is like dealing with a child. It's all about them when they're using and it's still all about them when they're sober.

Speaking as someone who has been sober for 19 years, I personally think dating within a year of sobriety is very unwise.

Getting sober is a journey, not a destination. Stopping the drug is easy, but healing all of the pain that was behind the using takes many years of hard work. I've never met anyone, myself included, who became a drug addict or alcoholic because they were coping well and emotionally healthy. It's the opposite that is true.

Many people who become sober fall off the wagon because they cannot or choose not to deal with the root causes of the addiction, which often includes depression, anxiety, trauma, abuse, childhood issues, etc. In addition, staying sober, at least in the first few years, is a full-time job and having a new romance is very distracting.

Just my two cents.

OP

I am in Al-Anon and here is all I know which may or may not help you.

Pick a rather relaxed moment where you can initiate a conversation as to what lead him (I assume you are not a Lesbian and am sorry if I am wrong) to drink and then just delicately go from there.

I'm in Al-Anon, too... all my major relationships have been with someone who was, or turned out to be, in recovery.

OP, if that's not you, then you're probably fine dating an AA in recovery. Like r3 said, dating someone in recovery during his/her first year is probably a bad idea, though some people may take longer.

Just keep it casual right now and you should be fine.

OP and others on this thread; There are recovering alcoholics and addicts around you every day- at work and at play- you just don't know it. You sound a bit like homophobes describing gay men and lesbians with authority.

I have a number of friends in recovery and nothing about them particularly sets them appart other than that they do not drink or do drugs. That's all. 12 step programs are not remotely about spreading a lifestyle or set of values to anyone- they are ONLY about getting and staying sober and helping others to do the same- those that want to. The word anonymous (as in AA) generally means just that- those in recovery are encouraged to remain anonymous about themselves and others in recovery, although there is no requirement or rule to remain anonymous about oneself. I have found that most do, at work and at play.

OP, decide for yourself about this fellow and for heavens sake do not listen to your friends. The only people who really know about alcoholism and addiction, are recovering alcoholics and addicts. Not even a lot of professionals, unless they specialize in addiction, really know a lot about it.

Run, don't walk, away from this guy as fast as you can. These people are totally weird. A long time ago, I had a dear friend who called me one day and blurted out: "I'm an alcoholic and I am calling all of my friends to tell them this as part of my AA program". I was like..fuck...I have only seen you passed out on the dance floor at Studio One just a couple of times. I never knew you were an alky. After this, he wasn't any fun anymore..it was like going out with a preacher man. While I sympathize with these people, they are total bores after they "dry out". I mean what do you talk about with a recovering alcoholic while you're swimming in vodka gimlets and they're talking about "current events"?

OP, why not ask your college friend who's in recovery what she thinks about you dating this guy at this stage in his life? She has whatever her own experience is to draw on, plus what she's learned from & about others going through the same process.

Best of luck, to you & the guy who's recovering.

You sound like the bore, R7---a superficial, immature, dim witted bore.

Just expect to be left out when you go out with your partner and his AA friends.

Um r9? I think r7 is what we affectionately call 'taking the piss.' Get it?

One of my close friends is in AA and he's great. I've never dated someone who's recovering, but I wouldn't kick this guy out just for that.

I think of him as someone who's been through a lot and taken control of his life, which I respect.

You might as well just run now. It will return. Believe me I know.

Thanks for all of your replies. He's past his "year" benchmark, which is why he started to date, for the record. I'm just going to go with it. He's not preachy, is very funny, seems kind, and we have tons in common in terms of interests. He's also incredibly attractive...haha. I guess that trumps all!

Thanks again, DL!

Not enough time has gone by. Have him look you up in a year.

Invite hime over, have alcohol around, turn up the stress. See what happens.

OP, I dated someone for a few years that was a recovering alcoholic. He was and is a fabulous person. He never ever preached to me. He had been addicted to drugs and alcohol for 12 yrs straight. He was a pharmacist and used every single day of those 12 yrs. He went to rehab many times over the years. WHen I met him he had been sober a little over 2 yrs. He hasn't used in over 10 yrs. I was the person who messed up our relationship. He made me a better person because he had already worked through his problems and just wanted to live a good life. Give him a chance

In the gay world, you have 2 choices: date an active drunk or someone in recovery.

