My 14 Year Old Nephew Uses "Fag" on Facebook

Actually, it's not him, it's his girlfriend calling out someone else (in my nephew's "defense"). My nephew is a good kid and has a lot of positive gay role models around him in. Should I sent him a note, or leave it alone?

• It's not necessarily the word, it's the intent behind the word. Facebook is so fucking gross. Back off.

  Anonymous

• My nephew did the same, but it was actually my nephew who used the term. It needs to be called out, to let it go is to let it continue. Give a polite response that it is inappropriate and hateful. My own response would be that I thought my nephew preferred people with class, however I don't expect you to say that.

• Post a comment that you are his uncle and you are gay and you are disappointed and leave it at that.

• If we don't stand up, then things like North Carolina are going to keep on happening. Don't expect others to stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself first.

• You bet your ass you better tell your nephew that he needs to watch his mouth and that he's disrespecting his uncle when he or his trashy girlfriend use that word.

• Spank him

• God, 5 posts before the obligatory bitchy response? You people are amateurs. Simply post on the young lady's wall that you find her language offensive and casual homophobia like that is part of the reason her father has to wear a trenchcoat and use a fake name when he goes to the baths.

• Of course you should call him on it. You can do it nicely, in a constructive and loving way. But do it.

• say something

• May I ask why you're even on your 14 year old nephew's Facebook?

• [quote]May I ask why you're even on your 14 year old nephew's Facebook? Have you ever heard of keeping in touch with family and friends? That's kind of what facebook is for.

• [quote]May I ask why you're even on your 14 year old nephew's Facebook? His posts show up on my page. I sent him a note saying I see that the word "fag" has been showing up on my facebook page. I don't think the word will ever go out of style. Unfortunately. But I don't want to see it used in my family.

  OP

• OP, you call that shit out everytime you see it or hear it, whether you know the person or not, and ESPECIALLY if it's a kid who probably doesn't (yet) know any better.

• My 16-year old nephew has apparently been using those words - faggot, gay, fag - and says he doesn't mean anything negative, it's just what kids say. He picked it up from a new friend. His dad, my brother, lives with me so I see him constantly and it's always been that way - I helped very much in his upbringing. He really is a good kid and I know he loves me and my partner but this is not good... I don't know what to say to him.

• If the buttplug fits...

• Just make sure you "private message" him rather than comment on his wall...

• [quote]and says he doesn't mean anything negative, it's just what kids say. He is WRONG, and it's up to you to educate him.

• Some of you bitches need to evolve a spine.

  Barack%20Obama

• [quote]I don't know what to say to him. You tell him that language hurts your feelings, and the feelings of your partner, and is unacceptable to you in your presence.

• [quote]I don't know what to say to him. Tell him he's grounded if he ever uses the words or phrases within earshot of you, or your partner... or you ever see it on his FB page. Period. Why the fuck are you being so wishy-washy and spinless? It's NOT ACCEPTABLE. PERIOD.

• What do you mean you don't know what to say to him, R14? It's simple. You tell him that it may be what kids say, but you and many other gay people find those terms offensive and hurtful and you'd like him to think about not saying them. Jesus, not everything is complicated.

• [quote]Just make sure you "private message" him rather than comment on his wall... BULLSHIT. comment on his wall, DIRECTLY to the person who used the word. What the fuck is wrong with you?

• Would he say the 'n-word' in front of black people? If his answer is no, then ask him why it's okay to say the f-word in front of you.

• [quote]BULLSHIT. comment on his wall, DIRECTLY to the person who used the word. If we're talking about adults, then I'd agree with you. But these are 14 year olds. Children. I say be gentle with them and don't embarass them publicly, but let them know what's what.

• r23, a lot of white kids listen to rap and do say the the variation of the n-word with the a at the end.

• Is Nigger, Spic, Kike acceptable? No. The same goes for fag, faggot and any other associated term either meant to harm or said in fun. Sometimes, nigger is said in fun too. It's not acceptable. And neither is fag or faggot. Period. End of discussion with your nephew, his girlfriend or other friends. OP--you need to teach him no matter how much he tries to justify it by saying things like "all the kids do it." You should know better so as to guide him and others along.

• R24, do you also believe that in games everybody should win? You don't have to embarrass a child, but you can still call them out publicly. If she feels shame, then next time she will refrain from repeating the action. If more parents took their children to task in the middle of the aisle or the restaurant, then we wouldn't have the fucked up kids we have today.

  Nellie%20Olsen

• Leave it alone. It's just so sad.