My experience has been, it depends on what kind of recovery process they go through. I was in a long relationship with a man that was 12 years sober when I met him and he had no issue with me drinking or partying, except he thought I was spending too much money on it all. From what he and his long term friends told me about his drinking days, this guy was DEEP into drinking and drugs. Like waking up and not knowing where he was and how he got there sort of thing. He got clean totally on his own, no AA, no therapy. I also dated a guy that was in AA albeit briefly. He was insufferable. That he was in recovery became his whole focus in life. He was forever saying things by starting, "as a recovering alcoholic I feel...." He was also constantly trying to convince me I had a problem (I like to have a good time, but it has never impacted my job, my financial obligations or my driving status) All his friends were from AA and they would badger him to end it with me. "He drinks! He smokes pot! He leads an unhealthy life!" they would shriek, all the while downing gallons of coffee and chain smoking cigarettes.

It's too soon for him to be dating. A year of sobriety is not enough time for the healing process compared with years of addiction nor deal with his emotional issues.

Try to get him to relapse!

So many recovering addicts have the mistaken conception that they are more noble than the rest of us.

Caution is in order, OP. Early recovery (and a year is early) can be filled with pitfalls for the addict and you don't want his problems to become your problems.

Keep it light and casual.

Why does every gay I know in aa chainsmoke?

I dated a man for almost 3 years long distance...which were also the beginnings of his recovery using the AA program. We had met in high school and then re-connected after he became legally separated from his wife 18 years later.

We wanted to first see each other as much as we could, but slowly his AA life started to become his main focus and we were not as much of a priority. He played sports, coached sports, went to 2 or more AA meetings weekly, served on an AA board with conferences/meetings twice a month, met with his sponsor, went to weekly meditation, and then also wanted to try to find someone to sponsor. It felt like he was addicted to AA instead of drinking. He also chewed tobacco and refused to go to the dentist because he knew he'd have to get surgery--always saying he wasn't ready to quit chewing even though he knew it was bad for him. He could never plan ahead or use a calendar--he mainly focused on one day at a time as someone in AA had recommended to him. He lost 3 jobs during the time we dated which he said was never his fault. He was very self-focused and jokingly admitted that it was, "all about him." He never once wanted to celebrate our anniversaries, but he always made a big deal about achieving and receiving his anniversary "chips" from AA and carried them in his pocket. In the 3 years we were together, he devoutly hated his ex and wanted nothing to do with her ever again...but yet he couldn't afford to finalize the divorce and didn't make it a priority even 3 years later. He was always a very funny and very caring man...but was quick to lose his temper by yelling and cursing if we talked about topics he didn't want to discuss or if he was tired from a long work day and didn't want to talk about serious topics. He said when he was a drinker he hid his over-drinking so well from many of his friends and family that they never knew he had a problem. He seemed to gush over his 2 cats (that I ended up adopting) more than he would gush over me (unless we were being intimate.) I was blissfully and stupidly head over heels in love with him and wanted a future together. He would talk about us getting married, moving in together, talked about planning our big day, but he never wanted to commit to a timeline or a goal even though we were both nearing 40 and both wanted to have kind in our future.

After a death in the family, we planned for a trip together for me to see my extended family and I talked about how excited I was for him to get to meet them. I payed for us to have a day at Disney in both parks and in fact I financed most of the trip. It was our first week-long trip together. After returning I was still so in love with him and talked to him about moving to the same town so we could be together more. He said it was something to talk about but that we shouldn't be in a rush. Almost 3 weeks later, he ended our relationship over the phone after yelling at me for making plans for him when I invited him to join me on a date night with friends during a visit I had planned out 2 weeks in advance--having to trade shifts with multiple co-workers and also fitting in plans with family.