• Kids use the word tag and also the word retarded all the time. Both are unacceprable to me but that is how your basic thoughtless kid talks now. Along with calling everyone bitches or the so unfunny bee -yotches.

• [quote]Just make sure you "private message" him rather than comment on his wall... Yes, I sent him a private message. I don't think I'd want to post anything like that on his wall. The word "fag" was posted under a photo -- written by his girlfriend to a boy who called her boyfriend (my "nephew") a "fag."

• [quote]If more parents took their children to task in the middle of the aisle or the restaurant, then we wouldn't have the fucked up kids we have today. I agree with you. I think most kids today are stupid, spoiled little assholes. But the OP is not their mother. He's their uncle on facebook. He has the right to tell his nephew in private what he thinks, but embarrass him on a public internet forum? No.

  R24

• Nephew trolls, nephew trolls, Hiding cookies in fat rolls! From the toy shop out he strolls, Nephew trolls, nephew trolls!

• [quote]but embarrass him on a public internet forum? No. And how did OP feel when he read it? Embarrassed? Shamed? Uncomfortable? I concede the point about the mother/uncle distinction yet still think this stuff won't stop if we insist on whispering about it behind closed doors so as not to hurt feelings. Sometimes feelings need a cold splash of water on them. It's effective and it doesn't have to be the same as tearing one down.

• You should fuck his GF in a few years, get her pregnant, and then tell her she has a little fag baby. Then bitch slap her.

• [quote]And how did OP feel when he read it? Embarrassed? Shamed? Uncomfortable? Again, the OP is an adult. The nephew is a child. Uncle OP will make farther strides with his nephew by going about this with a gentle hand. Scream at strangers, by all means. But I think different rules apply to family and children.

  R24

• [quote]He has the right to tell his nephew in private what he thinks, but embarrass him on a public internet forum? No. You are full of shit. YES. And not just the nephew, but ANYONE you see posting on FB.

• OP, tell your nephew not to use that word. Calling someone "fag" is like hating on you. As everyone has said, educate him!

• r33, he's 14. An adult's feelings being hurt are not the same as hurting a 14 year olds. Get some help.

• OP should embarrass his nephew by calling him out for something he didn't say? That doesn't make much damn sense.

• Oh puhleeze R24 are you ever even AROUND teenagers? You have to hit them in the forehead with a brick to even get their attention. Be gentle with them my sainted ass.

• [quote]Again, the OP is an adult. The nephew is a child. Uncle OP will make farther strides with his nephew by going about this with a gentle hand. Scream at strangers, by all means. But I think different rules apply to family and children. Who said anything about screaming? A few of you are freaked out that the offender is a child. The offender most likely has facebook friends who are children too AND gay. You don't give a shit about them, for them they would simply see the word as being allowed to stay. you can publicly reprimand a bigot without screaming and histrionics. It will reaffirm the gay youth, it will discipline the offender and it will SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

  I%20am%20a%20parent%2C%20I%27m%20betting%20you%20are%20not

• R41, the "offender" is the girlfriend of OP's nephew. OP never claimed his nephew used the word; it was his nephew's girlfriend. OP can correct her, but he might want to do so gently because she has her own parents.

• Is Katy Perry's song 'You're So Gay' offensive to OP? Serious question.

  Anonymous

• Gently is fine. I never said forcefully or hatefully. Gently will get more ground, it just doesn't need to be private. Whether the correction is directed to her, or to the nephew (for allowing it to remain on his wall), this hateful speech needs to be publicly addressed or it won't stop. That is my point.

• Even if it is nothing more than publicly saying "this type of language is not acceptable" covers more ground than a whispered tone that nobody else hears. The child is old enough at 13 or 14 to face discipline. I never suggested a flogging.

• I think OP should say something in line with R45's suggestion. It won't change anything, but it will make OP feel better. I'm saying that fully realizing the nephew's girlfriend called the guy a fag in retaliation for his calling OP's nephew a fag. Maybe OP would like to help her brush up on her name-calling vocabulary. She could be more creative.

• Michael Moore released a statement on Obama's interview today, as did PFLAG national. They both reiterate the same thing, which I truly believe applies to this facebook name calling. In Obama's interview, he pointed out that it was his neighbors, his staff, the people in his world that he saw as loving committed couples raising children that changed his views about equality. I encourage everybody to look at what Michael Moore and PFLAG had to say about it. They reiterate the importance of us being OUT and visible. Not hidden in private. We need to say, "hey, that is unacceptable to me, I am a human just as you". THAT is how we change the world.