I was, (and still am) heart-broken, devastated, and confused wondering how he could just throw away our relationship and give up on us after talking about having a future together. All I wanted was for us to be build a life together while it seemed he was more focused on his AA program commitments. Although he said he still loved me, it still doesn't make sense to this day--that after 3 years of going out of my way to be patient, understanding, non-judgmental, loving and supportive and wanting to be married...I feel like his focus on AA (while a seemingly positive and helpful program), led him away from having a healthy relationship. He never even knew what he lost out on while trying to focus so much on himself instead of trying to also work on maintaining a new balanced lifestyle. I ache missing him every day & haven't let go of the hope that he'll wake up realizing what he threw away. Unfortunately it may only be a dream.

R25, get a blog and get a shrink. You think your story make you look like a martyr, it actually makes you look like a clingy moron, trying to buy a boyfriend.

OP, one year out of addiction is probably too soon. Recovery takes a lot of work and ruthless focus on himself and his problems. It's probably not a good time to date him. If you choose to continue, just be aware and be careful.

Agree with R26, R25. Just because he didn't choose YOU doesn't mean he chose AA instead of a relationship. Seems obvious that he decided you weren't for him after you spent a whole week vacation together. He finally had a chance to see what it would be like to be together 24/7.

If someone is in recovery, "living in the solution," they probably have more of their shit worked out than the average person. They know what they want and what they don't want. They've amassed support in life for what they want to accomplish, etc. They are monitoring their behaviour. I mean there are a lot of people who never admit their addictions or get help so AA or any other 12-step fellowship isn't necessarily a deal breaker.

A lot of people in recovery do talk about how they've hurt and disappointed others, etc. At one point, I think it's Step 8, they have to make amends. I would be interested in them, in their story, particularly when they hit rock bottom and how many casualties there were. You have some right to know that.

It's not like their recovery is some side point, OP. For them it is primary. I don't think you can have a relationship with him and not be involved. It's not just his issue. It will become yours. But it doesn't mean he's any worse than anybody else or unfit for a relationship. Like I said, he's probably very aware of his own issues and tendencies, unlike a lot of other people. I do think you should abstain from alcohol if you're going to date/have a relationship. It's not very supportive to be drinking around him, making him go to bars or having alcohol in the house. I mean, think about it.

I'll drink to that!

Go for it, OP. The non drinkers I know are a lot more fun and dependable than the party crowd. I have several friends who, either through aa or SMART Recovery, or on their own, are much healthier mentally, than they were when drinking.

R26, you're cruel. You should see a therapist.

There is nothing in R25's post to suggest she's a moron. She's just love sick and accommodated this man beyond reason and expected some reward for that. Instead, she accelerated the end of that relationship.

R25, we see through your story and you do have some problems for which you should seek some help and support - but only because it will make your life more satisfying and you will be far more likely to start and maintain a more productive relationship. You just need some perspective on yourself and what you're doing. But that's no reason to allow yourself to be disrespected and R26 has their own problems. Good luck.

I'm not afraid of your addictions. I know how wonderful you can be.

You have no idea what your getting Into - I dated a recovering alcoholic/addict for a year- what a nightmare!!! There is a spiritual side to addiction - they are totally selfish it's all about them! Manipulative liars! He lied about everything!! Said he was sober but lied! Addicts have mental problems that don't go away when they are sober. They don't see reality, live in fantasy worlds, moody, go from depression to arrogance- RUN!!!

I have two friends who are recovered alcoholics, both sober over a decade. They both told me they used alcohol to control anxieties. They still have a lot of anxiety, it would be exhausting to deal with on a daily basis. I feel for them, they are great guys but they would wear me out if I had to spend much time with them.

run

[R25] Its was all about him. It was *always* about him

[quote]Seems obvious that he decided you weren't for him after you spent a whole week vacation together. He finally had a chance to see what it would be like to be together 24/7.

Yep.

It sucks, R25, but that's what happened.

Btw, if you're nearing 40, you should strongly consider the fact that you probably won't have kids [or any more kids]. It's a biological fact.

R25 is a truly pathetic frau. Stupid, deluded cunt.