• Michael Moore's comment, which applies here: I am deeply moved by the announcement made a short while ago that President Obama has gone back to his original position in 1996 and come out publicly in support of same-sex marriage. It may seem like a risky move, but the majority of Americans already support the equal rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Public opinion has completely flipped since 2004. It's been a faster change than anyone could have predicted. But the older generation with their anti-gay views are replaced with a younger generation who are not as rigid, hate-filled, frightened, and bigoted as many of their elders. Hate to have to put it that way, but that's the truth. It's why we were able to have an African American president, and it's why I believe, in spite of all other proof to the contrary, things WILL get better in this country. One other point: One reason the majority's opinion on this issue has changed is due, in large part, to the many of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters who have taken the risk and come out of the closet. By doing so to their friends, family, neighbors, classmates and co-workers, they have forced people to deal with them as human beings. It is much harder to hate when that gay person is your son, that lesbian is your aunt, that homosexual is the person who covers for you on the job when you've got a sick kid, and that gay couple next door have the best-kept yard on the block (I'm not saying they're better at gardening, i'm just saying, they're neighbors, like anyone else). So, the more people said they were gay, the faster that fear and hate peeled away. To all of our gay and lesbian citizens who have had to suffer for far to long in this "land of the free," thank you (and President Obama) for making us a true home of the brave.

• Nephew Troll strikes again

• R16, how's life in the closet?

• The offender is not a "child" R41, he's a teenager, 2 years away from being an adult. Children are more like 12 and younger.

• The "offender" is not male, R51. It's the nephew's girlfriend, not the nephew.

• call him out and call the girl out, publicly ! They are old enough to date, they are old enough to have facebook accounts, they are old enough to be held responsible for hateful speech. Why all the dysfunction on this subject? Tell them it's not acceptable and why! Someone has to educate the little darlings, obviously. If the parents don't back you up, they are bigots as well. If those kids were standing with a group of black kids and called each other niggas when they did something goofy...well, I bet they would not use that term lightly again...why should we be wimps about it?

  Don't be afraid to do the right thing

• Spank them both.

  Dr. Spock

• Nephew Troll, this is a good start to the story but we need Chapters 2 and 3 now. We know you're wanking off to them as you write it up.

• I hate the word "f@g" (have a hard time spelling it), teach your nephew and his friends to not use it under any terms.

• I agree with r6. Boy needs a good spanking!

• OP here. My nephew (his name is Alec) is Facebook friends with a guy who apparently hates or is jealous of Alec's girlfriend. The boy called Alec a "fag" on Facebook when he posted a photo of himself. Alec is a jock in high school, football star, quiet and polite, and he does print modeling for a clothing chain. He was in Catholic School up until this year and now he's like the most popular kid in his class. His relationship is drawing a lot of attention. His girlfriend told the other guy off on Alec's page for insulting her again, and ended it with "ya fag." They call each other "Daryl" too, which is another insult I don't understand. Alec asked me who posted it, I told him, and I also said I love him but the word makes me "grimace." He wrote back and said "thanks for telling me." Okay, back to the real world.

  OP

• Now, don't you feel better, covered in meaningless 14-year old drama? Now, what I really want to know, is 'You're So Gay' by Katy Perry offensive?

  Anonymous

• right on his wall that his girlfriend is a cunt.

• [quote]He wrote back and said "thanks for telling me." It's a start. Let us know if the word is removed or if the girl makes some apology on the wall, otherwise, gay kids won't see any thing other than something horrible allowed to stand without address.

• Welcome back Nephew Troll.

• Here's what I would have done: I would have replied to the girlfriend's post with "Using the word 'Fag' is such a CUNTY thing to do."

• I would use the 14 old nephew for yard work and house cleaning.

  Zak%2C%20not%20the%20uncle%20troll

• Well, " Uncle Martin and Uncle Larry gimaced at your coarse choice of vocabulary..." is a little less harsh than I'd hoped for. However congrats and a hug for saying something. He does sound like a nice kid and it's nice to think your response may help shape him into a nice man too.

• [quote] My 14 Year Old Nephew Uses "Fag" on Facebook He's a little young for me, OP, but if you think it will help his ongoing education he can use me, too, if he wants.

• lets FACE it Facebook will no doubt continue to make money for a few more years but in our world of disposable and replaceable technology, it is already over...