What a bunch of gin soaked pricks there are on here. Give the guy a chance. As someone else said, it's better to date someone in recovery than a practicing alcoholic. The few people I know in recovery are not preachy. I used to go to the bars with one years ago and he would drink pop. He went cold turkey and said he was " just done with drinking". He used to be a blackout drunk and I would always be getting him out of trouble. The other went to AA and when asked his opinion about someone else's drinking, he would say it wasn't up to him to judge.

R25 is the typical Frau who thought he would change for her.

I've been sober for six years thanks to a secular recovery group called LifeRing and a lot of therapy. I wouldn't date someone newly sober or someone in AA. In my experience AA is a cult and you are simply replacing one addiction with another. Addiction is a fear of life and usually rooted in trauma. Until you unearth and deal with those issues you are still sick.

R25 My situation is totally different, but my emotions are very much the same at the moment. Take care. As R36 said, it was always about him.

OP, do give it a chance. You'll know if he's not for you, and that will probably only peripherally have to do with whether he drinks or not. Enjoy it, sounds like you really like him.

It's funny that you guys post to someone who posted a year and a half ago, i.e., R25.

Apparently R33 dazzled with their 11 exclamation points and people like myself followed.

Thank you R43, for reminding me to check the original post dates.

At least buying a rond f drinks would be cheap.

We're all damaged goods. Some of us drink, some take drugs, others are just complete assholes 24-7. Welcome to life.

Yes, this is an old post but it's still an interesting topic which reaffirmed some things in my current (now past) situation. I was right to drop the guy I liked.

As in - yup, it was all about him all of the time to ridiculous ends. If he was into something, great! If he wasn't - he wouldn't even try. He was the most selfish person I had ever been with and it just didn't make sense.

Also, as someone else touched on, he lied all of the time. I have never met anyone in my whole entire life that was that manipulative. If it came to even small, insignificant things, he'd find a way to lie about it or leave out something. It seems like most people didn't catch on, it except for me, of course, because I was around him so much. Having a conversation about the simplest relationship issues sucked so much energy out of me.

A good friend told me that just because he is sober doesn't mean he'd get rid of his old habits. In other words, he'd gotten so used to lying to people that he just did it automatically.

Never. Again.

Way too many people trust way too much the "external" voices in their heads.

As long as you're not one of those people who keep on offering drinks, you know 'just a toast because it's my birthday' and 'i don't know how you do it' or 'this bordeaux is divine try a t least a sip' , it can work.

Don't - he will resent you having a drink and be no fun. For example my new father in law (mom married a recovering alcoholic), she can't drink, we can't drink when we visit, can't flambé dessert in brandy, can't eat anywhere tavern-ish, disparaging remarks about anyone who drinks & must attend aa meetings daily no matter where they are. He has sucked all the fun out of her.

I agree with other posters about the cultish AA folks. My brother is a recovered alcoholic and has been sober about 25 years. He went to AA for a while and it was really helpful in his early sober days. But he said after about 2 years, it was just the same people going over the same things. He wanted to grow and move on, so he stopped going. He felt like too many people made it a crutch and had all these absolutes they insisted you follow, like don't ever hang out with anyone who ever takes a drink, even if they are just mild social drinkers. Not that everyone in AA felt this way, but many did and tried to impose their ideas on others, hence the cultish aspect of it.

Teetotalers are cheap dinner dates.

After 16 years of being sober, my ex-partner fell off the wagon and life was a living hell for the next two years. I tried to get him back into recovery but he became so violent and angry that I feared for my life.

His relapse was triggered by the death of his mother in 2005. My sweet, kind partner became a raging monster. After almost two years, he took off on one of his week long drunks and when he returned, I was gone forever.

I'm presently dating (and living with) a recovering alcoholic. We met one year after he became sober and have been dating for about a year. I drink occasionally/socially (but much less than I did before I met him) and he says he doesn't have a problem with it. One obstacle that I'm facing in this relationship that has not been present with others: I find that it's difficult to make new friends together as a couple. He often wants to hang out with friends he has made in AA. These friends constantly make jokes about getting wasted and talk about the program all the time when they get together. Sometimes they even refer to me as a "normie". As someone without addiction problems, I find it hard to relate to these individuals and enjoy their company when sobriety/AA is constantly a theme in conversation. I love my bf and support him going to AA because he says it really helps him to be a better person, but I often think of how a relationship with a person without any addiction issues could be much easier. In the end you have to go with what makes you happy and is best for your life. I wish I had answers to lots of the questions and doubts I have as well. Reading this thread was interesting.

An insufferable lot, they're on par people who do Crossfit. No one cares.

I've been in recovery since 2006 and have been in a stable relationship with my partner since 2009. He doesn't drink or drug but has come with me to open AA meetings to see what the program is all about. He LOVES AA and the positive outlook and advice of its members. Go with this guy to an open meeting; it will help remove the mystery of and misconceptions about recovery programs.

Run for the hills and never look back. Chances are in favour of the guy resuming his drinking and when he does your life will be ruined. Run, run NOW.

YOU REALLY CAN'T GENERALIZE!

Not all are lying, manipulative, controlling, narcissists who will relapse.

If you like someone, and they seem sane, don't let Recovery be a deal breaker, unless you have men falling all over themselves to be in your presence. You're NEVER going to find "flawless".

However, early in the relationship, take a good look at this person for those deal breaking behaviors, because there are some that are insufferable.

They say people in AA had and continue to have fun, self-involved as they are.

And people in Al Anon are stressed out worriers who have no fun!

Neither are true..

Sadly, after my beloved bro-in-law died of alcoholism at 49, my sister took up with a guy in recovery who is much reviled. She likes that he is active. He was a trainer; marathon-iron-man-something; athletic. They travelled around the country, and to Africa. But the dark side - he's a truly sick man. Other than Sis, he is disliked or worse by everyone who meets him. We sometimes toss around psychiatric terms carelessly, but then you meet someone who really is sick, and you realize what these term mean:

He is a hypochondriac whose problems flare-up at family gatherings, ensuring that every second of the event, like my Dad's 80th birthday party, are about this ass, until such time as he makes my sister take him home. Broken collar bone; COPD (now recovered from this incurable condition); MERSA; gall bladder; lymphoma; depression; maybe heart something. Probably more, I forget. So, that makes him a manipulative narcicist, too. He just wrecked my trip to Florida, by dragging Sis home due to a gal bladder problem. I had planned to spend the week with them, but got stuck there without even seeing them. He is broke and mooches, too.

He is never violent, though, and he loves Sis. Counting blessings. But I wish she shopped around more when she was single.

Ive been sober for 17 years and time typically has nothing to do with someone being ready to date.

I have seen guys with 20+ years who are total whack jobs and guys with a year who have worked hard and got their shit together.

It's the old cliche. You get what you put into it.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and we met in AA. Its the best relationship Ive ever been in.

Having said,that you don't need to marry the guy OP. Have a couple of dates and see what happens.

Let us know.

My ex has been in and out of recovery that everyone has lost count. Two nights ago he was ringing my door bell at 3AM screaming in a drunken rage about how dare I forget his birthday. He left me two broken windows. Think of this when you're on your next date.

This is a great board because it shows how impossible it is for most people to look beyond anything other than their own experiences and bad decisions. Look at R62--"I dated a psycho, think of that next time you're on a date with a completely different person!!!" R62 isn't alone--there's tons of other people who dated addicts and drunks and suggest your experience will be exactly the same as theirs.

Go ahead and enjoy your time with the guy. Create enough of an honest relationship so that if he slips up, he can tell you. And if he can't get or stay sober, that's the time to bail.

You should also familiarize yourself with the various types of personality disorders that exist--not all addicts have these disorders, but some do. Learn a bit about them (I'm suggesting a 10-20 minute reading session online), see if that's what you're dealing with in terms of this guy. In that case, you might want to bail.

This is a great board because it shows just how many apologists for alcoholics and druggies there are out there.

Where do alcoholics get the sense of entitlement from that after leaving a path of destruction the world owes them endless opportunities to turn more and more lives into a living hell? They are always asking for that one more chance and they almost always fuck that up, and want another, and another... Why do the apologists think it's perfectly fine for addicts to destroy another human being? There is always a request for compassion and understanding towards those afflicted with alcoholism. Where is the compassion and understanding for those who have been completely gutted by an alcoholic? Christ, you people probably blame women who get raped while defending the rapist.