• Teenagers are still putting their identity together, and still follow herd mentality. They don't think things through and are subject to persuasion (for better or worse). They need (as I did as a teen) guidance on what is acceptable and what isn't. If noone calls them to task, why would it even occur to them to be offensive if it doesn't directly affect them? That said, I like to speak in concepts rather than finger-pointing, to avoid defensive reactions. It comes off without hysterics, and is more of a "let yourself really think about this for a minute, because your words cause harm". Will you reach everyone? No. But you never know who you will reach, or who you've planted a seed in. I found out an open-minded relative was anti gay marriage several years ago and I was so disheartened. She felt gays should have rights but just don't call it marriage. Then she worked with an out gay man who has a partner and two adopted children. Because of her friendship with this man, a couple years later she changed her tune and agreed with gay marriage. Goes to show that we need to speak up and be present more - we DO make changes in our world, with the small things we say and do. It's worth the effort, even if it's uncomfortable.

• "Alec is a jock in high school, football star, quiet and polite, and he does print modeling for a clothing chain." Finally! NOW we're talking! Waiting for the next post about how Alec has started to open up to Uncle OP about how painful it is when the other jocks in the locker room make fun of how big his dick is, etc.

• This entire thread has been done at least ten times before over the last five years. Making this a pay site was a Fantastic idea!

• Not good, that word should never be used anywhere. Hate words in general should never be used.

• This is nonsense. Why would relatives send notes on Facebook? They'd pick up a phone. Clearly the nephew troll, famous for such posts as "my nephew might be gay, should I tell his mom?" and "my nephew returned my jockstrap to me, and it was all crusty, should I tell his mom?" Perplexed as to why this guy gets off on posting about an imaginary nephew.

• [quote]Perplexed as to why this guy gets off on posting about an imaginary nephew. It's all true.

  OP

• Please, I'm begging; is 'You're So Gay' by Katy Perry an actionable offense? Or is it just fun?

  Anonymous

• Like R58, OP / R73?

• [quote]Why would relatives send notes on Facebook? They'd pick up a phone. My primary contact with my relatives is via Facebook, I have no desire to chat on the phone. It's much easier to just send a note off. Since I don't text, I use Facebook. Who really wants to talk to their relatives?

• [quote]Please, I'm begging; is 'You're So Gay' by Katy Perry an actionable offense? Or is it just fun? It didn't bother me.

• R76, I am absolutely willing to believe that all of the subtlety and nuance that you might wish to convey can be communicated in 140 characters or less. But even the greater latitude available on Facebook is far less than ideal for real conversations. And who wants to talk to their [sic] relatives? I do, at least some of them. OP claimed to want to communicate with one of his, specifically his make-believe nephew.

• Yeah if the guy confronts his nephew then the kid will kick the fag's ass.

• I'm just wondering why gay people are so offended by the word fag? I use it sometimes but it is purely used as an insult towards a person who is annoying or lame and just a douche...there may be some gay people who fit this description and then they would be fags but it is not limited to them. It's just a general slang word now...if gay people continue to try and stop people from using it then yes I will call them fags but not because they are gay but because they feel that they can censor my speech and are acting like assholes...good day

  Ron%20Burgundy

• [R80] Sure Ron, some people use the N word for the same reason. And if you don't like it I will call YOU the N word. I would just calmly without discussion suggest that he remove that from his page. He will get it.

• Update: How weird to find this thread resurrected. Before I posted this, I wasn't aware that there was a "nephew troll" lurking on DL. My brother and his wife came down with the nephews a few months ago and all is well. We didn't talk about this specific instance, but I've since gone off Facebook and haven't had to see all the zillion posts among teenagers I don't know. He's a good kid (with openly gay adults on both sides of the family)and the last thing he would want to do is insult me. Lots of good advice on this string.

• She's fat, isn't she?

• My suggestion: FIRST try to deal with your nephew and/or his girlfriend gently through private messaging on Facebook or other private means, but if either of them continues to use the word "fag," you should then consider making a public statement on their Facebook walls that the use of that word is not acceptable.

• My early-20s niece and her friend started using "gay" as an insult in a dialogue on my niece's Facebook wall, so I put a YouTube link to Wanda Syke's "Knock it Off" ad right in the middle. The friend responded with whatever string of empty words they use to communicate nowadays, something like "random ok whatever nike swoosh" or what have you. My niece definitely got the message.

• [quote]something like "random ok whatever nike swoosh" or what have you. Oh that's funny.

• I want to echo R86, RE: R85s comment- best summation of teenspeak online I have ever seen. Wish I could W & W just that!

• tell her she's a C-U-N-T