R64-one word Alanon.

No one does anything to you without your permission,

OP, I wouldn't listen to all the ranters complaining about AAers, or AA if they know nothing about it, except some jerk who went there a few times whom they don't like.

Why not just take it slowly, and see if you like the guy? I don't think huge blanket statements are so accurate, a lot of different people decide to live sober, and they cross the whole spectrum.

Ask yourself, would you have the same apprehensions about guys who like to "party" with street drugs like meth and ghb, but tell you they can "handle it"? Isn't it nicer to know a guy you're dating isn't fooling himself with deadly choices like that? I mean, let's face it, guess who comes in second to boozers and druggies? You do. Eh, for me, I like to be my guy's first consideration over those things. It's a big red flag when you aren't, right?

R65 "No one does anything to you without your permission"

HAH ! That's a hot one. Let every criminal out of prison because all of their victims in reality gave their permission to be assaulted, robbed, even murdered.

Continue to see him, OP. And careful not to bitch when he wants to go to a meeting.

His meetings can only make your relationship stronger.

r25 is why we hate the frauen.

R67 - I wonder if you're the same person who wrote "They are always asking for that one more chance and they almost always fuck that up, and want another, and another"

Alanon is a resource to provide tools to people whose loved ones are addicts. Some people attend Al-Anon meetings just to learn how to deal with an addict. How you choose to deal with an addict is up to you. There are some very specific tools and guidelines provided by Al-Anon so that the addict's drama doesn't become your drama. And if you find that your life is full of drama because of the addict, how to extricate yourself from the situation and take care of yourself first and foremost. In many cases, this is hard (especially for parents) but its necessary and ultimately, better for you and the addict.

An addict is free to screw up over and over and over. They are free to come back and beg your forgiveness over and over. You are not responsible for taking them back or allowing them back into your life where they can do more damage (especially in the case of a romantic relationship).

In other words, if you're screwed over by an addict you're dating, YOU are the one responsible if you let them back into your life and they disappoint or hurt you again. And you probably have your own issues to deal with if that's the case.

All I can say is get ready for the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime.

Just make sure he smokes a lot of weed

I'm dating a really nice dude whose in AA just got his two years. Comes out to the bar with me, isn't bothered by me having a few drinks or my friends drinking around him. Is that enough time?

I quit drugs 36 years ago but I dont think I ever recovered. Im simply another person who doesn't do drugs. I went back to grad school and then moved to anther city. I'm now newly retired, but strangely I nrver experienced subsequent happiness. I've enjpyed great success but happines has proven to be elusive. I now consider myself OK.

Alcoholism is a disease. Any alcoholic whether in AA or not is mentally ill. If you had a choice would you date someone who is mentally ill.

An ex-bf said to me 'If there were 13 cars in a showroom and 12 were normal and 1 was defective, would you buy the defective one'. Then he said if you wont take the defective car, why take a defective boyfriend/girlfriend - if 12 out of 13 are normal. Never a truer word was said.

are LGBT people more likely to be alcoholic than their straight counterparts ?

[quote]Why does every gay I know in AA a chain smoker?

Huh? I've been in AA for years. I have observed the percentage of real smokers is equal to or even less than the percentage of smokers in society as a whole. It's just nota big thing anymore, hyperbole and screeching aside. There used to be a lot more smokers in AA as there were in society in general.

Oh, and btw, nobody ever drank coffee or smoked a few cigarettes and crashed into another car, beat their spouse in a black out, or seroconverted because of them. I think you'll see they aren't comparable, unless you're bizarre.

[quote] Speaking as someone who has been sober for 19 years, I personally think dating within a year of sobriety is very unwise.

[quote]Getting sober is a journey, not a destination. Stopping the drug is easy, but healing all of the pain that was behind the using takes many years of hard work. I've never met anyone, myself included, who became a drug addict or alcoholic because they were coping well and emotionally healthy. It's the opposite that is true.

Sad but true, R3.